A Crossroads

I find it joyfully liberating when God reveals Himself in unexpected ways.  It's as though He whispers, "Stop here a moment, I want to show you something."  The following scripture was part of my Lent Devotional this morning.

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
My eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my misery, and my bones waste away...
But I trust in You, O Lord;
I say, 'You are my God.'
My times are in Your hand;
deliver me from the hand of my enemies and persecutors.
Let Your face shine upon Your servant;
Save me in Your steadfast love." 
Psalms 31:9,10, 14-16

It is not difficult for me to remember horrid days such as what the Psalmist David describes.  Days when I truly felt as though my life was spent in sorrow, when my eyes were drenched in tears, strength of body, soul and spirit draining from me. 

I trusted in Him, but feebly.  I knew my times were in His hands, but those hands felt cruel too often.  I yearned for His merciful deliverance from that which tormented the very depth of my being.

Today, the beauty of His face shines on me.  His compassionate deliverance and steadfast love has saved me.  And one by one He has been slaying my enemies.  And my response?

"What can I say?
What can I do?
But to offer my life oh Lord, completely to You."
--Hillsong United


"This is my song of praise to You
For who You are and all You do."
--Brian Doerksen


I am finding myself asking..."Am I at a crossroads?"  So much has changed in my life since those years of darkness.  And in the past months, a spiritual spring of newness and depth and peace is sprouting within. 

Brian Doerksen challenges me to dream again...to be led by my Shepherd Guide
.
Here we stand
At a crossroads again
Like you said
In time the seasons change

Looking back
We recall the blessing and the pain
But now we turn our hearts toward
What is still to come  
We want to dream again


Lead us Lord
Into a life of fruitfulness
Prepare our hearts to risk again
As we trust
Taking simple steps of obedience we know
That You will lead us Lord.


I don't know what it means for me to dream again or for Him to lead me into new seasons.  I do know that there was a powerful moment in prayer yesterday when my Spiritual Director announced to the Father that "anxiety and depression no longer define Juanita".  Those were spirit stopping words underlined on my heart.  Emotional struggles are still a part of my earthly journey, but I am now defined by Christ, and the life He lives within me.

I believe this is a crossroads.  Clearly a crossroads in my walk with Christ, but beyond that, I don't know.  But what I do know is that I am at rest in the all sufficient, perfect ways of Christ and it's a beautiful place to be.

Eucharisteo

I am devouring Ann Voskkamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts"--A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.

Extraordinary, life-changing, deeply moving, it has been for me.  Her theme, Eucharisteo has captured my attention.  Ann explains:  "Eucharisteo, it's the central theme of Christianity...Thanksgiving...We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks." 

My own desire to practically live this out is found in an open journal on my desk.  It's aptly named my "Eucharisteo Journal" and it's where I am writing in ink my own Eucharisteo...thanksgiving.

One of them today is recorded as "Sparkle Days".

Reverend Isabella Ross, a depression survivor in the book called, "Beyond Crazy--Journeys Through Mental" Illness by Julia Nunes and Scott Simmie, shares what I so closely resonate with.  Listen to her words:

"I will probably always know depression, but it surprises me, each time I am in recovery, how far off the depression can seem and how hard it is to recall the symptoms.  That, I imagine, is the blessing of health.  When you are sick, you can't imagine what it is like to be well; when you are well, you can't imagine that you were really sick.  And I appreciate so much when I am well.  To me, it means being able to live in the present, not being haunted by fear all the time, not having your mind overrun with negative thoughts.  It's feeling connected to other people.  Being well is not this great euphoria or happiness, it's sort of waking up in the morning and knowing what to expect.  When I'm well I think, 'If only I could stay like this for the rest of my life.'  But in reality, that has not been my experience.  Recovery is, the way I describe it, a few months of living in the light.  But you always hope.  You always have this hope that it might be for the rest of your life."

I find it so refreshing to read the words of another human being and feel like it's surfacing from my own skin.  I'm not sure that I would refer to my days of good emotional health as "recovery".  I more think of them as a reprieve.  A welcome reprieve from the battle within.  And at present, I'm living it.  A friend of mine appropriately named these days as "sparkle days".  It's as though my eyes are wide open...my soul and spirit awake to all that's around me....contentment encircling all of me.

And it makes me deeply grateful.  Brimming with thanksgiving.  Eucharisteo for these days of full life.

(The days when darker clouds roll in are also days of fullest life and having my mouth speak words of thanks, but this harder way of living out Eucharisteo is for another post.)

For now, my being is entrenched in this full life.



http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dca-books-english-tree&field-keywords=One+Thousand+Gifts+by+Ann+Voskamp


This truly is a must read!!!  It goes well beyond simple gratitude, but will take you to a depth of eucharisteo that will transform your life if you truly choose to live it out.

Giving and Opening

"All Of Lent is a lesson in giving up pieces of ourselves...The closer we wish to come to God, the more of our carefully constructed selves we must relinquish.  We have to give up our illusions, our defenses, any selfish personal goals, our carefully designed sense of who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do.  This sounds terrible, and it can be painful.  However, as we give up these areas, we open ourselves, and God enters more fully."
--Sarah Parsons
"A Clearing Season:  Reflections for Lent"

I read these words last evening, pondering them and asking Him what I might need to give up so that I may open more to His fullness.

This morning I sat with my Spiritual Director listening as she gently guided me to uncharted territory.  I listened quietly, but with a heart beating faster with the words she spoke.

My spirit is calm this evening as I reflect on the God-stirrings within.  There is little clarity in the path ahead and no call to make haste.  God is never in a rush.  Have you noticed that also? 

It's the opening I have made for Him--that He may have His way with me.  This was His desire, I am sure.

"Enter in my God, enter in."

New Beginnings...A Lenten Journey

A quiet, purposeful beckoning.
An inviting Him into the denial of self. 
An emptying of a part of me to make room for His fullness. 

Lent.

I have never practiced Lent in the past.  The churches I have been a part of, have not observed Lent and I confess I personally, have been mostly ignorant of its meaning and potential value for one's life.   Even now I admit that I am ill equipped to expound on this spiritual practice, but oh, such a strong desire to open myself to Christ!  Anticipation stirs within.

But it's hard...this denial of self.  I have not escaped being caught up in our Western culture's addiction to pleasure...in so many of its  forms.  Now that I have set a pleasure aside, the craving for what is absent gnaws at me.  On the one hand, I bow my head in shame at that which I am in want of.  But herein lies rich opportunity... to invite Christ into the wanting and have Him be my pleasure.  Endless moments of this "emptying" I have done stretch before me.  To think that He will fill me if I allow Him, is a treasure worth pursuing.

So much of Jesus' life reveals His ongoing intimacy with His Father.  The Father was His Source. 

What would my life look like if Jesus was my Source...always? 

Would I long so much for the things of this world if the Person who created this planet was my all consuming longing?

Giving up a pleasure is guiding me to remember Christ's sacrificial emptying...
His complete surrender...
the relinquishing of His entitlements. 
All this goes so contrary to my natural bent.
Holding on, demanding my rights, voicing that which I am entitled to...this is second nature. 
Christ's way becomes my way like a tooth being extracted. 
It pulls.  It's painful.  It's...un-pleasureable.

Today, in my wanting, I look to Jesus and murmur within..."It's for You...this minuscule emptying is so that I might remember your complete abandonment for my sake."

I won't pretend to know all that Christ desires to reveal to me these 40 days, only that He has called me to come closer to Him.

I wait at His side.

"Renew my need for you, O God, and grant me courage to ask.  Amen."
--Pamela Hawkins
"The Awkward Season:  Prayers for Lent"   

Lies and Truth

Sometimes it just takes a wise, caring person to peer into our souls and lovingly ask, "Is there some pain in there that requires healing.?"

That's what happened yesterday as I sat and talked with my Spiritual Director.  This morning, I sat and talked with God about the wound.  And I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about these conversations as I feel a sense of exposure in doing so.  But somehow I believe that is why I should express my thoughts.  To bring into the light what I keep hidden in the shadows.

I struggle with mental illness, specifically depression and anxiety.  That in and of itself is no secret.  The closet doors were opened many years ago and most who know me, are aware of this reality.  I am also on medication...one taken daily, as simply and easily as the vitamins I swallow.  I have few qualms about the necessity of this drug.  But the other med is taken only as needed and this is the one that has me in knots.  I take it only when the anxiety creeps in and starts messing up my mind and body.  And that's hard.  I take it based on my judgment and thus second guess myself constantly.

"I should be able to rise above this" 

"I should be able to talk myself through this"

"I should be able to experience God's peace"

"If I was a stronger person..."

This morning, I asked God to show me where my shame has come from, and as He did, I knew the only healing thing to do was to exchange the lies I have harbored within, for truth.

1. Lie:   Medication is for weak people.  Truth:  Medication is a gift from God and it enables me to cope with life in healthier ways.

2.  Lie:  One should be able to overcome anxiety and depression and thereby become acceptable.  Truth:  I am acceptable to God, otherwise He would never have made me His child(1 John 3:1)  Not everyone can overcome their mental illness, and it does not make me unacceptable if I don't.

3.  Lie:  If some individuals in the medical profession treat me like a loser, then I must be.  Truth:  God is for me! (Romans 8:31)  I cannot allow other people to dictate my worth!  His eyes are on me and He hears my cry(Psalm 34:15)  He is my refuge and I can always pour out my heart to Him(Psalm 62:8) 

4.  Lie:  I haven't prayed enough or tried hard enough or done all the right things, otherwise I would be free of this.  Truth:  Nothing is too difficult for God(Jeremiah 32:17) regardless of how often I have or haven't prayed.  Paul prayed for his thorn's removal and it wasn't.  God can heal if He chooses and ultimately it is dependent on Him and not me.

5.  Lie:  If I'm in the midst of a difficult season  it must be my fault and therefore could have been controlled by me.  Truth:  The one sure thing within my control is Who I will trust when I am anxious and depressed. (Psalm 31:14)  It doesn't have to be my fault every time my emotions go crazy. 

It is beautiful how naming lies and speaking truth can be so freeing and healing.  For me to name the lies and understand where they came from was one step.  But to attach truth...God's truth to the lie was powerful.  It unlocked the door that housed so much that was shameful and pain-filled and opened the well of abundance-- life-giving and life-sustaining.

It bears a resemblance to turning to the next chapter of a tumultuous story. The past will always be there and will no doubt threaten to haunt me at times, but there are fresh pages before me.  Pages which spell hope and freedom and healing and life.

Colossians 2:10 tells me, "In Him you have been made complete."  Can there be a more beautiful soul-filling truth for one who so often fights an inner battle within the confines of mental illness?!!!!

I think not. 

Surrender

Surrender.  How quickly I move from one area of holding on to yet another.

It loomed large last week, this decision making surrounding insulin therapy.  All encompassing, overwhelming it was to think of giving up eighteen years of what I had come to know and feel secure in...needles and pens.  Could I surrender to change and an advanced way to manage my health care?

Seven days later I am on new terrain.  Seven days of processing and questions answered and attentive professionals and wealthy information and I am at peace with adopting pump therapy.  Still seven weeks from having to sign on the dotted line, but my pen is in hand.

But now there's more.  A new area rather.  A new area to process, more to ask of me, more to ask of God, more to empty myself of, more to surrender.

Is it always to be this way?

A reconciliation with one mountain only to find myself at the base of another?

And this one towers...immense, and I wonder, can I ever truly reach this mountain's summit?  It's overshadowed my days far too long e'en though I've prayed fervently and sought in earnest to lay it all at His feet.

But I'm being summoned again by the One who is jealous for me...all of me and I desire to abandon myself to His ways...an emptying of me so there can be a filling of Him.  The way is opaque before me, but He will lead the dance and I will fall into step as we go.

Pump me up...or Not

"You are what we refer to as a 'brittle diabetic'", she said.  I think the Insulin Pump would work well for you."

I continue to mull those words over in my mind, seeking to digest the implications of this advice from my Endocrinologist.  It's true that I have been unable to maintain stable blood sugars for some time now, regardless of adhering to a strict diet.  The orderly ways in which I govern my lifestyle the majority of the time is failing to reward me on a consistent basis.  And so I find myself at this crossroads with an April 19(my next appointment) date set as decision day.

I could still continue with multiple daily injections or I can choose this alternative therapy which will ultimately provide me with better control of my blood sugars.  I suppose when one reads this from an objective side, the decision seems obvious.  Even writing this, filled with my subjective thoughts, I can clearly see the fork in the road that I should take.  And in all probability, I will decide to venture into new terrain in order to give my body the optimum care possible.

But it doesn't mean that there are not a myriad of thoughts and feelings thrown into this decision which I must think through, and come to terms with.  There will be intensive changes to my life in the initial period as I adapt to something fresh and new.  Change and I are not kindred spirits by any stretch, but I am much better equipped to enter into change than in past years.

In the meantime, my doctor has outlined a concentrated regime for me to follow.  She bowed to my request to try another method of seeking to achieve control of my blood sugars.  In hindsight, I am somewhat questioning my ask of her, as I'm now experiencing an overdose of focus on this area of my health.

Gratefully, I am not alone in this.  I'm blessed with people who will listen to this whirlwind in my mind, and as time goes on, I will have the gift of professionals who are able and willing to assist me on this journey.

It doesn't surprise me that surrender is an area of my heart that God has been addressing with me these past weeks.  Lent too, is nearing, which is drawing me into a frame of heart that will benefit me over these next couple of months.  God is carefully putting details in place to enable me to respond well.

I love that I can rest in God's all sufficiency.  I'm thankful that He accepts my uncensored thoughts and the emotional shading within my being, which at times colors reason.  I know that though this feels bigger than me, that it is microscopic to Him. I know that all He asks of me is trust--

One day at a time.

Birthday Blessings...A Hundredfold

I am now officially closer to 50 than to 40.  Sigh.  Forty-five felt rather neutral I suppose, but 46 reminds me that time is marching on to that half a century mark.  And that seems so impossible.  Gertrude Stein says, "We are always the same age inside."  I couldn't agree more!  There are a multitude of ways in which I still feel like a young girl.  I think that's a good thing.

Oh blessed day yesterday....snail mail, e-mail and phone well-wishers were part of my bounty throughout the day.   Once I had finished the lunch dishes, that was the last of any domesticated work.  I went out shopping for a brief time and then went to the gym with Ashley and friend for a workout. 

Meanwhile, Cam was home making supper!!!  He was quite the trooper yesterday, spending 3 hours in the kitchen preparing my birthday meal:  Savory Rice, Herbed Chicken, Squash, and Home made French Bread.  The aroma was incredible!!

  Does that not look amazing?!!!!!!!!  It was as scrumptious as it looks.

I opted for no birthday cake.  I can only enjoy a small piece anyway, and then I would just be sitting there watching the rest of my family gorge on MY birthday cake.  Instead I feasted on my own version of a decadent dessert...1/3 cup ice cream, sugar free chocolate sauce, a tbsp. of  Soybutter and some soya nuts.  With a birthday candle of course!

My children showered me with "Juanita gifts" which means card making paper and supplies, a gift card and candle.  The birthday card was my fav.  Oh, honorable mention should also be given to my kids who got along during the entire celebration event!!!  Someday they will understand what a gift this is!!!

My hubby knows my love language as well, and gave me a Gift Certificate for a 60 minute Aromatherapy Massage at my favorite spa just down the street.  "Thanks my sweetheart...can hardly wait!"

I ended the day with a long bubble bath, reading in bed and knowing the peaceful joy of being richly blessed.

My Baby Girl...Growing Up

I can still hear my OB's announcement singing in my ears, "It's a girl!", he called out.  I remember bursting into tears, deeply grateful for the safe arrival of all that spelled pink and lace and ponytails. 

In a few months she will be sweet sixteen.  There is a shock and normalcy to this next stage.  It did not all happen overnight.  Each stage came upon us and somehow just meshed into the next stage.  I never wanted to hurry any stage, no matter how difficult.  It was just "where we were at".  But I did at times, wish that the calender would come to a standstill and we would stay a little longer in a particular season. 

Oh sure, those early years were physically draining and emotionally trying.
With a newborn there was the constant care  of providing even just the basics.  Sometimes I was overcome with fear, wondering why her fever continued to prevail.   And the toddler years?  Teaching seemed to be a constant as she discovered life in a myriad of ways.  I was being taught myself.  I had an auburn haired part of my DNA who was part of me but not me.  I was learning who she was.  I distinctly remember Kindergarten.  In many ways it was a very somber time within me as I faced this stark reality.  The world will now have my daughter for six hours, five days a week.  Up until then, I decided what would make up her world.  I chose what would fill her little mind.  I purposefully nurtured her according to who she was.

I suppose in many ways, I'm feeling this sobering, inescapable fact right now.  But it travels even further.  It's not just that she spends time in the world's environment.  It's this very real reality that the world is calling my daughter's name.  Often and consistently, something other than home is vying for her attention.  My mother heart yearns to be that ever present filter and ongoing protector of her mind and heart.  At times my lips voice "yes" when my heart is screaming "no".  Regularly I am caught up in the drama of a moment, desperately searching for the right response.  Yes, she is still in need of my guidance and authority and nurturing.  I'm not giving up my mother-role by no means!  But I cannot always be the voice over her shoulder.  It is well within her age requirement to be learning a growing sense of independence.  It is important that she venture out and make her own decisions and make choices.

But I can't say I like it.  Truthfully, it scares me.  A lot.  I see the excitement in her eyes after a sleepover with friends.  I hear the frustration in her voice when we limit her adventures to non-alcoholic parties.  I hear the teenage angst of how much life sucks at times.   The song that the world sings to her is strong and clear and enticing.

This morning I sang another song in my place of worship.  Several songs actually...

"Fear not, for I am with you", says the Lord. 

"Glory, glory, Hallelujah He reigns."

"Why should I be afraid when You put the stars in place?
 Why should I lose heart when I know how great You are?
 You shine brighter than the brightest star--filling us with courage and hope to follow You."

My pastor spoke on Daniel and the strength of this truth tugged at my heart, "Yahweh is above all gods."

For that hour, I listened to His voice and feasted on His promises and drank in His power.  I need the wattage of these truthful reminders.  I need them often. I need them daily.

My baby girl is growing up.  I know this hasn't caught her Creator by surprise.  He's fully "in the know", and fully God. 

"O secret Christ,
Lord of the rose of dawn,
hide me within Thy silent peace,
that throughout the turmoil of day,
I may abide within the quiet of the daybreak."
--Anonymous  



 






 

Slowly

Slowly, ever so slowly, I'm crawling towards grace.  The crawling seems to be what best describes my movement.  It's slow, laborious at times, and with the knowledge that I am still so much in the baby stage of grasping this mind-boggling gift called grace. 

This afternoon there seemed a gentleness of the presence of God and Jesus.  I generally find them both to be taskmasters.  Of course this is wholly because I live so much under my own laws and my need to keep my pencil ready to scratch off another check mark.

But I am so intent on not living here anymore.  I am purposefully seeking grace.

Today I met with my Spiritual Director again.  She is truly a gift from God in my life.  Shauna Niequist, in her book, "Cold Tangerines", shares these words..words I resonate with:

"My friend goes to a spiritual director, and I was asking her about it, and she said, basically, Sister Carmen asks her to talk about her life, and she points out the presence and action and grace of God when my friend didn't even notice it was there.  So it was there all along, and the trick is learning to see it.  
Each one of our lives is shot through, threaded in and out with God's provision, his grace, his protection, but on the average day, we notice it about as much as we really notice gravity or the hole in the ozone.  So what I'm trying to do is learn to see the way Sister Carmen sees.  Because once you start seeing the faithfulness and the hope, you see it everywhere...And little by little, here and there, you realize that...all of life is littered with bits and stories of God's goodness."

This is what I experience when I sit with my Spiritual Director.  I feel somewhat like a schoolgirl(except that I don't recall having had a desire to learn at that point in my life.  But now, when it comes to my spiritual journey, I am aching to learn.  And being in the presence of one who is so very gifted in imparting Christ to me, is incredibly gratifying.

So I keep crawling.  And I'm okay with that.  I think this process needs to be slow and methodical; an integral part of the preparation for walking in grace. 

"Spirit of the Living God,
I live this day in the presence of your truth,
by the power of your grace,
with thanksgiving for the longing
I have for you and
the longing you have for me.
Drench me, shape me, move me.
Amen."
--Pamela Hawkins
"The Awkward Season:  Prayers for Lent"
 

 

 


 

I Am Not

"Life is the tale of two stories--one finite and frail, the other eternal and enduring.  The tiny one--the story of us--is as brief as the blink of an eye.  Yet somehow our infatuation with our own little story--and our determination to make it as big as we possibly can--blinds us to the massive God Story that surrounds us on every side."

And so speaks the first paragraph of Louie Giglio's book, "i am not but i know I AM--Welcome to the Story of God.". 

http://www.amazon.ca/Am-Not-But-Know-Welcome/dp/1590522753/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296262718&sr=1-1


 Perhaps a somewhat awkward sounding title, but it's pages are anything but awkward.  The words being driven into my soul are re-framing how I think about my life's story.

It could just be my sense, but I am wondering if we Christ followers in general have become somewhat wrapped up in our own personal stories.  We often talk about "my story" and our quest to see God intersect throughout the pages of "our lives".  In seasons of intense struggle, loss or suffering, we sooooo crave to see His handwriting on the parchment of our everyday living.  At least these are laments I hear, and ones which I have expressed myself.

And don't we so deeply desire our stories to be full and big and yes, even glamorous?  I do.  It's been a road that I've been on since I was a little girl and began hearing the age old question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  And now that I am grown up (or so they tell me), I'm still reading through the pages of my life and wondering if it's full or big or glamorous.  Okay, so it's definitely not  glamorous.

Don't get me wrong.  Desiring to see God's hand print is what often encourages and spurs us on.  I'm just thinking that we need to reverse our thinking.  Perhaps we need to let God take His rightful place, and we ours.  It's God's story that should get center stage.  And yes we are a part of His story, but oh such a tiny, minuscule part.

I'm quite sure that if I had even a glimpse of the far reaching height and depth of the tapestry He's weaving, I would be more content with the single thread that I am.  If I wholly believed that His plans are sovereign and good, I'm sure I would more graciously accept the way in which He's weaving the events of my life.

Like I said, there's a re-framing of my mind going on.  And if it means opening the eyes of my heart to the bigness of my God
    and realizing the 
           smallness that is me,
than I say, "Come Holy Spirit and teach me."