A "Shield" of Suffering

Many of us have some aspect of our lives which keeps us on our knees.  If at present, this is not part of your story, one day it will.  It comes with living in a fallen world.  I don't like it.  You don't have to like it.  But it doesn't change the reality.

I am rereading Timothy Keller's book on "Prayer--Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God."  There's a two-fold reason for re-entering its pages--

It's simply that rich

I long to grow in prayer

The story is told of Anicia Faltonia Proba who lived during the time of Augustine.  Anicia had the honor of knowing him personally.  He wrote two letters to her and one was written entirely on prayer.  Timothy shares this--

"Anicia Proba was a widow by her early thirties and was present when Rome was sacked in 410.  She had to flee for her life to Africa with her granddaughter Demetrias, where they met Augustine.  Her former life had been upended, and from what we know about her from the historical record, she never again enjoyed the secure life she had previously known.  Augustine, however, argues not only that we can grow in prayer in spite of these difficulties but because of them.  He concludes the letter by asking his friend, 'Now what makes this work (of prayer) specially suitable to widows but their bereaved and desolate condition?'  Should a widow not, he asked, 'commit her widowhood, so to speak, to her God as her shield in continual and most fervent prayer?'  What a remarkable statement.  Her sufferings were her 'shield'--they defended her from the illusions of self-sufficiency and blindness that harden the heart, and they opened the way for the rich, passionate prayer life that could bring peace in any circumstance.  He calls her to embrace her situation and learn to pray."

My sufferings a shield?

Your sufferings a shield?

Note that nothing is being said to infer that God causes our pain or wants us to bear pain.  Even Christ on the cross begged the Father for another way!!  However, for Anicia, and countless others, hardship came into her life and in various ways continued to plague her.  Augustine encouraged her to view this life of difficulty and sorrow as a "shield".

I think of my own life and its dips and turns and hills and valleys of my mental and emotional health.  I've ranged anywhere from cursing the darkness to believing the dark yields gifts of grace.
I have ever been aware that that the darkest night will bring me to my knees in ways that the light of day never can.

So while reflecting on my own edges of suffering as a shield of defense is not a new concept, it is a fresh and inspiring "hand on my shoulder".  And I always welcome this.

Let me be honest--I don't like pain and suffering.  I love the sunshine and rose of life.  I enjoy and desire ease and happiness as much as anyone else.

But.

If hardship brings me to the end of myself...

If it makes me abandon any illusions of self-sufficiency...

If it reminds me that I am merely a vapor of humanity in a redemption story beyond my comprehension...

Then I will humbly open shaky hands and claim suffering as a "shield" of defense.

Because I love my Lord.

The time between

Saturday March 14, 2020.  It was not on my radar to think that this would be the last time I would snuggle my precious grandson for three months.  I remember arriving at my sister's place to celebrate Mom's birthday and some of my family greeted us at the door wearing masks.  We all thought it was hilarious, never imagining what was just around the corner.  

Seaton was just a little over three months at that time and his happy place was snuggling in the arms of anyone who would rock him.  Those elongated "moments" were my happy place as well and I just drank in this warm little body burrowed into mine.

 

Then lock-down and three months of not having my grandson in my arms.  In all honesty, the ensuing weeks were less heart wrenching than I would have expected.  Yes, at times I cried and ached to feel his body against mine, but this was not the norm.  We were graciously indulged with pictures/videos daily and even enjoyed some lovely physically distant walks in Cam and Sonya's neighborhood.  I had this illusion that I wasn't missing anything.  I was still "watching" Seaton find his hands, learn how to hold a toy and reach for his Daddy's cereal and dump it.  I saw him roll over and get strong enough to sit on his own.  I listened to his sheer delight in sitting outside in the grass and become ever more observant at the world around him.  I wasn't missing anything--or so I thought.

Until the first time I held him and he no longer wanted to snuggle but for me to help him stand on my lap as he reached for my face.  He was much stronger and more unpredictable in his movements than previous  It caught me completely by surprise.  This was not the same baby!  While I was enjoying pictures and replaying videos on a screen, my grandson was growing and changing in real time and I had missed it!!  Brian and I took him for a walk that same day and I cried the first 15 minutes.  At the time I was unable to articulate why--only that "this" first tangible encounter was not what I had expected.

That was over a month ago now.  It has felt like I am getting to know my grandson all over again.  I have had to learn the best ways to hold him so that my back/hip are still able to move when I get home; he weighs quite a bit more!   He's been teaching me what peaks his interest and gets him excited and lets me know when he's bored of this and we need to move on to something fresh.  Every time I see him there is something new he has mastered and I receive such joy being a part of these moments.  I refer to it as "Nana therapy":)

Seaton Tadeo was six months old on July 5!  He's a little man who is eager to walk if only his wobbly legs would carry him.  For now he either stands holding on to something(with other hands at the ready) or he relies on whoever is willing to hold his little hands so he can slowly move across the floor.  I recall a phrase that goes something like this...."If I had known having grandchildren was this much fun I would have had them first!!"  haha  

Such a gracious gift of God.  I love him to pieces!!

80 Years Young

The birthday boy with his new boat!

This is my dear Dad.  It's often how I write my texts to him..."Hi my dear Dad..."  He is turning 80 years young on Tuesday July 14.  My Dad does not live his age!  He leads a far busier and active lifestyle than I do and that is not a stretch at all.  It does have something to do with him being an extrovert and myself leaning more on the introverted side but even with personality types aside, he is an extremely active man.  (Although he is a lover of naps and can doze off most anywhere.  haha).  He claims no aches and pains and enjoys strong, physical health.  Just in case you have somehow missed it in the pictures, Dad is also an avid fisherman.  In the winter it's ice fishing and in the summer it's lake fishing. 

My Dad loves God and he loves people and his life exemplifies this in spades.  He lives a life of earnest faith, and excessive love and generosity.  He is a man who freely shares his thoughts and emotions and in doing so his strength is revealed.  Dad has now lost two wives and though his heart aches, he presses on.  Dad lives life to the full.  He is all in in whatever he is doing!

Given the various guidelines and restrictions within our current reality, we as a family needed to be creative in planning a celebration.  So yesterday afternoon, we held a Drive-by Celebration at the end of the lane way at my brother and sister-in-law's home.  We could not have custom ordered a more comfortable day weather wise.  With great delight we watched cars line up and drive-by, stopping for a minute or 2 to give their love and blessings.  Friends and family took time to come and "love on my Dad" and it warmed my heart.

The last time people collectively gathered to express their love was this past February when we celebrated Mom's life and mourned her death.  Dad's birthday celebration gave all of us an opportunity to love on Dad and celebrate the life he continues to live.  Mom's absence was present in many "Mom" kind of ways. I know Dad had some tears as we began the day.  He would have loved to have her here to celebrate this milestone.

Dad, I love and admire you so much.  Happy 80 years of living life!! xoxo

Hesed--the perfect bubble

A number of years ago, my Spiritual Director introduced me to the Hebrew word Hesed.  In brief, it refers to the unfailing love of God...His lovingkindess.  Or said another way, His covenantal faithfulness.  She so passionately expressed the beauty and richness of Hesed that it has been transformative for me.  Ingrid has stated such truths as –

God does everything by covenantal faithfulness

His love is not a stingy Hesed

 (a truth highlighted in Psalm 85:10 “Unfailing love and truth have met together. 

Righteousness and peace have kissed.”)

I took it upon myself one day to note each of the times God’s unfailing love was mentioned in the Psalms.  I underlined and drew a heart to mark this.  I counted 127 times in the Psalms alone!  Indeed, God’s love is anything but stingy!

Psalm 32:10 has been as a warm blanket for me both in the past and increasingly in the present.  The latter part of this verse reads, “…unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.”  Ingrid has so powerfully captured this verse with a stunning reality--“Hesed in the bubble in which we live.”

As of late the "talk of the town" is about who is in your bubble.   Stage 2 as directed by our government has now allowed each of us to be part of a bubble of 10.  Though it may sound simple, and perhaps for some, it remains this way, it’s not for me.  For myself, and the majority of people I talk with, creating and living within that bubble is complicated.  My therapist has aptly said, “There are no rules right now.”  The government has strongly recommended guidelines but black and white rules are few. 

The problem--

Some of us are stringent rule keepers and feel guilty “breaking” them

Some live with an expansive freedom and wonder why so many are anxious

Some have high risk factors and have made difficult choices to keep their bubble small

Some would like to have a family member in their bubble but for many reasons it wouldn’t “work” or it’s not safe.

One woman I know works in health care and continues to live in a bubble of one, distanced from those she loves.

And the list would be never-ending if I continued further.  It’s complicated. 

This “no rules time” is especially hard for someone like me who often lives under the illusion that control, perfection and order are in my grasp.  Beyond myself, I can’t steer anyone else to abide by my comfort level.  Nor should I!!!

Which is where Hesed comes in and this stunning realization that “Hesed is the bubble in which I live”!

This is what the Hesed bubble looks like--

Each new morning, I am awakened in His unfailing love and fall asleep wrapped in the same

The parameters of Hesed are set in stone.

His covenant is irrevocable to me, His daughter

The boundary line of sovereignty is eternal.

All the security I could possibly need is contained in the unfailing love of God

It does not help for me to pretend or deny that I am living a strange existence where relationships are slotted into bubbles or distancing.  I make space for the challenges, painful decisions and ensuing ramifications of the present.  But there is also a spiritual realm so other-worldly which can make this earthly struggle pale in comparison—if I choose to live in the Hesed of God. 

For the foreseeable future, the core way in which I live out life is going to be s t r e t c h e d.  Ingrid would urge me to see this as a "grace of God."  It's a grace of God that my "kingdom" of control and order is in  crisis.  That I am feeling this churning within is actually a good and yes necessary storm.  God longs for me to be free but freedom only comes from surrendering that which I hold on to with an iron grip.   

So I move forward with open hands, trusting Him to take hold and lead me.