Dreaming, Hoping, Waiting

"I Praise You for What is Yet to Be"

Wondrous Worker of Wonders,

I praise you, not alone for what has been,

or for what is,

but for what is yet to be,

for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.

I praise you

that out of the turbulence of my life

a kingdom is coming,

is being shaped even now

out of my slivers of loving,

my bits of trusting,

my sprigs of hoping,

my tootles of laughing,

my drips of crying,

my smidgens of worshipping;

that out of my songs and struggles, 

out of my griefs and triumphs,

I am gathered up and saved,

for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.

I praise you

that you turn me loose

to go with you to the edge of now and maybe,

to welcome the new,

to see my possibilities,

to accept my limits,

and yet begin living to the limit

of passion and compassion

until, released by joy,

I uncurl to other people

and to your kingdom coming,

for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.

Guerrillas of Grace

By:  Ted Loder

I've been reading this prayer for a week now.  My Spiritual Director introduced me to it last Tuesday and it has resonated with me in so many ways.  In part, I could recount so much of "what has been" and for sure some of this has been tooling around in my mind.  If I focus on "what is", this too would take a chapter worth of telling.  But it's the "what is yet to be" that has caught me.  

I haven't given myself to anything new for some time now.  That's not to say that there hasn't been a stitch of new in my life.  Quite the opposite!  The past year has found me thrust into new terrain with my daughter moving across the country, but this was not of my own doing.  And yes, her adventure did become my adventure in many ways, but still, it was not something I chose for my life.  But this crossroads that I find myself at is starting to whisper of newness.  And I am wondering if God is perhaps turning me "loose...to the edge of now and maybe, to welcome the new, to see my possibilities, to accept my limits, and yet begin living to the limit."   It sounds so foreign for me actually, because I am all about limits and what I can and cannot manage in my life.  I'm almost afraid to even entertain the thought of a new possibility.  It begs of risk and dreaming and a specific kind of hope, and I seldom, if ever go there.  And yet, an opportunity has been presented and I think it's of God.  I'm hoping it's from God for me. I'm asking God if this is from Him.

And I'm waiting.  Waiting on the "wondrous worker of wonders" who is "gracious beyond all telling of it".

The Crossroad

I often find that the 365 days of the previous year, at first glance seem to blur together.  Then slowly I begin to pull apart the seasons and events, highlights and circumstances I wish I could erase.  Although I haven't perused my journal from last year this holiday as I sometimes do, I know that I would read of struggles I wasn't sure I would ever emerge from, or relationships which appeared to be dismantling, and so much which caught me off guard.  I would read of my doubts and fears and longings and pain and questions voiced.  And I would realize once again, that my God was ever faithful and that those days on last year's calendar which felt hopeless, appear much different today. 

Today spans a new panorama of days and I wonder what lies beyond the horizon.  Last year feels as though it is carrying over into this year in many ways.  I turned 50 10 1/2 months ago.  A milestone for sure and very much an enjoyable one for me at the time, but as the months have passed, I'm unsure of what I think about being in my 50's.  Coupled with this is various physical health concerns which are as of yet undiagnosed making me wonder how life will look even 10 years from now if I'm already facing these particular challenges.

Moving my daughter across the country 4 months ago is still new, still the change of such disproportionate magnitude that it has not fully become a comfortable part of my being.  I am preparing to say goodbye to her again in a few days but this one holds its own unique flavor.  In September she was off on an adventure.  Now, she's returning to her home. 

And I'm standing at a crossroads.  At least this what keeps coming to me over and over again.  What this crossroads means, what it holds, what opportunities lie waiting??  It's all so completely unknown.  Except that everything points to an inward road.  A soul journey with God.  A quiet, purposeful, intensive "being" still with Him.

I'm already endeavoring to NOT try and figure it all out, as is very much my way.  God is pursuing me. That much is sure.  I am preparing Him room, waiting and listening.