The Crossroad

I often find that the 365 days of the previous year, at first glance seem to blur together.  Then slowly I begin to pull apart the seasons and events, highlights and circumstances I wish I could erase.  Although I haven't perused my journal from last year this holiday as I sometimes do, I know that I would read of struggles I wasn't sure I would ever emerge from, or relationships which appeared to be dismantling, and so much which caught me off guard.  I would read of my doubts and fears and longings and pain and questions voiced.  And I would realize once again, that my God was ever faithful and that those days on last year's calendar which felt hopeless, appear much different today. 

Today spans a new panorama of days and I wonder what lies beyond the horizon.  Last year feels as though it is carrying over into this year in many ways.  I turned 50 10 1/2 months ago.  A milestone for sure and very much an enjoyable one for me at the time, but as the months have passed, I'm unsure of what I think about being in my 50's.  Coupled with this is various physical health concerns which are as of yet undiagnosed making me wonder how life will look even 10 years from now if I'm already facing these particular challenges.

Moving my daughter across the country 4 months ago is still new, still the change of such disproportionate magnitude that it has not fully become a comfortable part of my being.  I am preparing to say goodbye to her again in a few days but this one holds its own unique flavor.  In September she was off on an adventure.  Now, she's returning to her home. 

And I'm standing at a crossroads.  At least this what keeps coming to me over and over again.  What this crossroads means, what it holds, what opportunities lie waiting??  It's all so completely unknown.  Except that everything points to an inward road.  A soul journey with God.  A quiet, purposeful, intensive "being" still with Him.

I'm already endeavoring to NOT try and figure it all out, as is very much my way.  God is pursuing me. That much is sure.  I am preparing Him room, waiting and listening.