To Be Called By God

I've always loved those verses, the ones introducing  the author of a particular biblical book.  They begin with such strength ..."Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God."  I hear such power in those words and I try to imagine how very empowering this knowledge must have been.  For Paul,to know that his calling was God's will must have given him such a rock solid faith in his ministry. 

I say that I try to imagine being resolute in God's calling, and yet,I don't just imagine it, I do know this for myself.  It may not be recorded as Paul's is, but I have journals that would just as emphatically express it.

I clearly remember the first time God called me.  It was over 20 years ago, and someone had suggested that I consider funeral service as a career.  There were aspects of this field that were clearly in line with my heart.  I deeply cared about hurting people, and there would never be a shortage of pain in this profession.  But preparing the deceased for public viewing and funerals??!!  It seemed preposterous.  I was known to be a squeamish person!!!  But yet God very clearly and intimately made it known to me that He was calling me  for such a ministry.  And despite the hurdles and fears and the heaviness of such a ministry, I said "yes"...so powerful was His calling on my life.

Recently, God has brought me to a turning point in my life...placed a calling on me that is also marked with hurdles...fears and a heaviness.  And in and of myself, without the empowering strength of God, it is even more absurd... a"what-on-earth-are-you-thinking-kind-of" crazy calling.  God has called me to lead a small group of women in going deeper in their relationship with Christ.  Why so crazy?


 Eight years ago, I took a leave of absence from formal ministry.  I had intended on returning within 2 months.  But the depression I was battling was not about to leave without a fight.  It was three years before I would actually feel like life was maybe worth living again.  And although I have vastly improved and enjoy a quality of life I never thought possible, I am still never stable long enough to even consider committing to any level of formal ministry.

Or so I thought. 

But it seems God has other plans...plans that His strength would encompass my weakness and somehow, in His "out-of-this-world" way, He would pull this off.

There was really no point in arguing...His calling was intensely and intimately and unbelievably orchestrated. I was in awe of how God spoke to me...it was breathtaking. This song sent shivers through my entire being as I surrendered to His calling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kN1MvK7Y-iY

Sometimes Your calling, comes in a dream
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit's breeze
You reach for the deepest hope in me
And call out for the things of eternity

But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say

Chorus
Here I am, Lord send me
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me
Somehow my story is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands
Are You not the closest when it's hardest to stand
I know that You will finish what You began

And these broken parts You will redeem
Become the song that I can sing

Chorus

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness
And the fear that I'll fail You in the end
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but You can

Here I Am, all my life an offering to You, to You
Somehow my story is a part of  Your plan
Here I am.
--"Downhere"

I am on a walk of faith with an incredible God.

"Juanita, a servant of Jesus Christ, by the will of God..."

The Manna-Giver

It's what I need each morning as I crawl out from under my warm covers...a fresh, supply of heaven's manna.

 I'm not referring to bread per say, as the children of Israel desperately needed for sustenance.  For God-reasons unknown to me, my daily supply of bread and earth's abundance is always overflowing.  And I am humbly grateful.

But I am in need of another kind of manna.

I note that in Exodus 16:2-18 the scene is a desert and ultimately a home for God's people.  But they are confused and worried and full of complaints because of their current living conditions.  They even accuse their leader, Moses, that he has brought them to this place to die.  (I've had my own days of desert living...wondering if I too had been sent there to die)  We often fault their harsh tongue lashings, more accurately meant for God, but disguised as an "address" to Moses. 

But when we are in need, is this not where we so naturally default?  We may begin by bemoaning our lack thereof of something we feel is crucial in our lives, but we, or at least I can quickly move to releasing my frustration heavenward.  And desperation can effortlessly fuel my thoughts and words into anything but polite requests to the Manna-Giver.

And this is where the Spirit moved me.. through the questions in my devotional guide.  And though I answered them earlier this week...I continue to recall their deep meaning as the circumstances of my days have unfolded.

What do you worry you will not have enough of?

If God were to give you manna, what form would it take?

Ask God for enough of what you need
I could effortlessly pen my answers for you to read, but I desire to leave room for the Spirit to touch your personal need.

Because we all have needs.

Some of you are perhaps barely holding on and your needs are seemingly insurmountable;  your worry that you will not have enough to make it through the day, races through your mind endlessly. 

For some of you, this season of life is good and full, but still you know you need manna in a specific form. 

Whether you have complained to the Manna-Giver, screamed 'til your voice was hoarse, or simply asked, I'm not sure that God is picky. 

But I do believe He wants us to ask.  It reminds us Who is on the throne and compels us to put our faith on the line and trust His provision.

What I found so striking at the closing of this scripture was that those who gathered "much" did not end up with extra, and those who gathered "little" did not find themselves lacking.

In other words they had enough.

Enough. 

Not enough for the next day...or week or year.  But enough for today.  (I tend to lean towards the provision for at least a year in advance, but...)

And so I am asking carefully...wisely for the manna I need for today...and praying that the Manna-Giver supplies a measure of faith to trust His Enough.

Endings and Beginnings

It was a flurry of activity in our home up until recently as we  prepared to send Cam off to University and apartment living.  Throw in celebrating his 19th birthday and you have days jam packed with never-ending to-do lists.  I can hardly believe we accomplished what we did in such a short space of time.  I cannot believe that I have survived the organized chaos of this oft termed, "launching season".

Truthfully, I feel that our launching of our son began when he took his first breath and the "cord of life" was severed 19 years ago.  Since then, we have always been in a process of letting him go.  But oh so quickly, the unmooring seemed to take on a faster, more defined pace.  And this is what has filled our lives up until a few short days ago. 

Cam asked me to be a part of his "household" shopping excursion.  I was thrilled.  It meant the world to me that he wanted his Mom to walk up and down the aisles searching for the perfect knife set, pots and pans and various gadgets.  And just for the record, he was literally on a methodical search.  I'm not sure  how many 19 year old guys are that intent on what is in their kitchen besides food!!  I did find it interesting that when I tried to mention other essentials such as TP, hand soap and a shower curtain, his reply was: "I'll worry about that later."  (I know he had one roll of TP on his official moving day, because his sister gave it to him for his birthday...something about being concerned regarding the absence of such an item.)

 His birthday celebration grew into one of those beautiful "Eucharisteo" moments.  Of the people originally invited to celebrate, only two were able to come.  The rest had previous plans(one of the downfalls of having a birthday on a long wknd.)    BUT...due to a variety of circumstances, one by one, the phone calls came in saying, "I can come after all!"  Because Cam was unaware of some of these calls, we kept it a surprise.  What joy to see the look on his face and hear the excitement in his voice as he saw the faces of those who mean so much to him.  What a fabulous party filled with yummy food and laughter...reminiscing and anticipation.

 What better way to end a party than by asking your guests to help pack your moving trailer!!!!  And that is how the evening ended, with boxes and mattresses...a desk, couch, chair and bikes, all being loaded up ready for the big move the following day.

 Tuesday morning dawned with one very excited young man and a trailer full of his life thus far.  He had some friends help in unloading and setting up, and was off again to another orientation event at the university.  Brian, Ashley and I arrived late in the afternoon and were ushered into his new adobe.  It seemed surreal that my son of 19 years now had a home of his own.  Oh my...here comes that wave of bittersweet again.  :)  Brian and Cam and roommate Steve went for another load of his belongings while Ashley and I concentrated on highly important matters...ordering pizza!!!!!!  Who moves without the "obligatory" pizza??!! 

Some people hang their clothes in the closet...my son...his bike.

Instead of "the house that Jack built", it's "the desk that Cam built" :)

And so the "ending and beginning".  That is what transpired.  The ending of our son living within our family unit, and the beginning of his venturing out into a new life.  I couldn't be happier for him.  It's not hard to recall my own "glory days" of leaving home and living on my own.  What a full and exciting season of life it is! 

And my heart?  This is my heart...

"Cam...I have grown to love you more and value who you are over the years, but with greater intensity these past nine months.  I am so grateful for the closeness we have developed in our relationship.  This truly makes your leaving home that much more bittersweet.  I will miss our heart-rich conversations, your humor and wonderful gift of music(both singing and playing).  But I am left with gratitude for the ways in which you have filled my life.

You are an incredible creation of God!  Indeed, 'God layed his hand on you...'  Your willingness to submit to Christ and us as parents, as well as other godly people, is bearing the fruits of maturity and 'a man after God's own heart.'

I am overwhelmingly proud to call you my son.  Creative, confident, intelligent, hard-working, introspective, humorous, handy:), talented, risk-taker, caring...all of these are words I would use to describe you.  Ultimately,  your thirst to always be growing your soul inspires me.

You are more than ready to be out on your own and spread your wings even more.  And you will love it!!  I give you my blessing as you begin the journey on this new path which God has set forth.

'Stay close to God...
there is no one who will ever listen,
as He does,
love you completely,
care for you through the long, dark night.
No one will ever bring the joy He brings...
the peace, the comfort, and the hope...
for life.'  
June 2000...Mom

All my love and prayers,
Mom