July 27, 1991-2011 " Walking Through Life Together"

"I had no idea it would be this hard--
     To serve you, especially when I don't feel like it
     To say, 'I'm sorry', when I think you should say it first
     To appreciate our differences when they seem to be pulling us apart
     To work through a conflict day after day after day..until we find a solution
     To tell you what I need, when I think it should be obvious
     To care for you, encourage and support you, when I am busy, tired and empty
I had no idea it would be this hard, but I always hoped it would be this good--
     To have actually found someone that I feel totally safe with
     To tackle a problem and emerge on the other side--closer than before
     To laugh with you, dream with you, enjoy you
     To be thankful for our oneness, yet value our individuality
    To walk with Christ...together, and marvel at how he works in us
    To be there for you as you are for me...in everything
I had no idea it would be this hard, but I always hoped it would be this good...
To spend my life with you."
--May 1998
Juanita

Eucharisteo, gratitude, blessed, content, privileged, deepest thanksgiving.  All words to describe how I feel on this "moment" of a day.  Twenty years is a long time and yet how those days and months quickly add up to years is still something of a surprise.  And so here we are...my husband and I celebrating twenty years of oneness, of a love that blossomed from those early years of learning how to love, to something deep and strong and rich and beautiful.

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart...there is no one I would rather journey through life with than you.  Your love for me...a Christ-like love is my treasured gift.  I love you.
Juanita

She got married!!!

She got married yesterday.  Katelynn...a friend...truly a beautiful, radiant bride.

Eucharisteo moments throughout the day are stored in my memory with God being clearly among us.

Blessings Katelynn and Grant on your new life together.

Resting at Eden

How thankful I am for our time at Eden this past week.  I felt as though God gave me a gift within a gift.  The time I had for resting was measurably more than I had expected.  And so God's whisper in my ear to rest came with His provision.

I was about 2/3's of the way through Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to See", when we arrived at Eden and I found my soul deeply settling in to this latter part of her book.  These chapters were primarily compiled of blog entries...the raw, honest emotions of a broken Mama's heart.  If you don't know the story, she and Steven Curtis Chapman's(Christian music artist) youngest daughter was run over and killed by one of their older children.  It was within these blog entries that Mary Beth drew me in, as some of the broken shards of my own heart, although from different circumstances, are painfully fresh.

It was during a walk on the beach one day, that Mary Beth thrust her hard questions heavenward.  "Why, What now, How, What?"  God's answers to her were answers for my own heart:

Why?  "Because I am God and I know all and am in control and know what is best.  Even though it looks like a mess...it is my mess."

What now?  "I am God...keep walking and keep trusting...love well the ones still in your charge and care...realize that time is short, life is hard, but I've given you so much, do not squander it!"

How?  "By remembering that I am God and your trust has to rely completely on me...no striving of your own will to fix, heal, cure, help, calm any of what you see as a mess.  I allow what I allow for reasons you can't even comprehend...rest.  You won't figure this out, but He who holds Maria, holds you."

What?  "Realizing I am God, do the next thing.  Tell people of my amazing faithfulness, love your family and friends well...rest!  It's okay to take the time you need for you.  Make changes if you need to.  Life on earth is short!  I am coming to get you...soon!"

 
Did you notice that God seemed to have a theme?   "I am God."  and "Rest".  

God is so gentle with us.  He knows us so well.  He knows what we need to hear and what is better left unsaid until another time.  I'm grateful for His calming ways...His timely wisdom.

Hard Eucharisteo

That's what Ann Voskamp in her book, "One Thousand Gifts" refers to when she talks about giving thanks in hard circumstances.  For me, "hard eucharisteo" looks like this:

--honest confessions that burden a soul

--bringing the darkness into the light

--smothering with scandalous grace

--all our tears in God's bottle

--strong, faith-filled husband

--caring, empathetic, listening friends

--growing through the pain

--remembering these words..."Let God be big enough"

--hope-filled scripture...Zechariah 9:12

--countless moments to speak truth in countless open-hearted conversations

--Romans 8:28

--Eden days just around the corner

As I paged through "One Thousand Gifts" I came across this particular highlighted paragraph.  I am so in need of God-reminders and hope and eyes of faith, because today I lost perspective, and my faith was small and my fear overwhelmingly burdensome. 

"All fear is but the notion that God's love ends.  Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough?  But I am infinite, child.  What can end in Me?  Can life end in Me?  Can happiness?  Or peace?  Or anything you need?  Doesn't your Father always give you what you need?  I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end.  Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endless counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear?  In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends.  If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child.  As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace."

I am at 212 of counting my own  one thousand gifts.  The last few days my gift list is growing measurably. 

"Hard Eucharisteo"