Welcome New Year...Welcome Grace

A new year is on the horizon.  Hours from now, in comfy homes and bustling restaurants, in quiet get togethers and rowdy parties, we will welcome in this blank slate of 2011.

Some will have already jotted down their resolutions for the new year; others continue to ponder what it is they hope to put feet to in the coming days and months.

I am welcoming grace.

Grace has never been my closest friend.  I've always been about no-nonsense rules, long lists and higher-than-I expectations.  My self-made or perceived laws tend to govern my daily living and quite frankly, leave me tired, disappointed and sparsely contented.  My desire to put to death this tug-of-war within is not something new, but how I am seeking to approach it is.  Instead of using phrases such as "have to" and "should" and "must", I am allowing even my words to be seasoned with grace.  That's why I am welcoming grace into my life this year.  I'm flinging open the door of my spirit and bidding her come.

I prefer not to call this a resolution.  A resolution, to me, is a little on the harsh side and leaves no room for failure, which is precisely what I am clamoring to get away from.  There's very little grace in a New Year's resolution.  One either meets the challenge or falls off the band wagon.  Failure.

So I am welcoming grace.

I desire to walk more closely with my Father and less competitively with others.

I long to rest more deeply in Christ and jump through fewer hoops of performance-laden living.


I plan to hide his Word of truth in my heart and have this drown out the false voices in my head.


I  aim to practice patience and kindness on myself and leave my self condemning attitudes by the wayside.

I yearn to experience the contentment of belonging to Him regardless of who else approves or doesn't approve of me.

I'm welcoming grace.

Those words, "welcoming grace", are so freeing for me.  They have this beautiful ring tone of eternity in them.  In my welcoming her, I can be assured she will stay.   Even when I fail... and I will, grace will still be there.  I may choose to not practice her presence, but God's lavish gift remains.  He is proficient at continually showering me with His grace.  Alleluia!

Let the calender turn its page, and a new year enter in.

Welcome grace.   

The Never Ending Story

Store decorations are coming down, the baking supply is dwindling, and I have waited in the customer service line(a short one) with a return.  All signs that Christmas is over.

But treasured family times and memories are on short recall.

 My dear daughter who got up at 7 a.m. Christmas morning to bake Jesus' birthday cake.  She was resting on the couch as it baked in the oven and the rest of us slept!

 Cam set to put yummy pork chops on the BBQ for our Christmas dinner.

 Ashley modeling her Aunt Tania's crocheted gift of hat, scarf and fingerless mitts.

 My kids...who are actually getting along this Christmas!!!  Harmony in the home is a lovely gift.

Cam's very first baking with yeast endeavour.  They were mouthwatering amazing!

It is the norm for me to often experience somewhat of a letdown once the big day has come and gone.  But this year has been different. This year I am more aware of that which continues on.  The One who is at the center of the season, is still at the center of my life.  The mind boggling story of perfect Love come to earth is not just a story for Christmas.  It is the Never Ending Story, and I'm wrapped up in this reality.  The story is not over; Jesus has not disappeared with the rest of Christmas.  He continues to pen His story in my life and to write the pages of His story throughout this broken world.  And with a new year just around the corner, I am reveling in this timeless gift.  I need this never ending gift.

So to all of you who thought it was all over, it's not!!!

Merry Christmas...forever.

Coming "Home" for Christmas

"God calls us to come home for Christmas.  
God calls us to come back from all those places where we have settled for less than the fullness of life promised to us in Christ.
God calls us back from all the ambitions and possessions we have pursued, thinking they would satisfy us.
God calls us to let go of any bitterness and resistance to forgive that block the light of love from warming us...
God calls us to come home and to rest, to be embraced by one who loves us as we are.
God offers us a place where we are fully known and also fully accepted."
--Mary Lou Redding
"While We Wait"

May you come "home" for Christmas to the One who waits for you.

Merry Christmas,
Juanita

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree--What a story you are telling this year...."

Last evening we "buried" our Christmas tree.  No, we are not bah humbugging the season, but our tree seemed to be.  We noticed shortly after decorating that a good number of needles were falling to the floor.  As the days passed, a daily carpeting was visible and I began to wonder if our tree was going to make it through to Christmas Day.  Several days ago, I noticed ornaments clumping together.  They were sliding down the branches into one another.  Many of the branches were in fact turning under as the needles effortlessly fell to the carpet.  The thought of purchasing another tree and redecorating did not appeal to me, but neither did the scene that was unfolding and knowing that this tree had no chance of surviving until the 25th.

So I called the Nursery and inquired as to whether they had heard other complaints of ultra dry tree.  "Yes, a few."  I explained the demise of our tree and was told a Fraser Fir (1 of the last remaining 7 trees at the Nursery) would be held just for us.  By now I was anxious to be rid of the corpse in my living room and anticipating a lush, fresh centerpiece.

Returning the brittle-branched tree was a feat in itself.  Wrapping it in a tarp helped prevent our van from succumbing to a green layer of prickles.  Upon arrival at the Nursery we were directed to the outdoor area where one lone Fraser Fir lay frozen against a wall.  Shall I say, one very tall Fraser Fir.  The tag read 12-14 feet.  Our ceiling is 8.  After sawing off 3-4 feet and a mountain of branches, we were set to go.

Removing Mr. Prickly from the back of the van resulted in the gentleman(Eric) assisting us to ask a question, "Did you put sugar in the water?"

"Yes"

"That's the worst thing for a tree...clogs up the pores."  He could tell instantly because of the black stump.

Did you know that?  We certainly didn't.  We've heard of many people who add sugar to their tree water.

So now, not only do we have a dead tree, but it appears that it was our own doing.  However, Eric, was in a very giving spirit, and insisted we take the Fraser Fir.  He could not be sure that it's fate did not also involve other elements.

Driving away with our new gem, I whispered my shock explaining to my hubby that I had noticed the price tag on the tree...$299.99!!!!!!!!!!  Eric GAVE us a $300 tree!!!!!  Unbelievable!

Three tree stands later, Sher is standing tall and gorgeous in our living room.  Yes, I named her "Sher" after the Nursery that so generously blessed us.  I say "three tree stands later", because our tree stand and one given to us by an acquaintance would not hold the weight of Sher.  Last night we went to bed as the "Leaning tower of Pisa" was anchored to the window frame.  This morning, the same Nursery had ONE LAST TREE STAND...a heavy duty steel base, and half price to boot.

Tonight, I am in awe as I gaze at what I believe is an extravagant gift from God.  We don't need Sher nor deserve her beauty.  We could have still had a wonderful Christmas without her.  But she has been given to us, and we are gratefully enjoying the unique way she has come to grace our home.

Don't expect to see Sher out on our boulevard the day after New Year's.  We plan to enjoy her well into January.

My Boy is Home!!!!!!!!!

Brian and I just got off the phone with Cam.  He's home from the Philippines!!!!!!!  It was sooooooo good to hear his voice!!!

It was a long trip home, with additional stopovers due to medical emergancies, delays, etc. But he's home.

He will still be in residence this week, debriefing the past 4 months as well as planning for the Expedition Party on Thursday evening.  It will be a night of pictures and stories and God's hand print on lives.  I can't wait.  My boy is home!!

On Friday he moves home, home!!  And I told him that my schedule is free that day, so I am able to come and pick him up at his beck and call. 

There will no doubt be challenges in learning to live together as a family again, but I believe his absence has done something inside of each one of us.  We are ALL anticipating our togetherness.   

My boy is home!!!

"Merciful Father, thank You for your protection, guidance and faithfulness to Cam."

Fully Present

This is my second year reading through Beth A. Richardson's Advent Devotional, "The Uncluttered Heart".  I love how the encouragement and challenges and comforts are fresh.  God's truth is always  in season regardless of having heard it before.  And His intimate ways are so obvious as He speaks to me each new day.

Today was timely, once again.  Allow me to share some of it with you.

"Being fully present in my body brings me into this moment--now.  Look!  I am seeing sunlight(or faces or Christmas lights).  Listen!  I am hearing music(or angry voices or laughter or silence).  Smell!  I am in the bakery (or the baby needs changing or the candles are lit).  Taste!  I am eating oatmeal(or coffee or something sweet).  Feel!  I am sitting in a chair(or I am hurting or I am tired).

Being fully present in my body allows me to turn to God more easily, staying open to God's leading in the next moment and the next and the next.  I am here, God.  What would you have me to do?  I am here, God.  Help me walk in peace.  I am here, God.  Give me wisdom and strength to face the next challenge.

Walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace."

That which resonated with me, was the call to be fully present, to enter into the realities of my life.  There was this sense of freedom in hearing "permission" to just be as I am.


The past couple of weeks have not found me perpetually singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  I am struggling emotionally again.  I hate that word...again.  I entered into the Christmas season with excitement and joy and anticipation.  But a certain level of this Christmas spirit has been overshadowed by the darker side that seems to never totally be gone from my life.  I have to be honest,  I'm disappointed and frustrated.  It's not the way I was planning for the month of December to unfold.  It's a challenge to enjoy all that I am "supposed" to enjoy, when I feel anxious, overwhelmed and fatigued.

But today, I felt a sense of freedom as I allowed myself to be fully present in my body, in the moment.   My eyes could focus on a flickering candle, a beautifully lit Christmas tree, and the gently falling snow outside my window.  My ears heard the swish of traffic on the wet streets, the heat pumping out of the vent beside me, even the sound of my pen as I wrote these thoughts.  My nose enjoyed the amazing aroma of the new scent of "McIntosh Cider" coming from my potpourri burner.  Sitting in my chair I felt its comfort and warmth, surrounding my tired body.   

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that regardless of all that I will experience, I still have the privilege of being fully present with all of who I am.  The Christ who came over 2000 years ago, beckons me to His side, as I am.  He will lead and provide and walk with me through each and every moment.

By His grace, I can walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace.

"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree"

I decorated our Christmas tree tonight.  The one that comes to within an inch of the ceiling.  It's ginormous, and we love it!!  Usually we look for one around 6 feet, but the nursery only had  7-8 foot Balsam fir, and I certainly was not going home "tree-less"!!!   The scent of Balsam draws me to inhale deeper.  It's difficult, but I patiently wait a couple of days for the branches to relax before hauling out all the decorations.

And so, in a quiet house, with Christmas music cheering me on, I began the yearly event.  It is always a nostalgic affair, and at times bittersweet.  Memories often come flooding back of times past.  I carefully place the ornament displaying my mother's picture in the center of the tree, remembering those seasons of deep grief.  I am able to smile and move on and not be catapulted into the sadness. 

I love how the majority of the ornaments remind me of the giver. 

Hand-made decorations made by the small hands of my children many years ago. 

The "five gold rings" ornament given to celebrate my husband's 5 years of sobriety.  That was 18 years ago!! 

A beautiful Betsie Goodman ball of a sleeping baby, given when Cam was born.  It tugs at my heart as I hang it on the tree, feeling the thousands of miles which separate us at present.

Oh, and the hand painted ball which traveled all the way from the Czech Republic, one of many treasured ornaments from a long-time friend.   

Hope are the words on one decoration.  It was what I so desparately needed for some very long, dark, pain-filled years. 

Speaking of hope, my Toronto Maple Leaf ball is sitting quietly beside, but in front of Brian's Boston Bruin Ball.  I wonder how long it will take him to notice my subtle hint.  I wonder how long I will have to hope before my Leaf's get their game together :) 

It was a gentle, happy-sad walk down memory lane tonight.  I suppose it's a reminder that my decorated tree is full of the bitter and the sweet, sort of like life.  And that's okay, because it's what makes living rich and full and wonderfully authentic.

Time to dim the lights, settle in with a warm blanket and enjoy.



 

 

Advent...His Coming

"God of Advent joy,                              
keep my eyes and heart open
to signs of your coming.
May I be joyously expectant,
seeing your coming
in a million ways.
Amen."
--Beth A. Richardson
"The Uncluttered Heart"

It's not something that just happens.  Without focus and choices and planning, Advent can simply be another word on the Christian calender.  For sure, my list of shopping and cards and decorating and gatherings is rather lengthy, and can at times be overwhelming.  Which is why, before I even start making my way through the maze of this season, I want to be steadfast about the deeper meaning.  I want my soul to be awake and alive to the God "who is coming".  And if I leave this all to happenstance, I know the days will rush by me, and I will arrive on Christmas Day, the day I celebrate His birth, and I will have missed "seeing his coming in a million ways". 

I know He is here, woven throughout my days, sometimes in obvious ways, and at other times, seemingly hidden.  That is, unless I am watching and listening and still and aware.  Today He showed up in a "chance" conversation, in a young woman's laughter, in the heaping pile of blessedness He dumps on me. 

On a whim, I decorated the inside of my home on Friday evening. The nostalgic beauty of decorations brought out of hiding, the familiar sounds of Christmas music, the flicker of candles and the shadows of lights, all serve to remind me that He is coming. 

I am joyously expectant.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 3

This will be the final part of "Out of the Mouths of Babes"

Ashley said she hopes I don't die until "you have wrinkles all over and you're ugly, and VERY elderly."  (Age 9)

This was a conversation with Brian's parents.  He was making a tongue and cheek comment saying, "We learned something new--Cameron is never wrong."
Without skipping a beat, Cam said, "You finally figured it out--and you've spent so much time reading all those books."  (Age 12)

A quote from Ashley:  "Parents and their sense of humor dies every day--it's tragic."  (Age 10)

"You don't have to hold back your tears for me, Mommy...I cry too...let it go."  (Ashley...Age 10, the night before one of Brian's surgeries)

I had been talking with Ashley about how she had been somewhat mean to a neighbour girl.
She said, "Everybody makes mistakes."
I said, "I know...I'm just asking you to think more carefully."
She responded, "I'm not the only kid who's made someone eat dirt before!"  (Age 10)

Following Cam's third blow-up since coming home from school, he came down from his room...put his arms around me, kissed me, and I said, "What am I going to do with you?"
His response:  "Love me tender."  (Age 14)

Four days prior to Cam and Brian leaving for Haiti.
I told Cam that I had cried during the time of commissioning that morning in church.
He smiled at me...gave me a long, big hug and said, "You did a good job of making me, Mom."  (Age 16)

It seems rather appropriate to leave off here, since that same young man, now two years older, is in the Philippines by now.  He left Thursday morning with a mission's team for a month long stay of ministry.  I trust that he has arrived safely, and know for certain, that a God-sized adventure awaits him.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 2

Further thoughts from my childrens' younger years.

When Ashley was 6, I went to see a neurologist because of tingling in my arms and legs.  I was trying to explain to her in a way that she could understand so I said, "I'm going to the hospital today for a test on my nerves to see how I can feel."
Her response was, "Oh, so you mean they're testing you about how you still have to apologize sometimes because you're a little mean."

Cameron talking with Brian after one of his meltdowns.
"Well Daddy, if you would just let me do what I want then I wouldn't have temper tantrums." (Age 9)

It was a very muddy day and Cameron asked to wear MY rubber boots to school after lunch at home.  When he got to school, he realized that they weren't very cool, but there wasn't time to come home again and change.  At the end of the day when he came home, I asked him how his afternoon was.  He said, "Not very good...kids were teasing me about my boots because they have a heel on them."
I replied, "I'm sorry honey."
Then he said, "Actually, I told a little lie....I told them that my other pair of boots say, 'I love Barney', so which do you think I would rather wear...daaaaaah."  (Age 10)

Ashley, after she and Cameron made bad choices at lunch--on our walk back to school she said emphatically, "But Mommy, how do we get the sin out of our minds?"  (Age 7)

Ashley
"I can't wait until we die, then I can have my own puppy, and we on't have to pay for it cuz everything will be free."  (Said with enthusiasm jumping around the kitchen) (Age 7)

A conversation with my children after Cameron said that EVERYONE in his class says that he's ugly.  (Turns out only one boy had said this)  Then, Ashley and I both told Cameron we thought he was handsome.
I said to him, "What do you think of yourself when you look in the mirror?"
He replied with a very male answer, "I don't think anything."
Then I asked Ashley the same question and she answered with the expression that belongs only to her, "I think I look great!" (Age 10 and 7)

Ashley's closing sentence to her prayer:  "And God, you sure do make my life much better than I thought it would be."  (Age 7)

Ashley...another bedtime prayer:  "Thank you for my puppies and my Mom and brover and my Dad, and me, DEFINETELY!"  (Age 8)

"Mommy, does everyone sin?"
"Yes Ashley."
"Because it seems like it's just our family that sins."  (Age 8)

"Mommy?"
"Yes, Ashley."
"I would risk my life to save you."  (Almost 8)

Commencement November 5, 2010

"We interrupt the scheduled series "Out of the Mouths of Babes", to celebrate the Grade 12 Graduation of one of those "babes"...Cameron Mark."


This past Friday evening was the Commencement ceremony for our son and his graduating class.

I suppose in some ways this event seemed like an afterthought, as he finished Grade 12 over 4 months ago, but the evening contained a wonderful air of excitement and celebration.

It was Cam's thrill and honor to receive the Primus Alumnus Award for his academic achievement and overall contribution to the school  This was unknown to him and to us, until we arrived.  A most memorable moment.

 "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time."
--Rabbinic proverb
Cam...you have marched to the beat of your own drum since the day you were born.  It has been one wild and crazy ride for the past 18 years.  We are so very proud of your hard work, and scholastic accomplishments.  But more than this, we are filled with joy as we have watched you embrace God on this pathway of life.  Our thank offering, is ultimately given to Him, who has clearly had His hand on your life each and every day.  We continue to give you to God, so that He may further the work He has begun in you...for His purposes. (Philippians 1:6)
Blessings, and our love and prayers...Mom and Dad

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 1

Eighteen years ago I was given "A Mother's Journal" from a dear friend.  Although initially, I used it as such, recording my thoughts of how mothering was unfolding for me, eventually, it became the place where I penned the words which came out of the mouths of my babes.  Every so often I return to these pages and smile and laugh and enjoy their sweet "innocence".

The other day, the stories from these pages, eased from my mind, the stresses of the day.  And I thought, "Why not share a laugh or two...or more?"  So, I've decided to run a series, I'm not sure for how long, of the priceless happenings in our home, many years ago.

"The stories you are about to hear are all true.  Not even the names or place have been changed."  Ha,ha

--Putting Ashley to bed one evening I said to her, "Ashley, you are so special to me."  She responded, "Mommy you are special to me too.  Can I keep you?"  (Age 4 )

--"Mommy, how come you have scales on your face?"
"What do you mean Cameron?"
"Under your eyes...there's scales."
"Those aren't scales, they're called wrinkles."
"Oh, you sure do have a lot of them."
"Thankyou, Cameron (not), but you shouldn't tell other women that they have a lot of wrinkles."
"Why not?"
"Well, because women would like to have soft, smooth skin like you do."
"Oh." (Age 7 1/2)

--Ashley received 2 sets of Barbie sheets and comforters from one of Brian's assistants.  She was thrilled!  I told her that the woman's daughters were "out of" Barbie stuff.  Ashley said to me, "Mommy, how could anybody not want Barbie anymore!  Tell me you will never, ever, sell these!"  (Age 5)  P.S. We no longer have Barbie bedding :)

--Cameron had a sleepover at the church and I asked him "What was the most fun?"
His reply, "Eating popcorn, caramel corn and not brushing my teeth."  (Age 8)

--"Mommy, I had a great dream last night."
"What was it Ashley?"
"God came down here and we were playing ball together."
"Oh, Ashley, that's great.  What game did you play?"
"Soccer"
"Who won?"
"God."  (Age 5)

--One day I was helping Ashley get her epi-pen on inside her snowpants.  I said that I could do it because "I'm an amazing mother."
To which she replied, "Mom...you're not amazing--you're a good working mother."
"Oh", I said.
"No one is amazing except God...you're good working."  (Age 5 1/2 )

--One day I had Cameron write out a list of what he needed to accomplish between breakfast and a friend coming to walk with him to school.  He would forget certain things and I would remind him.  Finally, with a groan of exasperation he said, "Life is so tough with women around."  (age 8)

--Cameron to his sister  "Ashley, you shouldn't argue with Mommy because she'll win." (Age 9)

My Storehouse

"It's important to keep adding to our storehouse of names, aspects, and images of God.  We tend to stick with the familiar images such as Father, Shepherd, Comforter, Christ.  But what if we're looking for the divine Comforter while the divine Challenger actually is on our case?  Or we're thinking we need the Fire of the Spirit to buck up our faltering spirits when God is trying to make the Water of grace available  through our own tears?  What if we're looking for divine Light and illumination when what's available is the divine Darkness in a 'cloud of unknowing'?"
--Robert Corin Morris
"Wrestling with Grace:  A Spirituality for the Rough Edges of Daily Life"

I read this quote about a week ago and it caught my attention.  I began to ponder what "new" name or image of God I should be adding to my storehouse.  Or perhaps worded another way, "What 'new' name or image of God does HE desire to add to my storehouse?

Personally, I am more comfortable with God as my Comforter than my Challenger, or God as my Light as opposed to Divine Darkness.  I am consistently looking to God to be my Security, my Stability in a world...in my world, which seems ever changing.  And I know that this is good and right and wise.  He should be my Security.  He should be the One in whom I find stability.  But what I am being challenged on in the words of Robert Corin Morris, is that He should  be more than that.  And quite frankly, that makes me feel a little uneasy.  At which time I run to my Security and bury my heart in His strength and ask Him to walk with me through the coming season.

Because I know that one is here.  A new season.

I met several days ago, a woman, whom I have asked to disciple me.  I have been praying and seeking a new Spiritual Director, as my previous one has felt she was unable to continue providing me direction.  And so I have patiently waited for His guidance in finding someone else to fill this particular role in my life.  The time spent with this woman held a strength and richness which has ignited a new sense of spiritual excitement.  But it was also apparent that her way of discipling would lead me onto a new fork in the road.  Herein lies an uneasiness as well.  No longer is the path clear in front of me the way I had mapped it out.  Now there are unknowns.  What will walking into this blank territory of my soul yield?  Is there a dormant part of my being that needs to be awakened?  Is there a weak part of my soul which needs to be made strong?    Yet I sense that God is mapping out this something new.  I sense holiness even amidst the quiet fear.  I wonder if just maybe, God does not have some new names or an image of Himself in mind, for me to add to my storehouse?

And so in His gentle strength, I will enter this new season, turn my soul into this fork in the road, and wait to hear the name He whispers in my ear.

Toronto 3 Florida 1

I think I had perma-grin this past Tuesday evening.  My hubby was given two tickets to a corporate box at the ACC and he took me!!!!!!!  My first time ever watching my Toronto Maple Leafs live!!  What a blast!

It was just wild to be there..the bright lights and cranked volume, and a massive amount of Leaf Jersey's.  Who knew that there could be so many different styles?  Our "box" was like a hotel room.  A couch, chair, mini kitchenette, and of course lots of food.

I enjoyed the veggies and dip and Brian enjoyed the pizza, fahitas, chicken fingers, chips and Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream. 

But what I relished in the most, was watching my Leaf's WIN!!!!! 

A night to remember for sure :)

Free Falling into God

It's how I would describe my son's openness to God these past weeks.  He's doing this incredible free fall into the "bigness" of God, and it is something truly amazing to watch and be a part of.

He's home for the weekend, having just returned from 11 days out of the province being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Sometimes that meant feeding the homeless, and other times it meant painting a wall.  At times it was about speaking truth to an individual, or listening to God reveal truth to his own heart.

But always, it was about pulling back the flesh of his body, exposing his raw, beating heart, and allowing God to mold and develop and make his innermost being, wise and loving and patient and kind...in a wild sort of way.  My boy is unashamedly wild at heart.

But I am still his mother, and as I hear him spill forth his dreams and thoughts and all that is so radical and extreme and beyond any sense of comfort, I find myself running.

Running to God so I can sit in the presence of the Creator of this life I birthed.  Sit and listen and feel His calming, all consuming Presence.  And surrender.  Alone in my livingroom with hands outstretched...upward to the heavens,  entrusting my son once again, surrendering my mother heart, submitting to the One who guides and protects and calls us to follow Him.

And in the surrendering, I was thanking.  Thanking Him that He is in charge and not I, that I don't have to carry this burden, because my son belongs to God.  A sweet, reckless belonging. 

Clay Crosse sings a powerful song called "I Surrender All".  The words so accurately depict the passion I see exuding from my son.  I share the lyrics and music video with you, as a tribute to the Majesty, Wonder and Wildness of a God who has called my son, and who personally calls each of us to free fall into Him.

I love watching you "fall", Cam!

I Surrender All

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand


In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours


I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires 
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all


If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain


So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise


Everything I am, all I've done and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life  I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all


Clay Crosses

 http://youtu.be/THHu5QPjB_4

Thanksgiving

 "What shall I render to the Lord

for all His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

 I'm thankful 
...for autumn's beauty; brilliant sunlight highlighting vibrant colors...the crunch of leaves beneath my shoes...the scent that causes me to inhale deeper
... for Eden's glory in work or play...
...for the richness of family and laughing, resting, sharing, and living together...
...for the ache that comes because I miss my son, but love his passion for serving God...
...for the bounty of food...always
I'm thankful for home that is always waiting for us...


"Enjoy winter's hibernation, Eden...see you in spring."

Beer for my Horses

Some of you are, at this moment, both bewildered and concerned.  As far as you are aware, I don't own any horses, and I'm not a guzzling  beer drinker.

What I am though, is a Country Music fan, and last evening, on our way home from dinner at my in-laws, my daughter and I had the sound waves dancing.  It had been a lovely autumn day, our windows were halfway down and we were both enjoying the cool beat of country.  And then this song came on..."Beer for my Horses".  Even though I can readily groove to the beat of Country, I can also admit that this genre of music can make a bad name for itself by some of it's lyrics.  And yes, "Beer for my Horses" was one such song.

But it made me laugh, and I had fun singing along with the crooning cowboy.  It was a welcome reprieve from a stressful week.  I am in the midst of trying to manage, adjust and understand some health issues.  It's nothing serious.

Living with Diabetes calls for a level of daily maintenance anyway, and once and awhile that level skyrockets.  I visited my specialist on Monday, having waited 4 months to see her.  Again, what sent me to her office was not a crisis, but my family doctor and I felt that her expertise would be helpful in understanding some challenges I was facing.  I left my apt. feeling like I had just been through a whirlwind and whipped out the other side.  She stopped one of my insulin's and started me on a brand new one, rearranged all of my dosages to my other insulin, changed my meal plan, booked me in with a Dietitian and scheduled 4 more app.'s with her over the next month!  Whew!  Can I catch my breath please???

I can tell that I have gained perspective over the years, because even as she was explaining all of the above, I was having a little chat with myself.  "It's okay, Juanita...it's a lot to take in right at the moment, but in the long run, this will benefit you."  So I just kept nodding, smiling and breathing :)  And "Hey", I didn't even cry when I got in my van to drive home!

I have quickly accepted that I am in a season of having to care for myself  surrounding a number of health issues.  I have been going to Physio twice a week(most weeks), since June, which has yanked 3-4 hours out of every week.  Two weeks ago I started to experience results.  It's been a long haul.  As well, at the end of July I had a small hemorrhage in my right eye, which has thankfully been healing on its own.  However, my Ophthalmologist would like to investigate the cause, which has meant more apt.'s, tests, and another specialist next week.  Oh, and two different doctors also want blood work done over the next week or so.  Enough already!!!!

So, I am working at settling in to this season of change, managing my day timer, and trying to go with the flow.  Not my forte! 

Oh, and, I blare "Beer for my Horses" and remember to laugh and not get too out of sorts over all that is transpiring.

Stronger

Stronger...
Because sapless faith drove me to my Fortress
Stronger...
Because echoing laments opened my ears to silence
Stronger...
Because adversity harvested wiser life rhythms 
Stronger...
Because exhaustive "why's" yielded to Sovereign mystery 
Stronger...
Because the blocked tunnel schooled me in waiting
Stronger...
Because joy eclipsed helped me choose contentment
Stronger...
Because a dismal future forced me to relish moments
Stronger...
Because the dark night of my soul refined my spirit
Stronger...
Because in my lostness Adonai found me
And I will never be the same


I recently listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast in which Jim Daley's new book, "Trading Brokenness for Unbreakable Strength--Stronger" http://onedesertrose.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/turn-struggles-into-triumphs-stronger-by-jim-daly-president-of-fotf/ was highlighted.  He shared how adversity in his life, as well as his wife's, had made them stronger.

I found myself reflecting on my own seasons of adversity.  I, like every other person on this broken planet, do not welcome hardships.  But adverse cirumstances can be the stimulus for forging a stronger spirit.  I don't know about you, but I'm grateful that after all the pain has subsided, there is something to show for  it all.  That I have been schooled throughout the battle.  That is wasn't all for not.

It doesn't mean that I have forever adopted some new growth pattern, or valuable truth, never to be forgotten.  I wish that were the case!  I am always a work in progress.  I awaken to some untouched area, and yet there is always more to grasp.  The well of my spirit is never full.  So too, the trials of life never cease.  This side of heaven, there will always be a "Stronger...because".

The wild and glorious undeniable fact, is that I am forever changed by the winds of oppression.  Beauty from ashes.  Joy after mourning.  Romans 8:28.

Stronger.

What is your "Stronger...because"?

The Wealth in His Words

"Under His wings you may seek refuge.  His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark."  Psalm 91:4

It's one of countless beautiful verses...like music to my weary, or frightened, or worry-consumed soul.  A few days ago I started unpacking these words.  Meditation is the spiritual discipline that my Devotional book has me in at the moment.  I confess that this continues to be a learning curve for me.  The phrase..."if you can worry, you can meditate" has gently haunted me, knowing that I am far more adept at one than the other.

But at present I am putting my energies into meditating.  As I have focused on words and sought definitions, the meaning in the verse above has virtually exploded.
 
When I reflect on the wings of a bird, my mind soars to pictures of shelter and protection and warmth.

Words which are similar to refuge might be, sanctuary, safehold, or haven.

The term shield can mean defend, guard, secure. 

I sense strength in the picture of a bulwark...fortification, defense work, rampart, fence, barrier, enclosure. 

Oh what a wealth of protection, love, safety and surety in the refuge and faithfulness of God!!!  I can hide under His wings anytime I choose!! 

Did you notice that?  "...you MAY seek refuge."  I believe it's my choice.  I choose if I will run to the sanctuary that is Him, with my ruminating worries, or overwhelming burdens. 

So often is it not until I collapse into His rest, that I stop long enough to recognize the magnitude of His faithfulness.  It is so all encompassing! 

There is a wealth in His utterances, a richness beyond even what I am able to grasp.  To think He gave us page after page after page of such priceless truths!

"O God...quicken my spirit to delve more earnestly into such a vast expanse."

"Packing, birthdays and the looming Goodbye"

Surreal.  That's what I'm living in this week.  I'm not a wreck, not moved to tears as he checks another thing off his packing list.  I'm just not fully grasping the reality of it all.

How can I have a son who will be 18 in two days?   Is he really packing up and moving out?  Then what?  What will this "look" like in our family unit?   This "growing up" always happens to other peoples' kids.  Now it's happening to me.  Sigh.  There is a part of me that wonders if I've done enough.  Have I ensured that he is ready for the world out there?  And I think there are probably two answers here..."Yes" and "No".  "Yes", because he'll make it out there no problem.  And "No", because I'm an imperfect human being, and cannot possibly have given him all that he needs.  But that's where God comes in and extends mercy to my fallibility, and all encompassing care to my son.

It's been such a good week with Cam.  I bribed him on Sunday and took him out for ice cream so that I could go over the "things to do" list.  It worked!  ha,ha.  We had fun together, compromised and managed to make a plan for the week.  He even allowed me to check up on him last evening! (But no nagging allowed in between).

To my surprise nagging wasn't even required.  I haven't seen him focus on tasks like this since his last semester of highschool.  And his room!!!!  The tornado winds that tore through his room several years ago, actually calmed this week and I can walk across the rug with no fear of fracturing my ankle.  Gosh, I should almost take a picture.

He's leaving his trail of memories though...I caught him again the other day.  He  arrives home from work on his bike and grabs one of my tea towels to wipe the sweat off his face and neck!!!!!!!!  He claims it is "just salt and water".  The tea towel obviously goes in the laundry, but I wonder how many times he's done it when I'm not around???  I don't even want to know.  I bought him some tea towels for residence.  I suppose they will get used one way or another.

Sunday evening we went for a family walk to a nearby park area.  It was lovely, with he and his sister actually talking and walking  amicably together.  I was quite enjoying our little outing, until Cam decided that our walk home would be the route he often takes as he jogs.  Over an hour later, we arrive home, hot, sweaty, and me wondering if I will make it.  Being diabetic I always carry an emergency snack with me, but was not prepared for Cam's long detour home.  His response to me..."you should have brought a lunch.".  (Sound familiar?)

We celebrated his birthday last evening, since he will be off on his adventure on Saturday.  The requested menu was steak, corn, mashed potatoes(with cream cheese and sour cream...mmmm.) and then Angel food cake with peaches and ice cream.

 

                                                  He just can't stop bugging his sister!!!!!!!

Throughout the teenage years, my husband has often said, "Well, he's 13, or 15 or 17 and he still loves us.  Last night, as he and Cam chatted around the BBQ, Brian commented to Cam..."You've made it to 18 and you still love us..."

It's a beautiful gift.  Because there really are no guarantees.  You can pour yourself into your babes and toddlers and preschoolers and they'll love you back with all they've got.  But when the tumultuous teenage years hit, a lot can go array.  You really have no idea where you as a parent will end up in your grown child's ratings.  Brian and I consider ourselves richly blessed.  Our son has opened himself to God's touch in his life and it has made all the difference in the world.

As I finish up this post, Cam is upstairs playing piano.  I'm going to miss that.

"Home is a company of people with particular values and a particular history...It is the particular womb out of which we are born...Home is a gift we never earn...Everyone leaves home a little differently."  --Herbert Anderson & Kenneth R. Mitchell  "Leaving Home" 

Our home is an imperfect interweaving of people, but it's been ours.  I cherish  memories past and anticipate those yet to be created down the road.