The Struggle

Oh how I am struggling to

surrender

relinquish

entrust

ALL to God

And oh what tension within as I,

with strong fist,

still seek to hold on to that which is

ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL!!

What absurdity this is--

seeking to control

that which is impossible!!

And how I lament

this ego-centric mind of mine

which somehow thinks
I am "God"!

Why

when I deeply desire to be at rest

in His sheltering, secure embrace

can I not do so??!!

I'm grateful for the vulnerability of others

who admit to the same.

Henri J.M. Nouwen in his book,

"The Road to Daybreak:  A Spiritual Journey"

writes

"This morning in my hour of prayer, 

I tried to come to some level of abandonment

to my heavenly Father.

It was a hard struggle

since so much of me wants to do my will,

realize my plans,

organize my future,

and make my decisions.

Still,

I know that true joy comes from letting 

God love me the way He wants...

it is hard for me to say, 

'I shall gratefully accept everything Lord,

that pleases You.

Let Your will be done.'

But I know that when I truly believe

my Father is pure love, 

it will become increasingly possible to say these words

from the heart."

And herein lies the key--

believing that my Father is PURE love.

I so yearn fro this rooted level of trust.

At times

I seem to live in this calm...

but it's always so fleeting--

which then reveals that such love

is so clearly

not

rooted in me.

My spirit pleads with the words of 

Paul's prayer

in Ephesians 3

to be fulfilled in me.

The Living Bible translation is descriptively beautiful--

"I pray that Christ will be more and more

at home in your hearts,

living within you as you trust him.

May your roots grow down deep in the soil

of God's marvelous love;

and may you be able to 

feel and understand...

how long, 

how wide,

how deep,

and how high

his love really is,

and to experience this love for yourselves,

though it is so great that you will never

see the end of it

or fully know or understand it.

And so at last

you will be filled up with God Himself."

verses 17-19

I am convinced that if 

"my roots were deep in the soil of God's marvelous love",

that surrender would be simple.

My own prayer 

is perhaps best echoed through the words of 

verse 16

(that God) "...out of His glorious, unlimited resources...

will give you the might inner strengthening

of the Holy Spirit."

"Holy Spirit come...

grow in me this inner strength of soul

that my roots would run deep

into the rich and life-giving soil

of God's perfect love."

Caught Off Guard

"Has it ever occurred to  you

that nothing ever occurs to God?

God knows all things,

including the future."

--Philip Graham Ryken

Oh what immense relief!!

God is never surprised!!!

Never shaking His head wondering,

"What just happened here?"

He is never caught off guard.

Never.

Which for me right now

is soothing.

Because I've been caught "off guard"--

My daughter and I both.

It was not supposed to unfold this way

It was to be a smooth, ripple-like transition

Not this rogue wave.

It's been 3 weeks since Ashley moved 

and started a new job

And although there is sure to be

newness and some nervousness for her with all of the above

it all seems to have multiplied

I too

feel unsteady

unsure of my footing

We both would have expected this scenario

last fall

when she initially moved away from home

to university residence

and higher education studies.

But it didn't transpire as such.

It was a move that she absolutely loved!

And studies,

although intense work and workload,

still manageable.

But this move--

this stepping out into adult life

has pushed both of us to our limits at times

Right now--

it's really pushing her

emotionally, mentally, physically

With who God has made her to be

coupled with her own broken ways of living 

she is undone in this hard place

And I'm here--

listening 

and encouraging

and loving

and supporting

and praying

as only a Mama does

Which again

is why I'm so grateful that none of this has caught God off guard

Psalm 139

is where my heart has been led --

"O Lord,

you have examined my heart 

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit or stand.

When far away you know my every thought.

You chart the path ahead of me,

and tell me where to stop and rest.

Every moment, 

you know where I am.

You know what I am going to say 

before I even say it.

You both precede and follow me,

and place your hand of blessing on my head.

This is too glorious,

too wonderful to believe!

I can NEVER be lost to Your Spirit!

I can NEVER get away from my God!...

How precious it is, Lord, to realize

that you are thinking about me constantly!

I can't even count how many times a day 

your thoughts turn towards me.

And when I waken in the morning,

you are still thinking of me!:

--verses 1-7, 17,18 LB 

God sees

and hears

and

is intimately involved in our lives.

He is!!!

I see Him!

But I also plead His

guidance

strength

and peace

as we both wade through the waters

towards higher ground

Who I Am

Who I am is in desperate need of God

I struggle with parts of who I am--

the weak places,

the ease with which it seems to take for me to grow weary,

the way my spirit leans towards feeling overwhelmed,

the way my life seems to capsize 

each time stormy circumstances blow my way

This is not who I long to be

But it is a part of who I am

Ingrid, my Spiritual Director says that

we all like to pick and choose the better parts of ourselves

instead of integrating all into the whole...

the strong and the weak

the successes and failures

Psalm 43:3,4 is a prayer of desire--

"O send out thy light and truth;

let them lead me;

Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,

And to Thy dwelling places

Then I will go to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, my God."

His light has been illuminating my path

His truth has been revealing--

beauty 

and hope 

and rest.

Who I am is in desperate need of God

And this is a good, good thing

Running to Him,

leaning on Him,

seeking rest in Him

is so very good

I find it noteworthy that the Psalmist prayer

for light and truth

does not lead him to "doing"

His prayer is to guide Him to "being"...

to a "dwelling place" in God

It is here in God's presence,

in the safety and rest and security of His presence

that He offers up praise to His God.

Reflective times this week have led me to ask--

What if the transforming work God longs to do in me

is about "being"

and not

"doing"?

What if it's not about how I look as a Christ follower

but who I am in Christ?

What if His greatest desire for me is not that I strive

for "wonder woman acts of righteousnes"

but that I live loved by God,

rest in contentment in His presence,

drink deeply of His lovingkindness, mercy and compassion?

What if all of the upheaval these past days has been,

not about revealing the weak parts of who I am

but more about

His spreading out the eternal expanse of who He is

and my desperate need for Him?

Then I would go--

"to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, My God."

My Lighthouse

It's been a week--

taxing,

highs

and

lows,

beautiful,

awful,

exhausting

Brian left for Haiti 5:20 Tuesday morning

but not without crisis

His text 30 minutes later

told me he was breathing easier

And though all is going well for my hubby and the team

he's still in Haiti

which leaves me just a little on edge

until his return

Ashley and I had two days to continue

moving preparations

both of us being flung up and down like yoyo's

with our emotions

yet our love and care for each other

navigates all this

in beautiful ways

We created lasting memories

in the midst of upheavel

We know who we are--

"mindful of our frame

that we are but dust"

in God's eyes--

If He can accept this about us

can we not also?

And so we decided...

spoke words of "permission" to ourselves and each other

to allow us to be

who we are

Still,

for moving day

I prayed for 

serenity

and 

flexibility

I knew how important it would be 

And He graciously provided

though not as I had expected

On edge, but excited

we arrived at Ashley's new home

to 

filth

Do people really live like this?

How?

Why?

 

Because we don't--

and can't

which meant parents 

and daughters 

rolled up sleeves

donned rubber gloves

 and got to work

Hours and hours of cleaning

to transform this house

into 

their new home

Safety concerns

Landlord bombshells

and 

still

I was

calm

and 

flexibile

The last two days

have been for

recuperating

and

processing

the maze...

caring for my girl

through the crazy, unplanned part

of this transition

And I suppose for many

they could take it all in stride

just let it all roll down their back

But it's not me--

it's not how I function

Truthfully

it's unhinged me a little

Pulled me off center

Left me a little fearful

insecure

  depleted for sure

There is no denying that 

God is my Helper

but 

He also provided me with a

helpmate

and 

this week was very hard without the strengths he provides for "us"

It was a difficult night last night

yet 

meditating on scripture

and

praying myself to sleep

hold a richness all their own

 

   I'm pushing through

and God is providing

in tangible ways as well--

(My son is calling and taking care of His Mama)

It's felt much like a sea of waves this week

captivating skies and smooth sailing at times

but

dark clouds and stormy waters have been swirling as well

He's my Lighthouse

through it all

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPtIv2lnkTY