Who I Am

Who I am is in desperate need of God

I struggle with parts of who I am--

the weak places,

the ease with which it seems to take for me to grow weary,

the way my spirit leans towards feeling overwhelmed,

the way my life seems to capsize 

each time stormy circumstances blow my way

This is not who I long to be

But it is a part of who I am

Ingrid, my Spiritual Director says that

we all like to pick and choose the better parts of ourselves

instead of integrating all into the whole...

the strong and the weak

the successes and failures

Psalm 43:3,4 is a prayer of desire--

"O send out thy light and truth;

let them lead me;

Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,

And to Thy dwelling places

Then I will go to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, my God."

His light has been illuminating my path

His truth has been revealing--

beauty 

and hope 

and rest.

Who I am is in desperate need of God

And this is a good, good thing

Running to Him,

leaning on Him,

seeking rest in Him

is so very good

I find it noteworthy that the Psalmist prayer

for light and truth

does not lead him to "doing"

His prayer is to guide Him to "being"...

to a "dwelling place" in God

It is here in God's presence,

in the safety and rest and security of His presence

that He offers up praise to His God.

Reflective times this week have led me to ask--

What if the transforming work God longs to do in me

is about "being"

and not

"doing"?

What if it's not about how I look as a Christ follower

but who I am in Christ?

What if His greatest desire for me is not that I strive

for "wonder woman acts of righteousnes"

but that I live loved by God,

rest in contentment in His presence,

drink deeply of His lovingkindness, mercy and compassion?

What if all of the upheaval these past days has been,

not about revealing the weak parts of who I am

but more about

His spreading out the eternal expanse of who He is

and my desperate need for Him?

Then I would go--

"to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, My God."