The Struggle

Oh how I am struggling to

surrender

relinquish

entrust

ALL to God

And oh what tension within as I,

with strong fist,

still seek to hold on to that which is

ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL!!

What absurdity this is--

seeking to control

that which is impossible!!

And how I lament

this ego-centric mind of mine

which somehow thinks
I am "God"!

Why

when I deeply desire to be at rest

in His sheltering, secure embrace

can I not do so??!!

I'm grateful for the vulnerability of others

who admit to the same.

Henri J.M. Nouwen in his book,

"The Road to Daybreak:  A Spiritual Journey"

writes

"This morning in my hour of prayer, 

I tried to come to some level of abandonment

to my heavenly Father.

It was a hard struggle

since so much of me wants to do my will,

realize my plans,

organize my future,

and make my decisions.

Still,

I know that true joy comes from letting 

God love me the way He wants...

it is hard for me to say, 

'I shall gratefully accept everything Lord,

that pleases You.

Let Your will be done.'

But I know that when I truly believe

my Father is pure love, 

it will become increasingly possible to say these words

from the heart."

And herein lies the key--

believing that my Father is PURE love.

I so yearn fro this rooted level of trust.

At times

I seem to live in this calm...

but it's always so fleeting--

which then reveals that such love

is so clearly

not

rooted in me.

My spirit pleads with the words of 

Paul's prayer

in Ephesians 3

to be fulfilled in me.

The Living Bible translation is descriptively beautiful--

"I pray that Christ will be more and more

at home in your hearts,

living within you as you trust him.

May your roots grow down deep in the soil

of God's marvelous love;

and may you be able to 

feel and understand...

how long, 

how wide,

how deep,

and how high

his love really is,

and to experience this love for yourselves,

though it is so great that you will never

see the end of it

or fully know or understand it.

And so at last

you will be filled up with God Himself."

verses 17-19

I am convinced that if 

"my roots were deep in the soil of God's marvelous love",

that surrender would be simple.

My own prayer 

is perhaps best echoed through the words of 

verse 16

(that God) "...out of His glorious, unlimited resources...

will give you the might inner strengthening

of the Holy Spirit."

"Holy Spirit come...

grow in me this inner strength of soul

that my roots would run deep

into the rich and life-giving soil

of God's perfect love."