Timeless

Oh there is so much that is changing in my life...the life of our family right now.

Cam is getting married and Ashley just landed her first job as a hostess at a nearby restaurant.  She begins tonight at 5:00 with frayed nerves fully intact!!

And Mama here is recognizing that her psyche is still playing catch- up and her soul is doing major flip flops. 

Change.  I don't believe change can ever be neutral, but it is often bittersweet. 

The excitement is palpable in our home at times.  I could not be happier for Cam or more grateful for the woman of God that he has been blessed with.  I admire and marvel the quiet, God-honoring relationship they have grown together with Him as their foundation.  I relish answering the phone with, "Mother of the groom speaking." :) I feel rich standing with our arms around each other...my future daughter-in-law and I.  This is a beautiful season of my life and I am loving it.

But truthfully, I am still not accustomed to even having had my son leave home and head off to university, let alone this next journey of life.  I look at my firstborn and remember that delivery room where we welcomed a lungs-filled-with-life-breath son.  His entrance into our lives has changed us forever.  But he is a man now and I am caught between the then and the now not always knowing who I am in the middle of all of this. 

The next four suppers/evenings, Ashley will be gone to work and Brian and I home alone.  Trust me...we have NO problem being alone:)  We will enjoy this additional time of cultivating our relationship and of course talking freely about this season we are finding ourselves in. 

Still, it will be different, quieter... another change.  Not good or bad, but not neutral either.  Bittersweet is the word I continue to return to.  I can already hear my girl when she gets her first paycheck..."I love my job!!!" :) And by then the jitters will be gone and she will know the ropes and be spouting confidence.  Another step towards independence and increasing responsibility will be hers and those are all very good things.  She even wants me to purchase a purse calender so she can keep track of her work schedule.  I've been trying to persuade her to use a calender for YEARS!

And I take another small step back as her life expands with this new pathway.

Change.

"Selah" sings a song entitled "Timeless".  I have been listening to it the past few weeks, and today it just seemed to become my heart's melody.  Despite the emotional ride I am on...there is One who never changes.  He is Timeless.  He has been my security, the calming Presence, the One who keeps me grounded. 

"Timeless"

Time, it's changing me
It's hard to see who I am
Touched, I'm touched by many things
So many things I don't understand

But seasons pass and I discover 
Above all this there's another
Helping me to hold on to what 
is timesless

So the autumn can color me gold
And the winter can dress me 
in snow
But it's You I see,
the timeless part of me
In the springtime I'm young
once again
In the summer I dance on
the wind
But it's You I see,
the timeless part of me

Change, whether it's good or bad
You know I'm glad You're in
control
Oh Lord, if I don't understand
I know Your hand will shield my soul

Seasons pass and I discover
Above all else there's another
Helping me to hold on to what is timeless.
--Selah

"Going to the Chapel and They're Gonna Get Married!!!"

Cam and Sonya

Engaged:  Sunday March 25, 2012

Wedding:  Saturday July 14, 2012

"Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe."  1 Timothy 4:12

"This is my beloved and this is my friend."  Song of Solomon 5:16

With our deepest love, joy, support and blessings on your life together....Dad and Mom

Word of God Speak

Last Sunday we ended our service singing "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me.  I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it years ago and always I am transported to holy ground.
 http://youtu.be/JTY-UKgLlXs

The sacred power of God's Word is equally quieting my soul and awakening it.  I can't pinpoint any one reason, as He seems to have orchestrated various people and events to draw me to the life-giving power of His Word.  I am both calmed and challenged by the voice of God.

This week I began a journey through the Bible guided by the book by Dr. Larry Crabb, entitled, "66 Love Letters--A Conversation With God that Invites You Into His Story".  Dr. Crabb essentially writes his own summary of each of the 66 books of the Bible.  And although His words are deeply moving in and of themselves, I know that the actual reading of each of the biblical books is paramount to a fuller understanding.  I have chosen the Message translation to keep me awake through some of the less enticing trails of God and His people.   ( "Just be'in honest God."  )

I am probably almost halfway through Genesis and I hear God calling me to trust.

I would rather not compare myself to Abram/Abraham in some of his failures in faith, and yet at other times in His life when He is a faith-giant, I know I would fall short.  I "marvel" at his inconsistency.  The same man of whom God asks to pack up his entire family and move...and says "Yes God", is the same man who later lies about his wife being his sister to save his own neck.  Come to think of it, he seems to have issues with lying about his wife and the whole sister thing.  He just can't seem to trust God to protect Him when push comes to shove.  Pages later I watch as he lays it all on the altar.  Literally.  His lifeblood...an entire generation promised by God, and He is fully prepared to sacrifice it all.

One day He trusts God and the next day he waffles.

Just like me.

There is a heap of life to trust God with right now for me.  And that doesn't mean its all burdensome.  Not at all.  But it does all grab my soul at every place imaginable and I can either worry or lament or control or question or...trust.

Trust.

God is calling me to trust.  In the words of Larry Crabb, God says, "I am worthy of your trust no matter what happens in your life.  I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion.  You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."

And so I live in that tension.

"Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see 
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak. 




 

Sunday Sunrise

"No longer will you have the sun for light by day,
Nor for brightness will the moon give you light;
But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light,
And your God for your glory.
Your sun will set no more,
Neither will your moon wane,
For you will have the Lord for an everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning will be finished.
Then all your people will be righteous;
They will possess the land forever,
The branch of My planting,
The work of My hands,
That I may be glorified.
The smallest one will become a clan,
And the least one a mighty nation.
I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time."
--Isaiah 60:19-22

Saturday Sunrise...Somewhere

"O Lord, our Lord,
How majestic is Thy name in all the earth..."
--Psalms 8:1

Friday Sunrise

 

For the Lord God is a sun and shield:

The Lord gives grace and glory;

No good thing does He withhold from those

who walk uprightly.

--Psalms 84:11 

Thursday Sunrise

"As for me, I shall behold Thy face in righteousness;
I will be satisfied with Thy likeness when I awake."
Psalms 17:15

*********************************************************************************

Whether it be a sunrise or sunset, they promote the same sense of awe in me.  It's that moment that calls me to stop, as brief as it may be, and be taken in by Greatness.

The time spent listening, during these days of Lent, have increased my awareness of this Creator God who paints the skies morning and night. 

A previous spiritual director, Nita, once said to me, "Leave the Creator to be the Creator and me to be the limited creature that I am."  Those powerful words highlight my smallness.  How necessary it is for me to recognize my place in the Universe and conversely, to uphold His place. 

This continuation of the discipline of listening is revealing the ways in which my heart is in need of a single focus.  God. 

In Exodus 19:4 God says to His people, "...I bore you on eagle's wings and brought you to myself."  This is God reminding the Israelites of His dramatic rescue from the Egyptians.  I believe God still longs to rescue us from that which enslaves us.  His words here in Exodus reveal the lover's heart of God.  How beautiful are His intimate ways of bringing us to Himself.  And in these days of Lent I hear my lover God calling me to Himself.  Calling me to surrender agendas and self and fear to Him. 

Increasingly I am yielding the places He highlights in the darker corners of my soul.

Wednesday Sunrise

"From the rising of the sun to its setting
The name of the Lord is to be praised."
--Psalms 112:3

Tuesday Sunrise

"When I awake, I am still with Thee."  Psalms 139:18b

A Week of Sunrise--Monday

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Thy faithfulness."
--Lamentations 3:22,23

Slowly

The days are slowly improving.  Sigh.  They always do, but it doesn't make the interim any easier to endure. 

I have given myself "permission" to take care of me which requires saying "no" to anything extra and giving my empty tank time to be filled.  It does appear to be a cycle for me...this emptying and coming unglued "thing" followed by the quieter days of refilling. 

I question if this is my fault.   Perhaps I am not attentive enough to the gauge running close to empty.  I suppose I could try and analyze it all, but I don't know that it is a wise use of my energy.  It is what it is. 

Last evening I read Colossians 2:10 for the 100th time I think.

"In Him you have been made complete." 

I crave the living, breathing reality of these words. 

To live without the yardstick to measure up my life.

To live knowing that the "enough" is covered by Him.

To live content with who I am as a fallible human.

This is my prayer.

Listening in Lent Day 13

When I began this practice of listening I struggled to set aside the time.  Now, almost two weeks into Lent, it is becoming life-giving.

The days have been challenging for me emotionally.  In times likes these I am always finding myself wanting for God's peace and rest and hope.  And so I press into Him in a desperate search for relief.  But it is not always to be found.  Often it is a refocusing that He asks of me.

Several years ago I read a book aptly titled , "Being Well When You're Ill" by Marva J. Dawn.  It was timely for me then, and is again as I read some of the quotes I penned in a journal during that period of shadows.
 
Marva proposes:

"Instead of asking 'why'? we need to ask different questions.  

'What?' and 'Where'?

'What is God doing in the midst of this?' 

'Where do I catch glimpses of the Trinity's grace?'

'Rather than leaning upon our own abilities to figure out a meaning for ourselves, could we humbly learn to rest in the love that the Trinity pours into us?'"

Reading her words spurred me to write out my heart's responses revealing glimpses of the Trinity's grace.

For today those glimpses are enough.

Enough

"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
and all I have in You is more than enough."
--Chris Tomlin
"Enough"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW-toYBiF8o 

Enough?

I'm tired as I punch the keys of my computer.  Tired physically and emotionally and spiritually.  I am tired of living in this threesome fatigue.  I look at others(the comparison game is one of my most compulsive sins) and see what they are able to accomplish within their busy and sometimes chaotic lives, and I am mystified why I am seemingly unable to cope with my itty bitty life.

I am a stay-at-home Mom with one already having left the nest and a 16 year old in school all day.  I figure I should have a feast of hours in my days/week in order to keep the plates spinning.  But I am always feeling like what I do is never enough.  Like I just can't keep up.

Last evening the turmoil within was suffocating.  My mind would flit from one "I should do this" to another"I should be doing that"  I am just so tired of this internal war that I fight so often.  Why can't there be a cease-fire in my brain????  Tonight the same fight is on.

It seems as though for a period of time I experience relative calm in my inner life and the other half of the time I spend arguing with the voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. 
I don't work hard enough,
do enough,
pray enough,
have faith enough,
be strong enough...

And I am just so tired of fighting the "not enough lies".  Because they are lies. 

Aren't they?

But that is part of the problem.  I struggle to discern the lies from the truth.  I look at the life of Jesus and long for a life that is so beautifully purposed and sure.  When faced with the needs of people he knows exactly how to respond.  Sometimes the needs are met immediately, sometimes he waits for days, when humanly speaking all hope is lost.  Clearly, Jesus did not meet everyone's needs...not even close.  And because He was the God-man He knew what was "enough".  One never hears Jesus saying, "I wonder if I should touch this person's pain?"  or, "I wonder if it's okay for me to say 'no' and take care of my own body and soul?"  When He was tired He went to sleep...even when the storm was raging.  When He needed to be alone with His Father, He went off by Himself to a quiet place.

But I truly don't know when or if I have done "enough".  And as much as I ask Him I just don't get a response that details how or when or if I should respond.

And I have no clue how or if I can ever get to a place of peace with all the "enoughs".

Except that tonight I have written enough. 

It's time go to crawl up under some blankets with my Bible and a journal and just be with Him as I am.