Reminiscing

Finally!!! I have been waiting all winter...for winter. And what a breathtaking landscape she has so lavishly provided. (I recognize that some of you may not agree)
It is true...we are soon to trek into March, but the way I see it--if it's going to be cold enough that  I need to wear a coat and mittens, there might as well be snow to go with it. I find it much more appealing than dormant grass, shrubs and trees.  I confess to also wanting to capture some winter wonderland pictures. My porch is covered in snow...and I am just loving it.  

I've also been doing some reminiscing.  I am knee deep in memories of my childhood winters.  Literally.  On a particular day this past week,  my daughter asked me  if it was a snow day.  Trying hard not to guffaw, I responded, "Ashley, you don't know what a REAL snow day is!!"

I remember...one year having two weeks straight of snow days..  I would wake up in the morning, hear the wind howling and see the snow flying, and roll over with the covers tight around me  (Of course I'm not sure that my stepmom enjoyed this as much as her six kids did!!  She was quite the trooper.  I anticipated those times when she sat with my sisters and I, at the family room table coloring in my Barbie doll coloring book.  She was an expert...never ANY smudges when she used pastels.  I loved it!)
I remember...driving slowly due to poor visibility, but not too slow, so as to be able to plow through the snowdrifts across the road.
I remember...worrying that my Dad would get disoriented and freeze to death walking from the barn to the house(which wasn't very far), because of blizzard conditions.  (Okay, I might have a slight tendency to the dramatic, but really, really...I couldn't see the barn!!!!!) 
I remember...outdoor skating rinks created by my Dad and attaching an old towel to the hose, to flood it in the evening.  Many a ruthless hockey game was played there with my brothers and sisters.
I remember...speeding down the barn hill on my red super-slider-snow-skiis.  Yikes!!  That's as close to Olympic competition that I got. :)
I remember... countless expertly established snowmen, dressed with old scarves and hats.
I remember...snow forts with an arsenal of snowballs lying in wait for an unsuspecting sibling, and later, six of us shedding wet snowsuits, and everything else winter.
I remember...my father driving, in unrelenting whiteouts, rolling down the window(notice I said rolling) so that he could at least watch the yellow line on the highway, enabling him to know if he was still on the right side of the road.  I didn't particularly enjoy these excursions.
I remember...eating snow...lots of it.  And contrary to all the health directives not to, I'm still alive and...mostly well.  ha,ha 
I remember...snow, snow and more snow. 
I remember... when winter was winter...all winter long. 

Oh nostalgia...how enjoyable you are!  Rest assured, I'm not begging those days back, but a substantial  dumping of snow every few weeks would be most welcome.  By me anyway.

I will revel in this beauty for as long as it lasts.

 

Some lists work and some don't

I'm a list person. Actually...I love lists. I love choosing funky, pretty, or fun list pads, and then jotting down on a fresh piece of paper, my list. Oh the abundance of lists in my home!! Grocery, "To Do", Shopping, E-mail, Card-making, Budget,Job lists for my kids(they love those!)etc.. Then comes the fun of stroking off the list, whatever it is that I've accomplished. I find an incredible sense of satisfaction comes from seeing my list taper off. And when I'm down to one or two items, I start a new list, because by then, my paper has far too many strokes through it, and a fresh start is required. I really do love lists!! They work well for me. I am a very detailed, organized, methodic person. To have developed this tool, is of great benefit.

But I am discovering that lists don't work for all areas of my life. If you've been following along on my blog, you will have noticed that there are various areas of my spirit that are needing some attention. A part of me recognizes the beauty of my spirit hearing God's Spirit whisper in my ear. I welcome His gentle invasion into my soul, and long to cooperate with His intentions. But I am in the early stages of having to change how I approach these works of my heart. Lists don't work for spiritual transformation. You probably knew that, and I think I did too...somewhere up there in the recesses of my brain. But it ends there. It's never traveled the 6 inches to my heart and taken up residence. Instead, I approach soul work, with a pen and floral list pad, only to find myself in the midst of battle territory. My list only serves to remind me that I have not accomplished what I set out to do. My pen has never put a line through a much sought after character trait, signifying it's completion. It discourages me and leaves me with tumultuous inner questions.


The problem?? Spiritual transformation is a process. Funk and Wagnall's Dictionary states that a process is "a forward movement, progressive or continuous proceeding; passage." My Roget's Thesaurus offers a kinship of words with similar meaning: "refine, grow, cultivate". Many of these words bring pictures to mind and invoke a common theme...time. Time does not appeal to my list-making mindset, yet there is a very real attraction for my heart. Granting myself time for God's transforming work is a much more gracious act than a list. Not only does it give God permission to be God in my life, I'm convinced that this allowance of time will be gratifying to my spirit, much more than a pen and paper.

Carl Arico, in "A Taste of Silence" provides this insight, "Transformation is the process of God's recreating our very selves...All the phases of transformation are not done through our strategies. They are done to us because we are open to remaining in the presence of God."

I remain...open in His presence.

To be or not to be....content

I am choosing to practice contentment. It's not something foreign to me. For many years now, it's been a practice of mine, but with the coming and going of "seasons" in my life, it receives varying measures of attention. The current season of my life is calling for a more focused attentiveness to this practice. I found it almost comical this morning...I'm sure God did even more so... that as the hours moved onward my thoughts became, "Couldn't we just save this contentment "thing" for another day...when it's a little bit easier?"

That is how we humans think, isn't it? Someday...when all my "i's are dotted and all my "t's" crossed, when my "ducks are all lined up in a row", THEN, I will practice contentment. But today???? You've got to be kidding. Sometime ago I came across this quote: "One of the hardest things to realize is that our someday is right now." (Author Unknown) That really resonated with me because I know that's how I think. The future holds my "someday". Call it what you will...age, maturity, wisdom...I have come to believe more and more, that my "someday is right now" It's not down the road.

So what does it mean for me to practice contentment? I don't believe it means that I have to love where I'm at. Authenticity is still a part of contentment. Nor does it mean that I don't have any goals, or that I've stopped striving to change what is in my control. But there's a good deal that's out of my control today. I have to wait for a new medication to start working in my body and it's not going to be overnight. My "to do" list for the day might not be accomplished. Am I going to brow-beat myself on my pillow tonight because of that, or accept the reality. I'd like to see super human progress in some other areas of my life. Who am I kidding????!!!!!!!! I don't have any of Super Woman's genes in my body....it ain't going to happen!!! Oh, and I'd really love to be able to serenely manoeuver through all of the above. Not likely! That would be why my pastor yesterday referred to it as a grace practice. I am given an abundance of "do-overs". Thank goodness. Because I know from experience, that contentment takes a lot of practice. To be content requires me to focus on the good instead of instinctivly defaulting to what's less than ideal. It means I am grateful for attentive doctors, OHIP and drug plans. It calls me to work through my character flaws gently instead of loading on shame. Practicing contentment opens my eyes to the strength I do have and allows me to accept my limitations graciously.

I know Someone who doesn't need convincing of the above. God does not just demonstrate grace to me...He is grace.
Oh to practice contentment with the same spirit of grace for myself, that God so lavishly pours over me!

To be or not to be...content. That is the question. I know what I want to be.

One Day At A Time

An excerpt from my journal this morning:

"Father, I need You so much. I feel betrayed by my body and mind. The fight to stay positive...strong...seems never ending, and tires me in and of itself. Sometimes I just want to collapse under the pressure and just let me 'be'. Let me be empty, let me complain, let me be angry and curse, let me rant, let me cry...gosh, my body won't even allow me to cry. The sobbing is holed up somewhere; God knows where! Let me quit...just for a little while. That's what I do every night when my head hits the pillow. I quit. No more struggle, no more fighting, no more trying; I am done for the day. I've made it through. Blessed sleep gives me the much desired gift of quitting."

As I continued my time with God, I read the invocation to the Lent devotional I have embarked on. It reads like this: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14. So much for quitting!!!!!! This verse sort of flies in the face of what I want to do--cave under the pressure. But it does allow me to just "be". Waiting for God has a "being" element. There is nothing I can do to make God hurry up and do whatever it is I think He should be doing. He has His own pace. And in a weird, mysterious sort of way, I find this restful; at least for today.

The "doing" part about being strong and filling my heart with courage is what I call soul work.. It involves immersing myself in God...His character...and meditating on His life-giving Words. It's a choice. I wish it were more simple than that. But walking with God is not about sitting back and being spoon-fed. This relationship I committed myself to 32 years ago is not for the faint of heart.
It calls me to wake up every day and choose to persist, endure, press on. Or not. Some days I forge ahead with bold passion. Other days, like today, I'm trudging...slowly, yes, but still deliberate.

That sometimes-obnoxious-cliche'sh-simply-spoken-phrase "one day at a time", is how I'm living today. It's a "have-to". It's all I can manage.

The closing verse in my devotional was timed perfect for me..."The Lord is the stronghold of my life..." Psalm 27:1

He is my stronghold.

A life-giving reminder of grace in this place.

Masks

I wear a mask. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. The doctor at the Sleep Clinic highly recommended CPAP(Continuous Positive Air Pressure) Therapy. The mask covers my nose and is held in place by a harness-type contraption that adjusts with velcro straps at the back of my head. A heated air-hose attached at one end to my mask, and the other end to a machine, delivers constant air flow while I sleep. I shed a few tears the first night I donned the mask and climbed into bed beside my husband. I mean really...how romantic can it be for my husband to now be sleeping beside Darth Vader!!!!! (My son's nickname for me) My concern/vanity however, was quickly dismissed when I woke up the next morning, not being able to EVER remember sleeping that well. It took several months for my sleep deprived body to be rejuvenated, but I have not looked back since that first night. The benefits of wearing this mask provide me with what is known as "a good night's sleep" and the wonder of feeling refreshed. My husband happens to appreciate the fact that I don't stop breathing during the night anymore either :)

From time to time I wear other masks as well. They're not obvious to the average person. Recently, I became aware of one of these disguises...again. It's my subtle way of being, of interacting, of presenting myself. And I've worn it for so long and it's such a part of me, that quite often I'm not even aware I've got it on. Why do I wear it? Out of fear, lack of confidence, etc. I naively decide that it protects me...keeps me safe, and in my comfort zone. Which it does, to a certain degree, but yet I'm not truly comfortable wearing this mask, because I know it's not fully me. It hides a deeper part of who I am. And although it does provide protection, safety...it's not beneficial to me as a person. I end up suffering in silence, alone, underneath the disguise.

I know that's not what God longs for, for me. Psalm 51:6 tells me that God "desires truth in the innermost being". Those words are a comfort and a challenge to me. God desires my honesty. Deep down, nitty gritty, gut-wrenching honesty. That is just like God. No half measures will do. God wants all of me.

Thankfully, He also knows all of me. "...He Himself knows our frame(what we are made of); He is mindful that we are but dust." Psalm 103:14 Whew!!! My propensity for mask-wearing does not surprise Him! He is fully aware of what makes up the person that is Juanita. I hold on to truths like these. I need them to bring comfort, healing and challenge for my soul.

I've expressed my "innermost being" to someone who is investing a great deal of time and energy into my life right now. I needed to. The alternative was to keep up the facade and not grow. Which is soooooo NOT what I want. My heart's desire is to flourish. I know that with guidance and patience and wisdom from my "investor", that will happen.

Taking off masks is not a simple one-time effort. It's long, painstaking soul-work. But its benefits will prove to be life-giving.

Just like Darth Vader.

Our 15 Minute Family Day Event

I thought it was a fun idea. Spend some meaningful time as a family at an outdoor skating rink. The excitement was nearly bursting out of our kids as we arrived. NOT!!!!!!! The "enthusiasim" continued as we laced up our skates. Enter our first challenge. My hubby's borrowed skates were too small. But, being the trooper that he is, he continued to lace up and sport a great attitude. Within minutes we were joining other families already gliding along the ice surface. Enter challenge #2. The particular movement required for skating starting to affect my right side after about...oh...the first lap around. Enter challenge #3. A certain family member who shall remain nameless, consistently expressed her feelings about our lovely family excursion:
--"it's so cold"
--"there's too many people here"
--"it's so cold"
--"I hate skating with so many people"
You get the picture. Oh...one more..."it's more fun with friends."
Cam seemed to be the only one enjoying the great outdoors. After about 15 minutes(Cam said it was 10), Brian and I decided to end our Olympic debut. His toes were so squished he may never walk again. And well, I can feel the effects of our "fun" all the way from my neck to my foot. The nameless individual was quite happy to call it quits. Cam felt it was a most pathetic attempt at a family event.

Somehow, I'm getting blamed for most of this. Not sure how that happens. Oh well...you win some, you lose some. Right? We've arrived home to it's welcomed warmth and comfort, and the hot chocolate I made as a peace offering was gratefully received by my children.

Perhaps we'll stick to the Olympics and supper hour for the rest of the day.

It's My Birthday!!!!!!

It's my birthday!!!!!! There is a certain way to announce this. I learned it from a dear friend of mine, who likes to announce this ALL DAY LONG, when her day comes around. How do I know this? Because I spent her special day with her several years ago. You would be amazed at how many times and ways you can fit this little phrase into a conversation. It's important to note that you have to say it a certain way...think of a five year old waking up the morning of their birthday, and can HARDLY wait for the festivities to begin. Now multiply that by, well, a lot. (P.S. If you tell store clerks, you might be fortunate enough to get something extra placed in with your purchase.) Okay...enough about my friend...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! ha,ha

Gertrude Stein says this: "We are always the same age inside." I think she's bang on. My birth certificate tells me I'm now 45, and although some days I may feel like that, on the inside, I don't. I'm not exactly sure what age I "feel" like...probably closer to a teenager...those years when you become more self aware, and are trying to figure out life and who you are and how both fit together. Oh sure, I've learned an awful lot about myself over the years. I've grown as a person in deep ways. I've discovered much about life...what it is and what it isn't. But there are still surprises. Regularly. I don't react to something the way I thought I would. Or I'm lambasted by a circumstance in life. And I find myself feeling like, well, young...really young again, trying to make my way through the maze I started in many years ago.

But I am older.

Last evening my husband took me out to eat at the same restaurant where we shared our first date almost 20 years ago. It felt surreal to us...all that has taken place in those years. All the "for better and for worse" stuff. We reminisced about the past and dreamt about the future God might have for us. I love "doing" life with this amazing man.

Today, was a gift. For the most part, I felt comfortable in my own skin; enjoying a peaceful sense of well-being. Days like this aren't common, so I bask in it when they do. My friends showered me with gracious love and kindnesses. I had a brief afternoon nap. My kids and hubby spoiled me with handmade cards(yep...that's my kids!!) and "juanita-style" gifts. Okay, so it might have something to do with my Card Making Studio. Which means some of you will benefit from my birthday. How cool is that!!!

This evening is relaxing. The kids are gone to a concert and Brian and I are watching the Olympics. We just got a bronze in Speedskating!!! Awesome!! I suppose I should get up off my duff and tidy up supper dishes, and find a home for my lovely cards and gifts.

It's my birthday!!!! For a few more hours.

In Celebration of "The Sisterhood"

Five women
Twenty-four years of friendships forged deep

Celebrating joys, marking moments,
creating memories, enjoying life

Arms and hearts intertwined through
unwelcome change, gripping fear, endless dark...
journeying through the worst of the worst...together

Fervent prayers, blinding tears, raucous laughter,
warm embraces, giving hands, tireless caring,
patient spirits, binding faith

A grateful heart
for this treasured bond we call
"The Sisterhood"
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I celebrate each of you, my "sisters"
I give thanks for "us"...
Love, Juanita

Solitude and Prayer

Several weeks ago I had set today aside as a "day" for solitude and prayer. I haven't done this for awhile and the closer I got to today, I knew it was time. There was an area in my life where I needed direction, another area where I knew I needed to keep my heart focused, and there was Haiti,and others to pray for,etc. So I came to today with a spirit of anticipation

But this morning, there was an added element. I woke up and wasn't doing well emotionally. I felt this nebulous anxiety coupled with just being overwhelmed with life. Ugh.

Regardless, I pressed into my time with God desiring to just worship Him. About half an hour later, I could sense there was something not right. And so I began to write in my journal just telling God how I was feeling. And then I asked God this question: "Do you have something You want to say to me?" Now, I've never had God speak to me in an audible voice, but He does "speak" to me...often. This time His words were clear and gentle and quite beautiful. I heard Him say that He wanted to take me under His wings and care for ME today. I was to set aside all those people and situations I felt I NEEDED TO CARE FOR -- and leave them with Him. I just loved hearing that, because it was just one of those days, where I needed someone to take care of me. Have you ever felt like that? Just wishing someone would take care of "your world" for awhile. But I'm 44 years old...I'm a grown woman....I think I'm pretty much fresh out of luck for that one.

Unless of course...God offers. My "plans" for the day changed, because my Creator wanted to take care of me!!! The more I let this sink in, the more wild and amazing it was. I had a few moments where I could literally feel the tension ease.

"Hide me in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 17:8 This was just one of several verses I chose to meditate on. As I began going over the words, I was taken back to my younger days of playing Hide and Seek. Remember? If you were part of the group hiding, the goal was always to find the best possible hiding place. And if you found a really good one, well, you stayed there!

I knew I had the absolute best hiding place.

I would love to tell you that I stayed there all day...that it was peaceful and restful and safe. But it wasn't quite like that. Too often I would find my mind wandering to the work that awaited me, or the person for whom I should be praying. Thankfully, this was not like the childhood "Hide and Seek" game. It's not a game to God. It's who He is...my Hiding Place, and He will always welcome me back, no matter how many times my control issues pull me away.

I wanted so desperately to experience peace, to come away feeling rested. But that didn't happen for me either. The emotions I woke up with stayed with me. But I read incredible truths from scripture and developed new pictures of who God longs to be for me. The day did not turn out as I had planned, but something tells me it was exactly as God had planned. He sat with me through a hard day, speaking quiet words to my soul.

"God...thankyou for welcoming me into Your hiding place today. I needed to be there."

Places Where Grace Is

We all experience them. And while our lives may be free of them from time to time, sooner or later, we find ourselves up against them again. Sometimes they occur slowly, subtly. Other times, we are knocked off our feet, left gasping for breath, and searching for a way of escape.

We call them by different names...trials, hard times, crisis, pain, struggles, nightmares. We probably have as many names for them, as we do experiences. I've experienced my fair, or unfair share, depending on how I look at it. And I have countless family and friends who have shared to varying degrees, theirs' with me.

It's universal. Which is why I think the lyrics and music of this song, have so captured my spirit. "Unredeemed" is a powerful song by the group Selah. The words read like this:

"The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all...

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed."

I could barely breathe when I first heard this song. There was this rush of memories of person after person who has felt "life break and fall apart". At the same time my own flood of emotions held me in its grip. I was remembering my own "endless dark" and "burning tears". To have believed that these were "places where grace is", seemed a complete impossibility. My pain redeemed?????? The pitch black prevented me from ever believing such a promise.

Today,there are still the shadows to contend with...we all still live "in the shadow of the fall", and to say that all has been fulfilled or restored would not be a true reflection of my soul. But I have watched in awe at the grace in these places. And because I never believed I would EVER see any calculable degree of redemption, it is that much more beautiful...holy.

To see SOME meaning, to have grasped GLIMPSES of purpose from the agony, this has gone a long way to clothing my once-naked soul. I know that one day it will ALL be redeemed. That glory will be blinding. For now, I will keep looking in the places of my life...where grace is.