Overwhelmed

Elohim

God my Creator

Master Designer

of every intricate part of my being

Perfect in forming

 the very essence of who I am

and 

who I'm not

And yet I

lament

and 

complain

and

wish

and

want

a different me

a 

me without defects

and

 limitations

and

disabilities

because I fail to remember

and 

believe

and

trust

You, my Creator's Words--

"and it was very good"

El Elyon

God most High

Sovereign over all

over life

and

death

and

health

and 

sickness

and 

governments

and nations

Sovereign over all

And yet I

doubt

and

question

and 

blame

and

wonder

"WHAT...

in the name of God 

are You doing"??!!

because I 

am so earthly minded

and

self-focused

and 

faithless

in

You,

God Most High

Sovereign over all 

"Elohim, my Creator, Perfect Designer...

I'm overwhelmed

with 

You --

Bring me to that place of contentment

in who I am...

El Elyon, my God Most High, Sovereign over all...

I'm overwhelmed,

overwhelmed 

with

You

Lead me to that place of contentment

amidst all of the circumstances of life."

Rant

It"s been simmering under the surface for a time

Last night it erupted

At first it was just this overwhelming anxiety

about Christmas

and my "list".

And I started asking--

"What if I DON"T make Christmas cards this year?"

"What if I downsize decorating?"

"What if I forgo the 'extra' gifting?"

"How about gift cards for all except my family?"

etc,etc.

But it didn't stop there...

Within minutes I was heaving sobs

as one after another

of life's responsibilities struck me

with intensity

Working out at the gym,

daily exercise to strengthen my lower back,

my neverending healthy eating regimen,

laundry and meals and cleaning and errands

and just getting out of bed every morning

to do the same thing

over

and 

over

and

over

again

I've decided I want a holiday from being a grown-up!!!!!

Adding to this spewing of emotion

was all of the areas of 

remembering

and 

giving

and 

encouraging

and caring

which are most often

life-giving for me

but perhaps not today...

or 

maybe even tomorrow

I'm feeling very much like the writer Solomon

in Ecclesiastes 

as he talks about

the futility of labor...

the futility of life!!

My spirit is being drawn to Chapter 3

where he talks about

"a time for everything".

And I'm wondering if I'm moving into a new season

for a time--

Instead of planting, is it a time to uproot what is planted? 

Is it a time to throw away instead of keep?

A time to tear apart, and not sew together? 

I'm wondering....

But there is one thing I'm not wondering...

"It is well...with me"

 

 

"What shall I render to the Lord

for all of His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12