Latch on to Me

Nursing my children was one of the most beautiful parts of my early days of motherhood.  Not that it
came naturally for my loves and I.  It took time for this art to be established.  But it was time that was more than worth the effort and patience put into it.

With my son, it became clear that it was more than just nourishment he needed. He was not the happiest of babes.  I always said that Cam didn't like being a baby; the more mobile he got, the happier he became.
But in those early months, he seemed to just need to be close to me.  Countless times my husband, with crying son in arms would hand  him to me and say, "He wants you.".  To which I would reply, "But I just fed him!"  I would then take this screaming baby in my arms and move to the couch to nurse.  Even though I knew what he needed, he would often continue his protest making it difficult for him to latch on. Eventually, his heaving little body slowed to a calmer place.  Yet at times, out of nowhere, he seemed to remember that which had previously upset him so, and would cry out.  And I would pull him close to my breast and gently speak, "It's okay...you're ok....shhhhh.".  I knew that as long as he remained latched on to me, he would be peaceful.  I could provide all that he needed in that moment.

El Shaddai, one of the names given to God means, "All Sufficient One". 

I remember being fascinated as I listened to my spiritual director teach on the fuller meaning of this  

All Sufficient One.  

She explained  El Shaddai  as being the most feminine name for God.   

"shad" refers to a woman's breast with the idea of power and blessing and bounty pouring forth.  A baby, as we know, needs to be at his mother's breast--it's a place of safety, provision, sustenance.  

El Shaddai provides moment by moment.  

El Shaddai pours forth or sheds forth provision.  

God is like a breastfeeding mother.  

He loves in a way no other can.  

It is as though He is pleading, 

 "Press into Me and you will be fine."  

"Snuggle into me and circumstances will become almost inconsequential" 

This morning I saw myself...a daughter of God and one who so desperately needs my El Shaddai.  But too often I worry myself into a state or seek comfort in other ways, when all the while God is waiting for me to latch on to Him.  And though I may drink in His provision one moment, I find that very quickly life can change and I pull away, overcome with fear or pain or confusion; crying out once again.  But He too is patient and speaks soothingly to His beloved child...

 

"Latch on to Me...

Snuggle into Me"

This morning I journeyed through the day in my mind, aware that  in the increments of the next 24 hours, I needed only to latch on to Him and I would be safe.  

All I could possibly need would be supplied by my El Shaddai.

 

The Resting Place

The Dance

 "I'm overwhelmed.

My biggest downfall is my brightest blessing,

I feel too much,

all the time.

Ya God,

if it's keep my heart soft,

break my heart every day."

--Author Unknown

Every once and awhile I enjoy the freedom of being me.  I want to be careful not to sound like life is

a constant struggle of being unable to appreciate who God created me to be.  But to enjoy the freedom of

who I am seems another level for me.  Especially when it comes to the crazy world of emotions.  

As the above quote says, "I feel too much, all the time...".  Oh yes!!!  This is me, and although there is a gift in being so fully aware emotionally,  there is also this crushing weight which overwhelms me.  Very little escapes my eyes.  I don't even need to talk with you to know if you are hurting.  If you wear your emotions on your sleeve I only need see you out of the corner of my eye and feel the pain spill all over me.  All of my conversations contain an energy of focus that tires me.  And it's not even a matter of consciously seeking to be attentive; it's just there.  It's like breathing; it's so much a part of who I am.  I can never just walk away and leave you and your pain.  I am left with the residue of heartache or difficulty you have shared with me.  

That God in His wisdom gifted me with gifts of mercy and encouragement and helps is doubtfully not an accident.  But really now...  I wonder if He somehow got distracted when He knit me together in my mother's womb and overdosed on the feeling part!!  

And so I live this cycle of strength and weakness it seems.  I spend too much time with the hurting

and I myself start hurting.  So I pull back and rest until I'm ready to reach out again. And round the cycle goes.  

But I've never like this word "cycle".  I hear a negative connotation when I refer to it as such.  

I'm wondering if it isn't more like a dance.

There's a beauty to this dance of mine.  I come to the dance floor with God and I move with His grace into the dance with you.  I ease into step with you whose feet are tired and aching and together we move through the moments.  Eventually, the dance slows and we part.  By now, I too walk with weary feet.  And I need to sit out the next dance or two til He strengthens me again.  And I'm starting to think that this is ok.  This is who I am.  Yes, there is a broken way of living in me, I know this all too well. " God knows my frame; He knows what I am made of." (Psalm 103:14)  This too is freeing.  

To dance with all of who I am is a joy for me. I love to give myself to you.  And yet to sit out a dance or two should not be failure, but rather a necessary and beautiful time of renewal.  No one can dance forever, and though I may need more rest than another, does not place me as "less than".  Instead it highlights my Creator who made each of us unique.

Today I'm sitting out the dance.

 

The Resting Place

"We rest on on Thee our Shield and our Defender

We go not forth alone against the foe

Strong in Thy strength; safe in Thy keeping tender

We rest on Thee and in Thy name we go."

The Resting Place

 

Inspired by a dear friend and fellow blogger, and with the creative desire to bring something fresh to this blog I am adding a new feature entitled "The Resting Place".  I plan to publish it on Saturday's.

It is no surprise that our days are often busier than we would like, more challenging than we had planned, or painful, confusing, wearying,etc.  Typically, we think of the weekend as a time to unwind, rest, and experience renewal.  I'm not sure this has been accomplished by Monday morning, but we do desire this.  As Christ followers, we are commanded to set an entire day aside for rest. Clearly, our Creator knew how desperately we would need this.

"The Resting Place" is designed to provide a moment or two of reflection, whether it be visual or literal. My prayer is that this place will be a blessing to many and perhaps even move you to set aside times for deeper rest and refreshment.

Of Onions and Layers

"Solitude eventually offers a quiet gift of grace,

a gift that comes whenever we are able to face ourselves honestly;

the gift of acceptance,

of compassion,

for who we are

as we are."

--Parker Palmer

I love onions...especially red onions.  And because I am also a connoisseur of salads, I add a plentiful amount of onion to be enjoyed, at least by me!  Onions are one of those vegetables with layers of skin to be peeled back.  It's almost a race for me to see if I can peel it, slice and chop it before it makes me cry. I never seem to win this race and instead find myself dashing to another room to give my eyes a chance to stop the stinging tears.

The journey to the deeper places of my soul has layers also.  Being a perfectionist, I'm always naively hopeful that this will be the last one.  That now that God and I have unmasked another face of my false self, I will truly be free to live as God created me to live; with freedom and joy.  But this is just not my reality.  Much to my dismay, eventually another layer is noticed and I begin the process all over again.  And often, there are tears, laments, discouragement.

This time I find myself responding in the way that Parker Palmer offers--with
"the gift of acceptance, of

compassion, for who we are as we are."   

This is truly a gift and one only made possible because I sense more and more that this is how God responds to me.  Not that He accepts my sinful ways, but He is fully aware that I am inherently sinful.  It is only His grace that affords me a hope of transformation and one day wholeness.  Sitting in His presence with my self laid bare is becoming a safe and restful and freeing place to be.  I can name the layer that has just been exposed and know that this is not a surprise to Him; rather, He has been patiently waiting for me to be quiet long enough to recognize it and allow Him to peel back yet another layer.

I've been spending time the last couple of days  in Psalm 139.  I have always loved that I am never beyond the eyes of God, the presence of God, the care of God.  What I noticed with new eyes was this--

God is"...intimately acquainted with all my ways."

Psalm 139:3b

All my ways...all the ways I try to manage my image...all the ways I try to defend what I do or don't do...all the ways I try to measure up and please others, and God.  All my ways.  He is intimately acquainted with them.  His intimate knowing of me brings rest for my soul.  He knows me as I am and in that knowing I am experiencing a love and a grace to continue the journey of self-discovery, of healing, or transformation.