Christmas

It's been a Christmas unlike any other which I suppose is obvious since there has never been a Christmas exactly like another.  But this year has had so much that has been unique, difficult and not what I had planned.  Throw into this mix the seemingly unavoidable expectations that I have had and I'm left with a Christmas that I still don't totally understand or feel at ease with how it has and continues to unfold.

My seasonal decorating began late and my desire to create and mail Christmas cards this year drifted into the background.  My oven never did give off the aroma of Christmas baking. And though I had very few gifts to purchase this year, even what was on my list felt overwhelming.  

A woman battling cancer who joined my small group in the fall began to decline much faster than any of us expected.  Her daughter-in-law, also in my small group seemed to gravitate towards my expressions of care or perhaps it was me who gravitated towards their painful journey.  Regardless, the heartache of this family weighed heavily on me, culminating in Will passing away early afternoon on Christmas Eve. 

My anticipation of Ashley coming home from university for 3 weeks was high.  I envisioned our airport arms-enfolding-hugs and hours of alone time with my girl but it was only the airport that  met my expectations.  My spiritual director warned me of this..."Let go of expectations Juanita", she said, but how does one really do that anyway????  Both she and I expected that friendships would be difficult to reengage in.  After all, everyone has gone on with their lives just as she has.  But surprisingly she has had very few spare moments and has been enjoying life with old friends.  And I am truly happy for her....I am.  And we've both realized that "home" and "Mom and Dad" are home base, a safe place and familiar. We are not going anywhere.  Her friends, on the other hand, have changing lives, and who will still be around next Christmas is unknown.  We both feel a little like this 3 week homecoming has been a bit of a tease.  In some ways it has been harder to have her here than not.  With one week to go before she hops on a plane again, we feel somewhat in limbo again.  The goodbye isn't here, but it's so close.  We have some planned mother/daughter time over the next few days which we are both looking forward to.  And the rest of the holiday?  I guess we will just feel our way as we go. 

Our family Christmas hasn't even happened yet, which has been another strange aspect of Christmas.  Cam and Sonya have been in Ecuador since Dec. 16 being life-size Christmas gifts for her sister who lives there.  I am so happy for all them; an adventure for Cam and Sonya and a family Christmas for Jess.  But it has been strange to not have my all children with us for at least part of Christmas day.  I had thought I had planned for this "strangeness".  I think I did.  But one can't plan for how it ends up feeling in the end.

I've walked through many a Christmas season with less than optimum emotional health and though I've been in much harder places in season's past, I've struggled and I expect that all of the above has either
added to how I am processing life or the experiences of this particular season have challenged my emotional stability.  Does it really matter what causes what? 

So what does one do with so many unmet expectations?  How do I navigate that which I don't totally understand myself?  For a time, the heavens have seemed silent.  Even in the quietness of Advent readings and prayer, clarity was absent.  Until two days before Christmas, when I came across these words by Ann Voskamp.

"God always gives God.  

Hush away the hurry, the worry.

We can always have as much of God

as we want."

And there it was...simple, powerful, gentle.  I can have as much of God as I want.  There is so much else this season where it is not what I have wanted or expected or been enough, but I can always have as much of God as I want.

Such a transforming perspective.  Such an invitation to live fully in the midst of empty places.  Such a calling to usher in a new year with.

We can always have as much of God as we want.

The Resting Place

"We will soon celebrate what God is about through this Son made flesh,

who though clothed in vulnerability and weakness 

bears all that is great and good.

We are vulnerable and weak ourselves,

but the riches of the Father

are made ours through this child, the Son.

And we are humbled."

--Kae Evensen

"Advent Reflections

Making All Things New"

The Resting Place

"I will fight for you; you need only to be still.

I know how weary you are, My child.

You have been struggling just to keep your head above water,

and your strength is running low.

Now is the time for you to stop striving and let Me fight for you.

I know this is not easy for you to do.

You feel as if you must keep striving in order to survive,

but I am calling you to rest in Me.

I am working on your behalf;

so be still,

and know that I am God.

--Sarah Young

"Jesus Today"

The Resting Place

Rest is far more than an afternoon nap

or a good night's sleep

Rest is a quiet evening with a captivating book

but still so much more

Even a "resting place" is only a place

unless 

there is a rest within

I've spent the past couple of weeks with a

spirit that has felt anything but restful

and though there are many contributing factors

two truths have awakened me yet again--

I will be at rest when I am content with who I am 

and

I will live in the quiet of rest when I am

detached from outcomes

and attached to Jesus 

Pursuing rest with Him

The Resting Place

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it..."

Isaiah 30:15,16

Latch on to Me

Nursing my children was one of the most beautiful parts of my early days of motherhood.  Not that it
came naturally for my loves and I.  It took time for this art to be established.  But it was time that was more than worth the effort and patience put into it.

With my son, it became clear that it was more than just nourishment he needed. He was not the happiest of babes.  I always said that Cam didn't like being a baby; the more mobile he got, the happier he became.
But in those early months, he seemed to just need to be close to me.  Countless times my husband, with crying son in arms would hand  him to me and say, "He wants you.".  To which I would reply, "But I just fed him!"  I would then take this screaming baby in my arms and move to the couch to nurse.  Even though I knew what he needed, he would often continue his protest making it difficult for him to latch on. Eventually, his heaving little body slowed to a calmer place.  Yet at times, out of nowhere, he seemed to remember that which had previously upset him so, and would cry out.  And I would pull him close to my breast and gently speak, "It's okay...you're ok....shhhhh.".  I knew that as long as he remained latched on to me, he would be peaceful.  I could provide all that he needed in that moment.

El Shaddai, one of the names given to God means, "All Sufficient One". 

I remember being fascinated as I listened to my spiritual director teach on the fuller meaning of this  

All Sufficient One.  

She explained  El Shaddai  as being the most feminine name for God.   

"shad" refers to a woman's breast with the idea of power and blessing and bounty pouring forth.  A baby, as we know, needs to be at his mother's breast--it's a place of safety, provision, sustenance.  

El Shaddai provides moment by moment.  

El Shaddai pours forth or sheds forth provision.  

God is like a breastfeeding mother.  

He loves in a way no other can.  

It is as though He is pleading, 

 "Press into Me and you will be fine."  

"Snuggle into me and circumstances will become almost inconsequential" 

This morning I saw myself...a daughter of God and one who so desperately needs my El Shaddai.  But too often I worry myself into a state or seek comfort in other ways, when all the while God is waiting for me to latch on to Him.  And though I may drink in His provision one moment, I find that very quickly life can change and I pull away, overcome with fear or pain or confusion; crying out once again.  But He too is patient and speaks soothingly to His beloved child...

 

"Latch on to Me...

Snuggle into Me"

This morning I journeyed through the day in my mind, aware that  in the increments of the next 24 hours, I needed only to latch on to Him and I would be safe.  

All I could possibly need would be supplied by my El Shaddai.

 

The Resting Place

The Dance

 "I'm overwhelmed.

My biggest downfall is my brightest blessing,

I feel too much,

all the time.

Ya God,

if it's keep my heart soft,

break my heart every day."

--Author Unknown

Every once and awhile I enjoy the freedom of being me.  I want to be careful not to sound like life is

a constant struggle of being unable to appreciate who God created me to be.  But to enjoy the freedom of

who I am seems another level for me.  Especially when it comes to the crazy world of emotions.  

As the above quote says, "I feel too much, all the time...".  Oh yes!!!  This is me, and although there is a gift in being so fully aware emotionally,  there is also this crushing weight which overwhelms me.  Very little escapes my eyes.  I don't even need to talk with you to know if you are hurting.  If you wear your emotions on your sleeve I only need see you out of the corner of my eye and feel the pain spill all over me.  All of my conversations contain an energy of focus that tires me.  And it's not even a matter of consciously seeking to be attentive; it's just there.  It's like breathing; it's so much a part of who I am.  I can never just walk away and leave you and your pain.  I am left with the residue of heartache or difficulty you have shared with me.  

That God in His wisdom gifted me with gifts of mercy and encouragement and helps is doubtfully not an accident.  But really now...  I wonder if He somehow got distracted when He knit me together in my mother's womb and overdosed on the feeling part!!  

And so I live this cycle of strength and weakness it seems.  I spend too much time with the hurting

and I myself start hurting.  So I pull back and rest until I'm ready to reach out again. And round the cycle goes.  

But I've never like this word "cycle".  I hear a negative connotation when I refer to it as such.  

I'm wondering if it isn't more like a dance.

There's a beauty to this dance of mine.  I come to the dance floor with God and I move with His grace into the dance with you.  I ease into step with you whose feet are tired and aching and together we move through the moments.  Eventually, the dance slows and we part.  By now, I too walk with weary feet.  And I need to sit out the next dance or two til He strengthens me again.  And I'm starting to think that this is ok.  This is who I am.  Yes, there is a broken way of living in me, I know this all too well. " God knows my frame; He knows what I am made of." (Psalm 103:14)  This too is freeing.  

To dance with all of who I am is a joy for me. I love to give myself to you.  And yet to sit out a dance or two should not be failure, but rather a necessary and beautiful time of renewal.  No one can dance forever, and though I may need more rest than another, does not place me as "less than".  Instead it highlights my Creator who made each of us unique.

Today I'm sitting out the dance.

 

The Resting Place

"We rest on on Thee our Shield and our Defender

We go not forth alone against the foe

Strong in Thy strength; safe in Thy keeping tender

We rest on Thee and in Thy name we go."

The Resting Place

 

Inspired by a dear friend and fellow blogger, and with the creative desire to bring something fresh to this blog I am adding a new feature entitled "The Resting Place".  I plan to publish it on Saturday's.

It is no surprise that our days are often busier than we would like, more challenging than we had planned, or painful, confusing, wearying,etc.  Typically, we think of the weekend as a time to unwind, rest, and experience renewal.  I'm not sure this has been accomplished by Monday morning, but we do desire this.  As Christ followers, we are commanded to set an entire day aside for rest. Clearly, our Creator knew how desperately we would need this.

"The Resting Place" is designed to provide a moment or two of reflection, whether it be visual or literal. My prayer is that this place will be a blessing to many and perhaps even move you to set aside times for deeper rest and refreshment.

Of Onions and Layers

"Solitude eventually offers a quiet gift of grace,

a gift that comes whenever we are able to face ourselves honestly;

the gift of acceptance,

of compassion,

for who we are

as we are."

--Parker Palmer

I love onions...especially red onions.  And because I am also a connoisseur of salads, I add a plentiful amount of onion to be enjoyed, at least by me!  Onions are one of those vegetables with layers of skin to be peeled back.  It's almost a race for me to see if I can peel it, slice and chop it before it makes me cry. I never seem to win this race and instead find myself dashing to another room to give my eyes a chance to stop the stinging tears.

The journey to the deeper places of my soul has layers also.  Being a perfectionist, I'm always naively hopeful that this will be the last one.  That now that God and I have unmasked another face of my false self, I will truly be free to live as God created me to live; with freedom and joy.  But this is just not my reality.  Much to my dismay, eventually another layer is noticed and I begin the process all over again.  And often, there are tears, laments, discouragement.

This time I find myself responding in the way that Parker Palmer offers--with
"the gift of acceptance, of

compassion, for who we are as we are."   

This is truly a gift and one only made possible because I sense more and more that this is how God responds to me.  Not that He accepts my sinful ways, but He is fully aware that I am inherently sinful.  It is only His grace that affords me a hope of transformation and one day wholeness.  Sitting in His presence with my self laid bare is becoming a safe and restful and freeing place to be.  I can name the layer that has just been exposed and know that this is not a surprise to Him; rather, He has been patiently waiting for me to be quiet long enough to recognize it and allow Him to peel back yet another layer.

I've been spending time the last couple of days  in Psalm 139.  I have always loved that I am never beyond the eyes of God, the presence of God, the care of God.  What I noticed with new eyes was this--

God is"...intimately acquainted with all my ways."

Psalm 139:3b

All my ways...all the ways I try to manage my image...all the ways I try to defend what I do or don't do...all the ways I try to measure up and please others, and God.  All my ways.  He is intimately acquainted with them.  His intimate knowing of me brings rest for my soul.  He knows me as I am and in that knowing I am experiencing a love and a grace to continue the journey of self-discovery, of healing, or transformation.

Who Am I?

Even as I sit to write in this moment, I find my mind as empty as the page before me.  Or perhaps it's that there is sooooo much that is swirling around that I can't quite slow it all down to put it into words.

A friend and fellow blogger was writing the other day about her silent pages over the past months, and her desire to change that has sort of tweaked my desire. 

It's not that my life is boring or devoid of anything exciting.  At least to me it's not that way!  On the contrary, these past months have been overflowing with change and wonder and joy.  One can't quite move a daughter to the other side of the country without life taking on a new face.  And maybe this is part of it.  Late spring and the entire summer seemed like a surreal kind of race to the finish line--the all encompassing move.  I never could get a grasp of the new reality that was ahead of me.  It seemed an impossibility for me to pursue a new way of living without my girl nearby.  But she's been gone now almost a month and reality is slowly sinking in yet not in the way I would have expected.  Her being gone and me being here seems so right and good.  Not that I don't miss her, because I do, but I know she's supposed to be where she is.  She has fallen in love with her new home, forged strong friendships already, and is living life with a sense of freedom and happiness and delight that she never has before.  She's thriving, and I have never seen her thrive!!!  I am over the top grateful for God's gracious favor to her.  How could I want her back here when "there" is so beautiful for her soul???!!!!

So where does that leave me?  I'm not totally sure...ha,ha.  It seems a contradiction to say that I am content with my life here and yet am not exactly sure of who I am at this point in time.  It's interesting how empty nesting has taken on a more succinct flavor with a few thousand miles between us.  Even though she hasn't lived at home for 2 years, she has lived in close proximity which mean a continued reliance on me in varying forms.  That option no longer exists.  I can't just run to bring her home for an appointment, or the night, or whatever.  The tangible nature of our relationship is close to nil and this gives to me a sense of freedom that is new and  yes, welcoming.  My mothering role has changed again and though I am not rebelling against this, I'm just not sure what it all means.  This morning I sat quietly with God asking Him this very question..."Who am I?"  And once all of the "noise" of my thoughts stilled I could hear Him say simply and clearly..."You are a daughter of God."  In Christian circles this is supposed to be a no brain er, but I find it's far too easy to attach titles and roles to ourselves and thus squelch our true, and only identity.  But this morning, that all seemed stripped away and I was "only" --"a daughter of God".  And I felt peace and contentment and a safety in these gentle words from Him.

It's all I need for today.

Only Him...

It's so not what I expected...not even close!

Four months ago when her acceptance came through to a university across the country I couldn't grasp the thought of letting her go.  And as the time sped by I was sure I would be close to the fetal position physically and emotionally by now. 

For twenty years I have poured my soul into this daughter of mine.  I have nurtured her and encouraged her and cheered her on.  I have given so much of myself to this uniquely and masterfully created human being.  My heart, I'm sure has scars from bearing the pain and heartache she has shared with me over the years.  I have walked alongside of her and loved her...to the moon and back and quite honestly miss her almost as soon as she walks out the door.  No part of me ever imagined living time zones apart!

And yet, my pouring into her was so that ultimately she could grow "away" from me.  Away from "needing" me to walk through life.  Away from needing me beyond what was healthy.  Away into a life of her own and into dreams and adventures and a place in life crafted just for her.

And now, with our goodbyes so close at hand, I am struck with amazement that I have a measure of calm and a spirit of excitement for all that lies ahead for her.  It's so not what I expected!!!  How could I possibly respond to a farewell that is so enormous with peace???!!!!

Only, if my heart is held and prepared by the One who knows me through and through.  

Only if I am seeking and pressing into the One who nurtures and encourages and cheers me on.  

Only if I and resting in "the God of angel armies who is always by my side".  

Only if I continue to run to Him who bids me, "Come to Me...."  for all that I need.

Only if I truly believe that "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

Only if I am convinced that my girl is safe within His strong arms.

Only this gracious, merciful God could possibly saturate me with His "peace beyond understanding" 

so that I can move through these last days with strength and grace.

"What shall I render to the LORD

for all of His benefits to me?"

Psalm 116:12 

Trust...Enjoy...

"Come to Me.
Come to Me with all of your hopes and dreams and fears for this next season of life.  Lay it all at My feet and leave it there.  Trust that My good is good for you also.  Trust in My transforming power for Ashley's life and your life.  Be at rest even now as this present season draws to a close.  Enjoy these full days of living in the in between.  I am still here.
Give robust thanks for the past two years.  It was My gift to both of you that you would live in close proximity.  Keep enjoying it!  Stretch out open hands to Me and trust My perfect giving to you and taking from you.  Breathe deeply of now.  Trust fully for then.  "Your times are in My hands."  Psalm 31:15
Come to Me.  Rest.  Trust.  Enjoy.  I am here.

Come to Me

"Come to Me.
Come to Me with the instability of your life.  It is always changing.  It was never my design for it to remain unchanged.  Rather, I have ordained a 'time for everything'--seasons.  Some of these seasons you will enjoy to the full and never wish for them to end.  Some you will struggle through and question...face insecurities and pain.  This is why your eyes need to be fixed on Me. I am your sure foundation.  You need to feast on My word daily and meditate on it throughout the hours.  I do not give you all the answers you would like to have, but I do give you what you need.  Trust that what you don't know is safely kept by Me for divine reasons--that which you could not understand.  Remember, I am God and you are not.
I love You with an everlasting love.
You are safe in Me and with Me."

Grace for Today

I remember those early days of her life, waking in the night to feed her.  She would invariably fall asleep and I would go about the task of trying to wake my Sweet Pea.  I would tickle her feet for starters but often resorted to undressing her down to her diaper.  The lack of warmth would soon find her eyes opening ready to drink a little more.  She was completely dependent on me.  I relished in the gift I had been given of nurturing and caring and loving this brand new person.

These are days of remembering.  My Sweet Pea turned 20 on Monday.  She's become a beautiful, young, increasingly independent young woman.  So much so that in less than two months, we will fly her across the country to begin her 3rd year in a new university.  And though the future is completely unknown, I have no expectations of her returning "home" to live.  I expect that she will make her own life and home in this new part of our country.  A big part of me even believes that she needs this.

It's been a long time since I was her sole nurturer.  It's been gradual, her growing independence and my letting go.  She hasn't even lived at home for the past two years.  And yet this gigantic move is another letting go, another opening of my arms to bless her and yes, to grow in excitement with her for this fresh horizon.

Did you hear that?  I AM growing in excitement with her.  She can hardly wait to get on that plane!!!  I have never seen her more confident and calm about a decision; and this one is life-changing!!  I am so very happy for her and the generous ways God is bringing this all to fruition.  But this doesn't mean there isn't a place of mourning in my heart.  This is my baby girl!!!   I shared with a friend recently of my roller-coaster emotions and she responded with the most beautiful, gentle, godly wisdom.

"Ah yes...Letting go...One moment we are training and preparing our children for all their lives, then we realize that we forgot to prepare our own hearts for this moment!  The best I can tell you is, the circumstances will change, but she will always be your little girl and you will always be her mama and you will never stop relating to each other in that way.  In a sense, it is somewhat like my cancer journey...I cannot see what lies ahead, nor do I have the grace now for what lies in future days, but God does give me the grace for today and this is the day in which I need and want to live.  I will ask God to give you today's grace and to enable you to live fully in each day He gives you, trusting that He will give you the grace for those days that lie ahead exactly when you need it."

Sigh.

I love her words for so many reasons.  First, they are heartfelt in that all three of her children live across the country.  She's seasoned in this.  Second, her cancer journey makes her words so powerful...this was no glib response.  And third, she has pointed me to God--El Shaddai--the All Sufficient One who pours forth nourishment--who provides moment by moment daily need.

Ecclesiastes speaks of "a time for everything".  I suppose my love for this passage stems from the ways in which I feel life's seasons so deeply.  Solomon's words allow me the freedom to speak of that which my heart is experiencing. 

God's grace for today.

God's grace for all the tomorrows.

A restful place.

A Dismantling

 "Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; boast about them!  Through them you are learning to depend more on Me, so that My Power may dwell in you."
Sarah Young  2 Cor. 12:0
 
My capacity for doing life seems to be decreasing more and more all the time.

For years now I have lamented my seeming inability to keep up with the Martha's of this world.  Having my plate full, my schedule brimming over and my days stretched would catapult me into a weeping, exhausted mess.  I know this; I seek to live with this in mind; I even accept it to a large degree, but only on the outside.  Within, I see it as my glaring weakness and I probably come close to despising this part of me more than I realize.  The LAST thing I would do is to BOAST about my limitations!!

Yet even within such limitations, I cling so tightly to what AM able to DO.  And though I know and long to have my identity solely in Christ, I live with it being firmly embedded in my "doing".  Which is why, I believe, that my capacity to fulfill some of these roles is waning.  I believe that God is slowly stripping away those things which I have always used to define me.  My spiritual director would call this "a dismantling of my earthly kingdom."  

It's a gentle and harsh dismantling.

I'm slowly being left emptier, yet fuller simultaneously.

Confusion is prevalent but so is clarity.

It's a snail-paced learning of dependence on Christ; of drawing my strength from Him; of being intertwined with Him.

Each time I come to this "place" it feels so discouragingly familiar.  God knows how often I have hit this wall!!  Yet my spiritual director reminds me that though it may feel the same, it's not.  It's a deeper layer each time,  "the issue is more finessed and the healing is deeper."  Her encouragement to "embrace the process--it is God's faithfulness to us", allows me the freedom to move forward at His pace.

And so here I stay and rest and listen.

Wheelchairs and Pride

When we first discovered we had the opportunity to fly to Nashville several months ago, I was thrilled with the prospect of some time away together in the land of country music...which I love!  Because this was half business for Brian, I would have some time to be part of a 5 hour tour of some of the highlights of this city of country.  As time moved on, the reality of how much I would be able to do, began stirring in the background of my mind.  My back pain and sciatica, of which I am understanding more of, is "complex" according to my physiotherapist.  The first time I saw my osteopath she said I should book an appt. each week for 3 weeks and then I could move to every other week, and farther and farther apart.  That was the end of January and I am still going weekly.  

I am not going to be able to do all that I had thought I could a few months ago.

Last week my hubby had one of his staff finalize our travel arrangements, which included booking a porter and wheelchair at both airports.  

And everything within me fought this feeling of dependency and embarrassment and onslaught on my pride.

A wheelchair???!!!  Really???!!!  

After all, I CAN walk.  I can walk around my home and go out and "run" errands and even do light housework now.  But the reality is, whether I'm standing or walking, I'm in pain and the longer I do either, the more intense it gets.  So to think that I can actually stand in a long line, or walk through an airport is out of the question.  I know it is!!  But a wheelchair???!!!!

And so I did what I always do when faced with difficult circumstances.  I go to God.  And when I sit with Him and listen for His voice, I hear HIS perspective, which believe it or not, does NOT revolve around me!!!  

This trip is not just about me.  I have my husband to think about, and if I end up in worse shape than I'm already in, because I pridefully choose to walk through an airport, I not only wreck my time away, but his also!  This is a mini adventure we have together, why would I choose to jeopardize that?

Yesterday I saw a gentleman in a wheelchair and though I was driving, I had a long enough glance to notice that he had a host of physical disabilities.  Immediately I was stopped short in my thoughts--"Juanita, you've got nothing on this man...suck it up and get in the wheelchair."

Today I spent some time in James 4.  James speaks to the point not just about pride, but our arrogance...our boasting of how WE think we should be able to go about our lives.  

"But He gives a greater grace...God is opposed to the proud

but gives grace to the humble" vs. 6

"Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil

and he will flee from  you."  vs. 7

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands you sinners, and 

purify your hearts you doubleminded..."  vs. 8

"Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord,

and He will exalt you..." vs. 11

"...you are just a vapor..." vs. 14

"...you ought to say, 'If the Lord will,

we shall live and also do this or that..." vs. 15

"....you boast in your arrogance;

all such boasting is evil."  vs. 16

God's Word is so very powerful...so convicting...so transforming.

I'm at peace now.  It's truly a grace from God that I am able to put away my pride and walk, or shall I say, sit in a wheelchair in humility.  

But that's who God is.  He "gives grace to the humble".  The beginning of that verse says, "...He gives a greater grace ."  Isn't that like our God:  so very generous.

Two weeks from tomorrow we fly to Nashville.  I expect there will be moments of awkwardness and probably experiences I can't even "anticipate" as I place myself in a wheelchair.  I'm quite sure God has much He wants to share with me:)  

I pray for a humble heart to hear His words.

A God-Size Adventure

Wednesday September 10, 2014 was a memorable day for me.  

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that took place in that 24 hour period 

and yet I knew it was momentous.  

I had no idea how life was going to unfold 

but I believed that one day God would make it clear to me.  

The time frame for what I was waiting for was completely unknown 

and yet I was convinced that eventually the mystery would be revealed.

It was the day I began to pray these words--

"What adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

It has been over 7 months since my heart and lips first spoke these life-changing words. 

Such a prayer had come after a realization that I had been missing out on adventure because of fear.  

My Spiritual Director had challenged me to pray this specific prayer for adventure.  

And she "warned" me--
 God would answer!

Over the past months circumstances have arisen in which I at times wondered, 

"Could this be the adventure God has for me?"
And just as quickly, it was gone.

Not long after I began this prayer, God seemed to nudge me into adding one more request--

"Give me the courage to say 'yes' to Your adventure"

God knows me so well!!!

It's one thing to ask God for adventure,

but quite another to hold out open hands

for 

whatever

He 

gives

me.

And then a little over a month ago the phone call came--
"Mom...I don't know what I'm doing in my program...
it's not what I'm looking for..
I'm thinking of transferring to Simon Fraser in BC"

Two thoughts hit me almost simultaneously --

"My girl's adventure is going to become my adventure"
and
"She'll never move back home"

It's been a whirlwind of activity since then with applications being filled out and sent
and acceptances received and celebrated.

"God...what adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

NEVER
would I have considered sending my Ashley to the West Coast!
NEVER
would I have planned for an adventure of such magnitude!

But God
in His perfect wisdom
and perfect guidance,
 perfect love
and perfect goodness
has planned it all.

Looking back over the months
I see
the countless ways He has so carefully prepared my heart
to say "yes" to such an adventure
The overriding sense of peace I have amidst something so life altering
can only be because of Him.

I know I haven't grasped the enormity of all of this--
but the present moment is enough
God is here with me in the present
And He's also ahead of me
preparing the future
I'll join Him when I arrive

Choosing Contentment

Choosing contentment seems to be one of those reoccurring themes in life.  At least for me anyway.  Yesterday I transplanted a too-small-for-the pot-plant and it just seemed to give me and my living room a boost  Today I pasted my blog design with hues of green.  They speak of fresh and newness and the creeping arrival of spring.  These simple tweaks don't change the landscape of daily life but they do make my spirit smile a little. 

An air of discontent began its slow decent several days ago.  The realization that the snail's pace of recovery I am experiencing is not going to allow for gardening this spring is sinking in.  Thankfully, I decided months ago to downsize my planting of flowers.  I expect I will be able to sit on my porch and fill a few containers with soil and and blooms, but anything beyond that is out of the question.  And so before I get too far down this road of discontent, I'm stopping myself, or rather the Spirit is stopping me and pointing me back towards a restful acceptance of life as it has come to me.

Tonight I will spend a good portion of the evening reading and praying and hearing God remind me that He is trustworthy and kind and that all that He has brought into my life-- or allowed in my life, is in His safekeeping.  I will place open hands and heart before Him, giving Him my desires and frustrations and disappointment, knowing that He is good.

And I will rest in His Presence and enjoy the comfort and care He provides for each season of life.

Oh the Blood

Right here...right now

 "Imagine Jesus has said he would join you for an hour this day.

Where would you most like Christ to be with you?

What would you like to be able to do?

How might Christ's presence change something you do today?

Go ahead and make that change.

Christ is with you."

--John Indermark

"Gospeled Lives:  Encounters with Jesus

Christ be with me

  right here...right now...

with me 

in my disappointment, my loneliness, my confusion, my longing...

To sit with me in my livingroom

and be the Presence

that covers all of the emotions of this moment...

To hold me and comfort me...

To be my rest in every way imaginable.

 

Lent

"Lent is a time of returning to God.

It is a time to confess how we keep looking for

joy,

peace, and

satisfaction

in many people and things surrounding us,

without really finding what we desire.

Only God can give us what we want...

Lent is a time of refocusing,

of reentering the place of truth,

of reclaiming our true identity."

--Henri J. M. Nouwen

"Sabbatical Journey:  The Diary of His Final Year"

Lent this year is like none other

Beautiful, intimate, purposeful,

painful, lonely, shameful

It's as though I am laid bare,

my inner being lies

naked

before the eyes of God.

He has exposed so much

yet I feel safe with Him.

Everyone

and

everything else

leaves me empty

of what I truly need

He alone meets my need

I know this

God help me live it!

 

Asking The Right Questions

I've been revisiting a rich book--

mining it's pages reveals 

new nuggets of

truth

hope

encouragement

challenge

"Being Well When We're Ill"

(Wholeness and Hope In Spite of Infirmity)

by Marva J. Dawn

was a book I read as I was 

recovering from the years of depression's darkness

Gratefully I'm not in that place again,

but life is full of so many pathways of pain

and in each one there is the often- asked -question

Why?

I'm in my fifth week now of fairly significant sciatica

Recovery feels so slow...

doesn't it always???

I could rant a list of how this has affected me--

my routine

sleep

abilities, etc.
and just coping with the pain in general

And I could ask that very simple, but nagging question, 

why?

But I haven't.

Not because I'm super spiritual

or strong...

Truly I am very much aware of my brokenness,

how  weak I am

The reason I haven't asked the question

is solely God's grace in my life

He has brought me to a place where I am 

finally

beginning to trust Him...

to believe that the gift of life I receive 

every 

day

is from Him

regardless of how that may look

This is where Marva's words of faith and trust come in.

"A first step toward finding

intellectual, emotional and spiritual well-being

in spite of the absurdity of our...circumstances

is to change the questions from 

'Why?' to

'What?' and 'Where?',

and to ask these with an

open-minded commitment to look for answers.

More completely, the new questions are,

'What is God doing in the midst of this?'

and

'Where do I catch glimpses of the Trinity's grace?'"

Both of these questions move the focus from

me

to

Him

The beauty of theses questions

is that they can be answered!!!

I'm not suspended in time

holding out for some nebulous answer to "why"

which will never come

Instead,

I am living out the answers to these other questions

in the strength and grace and provision

of God

 I can see sooooo much of what God is doing

and catching glimpses of the Trinity's grace

requires little effort

Asking the right questions

changes everything

My prayer--
for strength and grace
to continue living out the answers

Receiving Life

Many of you know that I am an

ultra organizer and planner.

I'm also not the most flexible person

although I have grown in this area  over the years--

out of necessity.

My time with Ingrid, my Spiritual Director last week

was wonderfully enlightening--

freeing actually.

Truthfully, I'm embarrassed to express

the fullness of what I have learned

as it reveals 

the deception within my own soul

But I will turn my back on pride and divulge anyway--

another area I'm growing in (denouncing pride that is)

I was sharing with Ingrid my word for 2015--

Courage,

and how the blank pages of the coming year

unnerve me and I need the courage

to trust God's ways.

She responded with simplicity but it so moved me!

Life, she said, can be looked at in one of two ways--

1.  I'm moving through time

2.  I'm just here and life comes to me--I in turn receive it and respond to it.

Trust God to bring life!

She went on to remind me that "making life" is an illusion.

Very little of it unfolds as I have planned.

For sure I need to prepare and plan my days, but just as much,

I must hold all things loosely.

All is tentative. 

If my plans are changed,  this then

is the life God is giving me.

I suppose on the surface I am aware that my plans are often 

interrupted,

detoured,

or quashed,

but I don't receive and respond with grace--

at least not as often I should.

At times I am 

frustrated

annoyed

angry

disillusioned

James would say I am arrogant--

"Come now, you who say,

'Today or tomorrow, we shall go to such and such a city,

and spend a year there

and engage in business

and make a profit.

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.

You are JUST a vapor

that appears for a little while

and then vanishes away.

Instead, you ought to say,

'If the LORD WILLS,

we shall live and also do this or that.'

But as it is,

YOU BOAST IN YOUR ARROGANCE,

ALL SUCH BOASTING IS EVIL.'"

--James 4:14-16

Ouch.

As much as such a rebuke "smarts",

I welcome it as 

a grace from God.

Because it's "freeing" me.

It's also timely.

The "life" that has come to me in the past week

has completely disrupted my days.

Much on "my agenda" has either been

scaled way back,

wholly disrupted,

or been stroked off my list.

I have no idea how long this "life"

will stay with me.

And yet surprisingly,

I'm receiving it

and responding to it

as God's gift to me.

Yes...a gift.

It doesn't mean I understand the "why" 

or that I'm enjoying it,

but I am trusting 

that He is wise and good

 and yes,

trustworthy.
And I am looking for Him
in the midst of my
"now"
for whatever He is purposing to reveal.
 

I only ask for grace

to glorify Him

through this "life"

that I'm receiving.

A New Year...

Word for 2015

Courage

Verse for 2015

"...I am not alone, 

because the Father is with Me.

These things I have spoken to you,

that in Me

you may have peace.

In the world you have tribulation,

but take courage;

I have overcome the world."

--John 16:32b,33