Grief--deep sorrow or mental distress caused by loss, remorse, affliction, etc.
Funk & Wagnall's Standard College Dictionary
Grief and it's many facets has been on my mind and flowing through my spirit these days. There is a sense that some of the disbelief of Mom's passing, is beginning to be felt as reality. Whether disbelief or reality, so many questions, pondering and emotions come and go. In addition, the overlapping loss of my birth mother continues to weave its way into the here and now. Further, grief also stems from various types of losses which means that my forthcoming thoughts are a patchwork of sorts in my personal world of grief.
It strikes me how the dictionary definition of grief gives so very little space to this life altering experience. As if a select group of words could define the experience of grieving!
I have noticed both in the past and present, the endless in-working and outworking of grief, within others and within myself. Though many have penned powerful words to give voice to such pain, it is doubtful these depictions are wholly true for everyone.
Some of my personal thoughts on grief
Grief is lonely and desiring to be alone and also wanting people to be near, but not too many and only at "the right time". There is a "wrong time", though I'm not sure when that is until it's upon me.
Grief is wanting someone to understand and knowing they can't possibly except that here and there someone reaches in and feels my pain.
Grief is like feeling nervous or afraid...this churning within, though I am not afraid, or maybe I am because this experience is like a foreign invader crashing through my perimeter of safety.
Grief is having reminders of her throughout my home and finding comfort and peace and then realizing I want more because what I have is not enough.
Grief is coming across a note or recipe with her handwriting and missing her touches all over again. How could her handwriting always be to perfection????
Grief is questions and regrets and memories I struggle to make peace with over and over and over again.
Grief is wondering if I could have done something differently and of course I could have, but I didn't because life is lived forward and not in reverse.
Grief is sobbing and weeping and crying and being teary-eyes and getting choked up and it's also silence, and dry eyes and pining and a broken heart.
Grief is leaving, going away and staying away for however long, to find your own way, hopefully, and grief is staying and finding your way here with others.
Grief is anger and despair and depression and agony and it's acceptance and calm and comfort.
Grief is being tired of the sadness but wanting it all the same because it keeps her alive.
Grief is choosing some days to pretend as though life is normal and choosing others days to leave the wound open and raw.
Grief is my mind full and racing with no direction and it is orderly and methodical and reasonable.
Grief is exhaustion and the welcome reprieve of sleep and it is the insomnia of thoughts not ready yet to lie down.
Grief is the blanket of God's comfort and the starkness of His absence.
Grief is knowing, without a doubt, that God's ways are good and still questioning His wisdom in the midnight hours.
Grief is running down memory lane to find you and thinking, "if only there had been another way."
Grief is being unsure which mother I am missing today and being okay with this.
Grief is baggage; awkward, heavy, frustrating baggage which complicates my grief and spirals me into victim mode and self-pity and angst. And every so often grief feels pure and I wish it could always be so.
Grief is the recurring shock of her absence and it is the lingering, silky presence of her absence.
Grief is desperately wanting to skip over all the "firsts" and yet never wanting to miss out on the "rich" pain of any of them.
Grief is finding ways to remember while simultaneously letting go.
Grief is wanting the freedom to sob gut-wrenching sobs and yet stifling them because it's too hard on others and then being angry because why do we have to live behind a veil of oceanic grief?
Grief is being unable to sob and wondering why why the anchor in the depths of my being won't release.
Grief is horrible and it's beautiful.
Grief is living in the past and the present and trying to find the road map forward.
Grief is when loved ones find beautiful ways to remember and grieve together.
