It's the feeling that comes over me now and then as I have approached April 24. This sense of D-Day all over again--an invasion into my psyche regardless of how many years have passed. This year it hasn't settled over me like a dark cloud for which I am grateful. There are moments it is strong and invasive but most often is is just there--a lingering awareness just over my shoulder. Tomorrow will mark 47 years since my mother was taken from my side and I was left with this invasion from the world of horror and confusion, grief and loss. This year, unlike past years, has not bombarded me with questions or thoughts that I am bordering on neurotic for still being affected and saddened by her absence. Another gift for me. This year I remind myself of the intricacies surrounding my mother's death and my subsequent grief journey. In this way I have been able to normalize how her loss has impacted me. Being five and having my Mama suddenly and violently disappear from my life was traumatic, plunging me into years of silence, denial, confusion and anger. The sleeping giant of grief does that and as it awakens it summons pockets and layers of unresolved grief. This is normalcy for me. That years upon years lie in the wake does not matter to dormant emotions. And so whether I am overcome with a new or old memory or if the day passes quietly I am okay and I will be okay. Whatever unfolds will be. This is a peaceful way to be right now.
April has always infiltrated me with mixed emotions. I love spring! The yawning earth opens her sleepy eyes and begins to come to life with her budding arrays of green springing forth everywhere. But it's always contrasted with this dark day of remembering the death of a life so pivotal to mine. And so when I turned the calendar page from March to April with a yearning for newness in the world around me, April 24 was weaving her painful memory in and through all the other preceding days. This too is my normal. So I have tried to listen to my spirit on any given day and let the clouds roll in or the to sun to break forth.
This spring has opened a new window into the nuances of the month of April as I unpack and seek a new home for the treasured possessions which were my mothers. I am not rushing this settling in for myself or these memory pieces. I acknowledge the reality that she is not here for this new stage in my life and leave it at that. This seems enough, at least today. As the weeks have unfolded I have realized the many different ways in which God is teaching me to live unhurried. Herein is another aspect whereby not everything needs to be placed immediately. Decisions can be made methodically and reflectively. There can be unknowing in these days of settling. Did I just say this??
It's not how I normally live out my days which lends to my own understanding of why my winding path of grief has been such an affront for me. There has been no flow or rhyme or reason to the nature of the path I have been on for 47 years. How difficult it has been to navigate the rocky terrain when I am bent only on a smooth, unhindered road. But I am learning. With just hours from the dawning of a new day, of D-Day I am at rest..quiet. I don't know how tomorrow will unfold. I pray that I will receive it with open hands and trust that the presence of God will enfold me. That is all I ask for.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Sunday, April 16, 2017
40 Days--A Sequestered Time
It will be two weeks tomorrow that all of our earthly possessions were loaded on a truck, leaving an empty house behind. The majority of boxes are now unpacked in our new living space and within these four walls there is the breath of "home" which covers me in soothing and refreshing ways.
The walls remain bare to a large extent but this will change throughout the coming weeks. The guest room which will be home for our adult children when they stay overnight has yet to be tackled. It is the catch all center for empty boxes and all that has been collected during my second purge. It too is on my list to transform this week.
Since it has been 23 1/2 years since we last moved, I had very little recollection of the grandiose proportions of what a move entailed. As the days have unfolded I am realizing that unpacking and settling are two very different things. Emptying boxes was and is a joy in and of itself. It was like Christmas with each tearing off of the tape and unwrapping of items. It has been a time of wonderful delight! Finding just the right place of everything has been equally enjoyable...life-giving really. At times I can't sleep as my mind decorates room after room in the wee hours of the morning. I'm tired!! haha
Another side of moving has been the myriad of thoughts and emotions circulating within. I continue to walk through this home, while my spirit wells up with deep gratitude: "I can't believe we get to live here!!" This is such a beautiful gift of a home and I am enthralled with all that has been given to us. I truly am basking in it!
During that first week I sensed that it was important to sequester myself and plunge into unpacking and organizing and creating a new home. I continued in this vein last week but soon began to feel that "pull" from the outside world that I "should" reengage with the rest of life. I realized that there were actually aspects of reengagment that I was dreading and I shared this with my Spiritual Director. I acknowledged not only the inner sense I had that this move was a "starting over" time for me, but also the desire, somewhat naive I recognize, in which I hoped that in this new environment I could and would actually interact with life in new and fresh and stronger ways. She reminded me that a move in and of itself is drastic. It's an upheaval in every way. But me, myself and I...am the same woman who locked the door behind me at our former home and the same one who unlocked the door of this new home. I knew that, but I secretly longed to experience my own metamorphosis. I wanted to shed some of the clutter from within, just as I had decluttered our house. I had been living with an ongoing sense of feeling "trapped" by perceived or known expectations by people/life/circumstances. It is much easier to physically remove the unneeded furniture and pack up the decor which takes up too much space in an effort to create a more peaceful setting in a home, than it is to let go of some of the chaos within which threatens to take over me.
My Spiritual Director encouraged me to continue to sequester myself and perhaps set a time of 40 days. Forty days is often a significant period of time in the Bible. I have just finished 40 days of Lent which I expressed in a previous post, was a strange and awkward season this year. Now it seems necessary to set aside forty days to settle, to reflect, to enjoy the incredible gift of this new home, to actually create a type of neutral zone whereby I have time to grow into some of the stronger, more wholesome patterns of living I desire to have. She suggested my "40" days may end up being less or they may require more, but that this would be made clear to me as I go.
I have found the last several days quite difficult. Perhaps I will be misunderstood when I express this, but I have very much craved aloneness. Three Easter Celebrations with family and church family were rich and meaningful but I have missed this much needed sequestered time. My spirit requires this stretch of days. I am convinced of this. Sue Monk Kidd writes a great deal about waiting in her book, "When the Heart Waits--Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions". Early in the pages of her book she pens,
Later she goes on to reveal,
The walls remain bare to a large extent but this will change throughout the coming weeks. The guest room which will be home for our adult children when they stay overnight has yet to be tackled. It is the catch all center for empty boxes and all that has been collected during my second purge. It too is on my list to transform this week.
Since it has been 23 1/2 years since we last moved, I had very little recollection of the grandiose proportions of what a move entailed. As the days have unfolded I am realizing that unpacking and settling are two very different things. Emptying boxes was and is a joy in and of itself. It was like Christmas with each tearing off of the tape and unwrapping of items. It has been a time of wonderful delight! Finding just the right place of everything has been equally enjoyable...life-giving really. At times I can't sleep as my mind decorates room after room in the wee hours of the morning. I'm tired!! haha
Another side of moving has been the myriad of thoughts and emotions circulating within. I continue to walk through this home, while my spirit wells up with deep gratitude: "I can't believe we get to live here!!" This is such a beautiful gift of a home and I am enthralled with all that has been given to us. I truly am basking in it!
During that first week I sensed that it was important to sequester myself and plunge into unpacking and organizing and creating a new home. I continued in this vein last week but soon began to feel that "pull" from the outside world that I "should" reengage with the rest of life. I realized that there were actually aspects of reengagment that I was dreading and I shared this with my Spiritual Director. I acknowledged not only the inner sense I had that this move was a "starting over" time for me, but also the desire, somewhat naive I recognize, in which I hoped that in this new environment I could and would actually interact with life in new and fresh and stronger ways. She reminded me that a move in and of itself is drastic. It's an upheaval in every way. But me, myself and I...am the same woman who locked the door behind me at our former home and the same one who unlocked the door of this new home. I knew that, but I secretly longed to experience my own metamorphosis. I wanted to shed some of the clutter from within, just as I had decluttered our house. I had been living with an ongoing sense of feeling "trapped" by perceived or known expectations by people/life/circumstances. It is much easier to physically remove the unneeded furniture and pack up the decor which takes up too much space in an effort to create a more peaceful setting in a home, than it is to let go of some of the chaos within which threatens to take over me.
My Spiritual Director encouraged me to continue to sequester myself and perhaps set a time of 40 days. Forty days is often a significant period of time in the Bible. I have just finished 40 days of Lent which I expressed in a previous post, was a strange and awkward season this year. Now it seems necessary to set aside forty days to settle, to reflect, to enjoy the incredible gift of this new home, to actually create a type of neutral zone whereby I have time to grow into some of the stronger, more wholesome patterns of living I desire to have. She suggested my "40" days may end up being less or they may require more, but that this would be made clear to me as I go.
I have found the last several days quite difficult. Perhaps I will be misunderstood when I express this, but I have very much craved aloneness. Three Easter Celebrations with family and church family were rich and meaningful but I have missed this much needed sequestered time. My spirit requires this stretch of days. I am convinced of this. Sue Monk Kidd writes a great deal about waiting in her book, "When the Heart Waits--Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions". Early in the pages of her book she pens,
"When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be."
Later she goes on to reveal,
"The spiritual journey is one of becoming real. Waiting can offer us the gift of authenticity. It can help us give birth to a new way of being true to ourselves. As we wait, we discover that it's okay--really okay--not only to imagine who we truly are inside but to say who we are, welcome who we are, and even be who we are."
These will not be easy days for me despite the knowing of how much my spirit needs them. It is always stretching for me to take time for myself, to go against the norm, to risk disappointing or being misunderstood by people. It will require a mind and soul focused on the One who seems to have led me here. It will demand courage to respond to any questions from those looking in as well as responding to the voices in my head which tell me I am lazy and selfish. It will require patience and perseverance in the waiting and discernment to know when the days are completed whether they be an actual 40 days or not. At times it will require flexibility when life asks of me that which holds a value that cannot be dismissed. And it will require an open and waiting heart to receive all that God desires to remove and His plans to create something new.
And so for a season I will continue to quiet my days and stay with God in this time of simplicity and beauty and settling and the creating of the new.
Christ The Lord is Risen Today!
Christ the Lord, is risen today, Alleluia!!
Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heav'ns, and earth, reply, Alleluia!
Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids him rise, Alleluia!
Christ has opened paradise, Alleluia!
Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting, Alleluia!
Once He died, our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O grave? Alleluia!
Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like Him, like Him we rise. Alleluia!
Ours the cross the grave, the skies, Alleluia!
Hail, the Lord of earth and heav'n, Alleluia!
Praise to Thee by both be giv'n. Alleluia!
Thee we greet triumphant now, Alleluia!
Hail, the Resurrection Thou, Alleluia!
--Charles Wesley
The beloved words to this hymn greeted me this Easter Sunday morning as I sat down at breakfast
to read the closing words of my Lenten Devotional. Each line in this hymn is overflowing with the richness that is mine as a follower of my risen Lord! Oh the far reaching magnitude of the life-giving power of my risen Christ! A power available to every solitary human being on the face of this earth. If we ever needed a risen and living LORD, it is now. The small corner of the world in which I live needs Christ. And the world spanning the globe is in need of this living Savior.
In Henri J. M. Nouwen's book , "The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey", he shares of an Easter Sunday morning at L'Arche Daybreak and reiterates the words expressed around the table that particular day, "We spoke together about the resurrection. Liz, who works with many anguished people, said, 'We have to keep rolling away the large stones that prevent people from coming out of their graves.'
This is the calling of Jesus into the lives of all of His who claim His Lordship. We are called to keep rolling away the large stones blocking the openings of the "graves"of the people around us.
"Oh grant me courage and wisdom to live out Your mission!"
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Extravagant Lent
My thoughts continue to remain on the edge of this awkward Lenten season. I recognize that I have been avoiding entering into the fullness of what this all means for me. As though avoidance can somehow make it less real. This morning I penned some of what I am sharing here in an effort to embrace what for me has become "Extravagant" Lent.
I admit to a level of disappointment in the space I have given to reflection this season and what feels like inconsistent observance of the fast God called me to a little less than 40 days ago. The move from our house to a condo has been a disruption of grandiose proportions for sure but perhaps has also been my excuse for my lack of full participation in Lent. Add to this a strange, awkward and very powerful gift of extravagance which I find in our new home. Lent began with me dismantling and packing up our home of 23 1/2 years but then smack dab in the middle of what is supposed to be a season of self denial and sacrifice, I found myself plucked from living our of boxes to settling into extravagance. My mantra has become, "I can't believe we get to live here!!"
I am at a loss as to know what do with Lent and extravagance. These two words seem polar opposite to one another. I flit from humbly basking in this gift beyond belief, to harboring guilt at having been given this incredible privilege. The nagging question, "Why do I get to enjoy this new gift of a home when so many have so much less?" pervades.
But why can't I allow such extravagance to point me to Him and move me to worship the One who gave such extravagant love??!! He gave freely, abundantly...literally He gave Himself. Without strings attached. It wasn't about me or anyone of us deserving or measuring up or achieving a standard--which leaves me empty in my receiving. An emptiness I am always trying to fill. I have great difficulty receiving pure gift. Everything in me wants to compensate in some way. Yet I'm unable to earn or be worthy of His sacrifice for me. This only adds to the extravagance of the gift of His life that I may have life.
These past 12 days of Extravagant Lent have been, ultimately, moving me towards the Extravagance of Good Friday and Celebration of Easter Sunday. How am I to respond to this awkward Lenten season?
Embrace fully.
Give thanks freely.
Receive in humility.
Be wholly still in the mystery of it all.
I admit to a level of disappointment in the space I have given to reflection this season and what feels like inconsistent observance of the fast God called me to a little less than 40 days ago. The move from our house to a condo has been a disruption of grandiose proportions for sure but perhaps has also been my excuse for my lack of full participation in Lent. Add to this a strange, awkward and very powerful gift of extravagance which I find in our new home. Lent began with me dismantling and packing up our home of 23 1/2 years but then smack dab in the middle of what is supposed to be a season of self denial and sacrifice, I found myself plucked from living our of boxes to settling into extravagance. My mantra has become, "I can't believe we get to live here!!"
I am at a loss as to know what do with Lent and extravagance. These two words seem polar opposite to one another. I flit from humbly basking in this gift beyond belief, to harboring guilt at having been given this incredible privilege. The nagging question, "Why do I get to enjoy this new gift of a home when so many have so much less?" pervades.
But why can't I allow such extravagance to point me to Him and move me to worship the One who gave such extravagant love??!! He gave freely, abundantly...literally He gave Himself. Without strings attached. It wasn't about me or anyone of us deserving or measuring up or achieving a standard--which leaves me empty in my receiving. An emptiness I am always trying to fill. I have great difficulty receiving pure gift. Everything in me wants to compensate in some way. Yet I'm unable to earn or be worthy of His sacrifice for me. This only adds to the extravagance of the gift of His life that I may have life.
These past 12 days of Extravagant Lent have been, ultimately, moving me towards the Extravagance of Good Friday and Celebration of Easter Sunday. How am I to respond to this awkward Lenten season?
Embrace fully.
Give thanks freely.
Receive in humility.
Be wholly still in the mystery of it all.
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