My seasonal decorating began late and my desire to create and mail Christmas cards this year drifted into the background. My oven never did give off the aroma of Christmas baking. And though I had very few gifts to purchase this year, even what was on my list felt overwhelming.
A woman battling cancer who joined my small group in the fall began to decline much faster than any of us expected. Her daughter-in-law, also in my small group seemed to gravitate towards my expressions of care or perhaps it was me who gravitated towards their painful journey. Regardless, the heartache of this family weighed heavily on me, culminating in Will passing away early afternoon on Christmas Eve.
My anticipation of Ashley coming home from university for 3 weeks was high. I envisioned our airport arms-enfolding-hugs and hours of alone time with my girl but it was only the airport that met my expectations. My spiritual director warned me of this..."Let go of expectations Juanita", she said, but how does one really do that anyway???? Both she and I expected that friendships would be difficult to reengage in. After all, everyone has gone on with their lives just as she has. But surprisingly she has had very few spare moments and has been enjoying life with old friends. And I am truly happy for her....I am. And we've both realized that "home" and "Mom and Dad" are home base, a safe place and familiar. We are not going anywhere. Her friends, on the other hand, have changing lives, and who will still be around next Christmas is unknown. We both feel a little like this 3 week homecoming has been a bit of a tease. In some ways it has been harder to have her here than not. With one week to go before she hops on a plane again, we feel somewhat in limbo again. The goodbye isn't here, but it's so close. We have some planned mother/daughter time over the next few days which we are both looking forward to. And the rest of the holiday? I guess we will just feel our way as we go.
Our family Christmas hasn't even happened yet, which has been another strange aspect of Christmas. Cam and Sonya have been in Ecuador since Dec. 16 being life-size Christmas gifts for her sister who lives there. I am so happy for all them; an adventure for Cam and Sonya and a family Christmas for Jess. But it has been strange to not have my all children with us for at least part of Christmas day. I had thought I had planned for this "strangeness". I think I did. But one can't plan for how it ends up feeling in the end.
I've walked through many a Christmas season with less than optimum emotional health and though I've been in much harder places in season's past, I've struggled and I expect that all of the above has either
added to how I am processing life or the experiences of this particular season have challenged my emotional stability. Does it really matter what causes what?
So what does one do with so many unmet expectations? How do I navigate that which I don't totally understand myself? For a time, the heavens have seemed silent. Even in the quietness of Advent readings and prayer, clarity was absent. Until two days before Christmas, when I came across these words by Ann Voskamp.
"God always gives God.
Hush away the hurry, the worry.
We can always have as much of God
as we want."
And there it was...simple, powerful, gentle. I can have as much of God as I want. There is so much else this season where it is not what I have wanted or expected or been enough, but I can always have as much of God as I want.
Such a transforming perspective. Such an invitation to live fully in the midst of empty places. Such a calling to usher in a new year with.
We can always have as much of God as we want.
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