A Dismantling

 "Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; boast about them!  Through them you are learning to depend more on Me, so that My Power may dwell in you."
Sarah Young  2 Cor. 12:0
 
My capacity for doing life seems to be decreasing more and more all the time.

For years now I have lamented my seeming inability to keep up with the Martha's of this world.  Having my plate full, my schedule brimming over and my days stretched would catapult me into a weeping, exhausted mess.  I know this; I seek to live with this in mind; I even accept it to a large degree, but only on the outside.  Within, I see it as my glaring weakness and I probably come close to despising this part of me more than I realize.  The LAST thing I would do is to BOAST about my limitations!!

Yet even within such limitations, I cling so tightly to what AM able to DO.  And though I know and long to have my identity solely in Christ, I live with it being firmly embedded in my "doing".  Which is why, I believe, that my capacity to fulfill some of these roles is waning.  I believe that God is slowly stripping away those things which I have always used to define me.  My spiritual director would call this "a dismantling of my earthly kingdom."  

It's a gentle and harsh dismantling.

I'm slowly being left emptier, yet fuller simultaneously.

Confusion is prevalent but so is clarity.

It's a snail-paced learning of dependence on Christ; of drawing my strength from Him; of being intertwined with Him.

Each time I come to this "place" it feels so discouragingly familiar.  God knows how often I have hit this wall!!  Yet my spiritual director reminds me that though it may feel the same, it's not.  It's a deeper layer each time,  "the issue is more finessed and the healing is deeper."  Her encouragement to "embrace the process--it is God's faithfulness to us", allows me the freedom to move forward at His pace.

And so here I stay and rest and listen.