Masks

I wear a mask. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. The doctor at the Sleep Clinic highly recommended CPAP(Continuous Positive Air Pressure) Therapy. The mask covers my nose and is held in place by a harness-type contraption that adjusts with velcro straps at the back of my head. A heated air-hose attached at one end to my mask, and the other end to a machine, delivers constant air flow while I sleep. I shed a few tears the first night I donned the mask and climbed into bed beside my husband. I mean really...how romantic can it be for my husband to now be sleeping beside Darth Vader!!!!! (My son's nickname for me) My concern/vanity however, was quickly dismissed when I woke up the next morning, not being able to EVER remember sleeping that well. It took several months for my sleep deprived body to be rejuvenated, but I have not looked back since that first night. The benefits of wearing this mask provide me with what is known as "a good night's sleep" and the wonder of feeling refreshed. My husband happens to appreciate the fact that I don't stop breathing during the night anymore either :)

From time to time I wear other masks as well. They're not obvious to the average person. Recently, I became aware of one of these disguises...again. It's my subtle way of being, of interacting, of presenting myself. And I've worn it for so long and it's such a part of me, that quite often I'm not even aware I've got it on. Why do I wear it? Out of fear, lack of confidence, etc. I naively decide that it protects me...keeps me safe, and in my comfort zone. Which it does, to a certain degree, but yet I'm not truly comfortable wearing this mask, because I know it's not fully me. It hides a deeper part of who I am. And although it does provide protection, safety...it's not beneficial to me as a person. I end up suffering in silence, alone, underneath the disguise.

I know that's not what God longs for, for me. Psalm 51:6 tells me that God "desires truth in the innermost being". Those words are a comfort and a challenge to me. God desires my honesty. Deep down, nitty gritty, gut-wrenching honesty. That is just like God. No half measures will do. God wants all of me.

Thankfully, He also knows all of me. "...He Himself knows our frame(what we are made of); He is mindful that we are but dust." Psalm 103:14 Whew!!! My propensity for mask-wearing does not surprise Him! He is fully aware of what makes up the person that is Juanita. I hold on to truths like these. I need them to bring comfort, healing and challenge for my soul.

I've expressed my "innermost being" to someone who is investing a great deal of time and energy into my life right now. I needed to. The alternative was to keep up the facade and not grow. Which is soooooo NOT what I want. My heart's desire is to flourish. I know that with guidance and patience and wisdom from my "investor", that will happen.

Taking off masks is not a simple one-time effort. It's long, painstaking soul-work. But its benefits will prove to be life-giving.

Just like Darth Vader.