Enough?

I'm tired as I punch the keys of my computer.  Tired physically and emotionally and spiritually.  I am tired of living in this threesome fatigue.  I look at others(the comparison game is one of my most compulsive sins) and see what they are able to accomplish within their busy and sometimes chaotic lives, and I am mystified why I am seemingly unable to cope with my itty bitty life.

I am a stay-at-home Mom with one already having left the nest and a 16 year old in school all day.  I figure I should have a feast of hours in my days/week in order to keep the plates spinning.  But I am always feeling like what I do is never enough.  Like I just can't keep up.

Last evening the turmoil within was suffocating.  My mind would flit from one "I should do this" to another"I should be doing that"  I am just so tired of this internal war that I fight so often.  Why can't there be a cease-fire in my brain????  Tonight the same fight is on.

It seems as though for a period of time I experience relative calm in my inner life and the other half of the time I spend arguing with the voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. 
I don't work hard enough,
do enough,
pray enough,
have faith enough,
be strong enough...

And I am just so tired of fighting the "not enough lies".  Because they are lies. 

Aren't they?

But that is part of the problem.  I struggle to discern the lies from the truth.  I look at the life of Jesus and long for a life that is so beautifully purposed and sure.  When faced with the needs of people he knows exactly how to respond.  Sometimes the needs are met immediately, sometimes he waits for days, when humanly speaking all hope is lost.  Clearly, Jesus did not meet everyone's needs...not even close.  And because He was the God-man He knew what was "enough".  One never hears Jesus saying, "I wonder if I should touch this person's pain?"  or, "I wonder if it's okay for me to say 'no' and take care of my own body and soul?"  When He was tired He went to sleep...even when the storm was raging.  When He needed to be alone with His Father, He went off by Himself to a quiet place.

But I truly don't know when or if I have done "enough".  And as much as I ask Him I just don't get a response that details how or when or if I should respond.

And I have no clue how or if I can ever get to a place of peace with all the "enoughs".

Except that tonight I have written enough. 

It's time go to crawl up under some blankets with my Bible and a journal and just be with Him as I am.