It's a Forever Thing

Ever since my first babe was born I've had this heart "condition".  Often I am overwhelmed by the intensity of it.   And even though this firstborn has transitioned from this home to make his own, I continue to be a mother whose heart is forever exposed.

Elizabeth Stone puts my thoughts into a rich word picture.  She says,
"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

It's not as though I expected this to change when my son left home, but I am aware of how much he continues to have this hold on my mother-heart.


He called the other evening and I could immediately hear the tension in his voice.  He was being faced with yet another decision to make.  He has had an abundance of them the past few months, but this one called for an answer in a very short amount of time and it was weighing on him.  His frustration was noticeable as he lamented that there wasn't even time to pray through this, as it had been sprung on him just that day.  I tried to offer thoughts that would free him from any expectations he thought I might have in the final outcome.  This I hoped would make for a smoother passage way to settling it in his mind.  But it was clear that he was still burdened as to what path he should take.  I prayed with him and told him I would call back later in the evening to see what he had determined.

And throughout the conversation I could feel it happening again...this almost physical...deeply emotional pulsating of my heart strings.  Like life was being sucked out of my beating organ.  It's as though our "separation" in the delivery room that day was only partial.  He is still woven throughout my entire being.

The rest of the evening, even as I relinquished control of my son to God, I found that whatever I involved myself in, my heart continued to walk around outside of my body.

Three hours later I called and checked in with my boy.  This same boy who hours earlier was in an obvious struggle now answered the phone with a lilt in his voice as he easily shared his decision and the process by which he made it.  I listened, thinking to myself, "How is it that my heart has been oxygen deprived for the past 3 hours while you have not only resolved this in your heart, but have also been productively working for the last 1 1/2 hours?!!!"

And this is where it hits me..."it's a forever thing".  This heart-walking-around-outside-my-body-thing is terminal.  And that's okay.  It's what I signed up for...sort of...I really had no idea what life-altering decision I was making!

Last night he called and asked his Mama how to make butternut squash.  And I felt my heart walking around outside of my body again, but in that satisfying, easy breathing, smiling-kind-of-way.  Sigh.  I love these moments.

I love my children...achingly so at times.  I am filled and emptied, elated and deeply pained for these ones that I have birthed and the life journeys they are on.  And I am passionate about continuing to live out this momentous decision which means...

My heart will forever be walking around outside of my body.