My Baby Girl...Growing Up

I can still hear my OB's announcement singing in my ears, "It's a girl!", he called out.  I remember bursting into tears, deeply grateful for the safe arrival of all that spelled pink and lace and ponytails. 

In a few months she will be sweet sixteen.  There is a shock and normalcy to this next stage.  It did not all happen overnight.  Each stage came upon us and somehow just meshed into the next stage.  I never wanted to hurry any stage, no matter how difficult.  It was just "where we were at".  But I did at times, wish that the calender would come to a standstill and we would stay a little longer in a particular season. 

Oh sure, those early years were physically draining and emotionally trying.
With a newborn there was the constant care  of providing even just the basics.  Sometimes I was overcome with fear, wondering why her fever continued to prevail.   And the toddler years?  Teaching seemed to be a constant as she discovered life in a myriad of ways.  I was being taught myself.  I had an auburn haired part of my DNA who was part of me but not me.  I was learning who she was.  I distinctly remember Kindergarten.  In many ways it was a very somber time within me as I faced this stark reality.  The world will now have my daughter for six hours, five days a week.  Up until then, I decided what would make up her world.  I chose what would fill her little mind.  I purposefully nurtured her according to who she was.

I suppose in many ways, I'm feeling this sobering, inescapable fact right now.  But it travels even further.  It's not just that she spends time in the world's environment.  It's this very real reality that the world is calling my daughter's name.  Often and consistently, something other than home is vying for her attention.  My mother heart yearns to be that ever present filter and ongoing protector of her mind and heart.  At times my lips voice "yes" when my heart is screaming "no".  Regularly I am caught up in the drama of a moment, desperately searching for the right response.  Yes, she is still in need of my guidance and authority and nurturing.  I'm not giving up my mother-role by no means!  But I cannot always be the voice over her shoulder.  It is well within her age requirement to be learning a growing sense of independence.  It is important that she venture out and make her own decisions and make choices.

But I can't say I like it.  Truthfully, it scares me.  A lot.  I see the excitement in her eyes after a sleepover with friends.  I hear the frustration in her voice when we limit her adventures to non-alcoholic parties.  I hear the teenage angst of how much life sucks at times.   The song that the world sings to her is strong and clear and enticing.

This morning I sang another song in my place of worship.  Several songs actually...

"Fear not, for I am with you", says the Lord. 

"Glory, glory, Hallelujah He reigns."

"Why should I be afraid when You put the stars in place?
 Why should I lose heart when I know how great You are?
 You shine brighter than the brightest star--filling us with courage and hope to follow You."

My pastor spoke on Daniel and the strength of this truth tugged at my heart, "Yahweh is above all gods."

For that hour, I listened to His voice and feasted on His promises and drank in His power.  I need the wattage of these truthful reminders.  I need them often. I need them daily.

My baby girl is growing up.  I know this hasn't caught her Creator by surprise.  He's fully "in the know", and fully God. 

"O secret Christ,
Lord of the rose of dawn,
hide me within Thy silent peace,
that throughout the turmoil of day,
I may abide within the quiet of the daybreak."
--Anonymous  



 






 

My Storehouse

"It's important to keep adding to our storehouse of names, aspects, and images of God.  We tend to stick with the familiar images such as Father, Shepherd, Comforter, Christ.  But what if we're looking for the divine Comforter while the divine Challenger actually is on our case?  Or we're thinking we need the Fire of the Spirit to buck up our faltering spirits when God is trying to make the Water of grace available  through our own tears?  What if we're looking for divine Light and illumination when what's available is the divine Darkness in a 'cloud of unknowing'?"
--Robert Corin Morris
"Wrestling with Grace:  A Spirituality for the Rough Edges of Daily Life"

I read this quote about a week ago and it caught my attention.  I began to ponder what "new" name or image of God I should be adding to my storehouse.  Or perhaps worded another way, "What 'new' name or image of God does HE desire to add to my storehouse?

Personally, I am more comfortable with God as my Comforter than my Challenger, or God as my Light as opposed to Divine Darkness.  I am consistently looking to God to be my Security, my Stability in a world...in my world, which seems ever changing.  And I know that this is good and right and wise.  He should be my Security.  He should be the One in whom I find stability.  But what I am being challenged on in the words of Robert Corin Morris, is that He should  be more than that.  And quite frankly, that makes me feel a little uneasy.  At which time I run to my Security and bury my heart in His strength and ask Him to walk with me through the coming season.

Because I know that one is here.  A new season.

I met several days ago, a woman, whom I have asked to disciple me.  I have been praying and seeking a new Spiritual Director, as my previous one has felt she was unable to continue providing me direction.  And so I have patiently waited for His guidance in finding someone else to fill this particular role in my life.  The time spent with this woman held a strength and richness which has ignited a new sense of spiritual excitement.  But it was also apparent that her way of discipling would lead me onto a new fork in the road.  Herein lies an uneasiness as well.  No longer is the path clear in front of me the way I had mapped it out.  Now there are unknowns.  What will walking into this blank territory of my soul yield?  Is there a dormant part of my being that needs to be awakened?  Is there a weak part of my soul which needs to be made strong?    Yet I sense that God is mapping out this something new.  I sense holiness even amidst the quiet fear.  I wonder if just maybe, God does not have some new names or an image of Himself in mind, for me to add to my storehouse?

And so in His gentle strength, I will enter this new season, turn my soul into this fork in the road, and wait to hear the name He whispers in my ear.