Eucharisteo

I am devouring Ann Voskkamp's book, "One Thousand Gifts"--A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.

Extraordinary, life-changing, deeply moving, it has been for me.  Her theme, Eucharisteo has captured my attention.  Ann explains:  "Eucharisteo, it's the central theme of Christianity...Thanksgiving...We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks." 

My own desire to practically live this out is found in an open journal on my desk.  It's aptly named my "Eucharisteo Journal" and it's where I am writing in ink my own Eucharisteo...thanksgiving.

One of them today is recorded as "Sparkle Days".

Reverend Isabella Ross, a depression survivor in the book called, "Beyond Crazy--Journeys Through Mental" Illness by Julia Nunes and Scott Simmie, shares what I so closely resonate with.  Listen to her words:

"I will probably always know depression, but it surprises me, each time I am in recovery, how far off the depression can seem and how hard it is to recall the symptoms.  That, I imagine, is the blessing of health.  When you are sick, you can't imagine what it is like to be well; when you are well, you can't imagine that you were really sick.  And I appreciate so much when I am well.  To me, it means being able to live in the present, not being haunted by fear all the time, not having your mind overrun with negative thoughts.  It's feeling connected to other people.  Being well is not this great euphoria or happiness, it's sort of waking up in the morning and knowing what to expect.  When I'm well I think, 'If only I could stay like this for the rest of my life.'  But in reality, that has not been my experience.  Recovery is, the way I describe it, a few months of living in the light.  But you always hope.  You always have this hope that it might be for the rest of your life."

I find it so refreshing to read the words of another human being and feel like it's surfacing from my own skin.  I'm not sure that I would refer to my days of good emotional health as "recovery".  I more think of them as a reprieve.  A welcome reprieve from the battle within.  And at present, I'm living it.  A friend of mine appropriately named these days as "sparkle days".  It's as though my eyes are wide open...my soul and spirit awake to all that's around me....contentment encircling all of me.

And it makes me deeply grateful.  Brimming with thanksgiving.  Eucharisteo for these days of full life.

(The days when darker clouds roll in are also days of fullest life and having my mouth speak words of thanks, but this harder way of living out Eucharisteo is for another post.)

For now, my being is entrenched in this full life.



http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dca-books-english-tree&field-keywords=One+Thousand+Gifts+by+Ann+Voskamp


This truly is a must read!!!  It goes well beyond simple gratitude, but will take you to a depth of eucharisteo that will transform your life if you truly choose to live it out.

Reflections

You painted the sky for me tonight.
Brilliant hues of pink,
pastels of mauve, peach and baby blue.

You, in all Your glory.
And I know You did it for me
because it so sharply contrasts
the colours of my world.
I am enshrouded in the murky,
death-like grip of greys and black.

You calmed the wind for me tonight
so the lake was a shimmering
mirror to highlight Your painting.
You, in all Your power.
And I know You did it for me
because the waves that crash
into my soul day after day
have been relentless.

I wanted to ask You, oh Glorious One,
why You won't paint new colors in my life...
I wanted to ask You, the God whose power calms
the sea with just a word,
why You won't still the storm in me.
But, something in my spirit tells me
that tonight is not a night for questions...
It's a time for silence, awe and gratitude.
So thank You for giving me
the gift of tonight--
of seeing a majestic You.
I'll save my questions
for another night.
--Eden July 21, 2005
Juanita

The above prose was written five summers ago.  The breathtaking sunset was just a month ago.

I've reflected and given thanks many times these past six weeks for the gift of enjoying this year's summer season.  How grateful I am that God in His mercy has  painted new colors in my life; that the storm within has been calmed .

Living life five years ago was about survival....about struggling to believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel I was in.  It was a time in which I wondered if I would ever laugh again...ever taste the goodness of life that had been stripped away.  Gripping anxiety and torturous depression were my constant companions.

But He gave me incredible sunsets, among countless other gifts, to remind me of Who He was.

And today, I can laugh until it hurts, and fully engage in life's joyous goodness.  My spirit knows serenity, and my mind has gained peace.  I have even glimpsed the sovereign workings of my God throughout those years of suffering.  The unanswered questions remain in His safekeeping.

"What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?"
--Psalm 116:12

May  my life be an all encompassing response.

Romancing my Soul

God is romancing my soul.  I first read this phrase in a book, "Captivating--Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge.  Stasi talked about needing God to show her that He loved her, that she was worth fighting for.  When I read her words, I knew I needed romancing too.  I was in the midst of my darkest valley of depression, and I was desparate for any tangible sign that God was actually fighting for me...it certainly didn't feel like it!

I need romancing again.

It's been a week and a half of dark clouds again...some of them, eerily sinister.  And although 11 days doesn't sound very long, each 24 hour period is weighing on my spirit.  This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:
"God...this is not fun.  I feel tortured.  How do we get through this?  It feels sooooo hard, so overwhelming, so endless.  And yet we've done this all before countless times.  I know what to do.  I just keep inviting You into the torture and mindlessness of it all.  I want  you to show me You are here, but I know You are.  Everytime I see the cardinal... and hear him sing...out here on my bird feeder, I know You are here.  ThankYou for Your romances seeking to infiltrate this dreadful encasing of my being.  I need them.  I need You."

He is what I need.  It sounds simple...wait on Him...rest in Him...focus on Him.  But I don't find it simple.  It's painstaking work to" take every thought captive to Christ."( 2 Cor. 10:5)  It's a challenge not to become disheartened.  It's laborious to once again accept life as it is and adjust accordingly. 

But it's what I'm seeking after...His kingdom(Matthew 6:33)...which is so not like my kingdom.  It's where I desire the Holy Spirit to direct me..."into the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ."(2 Thessalonians3:5)  This is truly my heart's passion.

And He must be passionate about me, because His romancing of my soul stirs me, ever so slowly yet purposefully.

I'm ever grateful God.

Beyond Crazy

After all these years of struggling with depression, it still amazes me how I can be doing so well, and then completely flip upside down.  I understand, as much as I think it is possible to understand, what is going on in my mind and body, but it doesn't seem to lessen the complete bewilderment I feel, when the "switch" flips...one way or another.

Back in the summer/fall, I read this book, "Beyond Crazy--Journeys Through Mental Illness" by Julia Nunes and Scott Simmie.  Or shall I say, I devoured this book.  No medical explanations.  No therapeutic prescriptions.  No "when, why, what, how".  Just stories.  Authentic, heartbreaking, hope-filled stories.  Real people, with real journeys through mental illness.  And I loved it.  Because I felt understood.  And that's what I need today...someone to validate what it is I feel within.  So I leafed through a binder that is filled with poetry, quotes, and excerpts from all that is meaningful to me, and found pieces of stories that I had recorded from "Beyond Crazy". Like this one:

"On so many occasions, Valerie has attempted to describe to me what the torment is like; how it twists illogic into logic, how it is all-encompassing, all-pervasive.  She speaks of the hopeless void, the numbness, the fear of the unknown and the known, of being fearful when you are sad because it will never end, and fearful when you're happy because it will."  --Tom Morris(speaking on behalf of his wife, Valeria, bipolar survivor)

I so get the experience of this woman.  It makes sense to me...it's real to me, and  it validates that I am not alone.  Someone else has spoken "for me".  And today, in this moment, that's what I needed.