Reflections

You painted the sky for me tonight.
Brilliant hues of pink,
pastels of mauve, peach and baby blue.

You, in all Your glory.
And I know You did it for me
because it so sharply contrasts
the colours of my world.
I am enshrouded in the murky,
death-like grip of greys and black.

You calmed the wind for me tonight
so the lake was a shimmering
mirror to highlight Your painting.
You, in all Your power.
And I know You did it for me
because the waves that crash
into my soul day after day
have been relentless.

I wanted to ask You, oh Glorious One,
why You won't paint new colors in my life...
I wanted to ask You, the God whose power calms
the sea with just a word,
why You won't still the storm in me.
But, something in my spirit tells me
that tonight is not a night for questions...
It's a time for silence, awe and gratitude.
So thank You for giving me
the gift of tonight--
of seeing a majestic You.
I'll save my questions
for another night.
--Eden July 21, 2005
Juanita

The above prose was written five summers ago.  The breathtaking sunset was just a month ago.

I've reflected and given thanks many times these past six weeks for the gift of enjoying this year's summer season.  How grateful I am that God in His mercy has  painted new colors in my life; that the storm within has been calmed .

Living life five years ago was about survival....about struggling to believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel I was in.  It was a time in which I wondered if I would ever laugh again...ever taste the goodness of life that had been stripped away.  Gripping anxiety and torturous depression were my constant companions.

But He gave me incredible sunsets, among countless other gifts, to remind me of Who He was.

And today, I can laugh until it hurts, and fully engage in life's joyous goodness.  My spirit knows serenity, and my mind has gained peace.  I have even glimpsed the sovereign workings of my God throughout those years of suffering.  The unanswered questions remain in His safekeeping.

"What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?"
--Psalm 116:12

May  my life be an all encompassing response.

Courage Defined

I have the "Concise Roget's International Thesaurus  lying on the desk in front of me.  I am looking to see how the experts define courage.  Words and phrases such as "brave, face up to, meet head-on, go eye-ball-to-eyeball, not shrink from, bite the bullet, grapple with, march up to the canon's mouth", all intended to define courage.  However, if I were called upon to give a precise definition for courage, I would write in bold, capital letters, a name or two.  Because I know people who embody courage.  One such person is my daughter...

ASHLEY.

Perhaps many would not identify hers as a courageous spirit.  For many reasons...some explained and some unexplained, my daughter struggles with  monsters of fear, worry...anxiety.  Her mother's genes no doubt contribute. (Sorry Sweet Pea)  And this ugly life-threatening nut allergy she has been dealt, seeks to eke out the care-free spirit I so wish she could  enjoy.  Regardless of the reasons, she is faced with these demons.  It's part of her brokenness.  But unlike so many, it's not kept in hiding.  She wears it on her sleeve.  Which honestly, I think in itself is courageous.  So often, we seek to hide our broken parts, not wanting anyone to see the ways in which we limp through life.  But not my girl.  She chooses to express her ruminating thoughts, and paralyzing anxiety, and in so doing,  "grapples with" all that threatens to steal life away from her.

It is in her grappling, that I see courage defined.  Day in and day out, I witness her "marching up to the canon's mouth".  I watch her step out and try something new even though she is shaking inside.  I stand with her as she goes eye-ball-to-eyeball with her own version of "Fear Factor"...just eating period.  That which you consume by the mouthful without even thinking, she constantly must question, in order to protect her life.  The things that go" bump" in her life are many.  She has the choice to shrink from or to "not shrink from".  

She reminds me of a swimmer whose long distance course is always fraught with white-capped waves.  She is ever being buffetted by something, and just when her strokes get her over the next wave, another is right there seeking to pull her under.  But she keeps swimming.


I have my own choices in this.  There's the reality that my mother-heart is so recklessly torn by watching her struggle.  Those times when I hold her as tears stream down her tortured face, wrecks me so severely.  This is so not the life I envisioned for my daughter.  And so I focus on another here and now...the character trait of courage growing within her.  I remind her and encourage her as she forges on.  I take her with me to God's throne room requesting courage for "whatever may face her today".  I place myself strategically in the role of cheerleading her into the next white-capped waves.  And truly, I thank God for the priviledge of walking this journey with her.

My daughter still enjoys life, but there's no doubt that the waters are never still for long.  Everyone once and awhile, I am privy to witnessing a beautiful scene...a glorious carefree spirit.  I think I bask in it almost as much as she does.  Heaven will indeed be paradise for her. 

For now, she is to me...courage defined.