Lies and Truth

Sometimes it just takes a wise, caring person to peer into our souls and lovingly ask, "Is there some pain in there that requires healing.?"

That's what happened yesterday as I sat and talked with my Spiritual Director.  This morning, I sat and talked with God about the wound.  And I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about these conversations as I feel a sense of exposure in doing so.  But somehow I believe that is why I should express my thoughts.  To bring into the light what I keep hidden in the shadows.

I struggle with mental illness, specifically depression and anxiety.  That in and of itself is no secret.  The closet doors were opened many years ago and most who know me, are aware of this reality.  I am also on medication...one taken daily, as simply and easily as the vitamins I swallow.  I have few qualms about the necessity of this drug.  But the other med is taken only as needed and this is the one that has me in knots.  I take it only when the anxiety creeps in and starts messing up my mind and body.  And that's hard.  I take it based on my judgment and thus second guess myself constantly.

"I should be able to rise above this" 

"I should be able to talk myself through this"

"I should be able to experience God's peace"

"If I was a stronger person..."

This morning, I asked God to show me where my shame has come from, and as He did, I knew the only healing thing to do was to exchange the lies I have harbored within, for truth.

1. Lie:   Medication is for weak people.  Truth:  Medication is a gift from God and it enables me to cope with life in healthier ways.

2.  Lie:  One should be able to overcome anxiety and depression and thereby become acceptable.  Truth:  I am acceptable to God, otherwise He would never have made me His child(1 John 3:1)  Not everyone can overcome their mental illness, and it does not make me unacceptable if I don't.

3.  Lie:  If some individuals in the medical profession treat me like a loser, then I must be.  Truth:  God is for me! (Romans 8:31)  I cannot allow other people to dictate my worth!  His eyes are on me and He hears my cry(Psalm 34:15)  He is my refuge and I can always pour out my heart to Him(Psalm 62:8) 

4.  Lie:  I haven't prayed enough or tried hard enough or done all the right things, otherwise I would be free of this.  Truth:  Nothing is too difficult for God(Jeremiah 32:17) regardless of how often I have or haven't prayed.  Paul prayed for his thorn's removal and it wasn't.  God can heal if He chooses and ultimately it is dependent on Him and not me.

5.  Lie:  If I'm in the midst of a difficult season  it must be my fault and therefore could have been controlled by me.  Truth:  The one sure thing within my control is Who I will trust when I am anxious and depressed. (Psalm 31:14)  It doesn't have to be my fault every time my emotions go crazy. 

It is beautiful how naming lies and speaking truth can be so freeing and healing.  For me to name the lies and understand where they came from was one step.  But to attach truth...God's truth to the lie was powerful.  It unlocked the door that housed so much that was shameful and pain-filled and opened the well of abundance-- life-giving and life-sustaining.

It bears a resemblance to turning to the next chapter of a tumultuous story. The past will always be there and will no doubt threaten to haunt me at times, but there are fresh pages before me.  Pages which spell hope and freedom and healing and life.

Colossians 2:10 tells me, "In Him you have been made complete."  Can there be a more beautiful soul-filling truth for one who so often fights an inner battle within the confines of mental illness?!!!!

I think not.