It's a Forever Thing

Ever since my first babe was born I've had this heart "condition".  Often I am overwhelmed by the intensity of it.   And even though this firstborn has transitioned from this home to make his own, I continue to be a mother whose heart is forever exposed.

Elizabeth Stone puts my thoughts into a rich word picture.  She says,
"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

It's not as though I expected this to change when my son left home, but I am aware of how much he continues to have this hold on my mother-heart.


He called the other evening and I could immediately hear the tension in his voice.  He was being faced with yet another decision to make.  He has had an abundance of them the past few months, but this one called for an answer in a very short amount of time and it was weighing on him.  His frustration was noticeable as he lamented that there wasn't even time to pray through this, as it had been sprung on him just that day.  I tried to offer thoughts that would free him from any expectations he thought I might have in the final outcome.  This I hoped would make for a smoother passage way to settling it in his mind.  But it was clear that he was still burdened as to what path he should take.  I prayed with him and told him I would call back later in the evening to see what he had determined.

And throughout the conversation I could feel it happening again...this almost physical...deeply emotional pulsating of my heart strings.  Like life was being sucked out of my beating organ.  It's as though our "separation" in the delivery room that day was only partial.  He is still woven throughout my entire being.

The rest of the evening, even as I relinquished control of my son to God, I found that whatever I involved myself in, my heart continued to walk around outside of my body.

Three hours later I called and checked in with my boy.  This same boy who hours earlier was in an obvious struggle now answered the phone with a lilt in his voice as he easily shared his decision and the process by which he made it.  I listened, thinking to myself, "How is it that my heart has been oxygen deprived for the past 3 hours while you have not only resolved this in your heart, but have also been productively working for the last 1 1/2 hours?!!!"

And this is where it hits me..."it's a forever thing".  This heart-walking-around-outside-my-body-thing is terminal.  And that's okay.  It's what I signed up for...sort of...I really had no idea what life-altering decision I was making!

Last night he called and asked his Mama how to make butternut squash.  And I felt my heart walking around outside of my body again, but in that satisfying, easy breathing, smiling-kind-of-way.  Sigh.  I love these moments.

I love my children...achingly so at times.  I am filled and emptied, elated and deeply pained for these ones that I have birthed and the life journeys they are on.  And I am passionate about continuing to live out this momentous decision which means...

My heart will forever be walking around outside of my body.

Listening in Lent Day 5

I'm not sure why, but this is harder than I expected.  There seems this inclination to push off this time...always something else to do.  Or I am tired and I don't feel like quieting myself to actively listen--I just want to be quiet. 

I suppose I am as the disciples when Jesus asked them "just to wait" in the garden while He prayed.  They too were tired and self-focused...seemingly unaware of Jesus' intense grief.  And I find myself not wanting to be aware of the Words of my Father.  What an awful thing to admit.

"For Thy Name's sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity for it is great." 
Psalm 25:11

Right now I am re-reading a journal from July5/09 to Dec. 26/09

I have just read these words from the teaching of Ron Hallman..."I am tired because I didn't listen to His voice."  

The words sound simple and raise a question--Is this true?  Do my times of tiredness come from not listening to His voice?  It doesn't take me long to say, "yes".

I take time and expend energy listening to the voices in my head; the unspoken but perceived words and expectations of others.  I allow myself to be pulled in so many different directions.  And some are even good and noble acts of love and service for others.  But Jesus told busy Martha that Mary, who was sitting at His feet holding on to every word--she had chosen "the better part."

God sometimes I too want to be Mary at Your feet--there I find Your richest blessings.  For all those times when I am a harried and hurried Martha, forgive me and patiently wait for my tiredness to give way to listening.

To You.

Listening and Lent

Today is the first day of Lent and I have mixed emotions.  Probably because last year I started out all eager and excited for what this could mean for my soul. but I can't say that this continued.  In some ways, what I gave up became a "law" for me more than a place to invite God in. 

And that was what I was truly longing for...a fresh place to invite God into.

Maybe that is why this year I have chosen to practice Lent in a slightly different manner.  I suppose I am still "giving up" something, but I am looking at it more as a "taking in".

I am giving up a part of my day to just sit in the stillness and listen...to God.  This is a spiritual discipline that I practice now and then, but never for a length of time(40) days.

The "giving up" part could still become a law once again I realize.  After all, some days it won't seem possible to find those minutes to do "nothing" but listen.  And I am such a task oriented person that even on my best days, wrapping myself in the waiting-for-God-quiet is a challenge. 

Still, my soul has reaped the benefits of these precious moments with Holiness.  I know the movement of the Spirit within.  Which is why, despite last year's journey and the potential struggles of this year's, I am pressing into this new season of Lent, offering that still, small place for my God to speak His heart.

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."
            --Samuel

The Gatekeeper

Is this the way of life?  This trade-off between emptiness and fullness?  It seems prominent in my life lately.  This overall sense of tiredness and too many demands and an excess of burdens, to the point where I start feeling empty.  And then He comes into the barren chambers of my heart and fills me...again. 

I went to the house of God yesterday morning praying that He would have His way and move among us.  And oh the multitude of ways He was manifest.  We had traveled as a family to the commissioning service for my son and all those who will be embarking next weekend on the beginning of two new satellite church sites.  But to add to this excitement, was the blessing that our son was given to lead worship that morning.  I along with 1100 other people joined in praise and gratitude and homage to our God with our son leading us.  No one in that building has any idea what has transpired over the past 19 years for Cam to be at this place in his life.  No one could possibly house the depth of gratitude and awe we give to God for His intimate work in his life. 

Lunch and authentic fellowship followed back at Cam's home with he and two friends.  And I came home filled. 

For many reasons.

The sheer "pinch-me-can-this-be-real" feeling overcame me as I saw my son on that stage.  It filled me.

The words to the songs were "chosen" for the empty places in me...places where fears and the pain of life and the daily grind of life had begun to crowd out His life-giving presence.  The message of those songs filled me.

The spoken Word of God  met me in my hungering for truth.  The pastor was talking about "my place as a child of God".  One of those places is the rest I can find in His protection.

I so quickly grabbed on to these words.

"God is the Gatekeeper of all that happens to us.  That gate is called love."

Hebrews 13:6 says, "....we confidently say, 'The Lord is my Helper, I will not be afraid, What shall man do to me."  

I love that Jesus is my Gatekeeper of all that happens to me.  It is such a mystery at times, but strangely comforting also.  He has allowed tragedy in my life which I have no answer for, but yet He is the One I run to in these times of intense pain.

But the thought came to me that I need Jesus as a Gatekeeper in other ways as well.  I need Him to be the One who decides what I should allow into my life. 
I need to ask Him if that which has arrested my thoughts is from Him or the world. 
I need to ask Him if I should say "yes" to another commitment or "no".
I need to ask Him as my Gatekeeper to guard the pathways into my heart. 

And this too fills me.

I sooooo need "the Gatekeeper"

It's a new day...a new week.  I don't feel particularly energized or strong today.  I have no idea what is in store for me in the days ahead.  The week has the potential to be very busy.  Yet I know that the Gatekeeper is ever present and oh so able to protect and guide me as life unfolds.

Proverbs 31:28

It's my birthday!!!!

Our celebration was last evening so today I just enjoyed the memories

This was my start to our evening out...

.My husband scored big point when he brought these home for me.  And what's more?  The roses were cream with just a hint of pink...just like my wedding bouquet 20 years ago.  And he thought of that when he saw them!!!  Even more points!  Flowers steal my heart, so my birthday was "made" when I opened the packaging.

The three of us left to pick up Cam at his apartment and drove to a nearby restaurant for dinner out.

This was Cam's feast...AFTER the appetizer he and Ashley shared.  Sooooooooooo good to see my boy.  I am still missing him so spending time with him was a joy.  I loved hearing about his life...it is so full and exciting and I'm extremely thankful it's HIS life because I couldn't handle the stress.

This was my treat....66 carbs, but I didn't eat the ENTIRE potato.  Almost though:)  Oh, and dare I forget my side caesar to start.  Another  10 carbs.  Like I said...my treat:)

Lots of stories to share...some side-splitting laughter...my children getting along.  Perfect, just absolutely perfect.

"Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her..."
Proverbs 31:28

It might appear rather lofty of me to quote this verse, but I share it with utmost gratitude and humility.

Last night I felt blessed...truly blessed by my family.

Not just because we spent time together and they celebrated me and gave me gifts I appreciate and cards filled with words that touch me.  Oh yes, blessed by their tangible acts of love.  But it's more. 

There is this very real sense that that my children bless me.  Despite my imperfections and untold failures as their mother, somehow I am still the recipient of their blessing. 

And my husband?  I can never remember a time when he has not adorned me with blessing and praise. 

And so hear I am, at 47, living... the incredible experience of being a woman of blessing.

Grateful.









 

The End of the Day

I'm not sure I should be writing at this point in my day...especially today.  I am very tired, wearing a tension headache and somewhat hormonal.  (Oh my, did I just say that on my blog?!!)

Having just divulged the above information, the reality is that I'm probably not in a very good frame of mind.  A little overwhelmed with some of life.  More specifically my insulin pump.

About four weeks ago I started wearing a sensor.  It is also inserted into my abdomen and sends readings (of the amount of sugar in interstitial fluid) to my pump every 5 minutes.  A sensor lasts for 6 days and I am then able to upload all the information on my computer and look at patterns, etc.  My health care provider uses my password and then can also view the information. 

It is now confirmed.  I am not a graph person.  I am not a chart person.  I am not a "% of the pie" person.  Period!!!!  I get stressed just looking at all these numbers and lines and colors!!!  I know this is supposed to help me, but I'm not sure that it does.  I would much rather just look at the numbers I write down 6 or more times a day and go from there. 

In addition, I am trying to make some of the changes on my pump myself before I talk to my health care provider.  It's how I learn.  I don't make drastic changes, but they still seem big to me.  Or rather, the process of trying to discern what I should change is what I find difficult.  Because there are so many factors involved. 

Including the sensor I am wearing, I only have two more to go.  They are $50 each and not covered by any health plan, so it's only temporary anyway.    I will survive.  But trust me, this regimen is not good for someone who is a recovering control freak!!!  I am obsessed with my numbers right now.   We're going away for part of the weekend which always means higher blood sugars (restaurant meals and different routine)  and it's already weighing on me.

Sigh.

I think I need to say "good night" and watch Idol :)

A Patchwork Quilt of Sorts

I have been pushing off blogging the past week because I haven't been able to pull together all that has been unfolding in my life. 

A patchwork quilt is perhaps the best way to describe the pieces of life that are covering me.  Patches of beauty, excitement, celebration, letting go, God-breathing moments, purposeful steps, courage...
It's not clear how each piece will be sewn together or what it will all look like one day, but the great Designer is so evidently at work. 

There is an abundance of celebration in my son's life recently.  I see God's hand all over him and feel I can hardly keep up with His pace.  Cam's recent hiring has a Worship Pastor(part time) at a new church plant in the city he lives in, has been an over-the-top ministry opportunity.  I think Brian and I are still pinching ourselves...Cam probably is too:)    But more than this particular aspect in his life, is just the overall way in which I watch my son seek God.  I mean....HE...SEEKS....GOD.  He waits and listens and pursues and studies His Word and intensely seeks to live the Word.  I am humbled at the depth of His soul.

And I miss him.  I miss my boy and knowing the daily happenings in his life.  I miss sitting in our upstairs hallway talking, because that was the place he chose to spill his heart and I could hardly breathe because I knew this was another memory-making excerpt of time that I would cherish one day.  Like today.  I watch him building his own life...a glorious God-filled life...and I am rejoicing and mourning simultaneously.

I am basking in the pleasure of still being an integral part of my daughter's life.  I listen to her soul as it comes tumbling out with all of its angst and fears and dreams and questions and 16-year-old-almost-daily crisis of some fashion(actually often it is about fashion:)  I love being that set of ears that she so freely spills "life" to.  I love being privy to the Spirit-movements in her heart and knowing...deeply knowing that God "is on the loose".

It's almost time.  Time to fling open the shutters of a window into a beautiful ministry God has been birthing.   I so wish I could say more, and I suppose I could, but I will wait just a little while longer.  Bursting at the seams is what I am and can hardly wait to share God's gift to me...for others.

God's Spirit is alive and well.  This has become more and more evident to me these past few weeks.  I have been privileged to have a "front row seat" to the work of God in a dear friend's life.  For a brief time I felt a little "on the outside" of the intimacy she was enjoying with Him.  But soon I was being called by the Spirit to more intentional times of listening and waiting and quiet and trust and belief--- to the place where now  we are joining together in whatever this is that God is doing.    It is wildly exciting and awakening so much in me...calling me to be courageous and hope-filled. 

Like I said, there are a myriad of patches making up my life right now.  I don't understand how each piece fits together but I don't feel I need to.  I am resting in Him and humbled to be a part of His design.

A Prayer for Everyday

"O God,
I seem to spend my whole life wanting to rush ahead.
I'm always thinking of tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
I'm always wishing time would hurry by.

I'm seldom here,
right here,
in this moment,
at this time,
being part of what is around me...

Perhaps that's why I find it hard to connect with you, O God, because connecting with you is a here-and-now thing:  and I'm never now--I'm always in the future.

Help me to be here in the present.
Help me to enjoy this very moment.

Remind me that the abundant life you offer is now.  
Remind me that tomorrow will take care of itself and that today is all I have.

Let me enjoy my journey today.  Wash away from my mind all thoughts about what I'd rather be doing or where I'd rather be at this moment.  Take away the urge to push time forward.  Help me to sit back and to simply be."
--Patricia Wilson
"Quiet Spaces"

It's been one of those days where this prayer echoes my heart and the hours I've rushed through.  Tomorrow there will be new mercies awaiting as I climb out of bed.  For now, I rest in Him who overwhelms my broken ways with His wholeness.

Growing Ever So Slowly

"People who are in an active growth process can expect to change.
Sometimes it seems as though they shed their old skin,
almost becoming different people,
or perhaps they just become more profoundly themselves to shine.
They give up control and find in themselves new flexibility.
They may discover their strength, resiliency, or artistry.
They give up singing old dirges and risk living in a new key."
--Tilda Norberg
"Gathered Together"

Oh how I long to shed my old skin.

This uncluttering of my soul is such a slow process.  It is happening, and I relish those moments when I am so completely at home in God's presence without a care or agenda.  But it seems a snail's pace so often.  One step forward and two steps back it feels.


So be it.  This is the nature of the human heart and certainly the way of mine.  However halting the pace may be, I'm grateful to be walking this pathway home to Him.

Surrendering ...in 2012

Yesterday was my first day back to routine since Christmas.  I decided that since my daughter was still on holidays last week, that I would take my version of a holiday.  And just for the record, I only slept 45 minutes longer in the morning, unlike the 12:00 noon of my daughter:) 

I threw myself into uncluttering my home, and although some would find it a stretch to call that a holiday, it was such a satisfying, freeing task; one which I enjoyed immensely.  I have made several trips to second hand stores, and sorted through much paper for recycling.  I am slowly clearing out the rooms of my home. 

Surrendering comes into the picture as I continue to have God unclutter my soul.  I am so grateful for the Spirit's moving in me as I recognize those places which need to be handed over to Him.

I came across a powerful prayer of surrendering the new year.  The words have gripped me, and although I cannot authentically pray it through, I so desire to get to that place where I can.

"God, in this new year,
may I no longer be my own but yours.
Put me to what you will;
rank me with whom you will.
Put me to doing; put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for you or laid aside for you,
exalted for you or brought low for you.
Let me be full; let me be empty.
Let me have all things; let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, O glorious and blessed God--
Creator, Redeemer, Inspirer--
you are mine, and I am yours.
May this promise that I hereby make on earth
be ratified in heaven.
Amen."
--W. Paul Jones
"An Eclectic Almanac for the Faithful"

Do you see what I mean by powerful?? 

And yes, excruciatingly difficult to mouth such words, but oh how freeing it would be to live in such surrender to the Holy One!!

And I crave that freedom!!!

Holding on, grasping for control is binding, and yet so often it is how I live. 

But I have been more aware the past week and a half, of people, places or things which need to be surrendered.  And as I release the burdens, cast on Him the worries, and let go of impossible expectations, I am experiencing peace. 

You might have noticed that I titled this post "Surrendering...in 2012".  It's not as though I have surrendered the next 365 days all in one lump sum.  "There you go , God...it's all yours."

No...I think it's more of an ongoing surrendering...a process.  And some of it is hard work...I'm not always able to hand it over easily.  But as He reveals that which is better left in His hands, I am seeking the path of surrender, and welcoming the freedom of resting in Him.

"God, in this new year,
may I practice surrendering 
all that comes my way."

An Uncluttered Heart and Home

This is my desire, purpose, hope...for the coming  year.

I do hesitate to boldly state such a "resolution".  That which is screaming loudly at me right now, may be overtaken by something else months from now.  Still, the present is where I live, and it is clearly the place where God is asking me start 2012.

In many ways I find it frustrating to have finished off the past year, and see how cluttered all of me had become.  Coming from a person who strives to hear God's voice throughout the day, I wonder how I could have strayed.  And yet, yes, I am fully human...broken, and often self-inclined.  So why should I be surprised?!!

Gratefully, it is a new year, full of so much hope.  I don't say that  nonchalantly either.  I have crawled into many a new year, with very little hope.  But this year seems to hold a freshness within it, and I anticipate God-with-me in the unfolding days.

It was His Spirit (through words from my son) that has challenged me to unclutter my heart, and yes, my home as well.  Until the past week, some of the clutter in my heart had gone unnoticed.  The way in which my love for God has been replaced by affections for other things, in some of the corners of my heart.  The way I had begun to succumb to voices other than His to direct some of my daily decisions.  The pseudo rest I had settled for in my life, the excess amounts of worry and self-analyzing, the ways in which I had failed to allow His truth to permeate the lies.  Oh...so much clutter which cut of my freedom to live fully!

Then there's my home.  Perhaps some fail to see how closely these two are connected.  I have often said that my home is an extension of me.  It truly is.  And though I usually think of this in positive terms, in this case, some of the clutter in my home reflects the clutter of my heart.  Oh, it's not seen by the average eye.  (That's often the way with the heart as well).  There are drawers and closets, and storage areas that continue to collect, and very much need to be purged.  It does bother me...the clutter behind closed doors.  It has been quietly  affecting me in even somewhat claustrophobic ways.  Perhaps because I know that to a large extent, all of "this" could be donated to second hand stores and actually be used by someone.   Oh, and the desire and need to simplify (aka) unclutter, is so necessary within my home.  Sigh.

I'm not going to lament all of the above, or browbeat myself for what is now at the forefront of my mind.  This is the time to unclutter.  This is the time to open wide my heart for God to do His work in me...and my home.  And because the time is here, I am more than ready to embark.  In fact, I have already begun uncluttering these past few days.  A slow, but steady process lies ahead. 

"O God of Second Chances
and New Beginnings,
     Here I am again."
--Nancy Spiegelberg