Slowly

The days are slowly improving.  Sigh.  They always do, but it doesn't make the interim any easier to endure. 

I have given myself "permission" to take care of me which requires saying "no" to anything extra and giving my empty tank time to be filled.  It does appear to be a cycle for me...this emptying and coming unglued "thing" followed by the quieter days of refilling. 

I question if this is my fault.   Perhaps I am not attentive enough to the gauge running close to empty.  I suppose I could try and analyze it all, but I don't know that it is a wise use of my energy.  It is what it is. 

Last evening I read Colossians 2:10 for the 100th time I think.

"In Him you have been made complete." 

I crave the living, breathing reality of these words. 

To live without the yardstick to measure up my life.

To live knowing that the "enough" is covered by Him.

To live content with who I am as a fallible human.

This is my prayer.

Listening in Lent Day 13

When I began this practice of listening I struggled to set aside the time.  Now, almost two weeks into Lent, it is becoming life-giving.

The days have been challenging for me emotionally.  In times likes these I am always finding myself wanting for God's peace and rest and hope.  And so I press into Him in a desperate search for relief.  But it is not always to be found.  Often it is a refocusing that He asks of me.

Several years ago I read a book aptly titled , "Being Well When You're Ill" by Marva J. Dawn.  It was timely for me then, and is again as I read some of the quotes I penned in a journal during that period of shadows.
 
Marva proposes:

"Instead of asking 'why'? we need to ask different questions.  

'What?' and 'Where'?

'What is God doing in the midst of this?' 

'Where do I catch glimpses of the Trinity's grace?'

'Rather than leaning upon our own abilities to figure out a meaning for ourselves, could we humbly learn to rest in the love that the Trinity pours into us?'"

Reading her words spurred me to write out my heart's responses revealing glimpses of the Trinity's grace.

For today those glimpses are enough.

Enough

"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
and all I have in You is more than enough."
--Chris Tomlin
"Enough"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW-toYBiF8o 

Enough?

I'm tired as I punch the keys of my computer.  Tired physically and emotionally and spiritually.  I am tired of living in this threesome fatigue.  I look at others(the comparison game is one of my most compulsive sins) and see what they are able to accomplish within their busy and sometimes chaotic lives, and I am mystified why I am seemingly unable to cope with my itty bitty life.

I am a stay-at-home Mom with one already having left the nest and a 16 year old in school all day.  I figure I should have a feast of hours in my days/week in order to keep the plates spinning.  But I am always feeling like what I do is never enough.  Like I just can't keep up.

Last evening the turmoil within was suffocating.  My mind would flit from one "I should do this" to another"I should be doing that"  I am just so tired of this internal war that I fight so often.  Why can't there be a cease-fire in my brain????  Tonight the same fight is on.

It seems as though for a period of time I experience relative calm in my inner life and the other half of the time I spend arguing with the voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. 
I don't work hard enough,
do enough,
pray enough,
have faith enough,
be strong enough...

And I am just so tired of fighting the "not enough lies".  Because they are lies. 

Aren't they?

But that is part of the problem.  I struggle to discern the lies from the truth.  I look at the life of Jesus and long for a life that is so beautifully purposed and sure.  When faced with the needs of people he knows exactly how to respond.  Sometimes the needs are met immediately, sometimes he waits for days, when humanly speaking all hope is lost.  Clearly, Jesus did not meet everyone's needs...not even close.  And because He was the God-man He knew what was "enough".  One never hears Jesus saying, "I wonder if I should touch this person's pain?"  or, "I wonder if it's okay for me to say 'no' and take care of my own body and soul?"  When He was tired He went to sleep...even when the storm was raging.  When He needed to be alone with His Father, He went off by Himself to a quiet place.

But I truly don't know when or if I have done "enough".  And as much as I ask Him I just don't get a response that details how or when or if I should respond.

And I have no clue how or if I can ever get to a place of peace with all the "enoughs".

Except that tonight I have written enough. 

It's time go to crawl up under some blankets with my Bible and a journal and just be with Him as I am.  

It's a Forever Thing

Ever since my first babe was born I've had this heart "condition".  Often I am overwhelmed by the intensity of it.   And even though this firstborn has transitioned from this home to make his own, I continue to be a mother whose heart is forever exposed.

Elizabeth Stone puts my thoughts into a rich word picture.  She says,
"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

It's not as though I expected this to change when my son left home, but I am aware of how much he continues to have this hold on my mother-heart.


He called the other evening and I could immediately hear the tension in his voice.  He was being faced with yet another decision to make.  He has had an abundance of them the past few months, but this one called for an answer in a very short amount of time and it was weighing on him.  His frustration was noticeable as he lamented that there wasn't even time to pray through this, as it had been sprung on him just that day.  I tried to offer thoughts that would free him from any expectations he thought I might have in the final outcome.  This I hoped would make for a smoother passage way to settling it in his mind.  But it was clear that he was still burdened as to what path he should take.  I prayed with him and told him I would call back later in the evening to see what he had determined.

And throughout the conversation I could feel it happening again...this almost physical...deeply emotional pulsating of my heart strings.  Like life was being sucked out of my beating organ.  It's as though our "separation" in the delivery room that day was only partial.  He is still woven throughout my entire being.

The rest of the evening, even as I relinquished control of my son to God, I found that whatever I involved myself in, my heart continued to walk around outside of my body.

Three hours later I called and checked in with my boy.  This same boy who hours earlier was in an obvious struggle now answered the phone with a lilt in his voice as he easily shared his decision and the process by which he made it.  I listened, thinking to myself, "How is it that my heart has been oxygen deprived for the past 3 hours while you have not only resolved this in your heart, but have also been productively working for the last 1 1/2 hours?!!!"

And this is where it hits me..."it's a forever thing".  This heart-walking-around-outside-my-body-thing is terminal.  And that's okay.  It's what I signed up for...sort of...I really had no idea what life-altering decision I was making!

Last night he called and asked his Mama how to make butternut squash.  And I felt my heart walking around outside of my body again, but in that satisfying, easy breathing, smiling-kind-of-way.  Sigh.  I love these moments.

I love my children...achingly so at times.  I am filled and emptied, elated and deeply pained for these ones that I have birthed and the life journeys they are on.  And I am passionate about continuing to live out this momentous decision which means...

My heart will forever be walking around outside of my body.

Listening in Lent Day 5

I'm not sure why, but this is harder than I expected.  There seems this inclination to push off this time...always something else to do.  Or I am tired and I don't feel like quieting myself to actively listen--I just want to be quiet. 

I suppose I am as the disciples when Jesus asked them "just to wait" in the garden while He prayed.  They too were tired and self-focused...seemingly unaware of Jesus' intense grief.  And I find myself not wanting to be aware of the Words of my Father.  What an awful thing to admit.

"For Thy Name's sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity for it is great." 
Psalm 25:11

Right now I am re-reading a journal from July5/09 to Dec. 26/09

I have just read these words from the teaching of Ron Hallman..."I am tired because I didn't listen to His voice."  

The words sound simple and raise a question--Is this true?  Do my times of tiredness come from not listening to His voice?  It doesn't take me long to say, "yes".

I take time and expend energy listening to the voices in my head; the unspoken but perceived words and expectations of others.  I allow myself to be pulled in so many different directions.  And some are even good and noble acts of love and service for others.  But Jesus told busy Martha that Mary, who was sitting at His feet holding on to every word--she had chosen "the better part."

God sometimes I too want to be Mary at Your feet--there I find Your richest blessings.  For all those times when I am a harried and hurried Martha, forgive me and patiently wait for my tiredness to give way to listening.

To You.

Listening and Lent

Today is the first day of Lent and I have mixed emotions.  Probably because last year I started out all eager and excited for what this could mean for my soul. but I can't say that this continued.  In some ways, what I gave up became a "law" for me more than a place to invite God in. 

And that was what I was truly longing for...a fresh place to invite God into.

Maybe that is why this year I have chosen to practice Lent in a slightly different manner.  I suppose I am still "giving up" something, but I am looking at it more as a "taking in".

I am giving up a part of my day to just sit in the stillness and listen...to God.  This is a spiritual discipline that I practice now and then, but never for a length of time(40) days.

The "giving up" part could still become a law once again I realize.  After all, some days it won't seem possible to find those minutes to do "nothing" but listen.  And I am such a task oriented person that even on my best days, wrapping myself in the waiting-for-God-quiet is a challenge. 

Still, my soul has reaped the benefits of these precious moments with Holiness.  I know the movement of the Spirit within.  Which is why, despite last year's journey and the potential struggles of this year's, I am pressing into this new season of Lent, offering that still, small place for my God to speak His heart.

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."
            --Samuel

The Gatekeeper

Is this the way of life?  This trade-off between emptiness and fullness?  It seems prominent in my life lately.  This overall sense of tiredness and too many demands and an excess of burdens, to the point where I start feeling empty.  And then He comes into the barren chambers of my heart and fills me...again. 

I went to the house of God yesterday morning praying that He would have His way and move among us.  And oh the multitude of ways He was manifest.  We had traveled as a family to the commissioning service for my son and all those who will be embarking next weekend on the beginning of two new satellite church sites.  But to add to this excitement, was the blessing that our son was given to lead worship that morning.  I along with 1100 other people joined in praise and gratitude and homage to our God with our son leading us.  No one in that building has any idea what has transpired over the past 19 years for Cam to be at this place in his life.  No one could possibly house the depth of gratitude and awe we give to God for His intimate work in his life. 

Lunch and authentic fellowship followed back at Cam's home with he and two friends.  And I came home filled. 

For many reasons.

The sheer "pinch-me-can-this-be-real" feeling overcame me as I saw my son on that stage.  It filled me.

The words to the songs were "chosen" for the empty places in me...places where fears and the pain of life and the daily grind of life had begun to crowd out His life-giving presence.  The message of those songs filled me.

The spoken Word of God  met me in my hungering for truth.  The pastor was talking about "my place as a child of God".  One of those places is the rest I can find in His protection.

I so quickly grabbed on to these words.

"God is the Gatekeeper of all that happens to us.  That gate is called love."

Hebrews 13:6 says, "....we confidently say, 'The Lord is my Helper, I will not be afraid, What shall man do to me."  

I love that Jesus is my Gatekeeper of all that happens to me.  It is such a mystery at times, but strangely comforting also.  He has allowed tragedy in my life which I have no answer for, but yet He is the One I run to in these times of intense pain.

But the thought came to me that I need Jesus as a Gatekeeper in other ways as well.  I need Him to be the One who decides what I should allow into my life. 
I need to ask Him if that which has arrested my thoughts is from Him or the world. 
I need to ask Him if I should say "yes" to another commitment or "no".
I need to ask Him as my Gatekeeper to guard the pathways into my heart. 

And this too fills me.

I sooooo need "the Gatekeeper"

It's a new day...a new week.  I don't feel particularly energized or strong today.  I have no idea what is in store for me in the days ahead.  The week has the potential to be very busy.  Yet I know that the Gatekeeper is ever present and oh so able to protect and guide me as life unfolds.

Proverbs 31:28

It's my birthday!!!!

Our celebration was last evening so today I just enjoyed the memories

This was my start to our evening out...

.My husband scored big point when he brought these home for me.  And what's more?  The roses were cream with just a hint of pink...just like my wedding bouquet 20 years ago.  And he thought of that when he saw them!!!  Even more points!  Flowers steal my heart, so my birthday was "made" when I opened the packaging.

The three of us left to pick up Cam at his apartment and drove to a nearby restaurant for dinner out.

This was Cam's feast...AFTER the appetizer he and Ashley shared.  Sooooooooooo good to see my boy.  I am still missing him so spending time with him was a joy.  I loved hearing about his life...it is so full and exciting and I'm extremely thankful it's HIS life because I couldn't handle the stress.

This was my treat....66 carbs, but I didn't eat the ENTIRE potato.  Almost though:)  Oh, and dare I forget my side caesar to start.  Another  10 carbs.  Like I said...my treat:)

Lots of stories to share...some side-splitting laughter...my children getting along.  Perfect, just absolutely perfect.

"Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her..."
Proverbs 31:28

It might appear rather lofty of me to quote this verse, but I share it with utmost gratitude and humility.

Last night I felt blessed...truly blessed by my family.

Not just because we spent time together and they celebrated me and gave me gifts I appreciate and cards filled with words that touch me.  Oh yes, blessed by their tangible acts of love.  But it's more. 

There is this very real sense that that my children bless me.  Despite my imperfections and untold failures as their mother, somehow I am still the recipient of their blessing. 

And my husband?  I can never remember a time when he has not adorned me with blessing and praise. 

And so hear I am, at 47, living... the incredible experience of being a woman of blessing.

Grateful.









 

The End of the Day

I'm not sure I should be writing at this point in my day...especially today.  I am very tired, wearing a tension headache and somewhat hormonal.  (Oh my, did I just say that on my blog?!!)

Having just divulged the above information, the reality is that I'm probably not in a very good frame of mind.  A little overwhelmed with some of life.  More specifically my insulin pump.

About four weeks ago I started wearing a sensor.  It is also inserted into my abdomen and sends readings (of the amount of sugar in interstitial fluid) to my pump every 5 minutes.  A sensor lasts for 6 days and I am then able to upload all the information on my computer and look at patterns, etc.  My health care provider uses my password and then can also view the information. 

It is now confirmed.  I am not a graph person.  I am not a chart person.  I am not a "% of the pie" person.  Period!!!!  I get stressed just looking at all these numbers and lines and colors!!!  I know this is supposed to help me, but I'm not sure that it does.  I would much rather just look at the numbers I write down 6 or more times a day and go from there. 

In addition, I am trying to make some of the changes on my pump myself before I talk to my health care provider.  It's how I learn.  I don't make drastic changes, but they still seem big to me.  Or rather, the process of trying to discern what I should change is what I find difficult.  Because there are so many factors involved. 

Including the sensor I am wearing, I only have two more to go.  They are $50 each and not covered by any health plan, so it's only temporary anyway.    I will survive.  But trust me, this regimen is not good for someone who is a recovering control freak!!!  I am obsessed with my numbers right now.   We're going away for part of the weekend which always means higher blood sugars (restaurant meals and different routine)  and it's already weighing on me.

Sigh.

I think I need to say "good night" and watch Idol :)

A Patchwork Quilt of Sorts

I have been pushing off blogging the past week because I haven't been able to pull together all that has been unfolding in my life. 

A patchwork quilt is perhaps the best way to describe the pieces of life that are covering me.  Patches of beauty, excitement, celebration, letting go, God-breathing moments, purposeful steps, courage...
It's not clear how each piece will be sewn together or what it will all look like one day, but the great Designer is so evidently at work. 

There is an abundance of celebration in my son's life recently.  I see God's hand all over him and feel I can hardly keep up with His pace.  Cam's recent hiring has a Worship Pastor(part time) at a new church plant in the city he lives in, has been an over-the-top ministry opportunity.  I think Brian and I are still pinching ourselves...Cam probably is too:)    But more than this particular aspect in his life, is just the overall way in which I watch my son seek God.  I mean....HE...SEEKS....GOD.  He waits and listens and pursues and studies His Word and intensely seeks to live the Word.  I am humbled at the depth of His soul.

And I miss him.  I miss my boy and knowing the daily happenings in his life.  I miss sitting in our upstairs hallway talking, because that was the place he chose to spill his heart and I could hardly breathe because I knew this was another memory-making excerpt of time that I would cherish one day.  Like today.  I watch him building his own life...a glorious God-filled life...and I am rejoicing and mourning simultaneously.

I am basking in the pleasure of still being an integral part of my daughter's life.  I listen to her soul as it comes tumbling out with all of its angst and fears and dreams and questions and 16-year-old-almost-daily crisis of some fashion(actually often it is about fashion:)  I love being that set of ears that she so freely spills "life" to.  I love being privy to the Spirit-movements in her heart and knowing...deeply knowing that God "is on the loose".

It's almost time.  Time to fling open the shutters of a window into a beautiful ministry God has been birthing.   I so wish I could say more, and I suppose I could, but I will wait just a little while longer.  Bursting at the seams is what I am and can hardly wait to share God's gift to me...for others.

God's Spirit is alive and well.  This has become more and more evident to me these past few weeks.  I have been privileged to have a "front row seat" to the work of God in a dear friend's life.  For a brief time I felt a little "on the outside" of the intimacy she was enjoying with Him.  But soon I was being called by the Spirit to more intentional times of listening and waiting and quiet and trust and belief--- to the place where now  we are joining together in whatever this is that God is doing.    It is wildly exciting and awakening so much in me...calling me to be courageous and hope-filled. 

Like I said, there are a myriad of patches making up my life right now.  I don't understand how each piece fits together but I don't feel I need to.  I am resting in Him and humbled to be a part of His design.