Gratitude's Melody

Four days

four days of the richest of music

each note full and joyous

an overflow of

intense 

beauty and depth 

a melody of gratitude

that I continue to sing 

over and over again

in my soul

It's been almost two weeks now

since Brian and I flew out of province

for a long overdue visit

with my dear sister and her partner

and 

a reunion of souls

with special friends

Twenty-five years have come and gone

since I had a glimpse of my sister's

day-to-day life

She's come "home" countless times

but I have not ventured her way

for many reasons

But time was erased 

as I drank in

each minute of sharing in the

music of life which

makes up her song

I cherish the memories

of our time together

************************************************************

The initial purpose of our trip

was an invitation from our long-time friends/

and former pastor and his wife

Alan and Cindy

Alan was an integral part of Brian's journey of faith

and invited him to share his story with the 

community he pastors

I never tire of hearing of my husband's

path to faith in Jesus Christ

How beautiful and fitting

that close to 10 individuals

gave their lives to Jesus

following his testimony

Brian and I thoroughly

relished our moments with our friends

There is something 

simple

and yet

deeply rich and satisfying

about our friendship

Simply...

we share a love of God

and the song that intertwines

our conversation

is a melody

which lingers long past our visit

The Spirit led me this week

to a time of reflection on gratitude

Our time away seemed a 

prelude to a focused time of thanksgiving.

Less than two weeks remain

of a summer that has once again

breezed past

In a myriad of ways 

it was not the summer I had envisioned

There was more "hard" in it than I desired

more challenge and pain 

than I was prepared for

But God met me

in the minor notes of music 

and 

the major pieces of song

These fading days of summer

afford me an opportunity

to tune my heart

to gratitude

to the One

who knows

the entire melody

An Excerpt from Eden on July 24/14

If only I could bottle this up

and take it home

This Eden-like trance of

serenity and rest

Here

the expectations are few

Here

the pressures of life virtually non-existent

Here

stress rarely surfaces

But back home...

pressures seem to mount with 

phone calls, email and text messages

Expectations

mostly from myself

loom mountainous

and

stress so often has a choke hold

on my living of life

It all feels more so these past months

I think because life has shown itself

uncertain

unstable

which has left me

insecure

threatened

A collage of physical and emotional ill health

in some I love

at times within myself

Crisis shakes normalacy

Planned and unplanned change...

Loss

in the lives of many

Situations which call upon me to confront 

one of my greatest enemies...

fear

All of this

pasted to the walls of my everyday life

and I have found myself

wanting for steadiness...

surety

My Spiritual Director would say that 

God is dismantling my earthly kingdom

one 

stone

at

a

time

I believe this

I'm even at the place where I desire it

Why?

Because I long for a rock solid foundation

a security which stablilizes me

in spite of the constant upheaval in life

The Psalms are filled with countless times where 

God is referred to as a

Rock

Refuge

Fortress

Stronghold

Habitation

our Strength

As He dismantles my earthly kingdom

He leads me to His heavenly one

I will always and only

be safe in Him

I know this

He alone can be my place of refuge

in the storms of life  Psalm 46:1

He alone never changes  Hebrews 13:9

He alone is my stronghold  Psalm 48:3

He alone is my Rock and Fortress  Psalm 31:3

He alone is my Strength  Psalm 18:1

And my only hope

of ever living life with

peace and security

is to follow the Psalmists example--

"I have set the Lord continually before me;

because He is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad,

and my glory rejoices;

my flesh will also dwell securely."

--Psalm 16:8,9

 

Moments of Eucharisteo

Eucharisteo=Thanksgiving

God's merciful protection day after day

summer

cottage living

sleeping in

when my soul is at rest

rereading "Somewhere More Holy" by Tony Woodlief

Ashley enjoying some good days this week

strength for the journey

fresh rhubarb

being reminded I am complete in Christ--Colossians 2

being inspired by others

miraculous recovery from brain surgery for my sister-in-law

the beautiful power of prayer

at rest in the mystery of God...today

flowers

"The Rest of God" by Mark Buchanan

bed sheets on the washline

supper on the deck with my hubby

yummy marinade for pork chops on bbq

rhubarb muffins

so many graces from God

anti-anxiety medication

sleeping with the windows open

celebrating Ashley's 19th birthday

lavender vanilla candle scent

taking thoughts captive to Christ--2 Corinthians 10:5

$ to buy groceries...always

laughter

new mercies each morning

my bed 

the anticipation of celebrating Cam and Sonya's 2nd anniversary next week

watching Cam care for his wife

hearing the Spirit's voice

the timely power of God's Word

In The Quiet

"When we stop the music of our life to enter solitude

we sit down right where we are at that moment,

and that's where we meet God.

We meet God in our

present delight

or our present sadness.

We meet God in the tears of our life

and the laughter of our life.

We meet God in our most unnerving questions

and in the answers we are celebrating.

No matter where we are on any given day,

when the music stops

and everything gets quiet,

we sit down right where we are

and allow ourselves to be there

with him."

--Invitation to Solitude and Silance"

Ruth Haley Barton

What a gift I have each day

as I sit at His feet

in the quiet of my home

to be with Him.

God continues to grace my days

with deeper moments of awareness

of places of
fear 

mistrust

insecurity

worry

Even the strong conviction

of my lack of genuine repentance

has been a beautiful

grace from Him

How He continues to sweep over me with

the powerful words of Isaiah 30:15

"In repentance and rest you shall be saved,

In quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

Deeper and deeper He is taking me

revealing the intertwining

of repentance

rest

quietness

and trust

And in the quietness
His challenge 

lovingly haunts me...

"...but you would have none of it."

I can see more clearly now

how my repentance

is only skin deep--

"just until I get through the crisis"

So quickly I begin to rationalize,

impulsively climbing the ladder of 

over extending myself

again

Why?

Because my identity

is tangled throughout

my giving

and compassion

and encouragement

and mercy

Because this

"messiah complex"

feeds my emptiness

Because I mistrust God's

faithful care in the lives of others

And so this is where I

sit with God right now...

in the midst of the 

messy places in my soul

Yet still He meets me here!

In the quiet
 ever so slowly
I am being transformed
by Him

 

Called to Rest

Soon...

this is where I will be...

my beloved Eden

Memories of the tranquility of cottage life

stir me

make me long for this place of respite

Yet I know that this haven of serenity

does not magically give my soul  rest

I have spent many a day with insides churning

a mind so noisy that it seems to drown out

the quiet of a rippling lake

This morning

God called me to rest

Not

10 days from now

once we've unloaded our car

into our home away from home

but

now.

Again and again

He speaks His words into my tiredness

And I am slow to take to heart

so He gently repeats Himself--

"Come to Me

and I will give you rest--

all you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke.

Wear my yoke--

for it fits perfectly--

and let me teach you;

for I am gentle and humble,

and you will find rest for your souls;

for I give you only light burdens."

Matthew 11:28-30

There is so much for me to unpack 

in those verses!!

Isaiah 30:15 continues to be a familiar theme as well--

"For thus says the Lord God,

the Holy One of Israel has said,

'In repentance and rest

you shall be saved,

In quietness and trust

is your strength."

There are a wealth of truths for me to mediate on

in just this one verse.

God knows I need to rest--

on so many levels

and getting to that place

involves

repentance

quietness

trust

He has invited 

me

to

come

to

Him

How beautiful

that the Holy One

has created this space

for me to feel my need for rest

my need for Him

  

A Grace From God

"What messes our life up most--

is the expectation

of what life 

is supposed to look like."

--Ann Voskamp

Oh yes--does this ever mess up my life!!!

Not only are my expectations unrealistic,

they are self-focused

not God-focused.

So often

it's all about me.

And no,

I am not proud of this...

but as my Spiritual Director,

my dear journeying-with-me-sister would say,

"It is a grace from God

that you have become aware of this."

Ingrid has such a 

gentle and beautiful way of leading me through 

all the ugly of my days

There's no guilt

no chiding

not even this sense from her

that there is more to "work on"

She opens up the mess of my broken ways of  living 

and sees the beauty of a God

who has made "space for you" to understand a little more

It's all about 

freedom

and 

another  

"stepping stone in the dismantling of my kingdom"

It's about 

His pace

and 

not

 mine

It's about a God who sends life my way

and not the notion that

I am the one

climbing the mountain of transformation

And this is such 

welcoming

restful

freedom producing

news 

for one who is so very tired of

not being able to

"get it together and keep it together"!

Maybe

just maybe

the abundant life

is truly possible this side of Eden...

Another 

"grace of God"

that I am drawn to believe this:)

 

The Struggle

Oh how I am struggling to

surrender

relinquish

entrust

ALL to God

And oh what tension within as I,

with strong fist,

still seek to hold on to that which is

ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL!!

What absurdity this is--

seeking to control

that which is impossible!!

And how I lament

this ego-centric mind of mine

which somehow thinks
I am "God"!

Why

when I deeply desire to be at rest

in His sheltering, secure embrace

can I not do so??!!

I'm grateful for the vulnerability of others

who admit to the same.

Henri J.M. Nouwen in his book,

"The Road to Daybreak:  A Spiritual Journey"

writes

"This morning in my hour of prayer, 

I tried to come to some level of abandonment

to my heavenly Father.

It was a hard struggle

since so much of me wants to do my will,

realize my plans,

organize my future,

and make my decisions.

Still,

I know that true joy comes from letting 

God love me the way He wants...

it is hard for me to say, 

'I shall gratefully accept everything Lord,

that pleases You.

Let Your will be done.'

But I know that when I truly believe

my Father is pure love, 

it will become increasingly possible to say these words

from the heart."

And herein lies the key--

believing that my Father is PURE love.

I so yearn fro this rooted level of trust.

At times

I seem to live in this calm...

but it's always so fleeting--

which then reveals that such love

is so clearly

not

rooted in me.

My spirit pleads with the words of 

Paul's prayer

in Ephesians 3

to be fulfilled in me.

The Living Bible translation is descriptively beautiful--

"I pray that Christ will be more and more

at home in your hearts,

living within you as you trust him.

May your roots grow down deep in the soil

of God's marvelous love;

and may you be able to 

feel and understand...

how long, 

how wide,

how deep,

and how high

his love really is,

and to experience this love for yourselves,

though it is so great that you will never

see the end of it

or fully know or understand it.

And so at last

you will be filled up with God Himself."

verses 17-19

I am convinced that if 

"my roots were deep in the soil of God's marvelous love",

that surrender would be simple.

My own prayer 

is perhaps best echoed through the words of 

verse 16

(that God) "...out of His glorious, unlimited resources...

will give you the might inner strengthening

of the Holy Spirit."

"Holy Spirit come...

grow in me this inner strength of soul

that my roots would run deep

into the rich and life-giving soil

of God's perfect love."

Caught Off Guard

"Has it ever occurred to  you

that nothing ever occurs to God?

God knows all things,

including the future."

--Philip Graham Ryken

Oh what immense relief!!

God is never surprised!!!

Never shaking His head wondering,

"What just happened here?"

He is never caught off guard.

Never.

Which for me right now

is soothing.

Because I've been caught "off guard"--

My daughter and I both.

It was not supposed to unfold this way

It was to be a smooth, ripple-like transition

Not this rogue wave.

It's been 3 weeks since Ashley moved 

and started a new job

And although there is sure to be

newness and some nervousness for her with all of the above

it all seems to have multiplied

I too

feel unsteady

unsure of my footing

We both would have expected this scenario

last fall

when she initially moved away from home

to university residence

and higher education studies.

But it didn't transpire as such.

It was a move that she absolutely loved!

And studies,

although intense work and workload,

still manageable.

But this move--

this stepping out into adult life

has pushed both of us to our limits at times

Right now--

it's really pushing her

emotionally, mentally, physically

With who God has made her to be

coupled with her own broken ways of living 

she is undone in this hard place

And I'm here--

listening 

and encouraging

and loving

and supporting

and praying

as only a Mama does

Which again

is why I'm so grateful that none of this has caught God off guard

Psalm 139

is where my heart has been led --

"O Lord,

you have examined my heart 

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit or stand.

When far away you know my every thought.

You chart the path ahead of me,

and tell me where to stop and rest.

Every moment, 

you know where I am.

You know what I am going to say 

before I even say it.

You both precede and follow me,

and place your hand of blessing on my head.

This is too glorious,

too wonderful to believe!

I can NEVER be lost to Your Spirit!

I can NEVER get away from my God!...

How precious it is, Lord, to realize

that you are thinking about me constantly!

I can't even count how many times a day 

your thoughts turn towards me.

And when I waken in the morning,

you are still thinking of me!:

--verses 1-7, 17,18 LB 

God sees

and hears

and

is intimately involved in our lives.

He is!!!

I see Him!

But I also plead His

guidance

strength

and peace

as we both wade through the waters

towards higher ground

Who I Am

Who I am is in desperate need of God

I struggle with parts of who I am--

the weak places,

the ease with which it seems to take for me to grow weary,

the way my spirit leans towards feeling overwhelmed,

the way my life seems to capsize 

each time stormy circumstances blow my way

This is not who I long to be

But it is a part of who I am

Ingrid, my Spiritual Director says that

we all like to pick and choose the better parts of ourselves

instead of integrating all into the whole...

the strong and the weak

the successes and failures

Psalm 43:3,4 is a prayer of desire--

"O send out thy light and truth;

let them lead me;

Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,

And to Thy dwelling places

Then I will go to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, my God."

His light has been illuminating my path

His truth has been revealing--

beauty 

and hope 

and rest.

Who I am is in desperate need of God

And this is a good, good thing

Running to Him,

leaning on Him,

seeking rest in Him

is so very good

I find it noteworthy that the Psalmist prayer

for light and truth

does not lead him to "doing"

His prayer is to guide Him to "being"...

to a "dwelling place" in God

It is here in God's presence,

in the safety and rest and security of His presence

that He offers up praise to His God.

Reflective times this week have led me to ask--

What if the transforming work God longs to do in me

is about "being"

and not

"doing"?

What if it's not about how I look as a Christ follower

but who I am in Christ?

What if His greatest desire for me is not that I strive

for "wonder woman acts of righteousnes"

but that I live loved by God,

rest in contentment in His presence,

drink deeply of His lovingkindness, mercy and compassion?

What if all of the upheaval these past days has been,

not about revealing the weak parts of who I am

but more about

His spreading out the eternal expanse of who He is

and my desperate need for Him?

Then I would go--

"to the altar of God,

To God my exceeding joy;

And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee,

O God, My God."

My Lighthouse

It's been a week--

taxing,

highs

and

lows,

beautiful,

awful,

exhausting

Brian left for Haiti 5:20 Tuesday morning

but not without crisis

His text 30 minutes later

told me he was breathing easier

And though all is going well for my hubby and the team

he's still in Haiti

which leaves me just a little on edge

until his return

Ashley and I had two days to continue

moving preparations

both of us being flung up and down like yoyo's

with our emotions

yet our love and care for each other

navigates all this

in beautiful ways

We created lasting memories

in the midst of upheavel

We know who we are--

"mindful of our frame

that we are but dust"

in God's eyes--

If He can accept this about us

can we not also?

And so we decided...

spoke words of "permission" to ourselves and each other

to allow us to be

who we are

Still,

for moving day

I prayed for 

serenity

and 

flexibility

I knew how important it would be 

And He graciously provided

though not as I had expected

On edge, but excited

we arrived at Ashley's new home

to 

filth

Do people really live like this?

How?

Why?

 

Because we don't--

and can't

which meant parents 

and daughters 

rolled up sleeves

donned rubber gloves

 and got to work

Hours and hours of cleaning

to transform this house

into 

their new home

Safety concerns

Landlord bombshells

and 

still

I was

calm

and 

flexibile

The last two days

have been for

recuperating

and

processing

the maze...

caring for my girl

through the crazy, unplanned part

of this transition

And I suppose for many

they could take it all in stride

just let it all roll down their back

But it's not me--

it's not how I function

Truthfully

it's unhinged me a little

Pulled me off center

Left me a little fearful

insecure

  depleted for sure

There is no denying that 

God is my Helper

but 

He also provided me with a

helpmate

and 

this week was very hard without the strengths he provides for "us"

It was a difficult night last night

yet 

meditating on scripture

and

praying myself to sleep

hold a richness all their own

 

   I'm pushing through

and God is providing

in tangible ways as well--

(My son is calling and taking care of His Mama)

It's felt much like a sea of waves this week

captivating skies and smooth sailing at times

but

dark clouds and stormy waters have been swirling as well

He's my Lighthouse

through it all

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPtIv2lnkTY

 

 

A Grateful Heart

It was 44 years ago today

that my Mother was so quickly and painfully

snatched from my young life

 There have been many

April 24th's

which have held overwhelming grief,

and a deep, aching sadness

This one is so different.

We picked our daughter up from university residence

late Monday afternoon

She's living out of boxes

until May 1 

when we move her into a townhouse with friends

in the city which has been her new home

for the past 8 months.

 And I am just drinking in the deep joy

of this concentrated time with her!!!

She has already had almost 14 more years with

her Mama

than I had with mine.

And I'm just so overwhelmingly grateful

for the days and weeks and months and years

 I have had in which to heap on her

all the love my Mama's heart holds

The past 2 days have been full

oh so very full--

just being together

and sharing life--

baking, cooking, sharing meals, packing, errands, lounging

Mmmmm...sigh...I love it!

I'm tired

and I will get even more tired

but this sacrifice of

love and gratitude

flows freely

I would still love to share the moments of my life with my Mother

but that is not to be

But I am ever grateful

that God in His sweet mercy

gave me a baby girl so many years ago

Today I bask in the richness of His

 mother/daughter gift to us.