My Storehouse

"It's important to keep adding to our storehouse of names, aspects, and images of God.  We tend to stick with the familiar images such as Father, Shepherd, Comforter, Christ.  But what if we're looking for the divine Comforter while the divine Challenger actually is on our case?  Or we're thinking we need the Fire of the Spirit to buck up our faltering spirits when God is trying to make the Water of grace available  through our own tears?  What if we're looking for divine Light and illumination when what's available is the divine Darkness in a 'cloud of unknowing'?"
--Robert Corin Morris
"Wrestling with Grace:  A Spirituality for the Rough Edges of Daily Life"

I read this quote about a week ago and it caught my attention.  I began to ponder what "new" name or image of God I should be adding to my storehouse.  Or perhaps worded another way, "What 'new' name or image of God does HE desire to add to my storehouse?

Personally, I am more comfortable with God as my Comforter than my Challenger, or God as my Light as opposed to Divine Darkness.  I am consistently looking to God to be my Security, my Stability in a world...in my world, which seems ever changing.  And I know that this is good and right and wise.  He should be my Security.  He should be the One in whom I find stability.  But what I am being challenged on in the words of Robert Corin Morris, is that He should  be more than that.  And quite frankly, that makes me feel a little uneasy.  At which time I run to my Security and bury my heart in His strength and ask Him to walk with me through the coming season.

Because I know that one is here.  A new season.

I met several days ago, a woman, whom I have asked to disciple me.  I have been praying and seeking a new Spiritual Director, as my previous one has felt she was unable to continue providing me direction.  And so I have patiently waited for His guidance in finding someone else to fill this particular role in my life.  The time spent with this woman held a strength and richness which has ignited a new sense of spiritual excitement.  But it was also apparent that her way of discipling would lead me onto a new fork in the road.  Herein lies an uneasiness as well.  No longer is the path clear in front of me the way I had mapped it out.  Now there are unknowns.  What will walking into this blank territory of my soul yield?  Is there a dormant part of my being that needs to be awakened?  Is there a weak part of my soul which needs to be made strong?    Yet I sense that God is mapping out this something new.  I sense holiness even amidst the quiet fear.  I wonder if just maybe, God does not have some new names or an image of Himself in mind, for me to add to my storehouse?

And so in His gentle strength, I will enter this new season, turn my soul into this fork in the road, and wait to hear the name He whispers in my ear.

Toronto 3 Florida 1

I think I had perma-grin this past Tuesday evening.  My hubby was given two tickets to a corporate box at the ACC and he took me!!!!!!!  My first time ever watching my Toronto Maple Leafs live!!  What a blast!

It was just wild to be there..the bright lights and cranked volume, and a massive amount of Leaf Jersey's.  Who knew that there could be so many different styles?  Our "box" was like a hotel room.  A couch, chair, mini kitchenette, and of course lots of food.

I enjoyed the veggies and dip and Brian enjoyed the pizza, fahitas, chicken fingers, chips and Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream. 

But what I relished in the most, was watching my Leaf's WIN!!!!! 

A night to remember for sure :)

Free Falling into God

It's how I would describe my son's openness to God these past weeks.  He's doing this incredible free fall into the "bigness" of God, and it is something truly amazing to watch and be a part of.

He's home for the weekend, having just returned from 11 days out of the province being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Sometimes that meant feeding the homeless, and other times it meant painting a wall.  At times it was about speaking truth to an individual, or listening to God reveal truth to his own heart.

But always, it was about pulling back the flesh of his body, exposing his raw, beating heart, and allowing God to mold and develop and make his innermost being, wise and loving and patient and kind...in a wild sort of way.  My boy is unashamedly wild at heart.

But I am still his mother, and as I hear him spill forth his dreams and thoughts and all that is so radical and extreme and beyond any sense of comfort, I find myself running.

Running to God so I can sit in the presence of the Creator of this life I birthed.  Sit and listen and feel His calming, all consuming Presence.  And surrender.  Alone in my livingroom with hands outstretched...upward to the heavens,  entrusting my son once again, surrendering my mother heart, submitting to the One who guides and protects and calls us to follow Him.

And in the surrendering, I was thanking.  Thanking Him that He is in charge and not I, that I don't have to carry this burden, because my son belongs to God.  A sweet, reckless belonging. 

Clay Crosse sings a powerful song called "I Surrender All".  The words so accurately depict the passion I see exuding from my son.  I share the lyrics and music video with you, as a tribute to the Majesty, Wonder and Wildness of a God who has called my son, and who personally calls each of us to free fall into Him.

I love watching you "fall", Cam!

I Surrender All

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand


In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours


I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires 
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all


If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain


So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise


Everything I am, all I've done and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life  I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all


Clay Crosses

 http://youtu.be/THHu5QPjB_4

Thanksgiving

 "What shall I render to the Lord

for all His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

 I'm thankful 
...for autumn's beauty; brilliant sunlight highlighting vibrant colors...the crunch of leaves beneath my shoes...the scent that causes me to inhale deeper
... for Eden's glory in work or play...
...for the richness of family and laughing, resting, sharing, and living together...
...for the ache that comes because I miss my son, but love his passion for serving God...
...for the bounty of food...always
I'm thankful for home that is always waiting for us...


"Enjoy winter's hibernation, Eden...see you in spring."

Beer for my Horses

Some of you are, at this moment, both bewildered and concerned.  As far as you are aware, I don't own any horses, and I'm not a guzzling  beer drinker.

What I am though, is a Country Music fan, and last evening, on our way home from dinner at my in-laws, my daughter and I had the sound waves dancing.  It had been a lovely autumn day, our windows were halfway down and we were both enjoying the cool beat of country.  And then this song came on..."Beer for my Horses".  Even though I can readily groove to the beat of Country, I can also admit that this genre of music can make a bad name for itself by some of it's lyrics.  And yes, "Beer for my Horses" was one such song.

But it made me laugh, and I had fun singing along with the crooning cowboy.  It was a welcome reprieve from a stressful week.  I am in the midst of trying to manage, adjust and understand some health issues.  It's nothing serious.

Living with Diabetes calls for a level of daily maintenance anyway, and once and awhile that level skyrockets.  I visited my specialist on Monday, having waited 4 months to see her.  Again, what sent me to her office was not a crisis, but my family doctor and I felt that her expertise would be helpful in understanding some challenges I was facing.  I left my apt. feeling like I had just been through a whirlwind and whipped out the other side.  She stopped one of my insulin's and started me on a brand new one, rearranged all of my dosages to my other insulin, changed my meal plan, booked me in with a Dietitian and scheduled 4 more app.'s with her over the next month!  Whew!  Can I catch my breath please???

I can tell that I have gained perspective over the years, because even as she was explaining all of the above, I was having a little chat with myself.  "It's okay, Juanita...it's a lot to take in right at the moment, but in the long run, this will benefit you."  So I just kept nodding, smiling and breathing :)  And "Hey", I didn't even cry when I got in my van to drive home!

I have quickly accepted that I am in a season of having to care for myself  surrounding a number of health issues.  I have been going to Physio twice a week(most weeks), since June, which has yanked 3-4 hours out of every week.  Two weeks ago I started to experience results.  It's been a long haul.  As well, at the end of July I had a small hemorrhage in my right eye, which has thankfully been healing on its own.  However, my Ophthalmologist would like to investigate the cause, which has meant more apt.'s, tests, and another specialist next week.  Oh, and two different doctors also want blood work done over the next week or so.  Enough already!!!!

So, I am working at settling in to this season of change, managing my day timer, and trying to go with the flow.  Not my forte! 

Oh, and, I blare "Beer for my Horses" and remember to laugh and not get too out of sorts over all that is transpiring.

Stronger

Stronger...
Because sapless faith drove me to my Fortress
Stronger...
Because echoing laments opened my ears to silence
Stronger...
Because adversity harvested wiser life rhythms 
Stronger...
Because exhaustive "why's" yielded to Sovereign mystery 
Stronger...
Because the blocked tunnel schooled me in waiting
Stronger...
Because joy eclipsed helped me choose contentment
Stronger...
Because a dismal future forced me to relish moments
Stronger...
Because the dark night of my soul refined my spirit
Stronger...
Because in my lostness Adonai found me
And I will never be the same


I recently listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast in which Jim Daley's new book, "Trading Brokenness for Unbreakable Strength--Stronger" http://onedesertrose.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/turn-struggles-into-triumphs-stronger-by-jim-daly-president-of-fotf/ was highlighted.  He shared how adversity in his life, as well as his wife's, had made them stronger.

I found myself reflecting on my own seasons of adversity.  I, like every other person on this broken planet, do not welcome hardships.  But adverse cirumstances can be the stimulus for forging a stronger spirit.  I don't know about you, but I'm grateful that after all the pain has subsided, there is something to show for  it all.  That I have been schooled throughout the battle.  That is wasn't all for not.

It doesn't mean that I have forever adopted some new growth pattern, or valuable truth, never to be forgotten.  I wish that were the case!  I am always a work in progress.  I awaken to some untouched area, and yet there is always more to grasp.  The well of my spirit is never full.  So too, the trials of life never cease.  This side of heaven, there will always be a "Stronger...because".

The wild and glorious undeniable fact, is that I am forever changed by the winds of oppression.  Beauty from ashes.  Joy after mourning.  Romans 8:28.

Stronger.

What is your "Stronger...because"?

The Wealth in His Words

"Under His wings you may seek refuge.  His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark."  Psalm 91:4

It's one of countless beautiful verses...like music to my weary, or frightened, or worry-consumed soul.  A few days ago I started unpacking these words.  Meditation is the spiritual discipline that my Devotional book has me in at the moment.  I confess that this continues to be a learning curve for me.  The phrase..."if you can worry, you can meditate" has gently haunted me, knowing that I am far more adept at one than the other.

But at present I am putting my energies into meditating.  As I have focused on words and sought definitions, the meaning in the verse above has virtually exploded.
 
When I reflect on the wings of a bird, my mind soars to pictures of shelter and protection and warmth.

Words which are similar to refuge might be, sanctuary, safehold, or haven.

The term shield can mean defend, guard, secure. 

I sense strength in the picture of a bulwark...fortification, defense work, rampart, fence, barrier, enclosure. 

Oh what a wealth of protection, love, safety and surety in the refuge and faithfulness of God!!!  I can hide under His wings anytime I choose!! 

Did you notice that?  "...you MAY seek refuge."  I believe it's my choice.  I choose if I will run to the sanctuary that is Him, with my ruminating worries, or overwhelming burdens. 

So often is it not until I collapse into His rest, that I stop long enough to recognize the magnitude of His faithfulness.  It is so all encompassing! 

There is a wealth in His utterances, a richness beyond even what I am able to grasp.  To think He gave us page after page after page of such priceless truths!

"O God...quicken my spirit to delve more earnestly into such a vast expanse."

"Packing, birthdays and the looming Goodbye"

Surreal.  That's what I'm living in this week.  I'm not a wreck, not moved to tears as he checks another thing off his packing list.  I'm just not fully grasping the reality of it all.

How can I have a son who will be 18 in two days?   Is he really packing up and moving out?  Then what?  What will this "look" like in our family unit?   This "growing up" always happens to other peoples' kids.  Now it's happening to me.  Sigh.  There is a part of me that wonders if I've done enough.  Have I ensured that he is ready for the world out there?  And I think there are probably two answers here..."Yes" and "No".  "Yes", because he'll make it out there no problem.  And "No", because I'm an imperfect human being, and cannot possibly have given him all that he needs.  But that's where God comes in and extends mercy to my fallibility, and all encompassing care to my son.

It's been such a good week with Cam.  I bribed him on Sunday and took him out for ice cream so that I could go over the "things to do" list.  It worked!  ha,ha.  We had fun together, compromised and managed to make a plan for the week.  He even allowed me to check up on him last evening! (But no nagging allowed in between).

To my surprise nagging wasn't even required.  I haven't seen him focus on tasks like this since his last semester of highschool.  And his room!!!!  The tornado winds that tore through his room several years ago, actually calmed this week and I can walk across the rug with no fear of fracturing my ankle.  Gosh, I should almost take a picture.

He's leaving his trail of memories though...I caught him again the other day.  He  arrives home from work on his bike and grabs one of my tea towels to wipe the sweat off his face and neck!!!!!!!!  He claims it is "just salt and water".  The tea towel obviously goes in the laundry, but I wonder how many times he's done it when I'm not around???  I don't even want to know.  I bought him some tea towels for residence.  I suppose they will get used one way or another.

Sunday evening we went for a family walk to a nearby park area.  It was lovely, with he and his sister actually talking and walking  amicably together.  I was quite enjoying our little outing, until Cam decided that our walk home would be the route he often takes as he jogs.  Over an hour later, we arrive home, hot, sweaty, and me wondering if I will make it.  Being diabetic I always carry an emergency snack with me, but was not prepared for Cam's long detour home.  His response to me..."you should have brought a lunch.".  (Sound familiar?)

We celebrated his birthday last evening, since he will be off on his adventure on Saturday.  The requested menu was steak, corn, mashed potatoes(with cream cheese and sour cream...mmmm.) and then Angel food cake with peaches and ice cream.

 

                                                  He just can't stop bugging his sister!!!!!!!

Throughout the teenage years, my husband has often said, "Well, he's 13, or 15 or 17 and he still loves us.  Last night, as he and Cam chatted around the BBQ, Brian commented to Cam..."You've made it to 18 and you still love us..."

It's a beautiful gift.  Because there really are no guarantees.  You can pour yourself into your babes and toddlers and preschoolers and they'll love you back with all they've got.  But when the tumultuous teenage years hit, a lot can go array.  You really have no idea where you as a parent will end up in your grown child's ratings.  Brian and I consider ourselves richly blessed.  Our son has opened himself to God's touch in his life and it has made all the difference in the world.

As I finish up this post, Cam is upstairs playing piano.  I'm going to miss that.

"Home is a company of people with particular values and a particular history...It is the particular womb out of which we are born...Home is a gift we never earn...Everyone leaves home a little differently."  --Herbert Anderson & Kenneth R. Mitchell  "Leaving Home" 

Our home is an imperfect interweaving of people, but it's been ours.  I cherish  memories past and anticipate those yet to be created down the road.

Thin Places

I am a strong believer in God's sovereign, redemptive work in our lives.  When we wholly offer ourselves up to Him, He incredibly uses us.  During my dark journey through depression, I often heard of my pain touching another's pain.  Although God has mercifully lifted those raging storm clouds, He still uses "our story" to encourage and strengthen others.  Today, excerpts from "Whispers in the Darkness", have been posted on   
http://www.marydemuth.com/2010/09/juanita-ogilvies-thin-place-whispers-in-the-darkness-2/
I began following Mary's blog about 6 months ago, and although she is well known as an author and speaker, I know her best for her depth of authenticity and pursuit of God.  This is what so drew me to continue reading the pages of her heart.  She speaks to my own spirit and challenges and inspires me to go deeper with God.  I am grateful for her beautiful openness to the balm of the Healer and her willingness to share this with so many.

Blessings on your life's ministry Mary.

This "Letting Go" Thing

Gosh, I'm all over the map with this!  September 3 will be the day we move our son into residence at Bible College.  The following day is his 18th birthday.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on this transition.  Until Monday of this past week.  Then, for a myriad of reasons, my calm, cool, collectedness fell by the wayside.  It's not that I'm a mess.  I'm just...well...sometimes I'm sad...sometimes excited...sometimes stressed...lost, frustrated, ticked off.  Like I said...all over the map.  I suppose that is one of the reasons this season in life is referred to as a transition.  It doesn't just happen overnight.  The "letting go" has been going on for some time now, but we're just stepping up the pace a little these days. 

I know he's ready...chomping at the bit actually. ( Which might have something to do with my sadness.)  He's making it rather clear that my mothering is not needed anymore.  After all he is "almost 18!!".  (Of course the next day he wants me to make his lunch for work since he's "not 18 yet!!!".)  I think we're both in transition.  ha,ha.

He's been at the cottage with his cousin all week, which I'm quite sure has been a good thing on so many levels.  We will only have one week to go in which to navigate this bumpy road.  I think a measure of grace will be required for the coming 7 days...on both sides of the highway.   It's uncharted territory for each of us. 

The quote I wrote on his birthday card reads..."God made man because he loves stories."  Elie Wiesel  That's really what my "letting go" is allowing.  It's giving God the opportunity to go full throttle in  making my son's story.  Oh sure, Cam's story began Sept. 4, 1992, but there's an altogether new slant to the story now.  And truthfully...I am full of anticipation of what I will be reading in my son's life over the coming months and years.  This is what I seek to focus on when all of the above kicks up dust in my spirit.  It brings a calmness to my being, because it points me to the Storyteller.

So...I'll keep making my way...with the Storyteller by my side...step by step by step.

Reflections

You painted the sky for me tonight.
Brilliant hues of pink,
pastels of mauve, peach and baby blue.

You, in all Your glory.
And I know You did it for me
because it so sharply contrasts
the colours of my world.
I am enshrouded in the murky,
death-like grip of greys and black.

You calmed the wind for me tonight
so the lake was a shimmering
mirror to highlight Your painting.
You, in all Your power.
And I know You did it for me
because the waves that crash
into my soul day after day
have been relentless.

I wanted to ask You, oh Glorious One,
why You won't paint new colors in my life...
I wanted to ask You, the God whose power calms
the sea with just a word,
why You won't still the storm in me.
But, something in my spirit tells me
that tonight is not a night for questions...
It's a time for silence, awe and gratitude.
So thank You for giving me
the gift of tonight--
of seeing a majestic You.
I'll save my questions
for another night.
--Eden July 21, 2005
Juanita

The above prose was written five summers ago.  The breathtaking sunset was just a month ago.

I've reflected and given thanks many times these past six weeks for the gift of enjoying this year's summer season.  How grateful I am that God in His mercy has  painted new colors in my life; that the storm within has been calmed .

Living life five years ago was about survival....about struggling to believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel I was in.  It was a time in which I wondered if I would ever laugh again...ever taste the goodness of life that had been stripped away.  Gripping anxiety and torturous depression were my constant companions.

But He gave me incredible sunsets, among countless other gifts, to remind me of Who He was.

And today, I can laugh until it hurts, and fully engage in life's joyous goodness.  My spirit knows serenity, and my mind has gained peace.  I have even glimpsed the sovereign workings of my God throughout those years of suffering.  The unanswered questions remain in His safekeeping.

"What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?"
--Psalm 116:12

May  my life be an all encompassing response.