Free Falling into God

It's how I would describe my son's openness to God these past weeks.  He's doing this incredible free fall into the "bigness" of God, and it is something truly amazing to watch and be a part of.

He's home for the weekend, having just returned from 11 days out of the province being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Sometimes that meant feeding the homeless, and other times it meant painting a wall.  At times it was about speaking truth to an individual, or listening to God reveal truth to his own heart.

But always, it was about pulling back the flesh of his body, exposing his raw, beating heart, and allowing God to mold and develop and make his innermost being, wise and loving and patient and kind...in a wild sort of way.  My boy is unashamedly wild at heart.

But I am still his mother, and as I hear him spill forth his dreams and thoughts and all that is so radical and extreme and beyond any sense of comfort, I find myself running.

Running to God so I can sit in the presence of the Creator of this life I birthed.  Sit and listen and feel His calming, all consuming Presence.  And surrender.  Alone in my livingroom with hands outstretched...upward to the heavens,  entrusting my son once again, surrendering my mother heart, submitting to the One who guides and protects and calls us to follow Him.

And in the surrendering, I was thanking.  Thanking Him that He is in charge and not I, that I don't have to carry this burden, because my son belongs to God.  A sweet, reckless belonging. 

Clay Crosse sings a powerful song called "I Surrender All".  The words so accurately depict the passion I see exuding from my son.  I share the lyrics and music video with you, as a tribute to the Majesty, Wonder and Wildness of a God who has called my son, and who personally calls each of us to free fall into Him.

I love watching you "fall", Cam!

I Surrender All

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand


In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours


I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires 
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all


If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain


So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise


Everything I am, all I've done and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life  I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all


Clay Crosses

 http://youtu.be/THHu5QPjB_4

Thanksgiving

 "What shall I render to the Lord

for all His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

 I'm thankful 
...for autumn's beauty; brilliant sunlight highlighting vibrant colors...the crunch of leaves beneath my shoes...the scent that causes me to inhale deeper
... for Eden's glory in work or play...
...for the richness of family and laughing, resting, sharing, and living together...
...for the ache that comes because I miss my son, but love his passion for serving God...
...for the bounty of food...always
I'm thankful for home that is always waiting for us...


"Enjoy winter's hibernation, Eden...see you in spring."

Beer for my Horses

Some of you are, at this moment, both bewildered and concerned.  As far as you are aware, I don't own any horses, and I'm not a guzzling  beer drinker.

What I am though, is a Country Music fan, and last evening, on our way home from dinner at my in-laws, my daughter and I had the sound waves dancing.  It had been a lovely autumn day, our windows were halfway down and we were both enjoying the cool beat of country.  And then this song came on..."Beer for my Horses".  Even though I can readily groove to the beat of Country, I can also admit that this genre of music can make a bad name for itself by some of it's lyrics.  And yes, "Beer for my Horses" was one such song.

But it made me laugh, and I had fun singing along with the crooning cowboy.  It was a welcome reprieve from a stressful week.  I am in the midst of trying to manage, adjust and understand some health issues.  It's nothing serious.

Living with Diabetes calls for a level of daily maintenance anyway, and once and awhile that level skyrockets.  I visited my specialist on Monday, having waited 4 months to see her.  Again, what sent me to her office was not a crisis, but my family doctor and I felt that her expertise would be helpful in understanding some challenges I was facing.  I left my apt. feeling like I had just been through a whirlwind and whipped out the other side.  She stopped one of my insulin's and started me on a brand new one, rearranged all of my dosages to my other insulin, changed my meal plan, booked me in with a Dietitian and scheduled 4 more app.'s with her over the next month!  Whew!  Can I catch my breath please???

I can tell that I have gained perspective over the years, because even as she was explaining all of the above, I was having a little chat with myself.  "It's okay, Juanita...it's a lot to take in right at the moment, but in the long run, this will benefit you."  So I just kept nodding, smiling and breathing :)  And "Hey", I didn't even cry when I got in my van to drive home!

I have quickly accepted that I am in a season of having to care for myself  surrounding a number of health issues.  I have been going to Physio twice a week(most weeks), since June, which has yanked 3-4 hours out of every week.  Two weeks ago I started to experience results.  It's been a long haul.  As well, at the end of July I had a small hemorrhage in my right eye, which has thankfully been healing on its own.  However, my Ophthalmologist would like to investigate the cause, which has meant more apt.'s, tests, and another specialist next week.  Oh, and two different doctors also want blood work done over the next week or so.  Enough already!!!!

So, I am working at settling in to this season of change, managing my day timer, and trying to go with the flow.  Not my forte! 

Oh, and, I blare "Beer for my Horses" and remember to laugh and not get too out of sorts over all that is transpiring.

Stronger

Stronger...
Because sapless faith drove me to my Fortress
Stronger...
Because echoing laments opened my ears to silence
Stronger...
Because adversity harvested wiser life rhythms 
Stronger...
Because exhaustive "why's" yielded to Sovereign mystery 
Stronger...
Because the blocked tunnel schooled me in waiting
Stronger...
Because joy eclipsed helped me choose contentment
Stronger...
Because a dismal future forced me to relish moments
Stronger...
Because the dark night of my soul refined my spirit
Stronger...
Because in my lostness Adonai found me
And I will never be the same


I recently listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast in which Jim Daley's new book, "Trading Brokenness for Unbreakable Strength--Stronger" http://onedesertrose.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/turn-struggles-into-triumphs-stronger-by-jim-daly-president-of-fotf/ was highlighted.  He shared how adversity in his life, as well as his wife's, had made them stronger.

I found myself reflecting on my own seasons of adversity.  I, like every other person on this broken planet, do not welcome hardships.  But adverse cirumstances can be the stimulus for forging a stronger spirit.  I don't know about you, but I'm grateful that after all the pain has subsided, there is something to show for  it all.  That I have been schooled throughout the battle.  That is wasn't all for not.

It doesn't mean that I have forever adopted some new growth pattern, or valuable truth, never to be forgotten.  I wish that were the case!  I am always a work in progress.  I awaken to some untouched area, and yet there is always more to grasp.  The well of my spirit is never full.  So too, the trials of life never cease.  This side of heaven, there will always be a "Stronger...because".

The wild and glorious undeniable fact, is that I am forever changed by the winds of oppression.  Beauty from ashes.  Joy after mourning.  Romans 8:28.

Stronger.

What is your "Stronger...because"?

The Wealth in His Words

"Under His wings you may seek refuge.  His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark."  Psalm 91:4

It's one of countless beautiful verses...like music to my weary, or frightened, or worry-consumed soul.  A few days ago I started unpacking these words.  Meditation is the spiritual discipline that my Devotional book has me in at the moment.  I confess that this continues to be a learning curve for me.  The phrase..."if you can worry, you can meditate" has gently haunted me, knowing that I am far more adept at one than the other.

But at present I am putting my energies into meditating.  As I have focused on words and sought definitions, the meaning in the verse above has virtually exploded.
 
When I reflect on the wings of a bird, my mind soars to pictures of shelter and protection and warmth.

Words which are similar to refuge might be, sanctuary, safehold, or haven.

The term shield can mean defend, guard, secure. 

I sense strength in the picture of a bulwark...fortification, defense work, rampart, fence, barrier, enclosure. 

Oh what a wealth of protection, love, safety and surety in the refuge and faithfulness of God!!!  I can hide under His wings anytime I choose!! 

Did you notice that?  "...you MAY seek refuge."  I believe it's my choice.  I choose if I will run to the sanctuary that is Him, with my ruminating worries, or overwhelming burdens. 

So often is it not until I collapse into His rest, that I stop long enough to recognize the magnitude of His faithfulness.  It is so all encompassing! 

There is a wealth in His utterances, a richness beyond even what I am able to grasp.  To think He gave us page after page after page of such priceless truths!

"O God...quicken my spirit to delve more earnestly into such a vast expanse."

"Packing, birthdays and the looming Goodbye"

Surreal.  That's what I'm living in this week.  I'm not a wreck, not moved to tears as he checks another thing off his packing list.  I'm just not fully grasping the reality of it all.

How can I have a son who will be 18 in two days?   Is he really packing up and moving out?  Then what?  What will this "look" like in our family unit?   This "growing up" always happens to other peoples' kids.  Now it's happening to me.  Sigh.  There is a part of me that wonders if I've done enough.  Have I ensured that he is ready for the world out there?  And I think there are probably two answers here..."Yes" and "No".  "Yes", because he'll make it out there no problem.  And "No", because I'm an imperfect human being, and cannot possibly have given him all that he needs.  But that's where God comes in and extends mercy to my fallibility, and all encompassing care to my son.

It's been such a good week with Cam.  I bribed him on Sunday and took him out for ice cream so that I could go over the "things to do" list.  It worked!  ha,ha.  We had fun together, compromised and managed to make a plan for the week.  He even allowed me to check up on him last evening! (But no nagging allowed in between).

To my surprise nagging wasn't even required.  I haven't seen him focus on tasks like this since his last semester of highschool.  And his room!!!!  The tornado winds that tore through his room several years ago, actually calmed this week and I can walk across the rug with no fear of fracturing my ankle.  Gosh, I should almost take a picture.

He's leaving his trail of memories though...I caught him again the other day.  He  arrives home from work on his bike and grabs one of my tea towels to wipe the sweat off his face and neck!!!!!!!!  He claims it is "just salt and water".  The tea towel obviously goes in the laundry, but I wonder how many times he's done it when I'm not around???  I don't even want to know.  I bought him some tea towels for residence.  I suppose they will get used one way or another.

Sunday evening we went for a family walk to a nearby park area.  It was lovely, with he and his sister actually talking and walking  amicably together.  I was quite enjoying our little outing, until Cam decided that our walk home would be the route he often takes as he jogs.  Over an hour later, we arrive home, hot, sweaty, and me wondering if I will make it.  Being diabetic I always carry an emergency snack with me, but was not prepared for Cam's long detour home.  His response to me..."you should have brought a lunch.".  (Sound familiar?)

We celebrated his birthday last evening, since he will be off on his adventure on Saturday.  The requested menu was steak, corn, mashed potatoes(with cream cheese and sour cream...mmmm.) and then Angel food cake with peaches and ice cream.

 

                                                  He just can't stop bugging his sister!!!!!!!

Throughout the teenage years, my husband has often said, "Well, he's 13, or 15 or 17 and he still loves us.  Last night, as he and Cam chatted around the BBQ, Brian commented to Cam..."You've made it to 18 and you still love us..."

It's a beautiful gift.  Because there really are no guarantees.  You can pour yourself into your babes and toddlers and preschoolers and they'll love you back with all they've got.  But when the tumultuous teenage years hit, a lot can go array.  You really have no idea where you as a parent will end up in your grown child's ratings.  Brian and I consider ourselves richly blessed.  Our son has opened himself to God's touch in his life and it has made all the difference in the world.

As I finish up this post, Cam is upstairs playing piano.  I'm going to miss that.

"Home is a company of people with particular values and a particular history...It is the particular womb out of which we are born...Home is a gift we never earn...Everyone leaves home a little differently."  --Herbert Anderson & Kenneth R. Mitchell  "Leaving Home" 

Our home is an imperfect interweaving of people, but it's been ours.  I cherish  memories past and anticipate those yet to be created down the road.

Thin Places

I am a strong believer in God's sovereign, redemptive work in our lives.  When we wholly offer ourselves up to Him, He incredibly uses us.  During my dark journey through depression, I often heard of my pain touching another's pain.  Although God has mercifully lifted those raging storm clouds, He still uses "our story" to encourage and strengthen others.  Today, excerpts from "Whispers in the Darkness", have been posted on   
http://www.marydemuth.com/2010/09/juanita-ogilvies-thin-place-whispers-in-the-darkness-2/
I began following Mary's blog about 6 months ago, and although she is well known as an author and speaker, I know her best for her depth of authenticity and pursuit of God.  This is what so drew me to continue reading the pages of her heart.  She speaks to my own spirit and challenges and inspires me to go deeper with God.  I am grateful for her beautiful openness to the balm of the Healer and her willingness to share this with so many.

Blessings on your life's ministry Mary.

This "Letting Go" Thing

Gosh, I'm all over the map with this!  September 3 will be the day we move our son into residence at Bible College.  The following day is his 18th birthday.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on this transition.  Until Monday of this past week.  Then, for a myriad of reasons, my calm, cool, collectedness fell by the wayside.  It's not that I'm a mess.  I'm just...well...sometimes I'm sad...sometimes excited...sometimes stressed...lost, frustrated, ticked off.  Like I said...all over the map.  I suppose that is one of the reasons this season in life is referred to as a transition.  It doesn't just happen overnight.  The "letting go" has been going on for some time now, but we're just stepping up the pace a little these days. 

I know he's ready...chomping at the bit actually. ( Which might have something to do with my sadness.)  He's making it rather clear that my mothering is not needed anymore.  After all he is "almost 18!!".  (Of course the next day he wants me to make his lunch for work since he's "not 18 yet!!!".)  I think we're both in transition.  ha,ha.

He's been at the cottage with his cousin all week, which I'm quite sure has been a good thing on so many levels.  We will only have one week to go in which to navigate this bumpy road.  I think a measure of grace will be required for the coming 7 days...on both sides of the highway.   It's uncharted territory for each of us. 

The quote I wrote on his birthday card reads..."God made man because he loves stories."  Elie Wiesel  That's really what my "letting go" is allowing.  It's giving God the opportunity to go full throttle in  making my son's story.  Oh sure, Cam's story began Sept. 4, 1992, but there's an altogether new slant to the story now.  And truthfully...I am full of anticipation of what I will be reading in my son's life over the coming months and years.  This is what I seek to focus on when all of the above kicks up dust in my spirit.  It brings a calmness to my being, because it points me to the Storyteller.

So...I'll keep making my way...with the Storyteller by my side...step by step by step.

Reflections

You painted the sky for me tonight.
Brilliant hues of pink,
pastels of mauve, peach and baby blue.

You, in all Your glory.
And I know You did it for me
because it so sharply contrasts
the colours of my world.
I am enshrouded in the murky,
death-like grip of greys and black.

You calmed the wind for me tonight
so the lake was a shimmering
mirror to highlight Your painting.
You, in all Your power.
And I know You did it for me
because the waves that crash
into my soul day after day
have been relentless.

I wanted to ask You, oh Glorious One,
why You won't paint new colors in my life...
I wanted to ask You, the God whose power calms
the sea with just a word,
why You won't still the storm in me.
But, something in my spirit tells me
that tonight is not a night for questions...
It's a time for silence, awe and gratitude.
So thank You for giving me
the gift of tonight--
of seeing a majestic You.
I'll save my questions
for another night.
--Eden July 21, 2005
Juanita

The above prose was written five summers ago.  The breathtaking sunset was just a month ago.

I've reflected and given thanks many times these past six weeks for the gift of enjoying this year's summer season.  How grateful I am that God in His mercy has  painted new colors in my life; that the storm within has been calmed .

Living life five years ago was about survival....about struggling to believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel I was in.  It was a time in which I wondered if I would ever laugh again...ever taste the goodness of life that had been stripped away.  Gripping anxiety and torturous depression were my constant companions.

But He gave me incredible sunsets, among countless other gifts, to remind me of Who He was.

And today, I can laugh until it hurts, and fully engage in life's joyous goodness.  My spirit knows serenity, and my mind has gained peace.  I have even glimpsed the sovereign workings of my God throughout those years of suffering.  The unanswered questions remain in His safekeeping.

"What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?"
--Psalm 116:12

May  my life be an all encompassing response.

A Cob of Corn and a Half Eaten Pita

Be forewarned, this post is not for those with weak stomachs.  If however, you are the Mom of a teenager, or are a "have been" or a "will be" Mom of a teen, you will no doubt appreciate this or at least be prepared for that "someday".  All other readers...this is comic relief at it's best, so enjoy!

My soon-to-be 18 year old son was asked by my Dad if he would mow their lawn while my parents were off on vacation.  He was happy to do so.  Tuesday evening, he informed us that since he had the following day off, he would be taking care of this job that day.  Because he is an avid cyclist, he was planning to bike to their home, which would be 45 minutes each way(by bike).  He told me he would not be home until between 1 and 2:00 as he figured in his time of departure, mowing the grass, etc.

As you may know, I have been working on this whole "letting go" business when it comes to my son.  Some days I do great at it, other days, I fail miserably.  But honestly...it's stink'n hard.  Mothering for me, is as natural as breathing.  It's a part of me.  I love to nurture and care and love my kids.  And so when my son told us he would be gone over lunch, I just automatically suggested he pack a lunch to take with him.  His response to me was one that I have been getting a lot of lately...sort of a mixture between exasperation-and-you-have-five-heads-kind-of-deal.  So, I did the "letting go" thing this time, and just let it be.  (Oh, he did mention something about taking a granola bar)

I was at an appt. when he got home yesterday afternoon, so was not privy to the first-come-first-serve details.  That went to his sister.

Okay, so I know you are waiting with baited breath, just as I can hardly type fast enough, to fill you in on the happenings.  I do need to factor in the temperature to this unfolding drama.  It was 42 degrees with the humidex yesterday.  Keep that in mind.

My son made it to his destination no problem.  But he was feeling pretty whipped as he mowed the grass.  His return trip however, was another story.  He came to a point where he could bike no longer...the energy completely sucked out of him.  He felt faint and although it was crazy hot, he had the chills  (Probably not a good sign).  So, my desperate son, stopped at the edge of a farmer's field, extracted a cob of SILAGE corn from the stalk and proceeded to eat it!!!!  He said he only ate half.   He continued to rest by the farmer's field as he waited for some spark of energy to return.  He then continued to proceed, but still very much in need of nourishment.  And this is where the half eaten pita comes in.  He found it lying on the side of the street of a small town he was passing through.  So...he ate it!!!!! 

Some of you, are completely disgusted by now(as was his sister), but me?  I laughed myself silly.  I was remembering my lunch suggestion, and picturing one totally desparate kid mowing down on less than appetizing fare.  Yes, I realize that we should all take a moment here and realize that food poisoning and who knows what else could be part of the this equation.  But it is now Thursday evening and he is alive and well, and so I am still laughing...every time I tell this story.  And trust me, it is a blast to  tell it each time.  Come to think of it,  maybe I'm not doing too badly at this "letting go" thing...my nurturing/caring ways are a little absent here :)

Will he pack a lunch next time?  Probably, but even if he doesn't, my endorphins have been having a major party these past couple days.

Hope yours enjoy a good dance as well!!!!!!!!

Pure Joy...Baptizing my Daughter

That's how I would describe the moment. Joy coupled with excitement, but yet a calmness throughout my spirit. Perfect...the day was perfect. The atmosphere itself felt charged with anticipation. How could it not, with a crowd of youth, some family and friends descending upon Eden, joining us for the memory-making moment!!!!!


The first van rolled into our driveway around 10:45 a.m. on Sunday July 25, and the teenagers piled out. It was to be the first of many moments of overwhelming gratefulness and awe with so many people who had sacrificed a lazy Sunday afternoon, to make the 2 hour plus drive to Eden. My daughter had specifically invited her community...the Senior Youth group from our church. All but a few were able to make the trek, along with some very gracious and giving parents who drove them.  A special thank you to Mum and Dad Ogilvie for sharing this moment with us.


My extra special gift was my sister, who, although she was adding another celebration to her trip, had traveled 5 hours to be at this one. "Thank you my dear Charmaine, for the gift of your presence...and for capturing this celebration in picture."


Choosing Eden as the place to celebrate my daughter's next step in her faith journey, truly was right and good in so many ways. Neither my daughter, nor I, relish being in the public's eye. We tend to lean towards anxiety in moments that call for being on center stage and all the dynamics which are a part of a planned service. So, walking casually down to the lake,with beach towels and cameras and the community surrounding us, felt so relaxed. And when my daughter and niece had to return to the cottage to retrieve a camera with a charged battery, well, it just wasn't an issue. We could wait.


But not for long!  The waters of baptism were beckoning us.


My husband welcomed friends and family, sharing with all of us, the meaning and purpose of baptism.

 The blessings of community...

Ashley shared a couple of lines from a song by Reliant K...concluding with, "I'm going to love You with my life."

 Simple, but purposeful words were what I shared with my daughter.

"

"My dear Ashley...It was on November 10, 1998 that you and I prayed together as you asked Jesus Christ to be your forever Friend.  You were 3 years and 4 months old.  It was a very special moment for me.  Over the years I have watched you grow in your understanding of God, your faith in Him and your love for Him.  Today holds another treasured moment as I have the privilege of baptizing you.

 Hewbrews 13:8is an amazing verse that has meant so much to me throughout my journey as a Christ follower.  It says, 'Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today, yes and forever.'  As you already know, life people and circumstances are always changing.  Jesus Christ never does.  In choosing to follow Christ, you have made the most important decision you will ever make.  He alone, will be your constant, sure, security each and every day of your life.  My deepest prayer is that you will pursue Him with all of your heart, and cling to Him with all of your strength as you continue walking life's journey.  I love you Ashley Faith...all the way to the moon and back."


Our joy-filled moment...

Ashley Faith...I baptize you...

i

in the name of the Father, the Son...

a

and the Holy Spirit.

 
Oh what a celebration!!!!!

My beaming daughter...

Thank You my Father...for your obvious and gracious blessing to us...for the moment You made in our lives this day.