Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Coming Home for Christmas
"God of love,
I long to come home to you this day.
Help me lay aside all my baggage
and enter through your open doors.
Let me rest in your love and grace.
Amen."
--Beth A. Richardson
I so need to come "home" this Christmas. Come Home to Jesus.
The past few weeks have not unfolded as I had wanted them to. I had started Christmas preparation late, but I felt that I had planned for this in simplifying specific areas.
But somehow I got lost.
I had already felt that pull of the needs of so many hurting people. And I knew that I couldn't care for them all tangibly. I knew that Emmanuel...God-with-us was the only One able to be with them in their pain. But still I placed their burdens on my shoulders and either sought for ways to express care, or lamented my inability.
Then there are all the little extras the I so enjoy adding to the wrapping of gifts or the "one more touch" that will complete my home or the menu or the gift itself. Too often I pushed myself beyond what was healthy for me.
And who can forget the added stress that comes with wondering, hoping, yes, worrying that the receiver actually appreciates the gift. Maybe someone won't understand why I bought gift cards this year and be put out. What if what I labored through the malls for, ends up being too much or too little or just plain wrong? What if some of the shopping I did online comes across as impersonal? Why do I have to tell them anyway? And on and on my mind raced.
Yesterday morning when I read the above prose, I felt the tears welling and my body physically sighing. Oh yes...to come home to Jesus would be such a beautiful gift. To leave all of the baggage outside the door and just enter in...to His rest and love and grace.
Tonight is Christmas Eve and a service awaits me..."Let it Be Christmas". I just want to "let it be"...I need to just "be" with Jesus and let Him come to me and cover my brokenness.
"God of love,
I long to come home to you this day..."
Help me lay aside all my baggage
and enter through your open doors.
Let me rest in your love and grace.
Amen."
--Beth A. Richardson
I so need to come "home" this Christmas. Come Home to Jesus.
The past few weeks have not unfolded as I had wanted them to. I had started Christmas preparation late, but I felt that I had planned for this in simplifying specific areas.
But somehow I got lost.
I had already felt that pull of the needs of so many hurting people. And I knew that I couldn't care for them all tangibly. I knew that Emmanuel...God-with-us was the only One able to be with them in their pain. But still I placed their burdens on my shoulders and either sought for ways to express care, or lamented my inability.
Then there are all the little extras the I so enjoy adding to the wrapping of gifts or the "one more touch" that will complete my home or the menu or the gift itself. Too often I pushed myself beyond what was healthy for me.
And who can forget the added stress that comes with wondering, hoping, yes, worrying that the receiver actually appreciates the gift. Maybe someone won't understand why I bought gift cards this year and be put out. What if what I labored through the malls for, ends up being too much or too little or just plain wrong? What if some of the shopping I did online comes across as impersonal? Why do I have to tell them anyway? And on and on my mind raced.
Yesterday morning when I read the above prose, I felt the tears welling and my body physically sighing. Oh yes...to come home to Jesus would be such a beautiful gift. To leave all of the baggage outside the door and just enter in...to His rest and love and grace.
Tonight is Christmas Eve and a service awaits me..."Let it Be Christmas". I just want to "let it be"...I need to just "be" with Jesus and let Him come to me and cover my brokenness.
"God of love,
I long to come home to you this day..."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Joy
Sunday marked the third week of Advent, traditionally inviting us to Joy. Joy it was, that filled my soul as I sat with my husband and two children in a casual restaurant Sunday evening. We had come together to celebrate 24 years of sobriety for my husband. I suppose after 24 years, it could seem "old". It has been a long time since Brian lived his "former" life. I didn't even know him, and our kids of course, were not even in existence. Brian is the only one who truly understands what this gift of 24 years means, but there is something inside each of us, that claims an allegiance to this day.
I'm not sure that I can adequately frame words around this celebration.
Life.
Life seems to be the closest I can come to what his sobriety means to me personally.
His sobriety gave him a new life.
Three years later, when he surrendered his life to Christ, then it was His Joy that began seeping in.
I remember hearing these words many years ago: "Joy is all wrapped up in Jesus."
It's what kept pulsing through my veins Sunday evening...this is Joy!!
This celebration.
Our togetherness as a family.
Our healing as a family.
It's Joy because it's all wrapped up in Jesus.
I suppose I have alluded to times of conflict within our home. You know...the whole sibling rivalry thing. And sometimes that's all it was, but at other times...a lot of other times, the undercurrent between my children was much stronger. And the prayer of my heart was for healing. More recently, I had sent a plea to a friend to pray for healing. Deep, powerful healing.
Two nights ago, I sat and watched my babes interact with each other: laughing and talking and playing...giving attention and respect and kindness to one another. And I was overcome with pure Joy. I felt as though I was witnessing God answer prayer right before my eyes. Joy because it was all wrapped up in Jesus.
I came home filled.
Joy-filled.
I have this prayer posted above my kitchen sink:
"God of Advent Joy
keep my eyes and heart
open to signs of
Your coming.
May I be joyously expectant
seeing Your coming
in a million ways.
Amen."
What joy it was to see His coming to us.
I'm not sure that I can adequately frame words around this celebration.
Life.
Life seems to be the closest I can come to what his sobriety means to me personally.
His sobriety gave him a new life.
Three years later, when he surrendered his life to Christ, then it was His Joy that began seeping in.
I remember hearing these words many years ago: "Joy is all wrapped up in Jesus."
It's what kept pulsing through my veins Sunday evening...this is Joy!!
This celebration.
Our togetherness as a family.
Our healing as a family.
It's Joy because it's all wrapped up in Jesus.
I suppose I have alluded to times of conflict within our home. You know...the whole sibling rivalry thing. And sometimes that's all it was, but at other times...a lot of other times, the undercurrent between my children was much stronger. And the prayer of my heart was for healing. More recently, I had sent a plea to a friend to pray for healing. Deep, powerful healing.
I came home filled.
Joy-filled.
I have this prayer posted above my kitchen sink:
"God of Advent Joy
keep my eyes and heart
open to signs of
Your coming.
May I be joyously expectant
seeing Your coming
in a million ways.
Amen."
What joy it was to see His coming to us.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Gift of What's Missing
I am finding myself in a familiar place. That place of being aware of overwhelming need. The Christmas season highlights the neediness of either ourselves or those around us. Whether we feel inadequate to accomplish the additional demands of this time of year, or are struggling with the darker sides of life, that which we "need" but don't have, appears glaring. The bountiful lights strung in nearly every home are no match. We can't see past our need.
I've limped through many a Christmas season. And although there are empty places this year as well, they are not all consuming for which I am grateful. My emotional health is manageable and I have been kinder to myself about what is "necessary" for Christmas to happen. (As if it depends on me!!)
But I have to admit that hearing of so many of whom I care about, whose souls have been exposed to the harsh ways of our broken world....this has been weighing on me. I want so desperately to bring a gift of comfort...to ease the wounds...to shine a light into the shadows of their day. And at times I am able to provide what my heart desires. But I can't speak into all of their lives...be the voice of hope. There are too many and I am only one. And I can be unrealistically cruel to myself carrying around their burdens, egotistically believing it all depends on me.
Several days ago, in the midst of bending beneath the load of others, the Spirit reminded me of some words from Thomas Kinkade in his Advent Devotional called, "Christ, the Light of the World". He believes that we should refer to these times in our lives as "the gift of what's missing". His following thoughts are so very thought provoking:
"The places where life is unsatisfactory or incomplete
or lacking--that's where we have room to grow.
What we lack, what we yearn for,
can fire our imaginations, motivate our actions,
strengthen our faith--and those are all good gifts.
It's not automatic, of course. A lot depends on attitude.
If we let ourselves marinate in bitterness and resentment,
chances are our lives will seem shabbier, less satisfactory,
less hopeful by the year.
But if we persist in perceiving all of life as a gift,
maintaining an attitude of thankfulness,
even for the areas that fail to satisfy,
if we practice faith in God's goodness
and keep ourselves open to the workings of the Holy Spirit,
I believe we'll gradually see life changing for the better.
Maybe we'll end up with a picture-perfect white Christmas--
or maybe we won't.
But we'll still be living into our dreams.
And we'll still be moving forward into joy."
The truth is that we all have choices in how we walk through the difficult seasons in our lives; those times when we are in need. We decide how much of the pain we open up to God and how much we keep to ourselves. We decide if we will reach out to others or close our hearts to those able and willing to give.
Another truth? God calls me to give to others and then remember that He is the only Emmanuel...God-with-us. The One Whose never-ending abundance is available to all.
The closing prayer of this particular devotional is powerful, honest...a heart of surrender.
"Dear Father, You come to me in both my satisfaction
and my emptiness, but I come to You more easily
when there is an empty spot in my life.
So I thank You for the gift of what's missing.
I invite You to fill my dreams, shape my growth,
and point me in the way of true fulfillment."
May this be our prayer as we hold the empty places of our lives up to Him.
I've limped through many a Christmas season. And although there are empty places this year as well, they are not all consuming for which I am grateful. My emotional health is manageable and I have been kinder to myself about what is "necessary" for Christmas to happen. (As if it depends on me!!)
But I have to admit that hearing of so many of whom I care about, whose souls have been exposed to the harsh ways of our broken world....this has been weighing on me. I want so desperately to bring a gift of comfort...to ease the wounds...to shine a light into the shadows of their day. And at times I am able to provide what my heart desires. But I can't speak into all of their lives...be the voice of hope. There are too many and I am only one. And I can be unrealistically cruel to myself carrying around their burdens, egotistically believing it all depends on me.
Several days ago, in the midst of bending beneath the load of others, the Spirit reminded me of some words from Thomas Kinkade in his Advent Devotional called, "Christ, the Light of the World". He believes that we should refer to these times in our lives as "the gift of what's missing". His following thoughts are so very thought provoking:
"The places where life is unsatisfactory or incomplete
or lacking--that's where we have room to grow.
What we lack, what we yearn for,
can fire our imaginations, motivate our actions,
strengthen our faith--and those are all good gifts.
It's not automatic, of course. A lot depends on attitude.
If we let ourselves marinate in bitterness and resentment,
chances are our lives will seem shabbier, less satisfactory,
less hopeful by the year.
But if we persist in perceiving all of life as a gift,
maintaining an attitude of thankfulness,
even for the areas that fail to satisfy,
if we practice faith in God's goodness
and keep ourselves open to the workings of the Holy Spirit,
I believe we'll gradually see life changing for the better.
Maybe we'll end up with a picture-perfect white Christmas--
or maybe we won't.
But we'll still be living into our dreams.
And we'll still be moving forward into joy."
The truth is that we all have choices in how we walk through the difficult seasons in our lives; those times when we are in need. We decide how much of the pain we open up to God and how much we keep to ourselves. We decide if we will reach out to others or close our hearts to those able and willing to give.
Another truth? God calls me to give to others and then remember that He is the only Emmanuel...God-with-us. The One Whose never-ending abundance is available to all.
The closing prayer of this particular devotional is powerful, honest...a heart of surrender.
"Dear Father, You come to me in both my satisfaction
and my emptiness, but I come to You more easily
when there is an empty spot in my life.
So I thank You for the gift of what's missing.
I invite You to fill my dreams, shape my growth,
and point me in the way of true fulfillment."
May this be our prayer as we hold the empty places of our lives up to Him.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
While We Wait
She began today with hope. And though she had me winding through a maze of biblical stories so "un-advent-like" I felt,...I pushed through with desire. And hope began to shine through...fresh...wild...God-like. His redemptive weaving throughout history that can only be spiritually discerned, filled page after page.
"We often use the word hope as if hope were a fragile thing. We say, 'I hope you can come with us.' And someone answers, 'I hope so too, but it doesn't look promising.'" She got me here. This is so often how I use the word hope.
"The hope we read about in the Bible is much more robust....biblical hope is a powerful force for change." Do I ever hope like this? When waiting on God, pleading with God, listening for God...can I say that my hope is robust?
"We do not have to understand the whole of what God is doing in order to be part of it." Mmmm...such powerful, necessary words. How frequently I "demand" to know the "whole of God" before I step out.
"Oh Jesus...increase the expectancy in my soul!!!"
"In this season of hope, we are invited to look for the wonders that show us God is still at work in our world and in us.
'What will you give me?' we ask.
Hope holds with it the promise that God always answers our question by showing up, not necessarily with what we ask for but with remarkable gifts that change our lives and the world."
There is an abundance of ways for my soul to interact with the above words and more. Throughout the coming week, the author's reflective thoughts and questions will provide me with a rich space to do just.
I leap into hope.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Happy Anniversary to ME!!
It was one week ago today that I started on the Insulin Pump.
I LOVE IT!!!
Seriously, I had no idea I would love it this quickly. Even on the second day I was thinking..."This is awesome!" I'm already having times where I forget that I'm even wearing it! For sure, reading the user manual and practicing has made the difference.
The diabetes educator has started me on just the basics, but still, I actually understand this. Who knew??!!! The way in which the pump works makes sense to me. For a time there, I was wondering if I would ever "get it". Yes, my user manual is always at the ready, which has been so very helpful... especially when I need to fill a new reservoir and change the site of infusion, etc. This is required every 3 days. I gather all my supplies and sit down at a table with my manual and work through it step by step. I've had some tense moments, but in the end, everything works like a charm.
I suppose it stands to reason that the cannula, which is what is actually inserted under my skin, would not cause any discomfort, otherwise who would stick(no pun intended) with this type of treatment. But it still is surprising to me that I don't feel it at all. (Okay, so maybe once and awhile I feel a pinch, but rarely)
The next step, after talking to the educator today, is to bring tighter control to my blood sugars. She was letting them run a little high as we were trying to discern my insulin requirements. They are typically 25% less when using the pump than on the insulin pen or syringe. So...now we are aiming for sugars between 5-7. My pump is programmed with these numbers, which means that at the set times I have for checking blood sugars, the pump will beep and tell me if they are out of the target range. I'm expecting to hear a lot of beeps over the next while as we begin this stage of fine tuning.
This was probably "too much information", but it is my new life and at the present, a very big part of it.
All in all, this is a wonderful early Christmas gift. Oh!!! My pump just beeped...time to check my 2-hours-after-a-meal-blood sugar.
I LOVE IT!!!
Seriously, I had no idea I would love it this quickly. Even on the second day I was thinking..."This is awesome!" I'm already having times where I forget that I'm even wearing it! For sure, reading the user manual and practicing has made the difference.
The diabetes educator has started me on just the basics, but still, I actually understand this. Who knew??!!! The way in which the pump works makes sense to me. For a time there, I was wondering if I would ever "get it". Yes, my user manual is always at the ready, which has been so very helpful... especially when I need to fill a new reservoir and change the site of infusion, etc. This is required every 3 days. I gather all my supplies and sit down at a table with my manual and work through it step by step. I've had some tense moments, but in the end, everything works like a charm.
I suppose it stands to reason that the cannula, which is what is actually inserted under my skin, would not cause any discomfort, otherwise who would stick(no pun intended) with this type of treatment. But it still is surprising to me that I don't feel it at all. (Okay, so maybe once and awhile I feel a pinch, but rarely)
The next step, after talking to the educator today, is to bring tighter control to my blood sugars. She was letting them run a little high as we were trying to discern my insulin requirements. They are typically 25% less when using the pump than on the insulin pen or syringe. So...now we are aiming for sugars between 5-7. My pump is programmed with these numbers, which means that at the set times I have for checking blood sugars, the pump will beep and tell me if they are out of the target range. I'm expecting to hear a lot of beeps over the next while as we begin this stage of fine tuning.
This was probably "too much information", but it is my new life and at the present, a very big part of it.
All in all, this is a wonderful early Christmas gift. Oh!!! My pump just beeped...time to check my 2-hours-after-a-meal-blood sugar.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Fills my Soul
He is quite proud of his new jacket. He's one of the "Aggies" :) Sporting his attire, he took us on a walking tour of the part of the campus where he spends most of his time. I find it so helpful to now have a picture in my mind of where he is at times throughout the day.
What followed was every mother's dream...when her boy makes supper for HER!!! It was a fun reversal of roles to watch him preparing vegetables to saute, and then turn to me to ask if I would dice up tomatoes. We enjoyed delicious fajitas with a spicy Korean pork. The veggies were fresh from the market that morning :)
There is something so very meaningful about sitting around the table talking and sharing deeply spiritual experiences as adults. God has such a hold on Cam's life and is moving in him in some very powerful ways.
The way his heart is so bravely open to a life of ministry way beyond comfort zones.
The way he so willingly and flexibly lives on a daily basis.
The way in which he seeks to know God and His truth.
The way he is moving into a deeper life of prayer.
It is humbling to sit back as a parent KNOWING that only God could accomplish all that you are witnessing.
For a short time we retired to the living room while Cam played keyboard and sang. Sigh. Oh how it fills my soul to have moments of worship because of the abundance of Christ's life within him.
So very grateful for our time together.
Blessings on your life my boy.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Countdown is On
While some of you are probably thinking that I am already counting the days until Christmas, the truth is that in many ways, the upcoming season is on the back burner of my mind.
At the forefront is this magical device known as the insulin pump which arrived in my home 3 weeks ago. I have been "playing" with it, as they say, trying to familiarize myself with this computer-like device that is about to transform my life.
Initially, it was completely overwhelming, and yes, a meltdown did occur that first day, as I inserted the battery and tried relentlessly to set the time. I did not get off to a very good start, shall we say. However, a day later, and another pair of eyes to assist me, and the learning began. The user manual is over 200 pages long. I am nearing the end. Whew!
Being technologically inclined is not one of my strong suits, which I know has added to the intensity of this little piece of wonder. But there is also the reality that this pump is going to be my "life line" and knowing its functions inside and out is paramount. So yes, that adds some pressure to this learning curve.
I just came from a training session at the Diabetes Education Center at one of our hospitals, and although I am tired and my brain is a little fried, I was encouraged by how much I knew. The dietitian who was training me said that some individuals hardly do more than install the battery before they come for training. Thankfully, I understood all that she was explaining to me, which not only puts my mind at ease here and now, but will allow me to go into my next training with at least some level of confidence.
And so this is it!!
This is what I have been pursuing since the spring.
The countdown is on!!!
A week from today, I will be trained on how to put insulin into the reservoir, program necessary numbers, and practice insertion, etc. At approximately 11:00am Tuesday November 15 I will walk out of the clinic wearing my insulin pump. Wow!!! That even sounds surreal to me. And yes, a little nerve racking . But, I will have daily support from the clinic for the first few weeks, which is a great comfort. As time goes on, I will learn more of how to utilize the pump to its full potential, but I will start with just the basics.
I'm not really sure how Christmas is going to unfold in this home. Oh, Christmas will still come! It is not dependent on me...thankfully. But, there's no doubt that the continued learning, fine-tuning and adjustment that is required, is going to be time and energy consuming, And that is just a reality. Because of who I am, my energy resources are often limited anyway. As a result, I have already planned some simpler gift-giving ideas, and have already given myself "permission" to opt out of Christmas cards if necessary(did I just say that????!!!!) and simplify decorating. And if you know me, then you know that these "trimmings" of Christmas are filled with a deep, personal part of myself that is in every way, an act of ministry. Letting go will be a sacrifice....
But God knows. And over the coming days and weeks, I will seek to rest in His sufficiency for each day, His guidance in the insignificant and significant details of life, and His wisdom to be discerning amidst it all
In the meantime, I'm in countdown mode :)
At the forefront is this magical device known as the insulin pump which arrived in my home 3 weeks ago. I have been "playing" with it, as they say, trying to familiarize myself with this computer-like device that is about to transform my life.
Initially, it was completely overwhelming, and yes, a meltdown did occur that first day, as I inserted the battery and tried relentlessly to set the time. I did not get off to a very good start, shall we say. However, a day later, and another pair of eyes to assist me, and the learning began. The user manual is over 200 pages long. I am nearing the end. Whew!
Being technologically inclined is not one of my strong suits, which I know has added to the intensity of this little piece of wonder. But there is also the reality that this pump is going to be my "life line" and knowing its functions inside and out is paramount. So yes, that adds some pressure to this learning curve.
I just came from a training session at the Diabetes Education Center at one of our hospitals, and although I am tired and my brain is a little fried, I was encouraged by how much I knew. The dietitian who was training me said that some individuals hardly do more than install the battery before they come for training. Thankfully, I understood all that she was explaining to me, which not only puts my mind at ease here and now, but will allow me to go into my next training with at least some level of confidence.
And so this is it!!
This is what I have been pursuing since the spring.
The countdown is on!!!
A week from today, I will be trained on how to put insulin into the reservoir, program necessary numbers, and practice insertion, etc. At approximately 11:00am Tuesday November 15 I will walk out of the clinic wearing my insulin pump. Wow!!! That even sounds surreal to me. And yes, a little nerve racking . But, I will have daily support from the clinic for the first few weeks, which is a great comfort. As time goes on, I will learn more of how to utilize the pump to its full potential, but I will start with just the basics.
I'm not really sure how Christmas is going to unfold in this home. Oh, Christmas will still come! It is not dependent on me...thankfully. But, there's no doubt that the continued learning, fine-tuning and adjustment that is required, is going to be time and energy consuming, And that is just a reality. Because of who I am, my energy resources are often limited anyway. As a result, I have already planned some simpler gift-giving ideas, and have already given myself "permission" to opt out of Christmas cards if necessary(did I just say that????!!!!) and simplify decorating. And if you know me, then you know that these "trimmings" of Christmas are filled with a deep, personal part of myself that is in every way, an act of ministry. Letting go will be a sacrifice....
But God knows. And over the coming days and weeks, I will seek to rest in His sufficiency for each day, His guidance in the insignificant and significant details of life, and His wisdom to be discerning amidst it all
In the meantime, I'm in countdown mode :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunshine and Shadows
Trust me...this is worth celebrating and announcing, because there is a lengthy distance between living life in the shadows or living life in the sunshine. It changes everything. And I mean everything.
I know that shadows have their purpose, and they will return...that's just part of life...for all of us. But right now I will bask in the sunshine, give thanks, and enjoy.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Silence?
"I don't like the pain
But I do love Jesus
And he knows the pain.
So if pain brings me
Closer to Jesus
I will be silent
With an outstretched hand."
--Kathryn Rathert
I don't like the pain...the challenging days I am living through.
Oh, but I so love my Lord and there is a degree of comfort in knowing that He does know pain firsthand and in turn knows about mine.
As much as I would desire an end to this season I am in, I cannot deny that it intensifies my dependence on Him and causes me to pursue His higher ways.
In short, pain draws me closer to Jesus.
In many ways I can identify with the woman who thought, "If I just touch His garments, I shall get well." (Mark 5:28) My posture is such that I feel my heart and hands outstretched...and oh...if only I could just touch His garments.
I am everything the writer Kathryn expresses in her prose.
Except silent.
I am not silent.
At times I am David protesting, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge From the stormy wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8
Sometimes I utter Jesus' own words, "Father, if You are willing remove this cup from Me------yet not My will but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
In other moments I am like the writer of Lamentations, one minute lamenting, "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, And so has my hope from the Lord." Lamentations 3:17, 18 Hours later I have returned from the pit and able to say, "This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail..." vs. 21,22
It is rare, but there have been spaces of time where I truly believe Paul's take on suffering..."For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Philippians 1:30 Paul makes suffering sound like a gift!!!!
For sure I have mouthed Job's words. "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me. Is it right for You to oppress...?" Job 10:1-3a But I have also, as Job did, "repented in dust and ashes..." 42:6 as I have come face to face with His sovereinty.
I have rejoiced with Isaiah, from the depths of my being as he promises a beautiful future, "No longer will you have the sun for light by day, Nor for brightness will the moon give you light; But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, And your God for your glory...and the days of your mourning will be finished." Isaiah 60:19, 20b
Recently I have been challenged by one of Paul's prayers. The first line I can pray effortlessly... "That I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection..." Oh yes!! I want to know this totality of power in my life!! But the next few words I can barely choke out..."and the fellowship of His sufferings..." Philippians 3:10 Do I really and truly want that??? !! To share in the sufferings of Christ??? !!! And yet I have found myself whispering those words.
Silence in suffering? There may be those whose faith never wavers, whose soul is forever strong and trusting, but I have never been able to set down roots in this camp. I have cursed and questioned and struggled and fought and complained and lamented and begged for freedom from this emotional pain.
But I have also worshiped and honored and praised and revered and given my life to this God who defies understanding. I have never stopped loving my Jesus and He continues to patiently love me...not in return, but first and always and forever.
Today, I am David once again. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 No searching frantically for a reason or an end to the shadows. Just still. Still in the truth that He is God.
For now, I am silent.
But I do love Jesus
And he knows the pain.
So if pain brings me
Closer to Jesus
I will be silent
With an outstretched hand."
--Kathryn Rathert
I don't like the pain...the challenging days I am living through.
Oh, but I so love my Lord and there is a degree of comfort in knowing that He does know pain firsthand and in turn knows about mine.
As much as I would desire an end to this season I am in, I cannot deny that it intensifies my dependence on Him and causes me to pursue His higher ways.
In short, pain draws me closer to Jesus.
In many ways I can identify with the woman who thought, "If I just touch His garments, I shall get well." (Mark 5:28) My posture is such that I feel my heart and hands outstretched...and oh...if only I could just touch His garments.
I am everything the writer Kathryn expresses in her prose.
Except silent.
I am not silent.
At times I am David protesting, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge From the stormy wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8
Sometimes I utter Jesus' own words, "Father, if You are willing remove this cup from Me------yet not My will but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
In other moments I am like the writer of Lamentations, one minute lamenting, "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, And so has my hope from the Lord." Lamentations 3:17, 18 Hours later I have returned from the pit and able to say, "This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail..." vs. 21,22
It is rare, but there have been spaces of time where I truly believe Paul's take on suffering..."For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Philippians 1:30 Paul makes suffering sound like a gift!!!!
For sure I have mouthed Job's words. "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me. Is it right for You to oppress...?" Job 10:1-3a But I have also, as Job did, "repented in dust and ashes..." 42:6 as I have come face to face with His sovereinty.
I have rejoiced with Isaiah, from the depths of my being as he promises a beautiful future, "No longer will you have the sun for light by day, Nor for brightness will the moon give you light; But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, And your God for your glory...and the days of your mourning will be finished." Isaiah 60:19, 20b
Recently I have been challenged by one of Paul's prayers. The first line I can pray effortlessly... "That I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection..." Oh yes!! I want to know this totality of power in my life!! But the next few words I can barely choke out..."and the fellowship of His sufferings..." Philippians 3:10 Do I really and truly want that??? !! To share in the sufferings of Christ??? !!! And yet I have found myself whispering those words.
Silence in suffering? There may be those whose faith never wavers, whose soul is forever strong and trusting, but I have never been able to set down roots in this camp. I have cursed and questioned and struggled and fought and complained and lamented and begged for freedom from this emotional pain.
But I have also worshiped and honored and praised and revered and given my life to this God who defies understanding. I have never stopped loving my Jesus and He continues to patiently love me...not in return, but first and always and forever.
Today, I am David once again. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 No searching frantically for a reason or an end to the shadows. Just still. Still in the truth that He is God.
For now, I am silent.
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