Silence?

"I don't like the pain
But I do love Jesus
And he knows the pain.

So if pain brings me
Closer to Jesus
I will be silent
With an outstretched hand."
--Kathryn Rathert

I don't like the pain...the challenging days I am living through.

Oh, but I so love my Lord and there is a degree of comfort in knowing that He does know pain firsthand and in turn knows about mine.

As much as I would desire an end to this season I am in, I cannot deny that it intensifies my dependence on Him and causes me to pursue His higher ways.

In short, pain draws me closer to Jesus.

In many ways I can identify with the woman who thought, "If I just touch His garments, I shall get well." (Mark 5:28)  My  posture is such that I feel my heart and hands outstretched...and oh...if only I could just touch His garments.

I am everything the writer Kathryn expresses in her prose.

Except silent.

I am not silent.

At times I am David protesting, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest...I would lodge in the wilderness.  I would hasten to my place of refuge From the stormy wind and tempest."  Psalm 55:6-8

Sometimes I utter Jesus' own words, "Father, if You are willing remove this cup from Me------yet not My will but Yours be done."  Luke 22:42

In other moments I am like the writer of Lamentations, one minute lamenting, "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness.  So I say, 'My strength has perished, And so has my hope from the Lord."  Lamentations 3:17, 18  Hours later I have returned from the pit and able to say, "This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope.  The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail..."  vs. 21,22

 It is  rare, but there have been spaces of time where I truly believe Paul's take on suffering..."For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake."  Philippians 1:30  Paul makes suffering sound like a gift!!!!

For sure I have mouthed Job's words.  "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.  I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me.  Is it right for You to oppress...?"  Job 10:1-3a  But I have also, as Job did, "repented in dust and ashes..."  42:6 as I have come face to face with His sovereinty.

I have rejoiced with Isaiah, from the depths of my being as he promises a beautiful future, "No longer will you have the sun for light by day, Nor for brightness will the moon give you light; But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, And your God for your glory...and the days of your mourning will be finished."  Isaiah 60:19, 20b

Recently I have been challenged by one of Paul's prayers.  The first line I can pray effortlessly... "That I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection..."  Oh yes!!  I want to know this totality of power in my life!!  But the next few words I can barely choke out..."and the fellowship of His sufferings..."  Philippians 3:10  Do I really and truly want that??? !! To share in the sufferings of Christ???  !!!  And yet I have found myself whispering those words.

Silence in suffering?  There may be those whose faith never wavers, whose soul is forever strong and trusting, but I have never been able to set down roots in this camp.  I have cursed and questioned and struggled and fought and complained and lamented and begged for freedom from this emotional pain.

But I have also worshiped and honored and praised and revered and given my life to this God who defies understanding.   I have never stopped loving my Jesus and He continues to patiently love me...not in return, but first and always and forever.

Today, I am David once again.  "Be still and know that I am God..."  Psalm 46:10  No searching frantically for a reason or an end to the shadows.  Just still.  Still in the truth that He is God. 

For now, I am silent.