Welcome New Year...Welcome Grace

A new year is on the horizon.  Hours from now, in comfy homes and bustling restaurants, in quiet get togethers and rowdy parties, we will welcome in this blank slate of 2011.

Some will have already jotted down their resolutions for the new year; others continue to ponder what it is they hope to put feet to in the coming days and months.

I am welcoming grace.

Grace has never been my closest friend.  I've always been about no-nonsense rules, long lists and higher-than-I expectations.  My self-made or perceived laws tend to govern my daily living and quite frankly, leave me tired, disappointed and sparsely contented.  My desire to put to death this tug-of-war within is not something new, but how I am seeking to approach it is.  Instead of using phrases such as "have to" and "should" and "must", I am allowing even my words to be seasoned with grace.  That's why I am welcoming grace into my life this year.  I'm flinging open the door of my spirit and bidding her come.

I prefer not to call this a resolution.  A resolution, to me, is a little on the harsh side and leaves no room for failure, which is precisely what I am clamoring to get away from.  There's very little grace in a New Year's resolution.  One either meets the challenge or falls off the band wagon.  Failure.

So I am welcoming grace.

I desire to walk more closely with my Father and less competitively with others.

I long to rest more deeply in Christ and jump through fewer hoops of performance-laden living.


I plan to hide his Word of truth in my heart and have this drown out the false voices in my head.


I  aim to practice patience and kindness on myself and leave my self condemning attitudes by the wayside.

I yearn to experience the contentment of belonging to Him regardless of who else approves or doesn't approve of me.

I'm welcoming grace.

Those words, "welcoming grace", are so freeing for me.  They have this beautiful ring tone of eternity in them.  In my welcoming her, I can be assured she will stay.   Even when I fail... and I will, grace will still be there.  I may choose to not practice her presence, but God's lavish gift remains.  He is proficient at continually showering me with His grace.  Alleluia!

Let the calender turn its page, and a new year enter in.

Welcome grace.   

The Never Ending Story

Store decorations are coming down, the baking supply is dwindling, and I have waited in the customer service line(a short one) with a return.  All signs that Christmas is over.

But treasured family times and memories are on short recall.

 My dear daughter who got up at 7 a.m. Christmas morning to bake Jesus' birthday cake.  She was resting on the couch as it baked in the oven and the rest of us slept!

 Cam set to put yummy pork chops on the BBQ for our Christmas dinner.

 Ashley modeling her Aunt Tania's crocheted gift of hat, scarf and fingerless mitts.

 My kids...who are actually getting along this Christmas!!!  Harmony in the home is a lovely gift.

Cam's very first baking with yeast endeavour.  They were mouthwatering amazing!

It is the norm for me to often experience somewhat of a letdown once the big day has come and gone.  But this year has been different. This year I am more aware of that which continues on.  The One who is at the center of the season, is still at the center of my life.  The mind boggling story of perfect Love come to earth is not just a story for Christmas.  It is the Never Ending Story, and I'm wrapped up in this reality.  The story is not over; Jesus has not disappeared with the rest of Christmas.  He continues to pen His story in my life and to write the pages of His story throughout this broken world.  And with a new year just around the corner, I am reveling in this timeless gift.  I need this never ending gift.

So to all of you who thought it was all over, it's not!!!

Merry Christmas...forever.

Coming "Home" for Christmas

"God calls us to come home for Christmas.  
God calls us to come back from all those places where we have settled for less than the fullness of life promised to us in Christ.
God calls us back from all the ambitions and possessions we have pursued, thinking they would satisfy us.
God calls us to let go of any bitterness and resistance to forgive that block the light of love from warming us...
God calls us to come home and to rest, to be embraced by one who loves us as we are.
God offers us a place where we are fully known and also fully accepted."
--Mary Lou Redding
"While We Wait"

May you come "home" for Christmas to the One who waits for you.

Merry Christmas,
Juanita

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree--What a story you are telling this year...."

Last evening we "buried" our Christmas tree.  No, we are not bah humbugging the season, but our tree seemed to be.  We noticed shortly after decorating that a good number of needles were falling to the floor.  As the days passed, a daily carpeting was visible and I began to wonder if our tree was going to make it through to Christmas Day.  Several days ago, I noticed ornaments clumping together.  They were sliding down the branches into one another.  Many of the branches were in fact turning under as the needles effortlessly fell to the carpet.  The thought of purchasing another tree and redecorating did not appeal to me, but neither did the scene that was unfolding and knowing that this tree had no chance of surviving until the 25th.

So I called the Nursery and inquired as to whether they had heard other complaints of ultra dry tree.  "Yes, a few."  I explained the demise of our tree and was told a Fraser Fir (1 of the last remaining 7 trees at the Nursery) would be held just for us.  By now I was anxious to be rid of the corpse in my living room and anticipating a lush, fresh centerpiece.

Returning the brittle-branched tree was a feat in itself.  Wrapping it in a tarp helped prevent our van from succumbing to a green layer of prickles.  Upon arrival at the Nursery we were directed to the outdoor area where one lone Fraser Fir lay frozen against a wall.  Shall I say, one very tall Fraser Fir.  The tag read 12-14 feet.  Our ceiling is 8.  After sawing off 3-4 feet and a mountain of branches, we were set to go.

Removing Mr. Prickly from the back of the van resulted in the gentleman(Eric) assisting us to ask a question, "Did you put sugar in the water?"

"Yes"

"That's the worst thing for a tree...clogs up the pores."  He could tell instantly because of the black stump.

Did you know that?  We certainly didn't.  We've heard of many people who add sugar to their tree water.

So now, not only do we have a dead tree, but it appears that it was our own doing.  However, Eric, was in a very giving spirit, and insisted we take the Fraser Fir.  He could not be sure that it's fate did not also involve other elements.

Driving away with our new gem, I whispered my shock explaining to my hubby that I had noticed the price tag on the tree...$299.99!!!!!!!!!!  Eric GAVE us a $300 tree!!!!!  Unbelievable!

Three tree stands later, Sher is standing tall and gorgeous in our living room.  Yes, I named her "Sher" after the Nursery that so generously blessed us.  I say "three tree stands later", because our tree stand and one given to us by an acquaintance would not hold the weight of Sher.  Last night we went to bed as the "Leaning tower of Pisa" was anchored to the window frame.  This morning, the same Nursery had ONE LAST TREE STAND...a heavy duty steel base, and half price to boot.

Tonight, I am in awe as I gaze at what I believe is an extravagant gift from God.  We don't need Sher nor deserve her beauty.  We could have still had a wonderful Christmas without her.  But she has been given to us, and we are gratefully enjoying the unique way she has come to grace our home.

Don't expect to see Sher out on our boulevard the day after New Year's.  We plan to enjoy her well into January.

My Boy is Home!!!!!!!!!

Brian and I just got off the phone with Cam.  He's home from the Philippines!!!!!!!  It was sooooooo good to hear his voice!!!

It was a long trip home, with additional stopovers due to medical emergancies, delays, etc. But he's home.

He will still be in residence this week, debriefing the past 4 months as well as planning for the Expedition Party on Thursday evening.  It will be a night of pictures and stories and God's hand print on lives.  I can't wait.  My boy is home!!

On Friday he moves home, home!!  And I told him that my schedule is free that day, so I am able to come and pick him up at his beck and call. 

There will no doubt be challenges in learning to live together as a family again, but I believe his absence has done something inside of each one of us.  We are ALL anticipating our togetherness.   

My boy is home!!!

"Merciful Father, thank You for your protection, guidance and faithfulness to Cam."

Fully Present

This is my second year reading through Beth A. Richardson's Advent Devotional, "The Uncluttered Heart".  I love how the encouragement and challenges and comforts are fresh.  God's truth is always  in season regardless of having heard it before.  And His intimate ways are so obvious as He speaks to me each new day.

Today was timely, once again.  Allow me to share some of it with you.

"Being fully present in my body brings me into this moment--now.  Look!  I am seeing sunlight(or faces or Christmas lights).  Listen!  I am hearing music(or angry voices or laughter or silence).  Smell!  I am in the bakery (or the baby needs changing or the candles are lit).  Taste!  I am eating oatmeal(or coffee or something sweet).  Feel!  I am sitting in a chair(or I am hurting or I am tired).

Being fully present in my body allows me to turn to God more easily, staying open to God's leading in the next moment and the next and the next.  I am here, God.  What would you have me to do?  I am here, God.  Help me walk in peace.  I am here, God.  Give me wisdom and strength to face the next challenge.

Walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace."

That which resonated with me, was the call to be fully present, to enter into the realities of my life.  There was this sense of freedom in hearing "permission" to just be as I am.


The past couple of weeks have not found me perpetually singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  I am struggling emotionally again.  I hate that word...again.  I entered into the Christmas season with excitement and joy and anticipation.  But a certain level of this Christmas spirit has been overshadowed by the darker side that seems to never totally be gone from my life.  I have to be honest,  I'm disappointed and frustrated.  It's not the way I was planning for the month of December to unfold.  It's a challenge to enjoy all that I am "supposed" to enjoy, when I feel anxious, overwhelmed and fatigued.

But today, I felt a sense of freedom as I allowed myself to be fully present in my body, in the moment.   My eyes could focus on a flickering candle, a beautifully lit Christmas tree, and the gently falling snow outside my window.  My ears heard the swish of traffic on the wet streets, the heat pumping out of the vent beside me, even the sound of my pen as I wrote these thoughts.  My nose enjoyed the amazing aroma of the new scent of "McIntosh Cider" coming from my potpourri burner.  Sitting in my chair I felt its comfort and warmth, surrounding my tired body.   

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that regardless of all that I will experience, I still have the privilege of being fully present with all of who I am.  The Christ who came over 2000 years ago, beckons me to His side, as I am.  He will lead and provide and walk with me through each and every moment.

By His grace, I can walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace.

"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree"

I decorated our Christmas tree tonight.  The one that comes to within an inch of the ceiling.  It's ginormous, and we love it!!  Usually we look for one around 6 feet, but the nursery only had  7-8 foot Balsam fir, and I certainly was not going home "tree-less"!!!   The scent of Balsam draws me to inhale deeper.  It's difficult, but I patiently wait a couple of days for the branches to relax before hauling out all the decorations.

And so, in a quiet house, with Christmas music cheering me on, I began the yearly event.  It is always a nostalgic affair, and at times bittersweet.  Memories often come flooding back of times past.  I carefully place the ornament displaying my mother's picture in the center of the tree, remembering those seasons of deep grief.  I am able to smile and move on and not be catapulted into the sadness. 

I love how the majority of the ornaments remind me of the giver. 

Hand-made decorations made by the small hands of my children many years ago. 

The "five gold rings" ornament given to celebrate my husband's 5 years of sobriety.  That was 18 years ago!! 

A beautiful Betsie Goodman ball of a sleeping baby, given when Cam was born.  It tugs at my heart as I hang it on the tree, feeling the thousands of miles which separate us at present.

Oh, and the hand painted ball which traveled all the way from the Czech Republic, one of many treasured ornaments from a long-time friend.   

Hope are the words on one decoration.  It was what I so desparately needed for some very long, dark, pain-filled years. 

Speaking of hope, my Toronto Maple Leaf ball is sitting quietly beside, but in front of Brian's Boston Bruin Ball.  I wonder how long it will take him to notice my subtle hint.  I wonder how long I will have to hope before my Leaf's get their game together :) 

It was a gentle, happy-sad walk down memory lane tonight.  I suppose it's a reminder that my decorated tree is full of the bitter and the sweet, sort of like life.  And that's okay, because it's what makes living rich and full and wonderfully authentic.

Time to dim the lights, settle in with a warm blanket and enjoy.



 

 

Advent...His Coming

"God of Advent joy,                              
keep my eyes and heart open
to signs of your coming.
May I be joyously expectant,
seeing your coming
in a million ways.
Amen."
--Beth A. Richardson
"The Uncluttered Heart"

It's not something that just happens.  Without focus and choices and planning, Advent can simply be another word on the Christian calender.  For sure, my list of shopping and cards and decorating and gatherings is rather lengthy, and can at times be overwhelming.  Which is why, before I even start making my way through the maze of this season, I want to be steadfast about the deeper meaning.  I want my soul to be awake and alive to the God "who is coming".  And if I leave this all to happenstance, I know the days will rush by me, and I will arrive on Christmas Day, the day I celebrate His birth, and I will have missed "seeing his coming in a million ways". 

I know He is here, woven throughout my days, sometimes in obvious ways, and at other times, seemingly hidden.  That is, unless I am watching and listening and still and aware.  Today He showed up in a "chance" conversation, in a young woman's laughter, in the heaping pile of blessedness He dumps on me. 

On a whim, I decorated the inside of my home on Friday evening. The nostalgic beauty of decorations brought out of hiding, the familiar sounds of Christmas music, the flicker of candles and the shadows of lights, all serve to remind me that He is coming. 

I am joyously expectant.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 3

This will be the final part of "Out of the Mouths of Babes"

Ashley said she hopes I don't die until "you have wrinkles all over and you're ugly, and VERY elderly."  (Age 9)

This was a conversation with Brian's parents.  He was making a tongue and cheek comment saying, "We learned something new--Cameron is never wrong."
Without skipping a beat, Cam said, "You finally figured it out--and you've spent so much time reading all those books."  (Age 12)

A quote from Ashley:  "Parents and their sense of humor dies every day--it's tragic."  (Age 10)

"You don't have to hold back your tears for me, Mommy...I cry too...let it go."  (Ashley...Age 10, the night before one of Brian's surgeries)

I had been talking with Ashley about how she had been somewhat mean to a neighbour girl.
She said, "Everybody makes mistakes."
I said, "I know...I'm just asking you to think more carefully."
She responded, "I'm not the only kid who's made someone eat dirt before!"  (Age 10)

Following Cam's third blow-up since coming home from school, he came down from his room...put his arms around me, kissed me, and I said, "What am I going to do with you?"
His response:  "Love me tender."  (Age 14)

Four days prior to Cam and Brian leaving for Haiti.
I told Cam that I had cried during the time of commissioning that morning in church.
He smiled at me...gave me a long, big hug and said, "You did a good job of making me, Mom."  (Age 16)

It seems rather appropriate to leave off here, since that same young man, now two years older, is in the Philippines by now.  He left Thursday morning with a mission's team for a month long stay of ministry.  I trust that he has arrived safely, and know for certain, that a God-sized adventure awaits him.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 2

Further thoughts from my childrens' younger years.

When Ashley was 6, I went to see a neurologist because of tingling in my arms and legs.  I was trying to explain to her in a way that she could understand so I said, "I'm going to the hospital today for a test on my nerves to see how I can feel."
Her response was, "Oh, so you mean they're testing you about how you still have to apologize sometimes because you're a little mean."

Cameron talking with Brian after one of his meltdowns.
"Well Daddy, if you would just let me do what I want then I wouldn't have temper tantrums." (Age 9)

It was a very muddy day and Cameron asked to wear MY rubber boots to school after lunch at home.  When he got to school, he realized that they weren't very cool, but there wasn't time to come home again and change.  At the end of the day when he came home, I asked him how his afternoon was.  He said, "Not very good...kids were teasing me about my boots because they have a heel on them."
I replied, "I'm sorry honey."
Then he said, "Actually, I told a little lie....I told them that my other pair of boots say, 'I love Barney', so which do you think I would rather wear...daaaaaah."  (Age 10)

Ashley, after she and Cameron made bad choices at lunch--on our walk back to school she said emphatically, "But Mommy, how do we get the sin out of our minds?"  (Age 7)

Ashley
"I can't wait until we die, then I can have my own puppy, and we on't have to pay for it cuz everything will be free."  (Said with enthusiasm jumping around the kitchen) (Age 7)

A conversation with my children after Cameron said that EVERYONE in his class says that he's ugly.  (Turns out only one boy had said this)  Then, Ashley and I both told Cameron we thought he was handsome.
I said to him, "What do you think of yourself when you look in the mirror?"
He replied with a very male answer, "I don't think anything."
Then I asked Ashley the same question and she answered with the expression that belongs only to her, "I think I look great!" (Age 10 and 7)

Ashley's closing sentence to her prayer:  "And God, you sure do make my life much better than I thought it would be."  (Age 7)

Ashley...another bedtime prayer:  "Thank you for my puppies and my Mom and brover and my Dad, and me, DEFINETELY!"  (Age 8)

"Mommy, does everyone sin?"
"Yes Ashley."
"Because it seems like it's just our family that sins."  (Age 8)

"Mommy?"
"Yes, Ashley."
"I would risk my life to save you."  (Almost 8)

Commencement November 5, 2010

"We interrupt the scheduled series "Out of the Mouths of Babes", to celebrate the Grade 12 Graduation of one of those "babes"...Cameron Mark."


This past Friday evening was the Commencement ceremony for our son and his graduating class.

I suppose in some ways this event seemed like an afterthought, as he finished Grade 12 over 4 months ago, but the evening contained a wonderful air of excitement and celebration.

It was Cam's thrill and honor to receive the Primus Alumnus Award for his academic achievement and overall contribution to the school  This was unknown to him and to us, until we arrived.  A most memorable moment.

 "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time."
--Rabbinic proverb
Cam...you have marched to the beat of your own drum since the day you were born.  It has been one wild and crazy ride for the past 18 years.  We are so very proud of your hard work, and scholastic accomplishments.  But more than this, we are filled with joy as we have watched you embrace God on this pathway of life.  Our thank offering, is ultimately given to Him, who has clearly had His hand on your life each and every day.  We continue to give you to God, so that He may further the work He has begun in you...for His purposes. (Philippians 1:6)
Blessings, and our love and prayers...Mom and Dad