How Much It All Matters

"O persistent God,

let how much it all matters

pry me off of dead center

so if I am moved inside

to tears

or sighs

or screams

or smiles

or dreams,

they will be real

and I will be in touch with who I am

and who you are

and who my sisters and brothers are."

This last stanza of a prayer by Ted Loder in his book, "Guerillas of Grace--Prayers for the Battle" was a welcome affirmation of an action I took this past week.  Someone in my extended family is dying.  Though she may still have some months to live, the nature of her illness has already compromised her cognitive abilities.  It's been a slow and agonizing leaving of this world for some time now but the remaining time has been sped up by new information.

It's heavy on my heart...on Brian's heart...his family circle.  The "long goodbye" that cancer "affords" brings with it a world of suffering that we cannot begin to understand unless we have personally taken this journey.  We pray grace and strength into the lives of this tired family.

There is another matter which weighs heavy on my spirit.  God is not a part of this woman's life.  First, I cannot comprehend walking through any part of life, let alone heartache, without the presence of God to surround me, sustain me, and grace me with all that I need.  But further, the thought of facing eternity without the presence and hope of Jesus quite honestly cripples me with fear.  I am desperately in need of the hope of something tangible and secure in the life to come.  I NEED Jesus!

And oh how my heart wants this woman to spend her final days in the security of His presence with the hope of an eternity with Him.  She lives 6 hours from our home and at present, it is not good timing for this family to be receiving visitors.  Several days ago I created a card and penned a simple message of hope and an invitation to know God and welcome His presence into her life.  I mailed it this past Friday.  My spirit would not give me rest without taking action.  Eternity is in view!  We should live each day with eternity in view, but for most of us this is not what we do.  In these circumstances, I see it so clearly.  

So when I read the closing lines to this prayer...

"let how much it all matters pry me off of dead center

 so if I am moved inside..."

I said, "oh yes", in my spirit as my eyes traveled across the page. 
I sensed that I was in touch with my heart for those without God and  

in touch with the power of God and 

in touch with my "sister" bereft of God. 

I have no idea what her response will be.  She is free to say "no" to this invitation.

I have no knowledge of how much she will be able to even understand the message

Yet I know God's heart for her is persistent and the power of the Spirit to speak into her life is without limits.  

And so I pray for the orchestration of everything necessary to bring about an encounter between His Spirit and her own.  I pray that she will one day slip into eternity with His arms carrying her.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways My ways, 'declares the LORD. 

'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain and the snow come down from the heaven,

And do not return there without watering the earth,

And making it bear and sprout,

And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;

So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth;

It shall not return to Me empty,

Without accomplishing what I desire,

And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.'"

--Isaiah55:8-11

It's Time

When my Spiritual Director encouraged me to take some time to sequester my self and unpack and settle into our new home I was thankful and relieved for this "permission".  I was incredulous that it was actually legitimate to even do this and yet I felt it was so very important for my spirit.  She assured me that I would know when that time was complete.  For someone who lives by clocks and calendars this seemed unsettling.  What if I didn't know when this time had accomplished it's work?  What if I was never ready to engage with the world around me?

Surprise!!  I knew!!

In some ways the one season has gradually and effortlessly moved into the next.  And yet in other ways it's fresh and surprisingly new and exciting.  Part of me doesn't even feel as though the peaceful, sequestered time is behind me because the freshness of what now is still holds so much quiet and delight and contentedness   And if I had never taken the time to allow my spirit to shhh and settle, I wouldn't have been aware of the slow movement of the Spirit to hone my ministry and in some ways redirect it.

I find immense delight in my new home.  I continue to marvel and still repeat this mantra, "I can't believe we get to live here!!!"  At times the intensity of emotion is overwhelming.  I am sooooooooo happy and cannot stop basking in the goodness of this incredible gift.

It's time now to share this gift with others.  On Saturday I opened our home and hosted a bridal shower for my niece.  I can't tell you what joy I had in preparing my home for this occasion.  Sheer delight.  This afternoon my in laws are coming for tea.  I am already dreaming of preparing my table with scones and tea for these two beautiful people.  Wednesday evening the women from the small group that I'm a part of will bring their potluck dishes and dine at our table for our end of season celebration.  I will lovingly set my table with linen napkins and good china along with a spread of candles. 

It's time to give others a brief respite from the cares of life and enjoy the beauty and quiet nature of this gift of a home.  My challenge is going to be ensuring that my capacity is not overrun by my desire!!  I must remember that I don't have to invite everyone over within the coming month!!  haha

The kitchen here is a dream.  My previous kitchen of 23 plus years was a challenge in functionality, particularly to other people, but for me, it was all that I knew.  But now!!  Oh my!!  It's sheer delight to work in a functional environment.  I am having the time of my life cooking and baking in this new space.  This too contributes to the joy of not only opening my home but taking a little bit of my home to others in need.  A family from our church is in the midst of some very challenging health crisis.  What a delight to lovingly prepare a meal in tranquility of this new home and deliver to someone who desperately needs nourishment for body and soul.

For years now I have relished in the joy of creating cards and even managed to set up my own Card Studio in our previous home.  I have been abundantly blessed to be able to do the same here.  I am thoroughly enjoying this new area for creativity (along with a internet program which has untold helps for beautifying cards!!)  Who knew??!!!!!

If you find that words such as joy and delight and basking and gift and gratitude are overly repeated, I make no apologies.  I can't believe God has given all "this" for us to steward for a time!  What astounds me is how contented and filled I am--how life giving it is for me to serve others in these ways in this in this new home.  It's like nothing I have ever experienced!

It's time.

Ahhhh..

"Here I am Lord, use me."

D-Day

It's the feeling that comes over me now and then as I have approached April 24.  This sense of D-Day all over again--an invasion into my psyche regardless of how many years have passed.  This year it hasn't settled over me like a dark cloud for which I am grateful.  There are moments it is strong and invasive but most often is is just there--a lingering awareness just over my shoulder.   Tomorrow will mark 47 years since my mother was taken from my side and I was left with this invasion from the world of horror and confusion, grief and loss.  This year, unlike past years, has not bombarded me with questions or thoughts that I am bordering on neurotic for still being affected and saddened by her absence.  Another gift for me.  This year I remind myself of the intricacies surrounding my mother's death and my subsequent grief journey. In this way I have been able to normalize how her loss has impacted me.  Being five and having my Mama suddenly and violently disappear from my life was traumatic, plunging me into years of silence, denial, confusion and anger.  The sleeping giant of grief does that and as it awakens it summons pockets and layers of unresolved grief.  This is normalcy for me.  That years upon years lie in the wake does not matter to dormant emotions.  And so whether I am overcome with a new or old memory or if the day passes quietly I am okay and I will be okay.  Whatever unfolds will be.  This is a peaceful way to be right now.

April has always infiltrated me with mixed emotions.  I love spring!  The yawning earth opens her sleepy eyes and begins to come to life with her budding arrays of green springing forth everywhere.  But it's always contrasted with this dark day of remembering the death of a life so pivotal to mine.  And so when I turned the calendar page from March to April with a yearning for newness in the world around me, April 24 was weaving her painful memory in and through all the other preceding days.  This too is my normal.  So I have tried to listen to my spirit on any given day and let the clouds roll in or the to sun to break forth. 

This spring has opened a new window into the nuances of the month of April as I unpack and seek a new home for the treasured possessions which were my mothers.  I am not rushing this settling in for myself or these memory pieces.  I acknowledge the reality that she is not here for this new stage in my life and leave it at that.  This seems enough, at least today.   As the weeks have unfolded I have realized the many different ways in which God is teaching me to live unhurried.  Herein is another aspect whereby not everything needs to be placed immediately.  Decisions can be made methodically and reflectively.  There can be unknowing in these days of settling.  Did I just say this??
It's not how I normally live out my days which lends to my own understanding of why my winding path of grief has been such an affront for me.  There has been no flow or rhyme or reason to the nature of the path I have been on for 47 years.  How difficult it has been to navigate the rocky terrain when I am bent only on a smooth, unhindered road. But I am learning. With just hours from the dawning of a new day, of D-Day I am at rest..quiet.  I don't know how tomorrow will unfold.  I pray that I will receive it with open hands and trust that the presence of God will enfold me.  That is all I ask for.    

40 Days--A Sequestered Time

It will be two weeks tomorrow that all of our earthly possessions were loaded on a truck, leaving an empty house behind.  The majority of boxes are now unpacked in our new living space and within these four walls there is the breath of "home" which covers me in soothing and refreshing ways.
The walls remain bare to a large extent but this will change throughout the coming weeks. The guest room which will be home for our adult children when they stay overnight has yet to be tackled.  It is the catch all center for empty boxes and  all that has been collected during my second purge.  It too is on my list to transform this week.

Since it has been 23 1/2 years since we last moved, I had very little recollection of the grandiose proportions of what a move entailed.  As the days have unfolded I am realizing that unpacking and settling are two very different things.  Emptying boxes was and is a joy in and of itself.  It was like Christmas with each tearing off of the tape and unwrapping of items.  It has been a time of wonderful delight!  Finding just the right place of everything has been equally enjoyable...life-giving really.  At times I can't sleep as my mind decorates room after room in the wee hours of the morning.  I'm tired!!  haha

Another side of moving has been the myriad of thoughts and emotions circulating within.  I continue to walk through this home, while my spirit wells up with deep gratitude: "I can't believe we get to live here!!"  This is such a beautiful gift of a home and I am enthralled with all that has been given to us. I truly am basking in it!

During that first week I sensed that it was important to sequester myself and plunge into unpacking and organizing and creating a new home.  I continued in this vein last week but soon began to feel that "pull" from the outside world that I "should" reengage with the rest of life.  I realized that there were actually aspects of reengagment that  I was dreading and I shared this with my Spiritual Director.  I acknowledged not only the inner sense I had that this move was a "starting over" time for me, but also the desire, somewhat naive I recognize, in which I hoped that in this new environment I could and would actually interact with life in new and fresh and stronger ways.  She reminded me that a move in and of itself is drastic.  It's an upheaval in every way.  But me, myself and I...am the same woman who locked the door behind me at our former home and the same one who unlocked the door of this new home.  I knew that, but I secretly longed to experience my own metamorphosis.  I wanted to shed some of the clutter from within, just as I had decluttered our house.  I had been living with an ongoing sense of feeling "trapped" by perceived or known expectations by people/life/circumstances.  It is much easier to physically remove the unneeded furniture and pack up the decor which takes up too much space in an effort to create a more peaceful setting in a home, than it is to let go of some of the chaos within which threatens to take over me.

My Spiritual Director encouraged me to continue to sequester myself and perhaps set a time of 40 days.  Forty days is often a significant period of time in the Bible.  I have just finished 40 days of Lent which I expressed in a previous post, was a strange and awkward season this year.  Now it seems necessary to set aside forty days to settle, to reflect, to enjoy the  incredible gift of this new home, to actually create a type of neutral zone whereby I have time to grow into some of the stronger, more wholesome patterns of living I desire to have.  She suggested my "40" days may end up being less or they may require more, but that this would be made clear to me as I go. 

I have found the last several days quite difficult.  Perhaps I will be misunderstood when I express this, but  I have very much craved aloneness.   Three Easter Celebrations with family and church family were rich and meaningful but I have missed this much needed sequestered time.  My spirit requires this stretch of days. I am convinced of this.  Sue Monk Kidd writes a great deal about waiting in her book, "When the Heart Waits--Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions".  Early in the pages of her book she pens,

"When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing.  You're doing the most important something there is.  You're allowing your soul to grow up.  If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be."  

 Later she goes on to reveal, 

"The spiritual journey is one of becoming real.  Waiting can offer us the gift of authenticity.  It can help us give birth to a new way of being true to ourselves.  As we wait, we discover that it's okay--really okay--not only to imagine who we truly are inside but to say who we are, welcome who we are, and even be who we are."

These will not be easy days for me despite the knowing of how much my spirit needs them.  It is always stretching for me to take time for myself, to go against the norm, to risk disappointing or being misunderstood by people.  It will require a mind and soul focused on the One who seems to have led me here.  It will demand courage to respond to any questions from those looking in as well as responding to the voices in my head which tell me I am lazy and selfish.  It will require patience and perseverance in the waiting and discernment to know when the days are completed whether they be an actual 40 days or not.  At times it will require flexibility when life asks of me that which holds a value that cannot be dismissed.  And it will require an open and waiting heart to receive all that God desires to remove and His plans to create something new.

And so for a season I will continue to quiet my days and stay with God in this time of simplicity and beauty and settling and the creating of the new.

Christ The Lord is Risen Today!

Christ the Lord, is risen today, Alleluia!!

Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!

Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!

Sing, ye heav'ns, and earth, reply, Alleluia!

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!

Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!

Death in vain forbids him rise, Alleluia!

Christ has opened paradise, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!

Where, O death, is now thy sting, Alleluia!

Once He died, our souls to save, Alleluia!

Where thy victory, O grave?  Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!

Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!

Made like Him, like Him we rise.  Alleluia!

Ours the cross the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Hail, the Lord of earth and heav'n, Alleluia!

Praise to Thee by both be giv'n.  Alleluia!

Thee we greet triumphant now, Alleluia!

Hail, the Resurrection Thou, Alleluia!

--Charles Wesley

The beloved words to this hymn greeted me this Easter Sunday morning as I sat down at breakfast

to read the closing words of my Lenten Devotional.  Each line in this hymn is overflowing with the richness that is mine as a follower of my risen Lord!  Oh the far reaching magnitude of the life-giving power of my risen Christ!  A power available to every solitary human being on the face of this earth.  If we ever needed a risen and living LORD, it is now.  The small corner of the world in which I live needs Christ. And the world spanning the globe is in need of this living Savior.

In Henri J. M. Nouwen's book , "The Road to Daybreak:  A Spiritual Journey", he shares of an Easter Sunday morning at L'Arche Daybreak and reiterates the words expressed around the table that particular day, "We spoke together about the resurrection.  Liz, who works with many anguished people, said, 'We have to keep rolling away the large stones that prevent people from coming out of their graves.'

This is the calling of Jesus into the lives of all of His who claim His Lordship.  We are called to keep rolling away the large stones blocking the openings of the "graves"of the people around us.  

"Oh grant me courage and wisdom to live out Your mission!" 

 

Extravagant Lent

My thoughts continue to remain on the edge of this awkward Lenten season.  I recognize that I have been avoiding entering into the fullness of what this all means for me.  As though avoidance can somehow make it less real.  This morning I penned some of what I am sharing here in an effort to embrace what for me has become "Extravagant" Lent. 

I admit to a level of disappointment in the space I have given to reflection this season and what feels like inconsistent observance of the fast God called me to a little less than 40 days ago.  The move from our house to a condo has been a disruption of grandiose proportions for sure but perhaps has also been my excuse for my lack of full participation in Lent.  Add to this a strange, awkward and very powerful gift of extravagance which I find in our new home.  Lent began with me dismantling and packing up our home of 23 1/2 years but then smack dab in the middle of what is supposed to be a season of self denial and sacrifice, I found myself plucked from living our of boxes to settling into extravagance.  My mantra has become, "I can't believe we get to live here!!"

I am at a loss as to know what do with Lent and extravagance.  These two words seem polar opposite to one another. I flit from humbly basking in this gift beyond belief, to harboring guilt at having been given this incredible privilege. The nagging question, "Why do I get to enjoy this new gift of a home when so many have so much less?" pervades. 

But why can't I allow such extravagance to point me to Him and move me to worship the One who gave such extravagant love??!!  He gave freely, abundantly...literally He gave Himself.  Without strings attached.  It wasn't about me or anyone of us deserving or measuring up or achieving a standard--which leaves me empty in my receiving. An emptiness I am always trying to fill.  I have great difficulty receiving pure gift.  Everything in me wants to compensate in some way.  Yet I'm unable to earn or be worthy of His sacrifice for me. This only adds to the extravagance of the gift of His life that I may have life.

These past 12 days of Extravagant Lent have been, ultimately, moving me towards the Extravagance of Good Friday and Celebration of Easter Sunday.  How am I to respond to this awkward Lenten season? 

Embrace fully.
Give thanks freely.
Receive in humility.
Be wholly still in the mystery of it all.

The Last Goodbye

 

 When it became apparent that celebrating Sonya's birthday was going to fall towards the end of March, and thus several weeks past the actual date, I wondered if it might be overwhelming to have this so close to our moving weekend.  As last week began to unfold I was welcoming the gift this was going to be--for all of us.  Not only were we going to celebrate her life, but we would also have the joy of being together in our home one final time.  This felt momentous to me--and it was!

Such a beautiful gift to our family!

 

 

 

 

The 25 year old birthday girl:)

We spent a good chunk of our dinner conversation in the realm of nostalgia remembering moments in time or realizing we had no recollection of someone else vivid memory.  Sonya was our patient listener as we reminisced the events and times of life which were a part of this home.  The Burly boys received "honorable" mention a few times throughout the evening(haha).  We left the dishes on the counter to take a literal walk down memory lane through the schoolyard behind our property.  Cam and Ashley spent Kindergarten to Grade 6 in the classrooms just down the street and Cam had held on to some of those days.  Brian reiterated his painful memory of going down the school hill on a crazy carpet and bruising his tailbone.  I still remember him staggering in the door and practically collapsing on the floor as white as a sheet!! 

I had managed to make dinner with a minimal amount of dishware/cookware, given the fact that so much is packed away in boxes.  I had debated not packing the popcorn maker knowing that Cam would be here but still did.  Wrong decision.  Sure enough, within a few hours of dinner he felt it was time for popcorn.  He first tried a pot on the stove with oil, but could see it was scratching the surface and so the search for the popper began.  Which brings me to highlight the incredibly helpful tool of packing/and/or unpacking--label, label, label.  We may not have found it until the last of the kitchen boxes, but it was the only box we had to open!!! 

There are actually 4 in this picture--Ashley's on the phone Sonya is holding!

Some of us may or may not look a little tired in this picture!! haha  And though I'm not terribly fond of my "look", this time on the couch was priceless.  Ashley called from BC and we talked for well over an hour.  I don't care what form it takes, but truly the joy of my mother's heart is when her whole family is together.  And for us, "togetherness" looks differently than I had envisioned when my children were young, but it is still rich and filling for my soul.  I relish the adult conversation banter among the three of them.  Mmmmm.

Saturday Brunch--Homemade waffles, bacon, fruit, cheese and a few additional" necessities"

There's something very poignant about the last meal together in this house.  And yet it was natural, restful and delightful as many other feasts have been.  We always eat too much and never lack for soul food either.  We will take this well loved table with us and enjoy more of God's bounty of food and blessing surrounded by four new walls, but the same beautiful people.

BC girl:)

Miles cannot distance my heart from Ashley.  She called twice while Cam and Sonya were here and was on my mind and in my heart at others times as well.  It's a unique experience for her to have her family home being packed up while she lives on the other side of the country.  But I send her pictures and relay the unfolding of this major life event, to keep her in the loop as much as possible.

The last goodbye

 And so here we are--at "the last goodbye".  Today as I write this, it is 5 sleeps (yes I am counting)
until we take possession of our condo.  Eight sleeps til we move.  It still feels surreal and perhaps it will for a time until we are settled in a place that becomes home.  I'm deeply thankful for the precious hours of sharing these four walls with Cam and Sonya and to have them be a part of the farewell to our family nesting place.
So grateful for a memorable few day and a half.

Time to return to packing:)

Capacity and Dancing with God

You wouldn`t have to scroll through too many posts on my blog to know that I often find life a struggle.  Some of this is simply because life has its share of challenges and heart ache which we are forced to travel through.  But more recently I`m thinking that life is a struggle because I make it this way.  Not one of my most shining admissions but it is the truth.  Allow me to explain.

A significant portion of who I am poses great angst in me.  My capacity to handle life has, for years now, felt so limited.  Not only do I wish that I could do more and be more; I feel so much less than those around me.  I have long since carried a belief that my emotional make-up is defective and my capacity for busyness/productivity borders on laziness.  Or at least I am convinced that those looking in on my life wonder why I don`t give more of myself to worthy causes, ministry needs and people.  After all, I don`t even work outside the home!!!  The tangled web woven through much of this is shame.  I so yearn to be and do so much more than what I am capable of.

The other day, as I was unloading this birage into the listening ears of my Spiritual Director, she made a statement which ha my spirit doing a double take.

``It sounds like you`re dancing with God

while you have your eyes on another man.``

Silence.  I had never thought of it in this way before.

She wondered aloud who the other man was.  

Silence again.  Slowly I began to list specific people, society, etc.  As I have continued to reflect I can pinpoint past and recent situations which pushed the more button in me.  I can  picture individuals who I look up to but who can run circles around what I am able to be and do.  And here`s the thing--that other man...he`s primarily made up of  the dangerous game of comparison and my misplaced desire for affirmation.  They are both a no-win.  Because I can always find someone who is more than who I am and who does more than I am capable of. And I will always be in want of affirmation from people if this is where I receive my worth. 

Ingrid reminded me (again) that we all have our own capacity.  We are all wired differently and although we have the same 24 hours, there can be no comparison.  She continued,

This is part of self acceptance--

God wants you here.

Surrender to this.

Don`t feel shame or long for more.  

You have within an ebb and flow

in capacity and emotional health--

Accept this.

It`s true.  I do have this ebb and flow.  I have times where I feel healthy emotionally and when I am able to accomplish a great deal.  I relish these times.  But then the tide goes out and I am left standing there wondering what happened or what I did wrong to undo me.

I took in her analogy even more as she expressed,

God is not judging your steps...how well you are dancing.

What does it matter what you look like!!

Your confidence has to be in God and 

NOT what other people think or say.

Keep your eyes on your dancing partner.

What does it look like to gaze at God...

This image has been powerful for me.  Dancing with God and looking at another man speaks of unfaithfulness,straying eyes, lust...it borders on betrayal, an affair... ALL of which churns my heart.  I don`t want to be this for my Lord!!  And so I am slowly learning what it means to gaze at my dancing partner.  I`m going into scripture to hear the words He speaks over me.  I  imagine myself dressed to the nines and dancing with God because, after all Isaiah 61:10 says that He has,

``clothed me with garments of salvation..

wrapped me in a robe of righteousness...

I am as a bride adorned with her jewels.``

In another part of Isaiah he says--

``I will not forget you...

I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.``

(49:15b,16a) 

In Song of Solomon I read that He has brought me to His banquet hall, And

``His banner over me is love.``

How wild is that!!  God literally covers me with love!!

These are just three of a book full of love and affirmations for me!  His words come to me in a new way when I think of He and I dancing together.

Countless times I have read the words--

Dance like no one`s watching

How I have longed to live life like this, let alone dance with such abandon!!!! So why not start!!!  Why not begin to dance as though no one is watching, except Him!!!

The only way I can truly and fully do this is if I keep my eyes on my dancing partner. 

Lent--When the Lines Blur

Always I arrive at Lent eager to give myself to all that God would desire to awaken within me.  Invariably I find myself wrestling with desire and wanting, pushed up against sacrifice and devotion for my Lord. I purpose to not have these precious days be about keeping a list or regimen that I must hold to but to freely surrender the "things" which have entangled me and live out of the freedom of simply

"being"

in

Christ

Perhaps my perfectionist, legalistic shadow side sets me up for grandiose expectations.  Or maybe it's my naivety which somehow expects that self denial and surrender will unfold without a tug of war.  Giving up that which soothes and distracts me has been difficult.  More than once I have found myself bargaining with my spirit in the hopes of being released from what I believe God has asked of me. Day 5 of Lent and it feels too much, but then all of life feels like too much these past few weeks.  Lent has become another portion on an already full plate filled with moving from our home and the realities of everyday life. It's another thing "to do".  I suspect this is not what it is supposed to be.  Lent should be an emptying of self to be filled with the abundance of Jesus and this should be freeing.  In Journey to the Cross by Kendal Haug and Will Walker I read, 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

which means you have been set free from

'performing Lent.'

Indeed, the very thing that Lent beckons us to consider

is the death of Jesus,

in whom 

all of our unfaithfulness and shame

was condemned once for all,

so that we may breathe easy in the company of God's family."

(italics mine)

"All of our unfaithfulness and shame"--sigh.  Such beautiful, freeing words meant to liberate me from

the tyranny of "more" and "doing".  I long to embrace them, turn them over in my hands and heart and have them encompass my being.  

Several weeks ago my Spiritual Director challenged me to write an Identity Statement.  An encapsulated group of words devoid of ANY action that would constitute "doing".  

"I am

loved

chosen

and complete

by

in

and through

the Triune God"

There have been countless times the past weeks that I have ruminated over these words seeking the pure, unadulterated embrace of God.

Lent is a journey designed to offer me the same.  Regardless of how well I "do" as these 40 days unfold, I am loved, chosen and complete--by, in and through the Triune God.  In fact, the ultimate in sacrifice was in Christ's "doing" for me.  It cannot be replicated.  And my meager offering of self denial is meant to remind me of His full out gift.  If I live these days perfectly or poorly, His sacrifice remains the same.  

The question is--"Do I believe this?"

Tonight I invite Jesus into the endless striving and choose to live undone in His love.

Milestones

 

 By now it seems like I should not be surprised at the passing of time and the unfolding of milestones in the lives of my children.  After all, they have not truly "just happened" overnight.  My son was birthed into this world and went through all of the passing stages of childhood.  Preschool, Public school, followed by Junior High, High school, a semester of Bible College and then University and Marriage.  Last week he graduated with a Bachelor in Agricultural Science with distinction. Perhaps it's not so much that it feels like just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital, but rather, that I was privy to all the years leading up to this day.  I have watched a babe in arms become a man through the inevitable passage of time that makes up our lives.  I know this man.  

I know who he was, 

the challenges he faced, 

the uphill roads he's had to climb, 

the beat of the drum he lived by, 

the mystery that encompassed this created being, 

the ways in which he plowed through life making mistakes and 

searching out the way meant for him.  

I know because I cried and prayed and begged for understanding SO THAT I WOULD NOT FAIL THIS INCREDIBLE HUMAN BEING! 

 

 Last week I stood beside not just a graduate with a degree, but a man of God who found his way by the grace of God.  I take no credit for who he has become.   I only know that I loved him unconditionally through the years.

He graduated with distinction and yet marks were never my focus.  My heart only desired a man marked by his character; a man willing to set himself apart and be marked by God.  This is what truly makes my spirit sing and dance and celebrate.

"There are very few men who realize what God would make of them 

if they abandoned themselves into His hands 

and let themselves be formed by His grace."  

--Ignatius

Sooooo grateful to have you as my son

Lovingly, Mom

A Chapter Ending

How does one begin to put into words 23 and a half years of living at one address?  So much life has been lived in this home.  Brian and I have shared the majority of our married life here, Cam, all but a year and a half and Ashley having been brought home from the hospital to this, her first home.

I've been mentally preparing for this transition for several years now.  The past year has been a full out tangible preparation of purging crawl spaces and closets and downsizing wherever I possibly can.  Sonya's father has performed a makeover aesthetically speaking, with paint cans, rollers and brushes, along with 101 other odd jobs in order to prepare our home for selling.

But when we bought a condo the week before Christmas this all started to become very real.   Listing our home the week after Christmas(ok so who does this during the busiest time of the year???!!!!) held this element of crazy unbelief.  I would look out my livingroom window and see the "For Sale" sign and think, "Wow...this is really happening!"  Less than two weeks later a big bold SOLD sign was added and I felt that...I still feel this, "Pinch me if this is real!!"  But it is!!!  It's real, and wildly exciting!!

Many are wondering how I'm doing leaving a home whose walls hold more than two decades of memories.  My response goes something like this, "I'm obviously ready because the anticipation of moving is crazy high! Every now and then there's this twinge of nostalgia and then it's gone."

Packed in boxes for the moving truck are countless years of journals which hold the secret and not so secret life of this home.  (And the reason I'm holding on to those is because Ashley wants to read them when I die.  It's true!)  Filling in the lines and spaces is the sacredness of living.

This  home is heaped with the vastness of moments that make up life.  Split your sides laughter has resounded off the walls.  Agony laden tears have left their invisible pools on the carpets. My humble kitchen has been one of the most satisfying sanctuaries in my home where I chop and shred and peel and bake and cook the bounteous food which has nourished this family in the dailyness of life.  The feasting celebrations of birthdays and holidays and graduations and milestones are etched in the walls of the dining room. Our living room has hosted an exotic world of family and friends and we are richer for it. Movie nights and the raucous cheering through TV sporting events are now laid to rest above the ceiling tiles of our basement family room.  Bedrooms have taken their turns nesting one child and then another and now the parents.  Everyone has enjoyed opportunity over the years to move to a newly decorated nest within their own home.  Hallways and stair cases have been shelters for mid day, late day, any-time-of-day  beautiful, open, hard...conversations. The bathrooms (don't worry I won't tell all!!) have long left behind the steam from marathon teenage showers. (I finally learned where the water water shut-off valve was:)   Our beautiful Norway Maple has canopied our back yard and deck for a smorgasboard of summer bbq's and laughter- filled parties.  The carport, although primarily the home of our modes of transportation has been privy to many slapshots and creative projects.   Our summer room (aka front porch) has been a place of quiet and rest and the home of many  conversations, neighborhood and otherwise.  Will I miss any of these holy places in our lives??  Without a doubt!!  But though the memories were lived out here, they continue to be an intimate part of who each of us has become.  For better and perhaps at times, for worse, our lives were shaped by all that has unfolded inside the brick and mortar of this home.

"Great is the force of memory,

enormously great,

my God,

a chamber vast and infinite."

--Augustine

A chapter is ending, but the book has already been published.  It's inscribed on the pages of our lives.