A significant portion of who I am poses great angst in me. My capacity to handle life has, for years now, felt so limited. Not only do I wish that I could do more and be more; I feel so much less than those around me. I have long since carried a belief that my emotional make-up is defective and my capacity for busyness/productivity borders on laziness. Or at least I am convinced that those looking in on my life wonder why I don`t give more of myself to worthy causes, ministry needs and people. After all, I don`t even work outside the home!!! The tangled web woven through much of this is shame. I so yearn to be and do so much more than what I am capable of.
The other day, as I was unloading this birage into the listening ears of my Spiritual Director, she made a statement which ha my spirit doing a double take.
``It sounds like you`re dancing with God
while you have your eyes on another man.``
Silence. I had never thought of it in this way before.
She wondered aloud who the other man was.
Silence again. Slowly I began to list specific people, society, etc. As I have continued to reflect I can pinpoint past and recent situations which pushed the more button in me. I can picture individuals who I look up to but who can run circles around what I am able to be and do. And here`s the thing--that other man...he`s primarily made up of the dangerous game of comparison and my misplaced desire for affirmation. They are both a no-win. Because I can always find someone who is more than who I am and who does more than I am capable of. And I will always be in want of affirmation from people if this is where I receive my worth.
Ingrid reminded me (again) that we all have our own capacity. We are all wired differently and although we have the same 24 hours, there can be no comparison. She continued,
This is part of self acceptance--
God wants you here.
Surrender to this.
Don`t feel shame or long for more.
You have within an ebb and flow
in capacity and emotional health--
Accept this.
It`s true. I do have this ebb and flow. I have times where I feel healthy emotionally and when I am able to accomplish a great deal. I relish these times. But then the tide goes out and I am left standing there wondering what happened or what I did wrong to undo me.
I took in her analogy even more as she expressed,
God is not judging your steps...how well you are dancing.
What does it matter what you look like!!
Your confidence has to be in God and
NOT what other people think or say.
Keep your eyes on your dancing partner.
What does it look like to gaze at God...
This image has been powerful for me. Dancing with God and looking at another man speaks of unfaithfulness,straying eyes, lust...it borders on betrayal, an affair... ALL of which churns my heart. I don`t want to be this for my Lord!! And so I am slowly learning what it means to gaze at my dancing partner. I`m going into scripture to hear the words He speaks over me. I imagine myself dressed to the nines and dancing with God because, after all Isaiah 61:10 says that He has,
``clothed me with garments of salvation..
wrapped me in a robe of righteousness...
I am as a bride adorned with her jewels.``
In another part of Isaiah he says--
``I will not forget you...
I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.``
(49:15b,16a)
In Song of Solomon I read that He has brought me to His banquet hall, And
``His banner over me is love.``
How wild is that!! God literally covers me with love!!
These are just three of a book full of love and affirmations for me! His words come to me in a new way when I think of He and I dancing together.
Countless times I have read the words--
Dance like no one`s watching
How I have longed to live life like this, let alone dance with such abandon!!!! So why not start!!! Why not begin to dance as though no one is watching, except Him!!!
The only way I can truly and fully do this is if I keep my eyes on my dancing partner.
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