Lent--When the Lines Blur

Always I arrive at Lent eager to give myself to all that God would desire to awaken within me.  Invariably I find myself wrestling with desire and wanting, pushed up against sacrifice and devotion for my Lord. I purpose to not have these precious days be about keeping a list or regimen that I must hold to but to freely surrender the "things" which have entangled me and live out of the freedom of simply

"being"

in

Christ

Perhaps my perfectionist, legalistic shadow side sets me up for grandiose expectations.  Or maybe it's my naivety which somehow expects that self denial and surrender will unfold without a tug of war.  Giving up that which soothes and distracts me has been difficult.  More than once I have found myself bargaining with my spirit in the hopes of being released from what I believe God has asked of me. Day 5 of Lent and it feels too much, but then all of life feels like too much these past few weeks.  Lent has become another portion on an already full plate filled with moving from our home and the realities of everyday life. It's another thing "to do".  I suspect this is not what it is supposed to be.  Lent should be an emptying of self to be filled with the abundance of Jesus and this should be freeing.  In Journey to the Cross by Kendal Haug and Will Walker I read, 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

which means you have been set free from

'performing Lent.'

Indeed, the very thing that Lent beckons us to consider

is the death of Jesus,

in whom 

all of our unfaithfulness and shame

was condemned once for all,

so that we may breathe easy in the company of God's family."

(italics mine)

"All of our unfaithfulness and shame"--sigh.  Such beautiful, freeing words meant to liberate me from

the tyranny of "more" and "doing".  I long to embrace them, turn them over in my hands and heart and have them encompass my being.  

Several weeks ago my Spiritual Director challenged me to write an Identity Statement.  An encapsulated group of words devoid of ANY action that would constitute "doing".  

"I am

loved

chosen

and complete

by

in

and through

the Triune God"

There have been countless times the past weeks that I have ruminated over these words seeking the pure, unadulterated embrace of God.

Lent is a journey designed to offer me the same.  Regardless of how well I "do" as these 40 days unfold, I am loved, chosen and complete--by, in and through the Triune God.  In fact, the ultimate in sacrifice was in Christ's "doing" for me.  It cannot be replicated.  And my meager offering of self denial is meant to remind me of His full out gift.  If I live these days perfectly or poorly, His sacrifice remains the same.  

The question is--"Do I believe this?"

Tonight I invite Jesus into the endless striving and choose to live undone in His love.