The Last Goodbye

 

 When it became apparent that celebrating Sonya's birthday was going to fall towards the end of March, and thus several weeks past the actual date, I wondered if it might be overwhelming to have this so close to our moving weekend.  As last week began to unfold I was welcoming the gift this was going to be--for all of us.  Not only were we going to celebrate her life, but we would also have the joy of being together in our home one final time.  This felt momentous to me--and it was!

Such a beautiful gift to our family!

 

 

 

 

The 25 year old birthday girl:)

We spent a good chunk of our dinner conversation in the realm of nostalgia remembering moments in time or realizing we had no recollection of someone else vivid memory.  Sonya was our patient listener as we reminisced the events and times of life which were a part of this home.  The Burly boys received "honorable" mention a few times throughout the evening(haha).  We left the dishes on the counter to take a literal walk down memory lane through the schoolyard behind our property.  Cam and Ashley spent Kindergarten to Grade 6 in the classrooms just down the street and Cam had held on to some of those days.  Brian reiterated his painful memory of going down the school hill on a crazy carpet and bruising his tailbone.  I still remember him staggering in the door and practically collapsing on the floor as white as a sheet!! 

I had managed to make dinner with a minimal amount of dishware/cookware, given the fact that so much is packed away in boxes.  I had debated not packing the popcorn maker knowing that Cam would be here but still did.  Wrong decision.  Sure enough, within a few hours of dinner he felt it was time for popcorn.  He first tried a pot on the stove with oil, but could see it was scratching the surface and so the search for the popper began.  Which brings me to highlight the incredibly helpful tool of packing/and/or unpacking--label, label, label.  We may not have found it until the last of the kitchen boxes, but it was the only box we had to open!!! 

There are actually 4 in this picture--Ashley's on the phone Sonya is holding!

Some of us may or may not look a little tired in this picture!! haha  And though I'm not terribly fond of my "look", this time on the couch was priceless.  Ashley called from BC and we talked for well over an hour.  I don't care what form it takes, but truly the joy of my mother's heart is when her whole family is together.  And for us, "togetherness" looks differently than I had envisioned when my children were young, but it is still rich and filling for my soul.  I relish the adult conversation banter among the three of them.  Mmmmm.

Saturday Brunch--Homemade waffles, bacon, fruit, cheese and a few additional" necessities"

There's something very poignant about the last meal together in this house.  And yet it was natural, restful and delightful as many other feasts have been.  We always eat too much and never lack for soul food either.  We will take this well loved table with us and enjoy more of God's bounty of food and blessing surrounded by four new walls, but the same beautiful people.

BC girl:)

Miles cannot distance my heart from Ashley.  She called twice while Cam and Sonya were here and was on my mind and in my heart at others times as well.  It's a unique experience for her to have her family home being packed up while she lives on the other side of the country.  But I send her pictures and relay the unfolding of this major life event, to keep her in the loop as much as possible.

The last goodbye

 And so here we are--at "the last goodbye".  Today as I write this, it is 5 sleeps (yes I am counting)
until we take possession of our condo.  Eight sleeps til we move.  It still feels surreal and perhaps it will for a time until we are settled in a place that becomes home.  I'm deeply thankful for the precious hours of sharing these four walls with Cam and Sonya and to have them be a part of the farewell to our family nesting place.
So grateful for a memorable few day and a half.

Time to return to packing:)

Capacity and Dancing with God

You wouldn`t have to scroll through too many posts on my blog to know that I often find life a struggle.  Some of this is simply because life has its share of challenges and heart ache which we are forced to travel through.  But more recently I`m thinking that life is a struggle because I make it this way.  Not one of my most shining admissions but it is the truth.  Allow me to explain.

A significant portion of who I am poses great angst in me.  My capacity to handle life has, for years now, felt so limited.  Not only do I wish that I could do more and be more; I feel so much less than those around me.  I have long since carried a belief that my emotional make-up is defective and my capacity for busyness/productivity borders on laziness.  Or at least I am convinced that those looking in on my life wonder why I don`t give more of myself to worthy causes, ministry needs and people.  After all, I don`t even work outside the home!!!  The tangled web woven through much of this is shame.  I so yearn to be and do so much more than what I am capable of.

The other day, as I was unloading this birage into the listening ears of my Spiritual Director, she made a statement which ha my spirit doing a double take.

``It sounds like you`re dancing with God

while you have your eyes on another man.``

Silence.  I had never thought of it in this way before.

She wondered aloud who the other man was.  

Silence again.  Slowly I began to list specific people, society, etc.  As I have continued to reflect I can pinpoint past and recent situations which pushed the more button in me.  I can  picture individuals who I look up to but who can run circles around what I am able to be and do.  And here`s the thing--that other man...he`s primarily made up of  the dangerous game of comparison and my misplaced desire for affirmation.  They are both a no-win.  Because I can always find someone who is more than who I am and who does more than I am capable of. And I will always be in want of affirmation from people if this is where I receive my worth. 

Ingrid reminded me (again) that we all have our own capacity.  We are all wired differently and although we have the same 24 hours, there can be no comparison.  She continued,

This is part of self acceptance--

God wants you here.

Surrender to this.

Don`t feel shame or long for more.  

You have within an ebb and flow

in capacity and emotional health--

Accept this.

It`s true.  I do have this ebb and flow.  I have times where I feel healthy emotionally and when I am able to accomplish a great deal.  I relish these times.  But then the tide goes out and I am left standing there wondering what happened or what I did wrong to undo me.

I took in her analogy even more as she expressed,

God is not judging your steps...how well you are dancing.

What does it matter what you look like!!

Your confidence has to be in God and 

NOT what other people think or say.

Keep your eyes on your dancing partner.

What does it look like to gaze at God...

This image has been powerful for me.  Dancing with God and looking at another man speaks of unfaithfulness,straying eyes, lust...it borders on betrayal, an affair... ALL of which churns my heart.  I don`t want to be this for my Lord!!  And so I am slowly learning what it means to gaze at my dancing partner.  I`m going into scripture to hear the words He speaks over me.  I  imagine myself dressed to the nines and dancing with God because, after all Isaiah 61:10 says that He has,

``clothed me with garments of salvation..

wrapped me in a robe of righteousness...

I am as a bride adorned with her jewels.``

In another part of Isaiah he says--

``I will not forget you...

I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.``

(49:15b,16a) 

In Song of Solomon I read that He has brought me to His banquet hall, And

``His banner over me is love.``

How wild is that!!  God literally covers me with love!!

These are just three of a book full of love and affirmations for me!  His words come to me in a new way when I think of He and I dancing together.

Countless times I have read the words--

Dance like no one`s watching

How I have longed to live life like this, let alone dance with such abandon!!!! So why not start!!!  Why not begin to dance as though no one is watching, except Him!!!

The only way I can truly and fully do this is if I keep my eyes on my dancing partner. 

Lent--When the Lines Blur

Always I arrive at Lent eager to give myself to all that God would desire to awaken within me.  Invariably I find myself wrestling with desire and wanting, pushed up against sacrifice and devotion for my Lord. I purpose to not have these precious days be about keeping a list or regimen that I must hold to but to freely surrender the "things" which have entangled me and live out of the freedom of simply

"being"

in

Christ

Perhaps my perfectionist, legalistic shadow side sets me up for grandiose expectations.  Or maybe it's my naivety which somehow expects that self denial and surrender will unfold without a tug of war.  Giving up that which soothes and distracts me has been difficult.  More than once I have found myself bargaining with my spirit in the hopes of being released from what I believe God has asked of me. Day 5 of Lent and it feels too much, but then all of life feels like too much these past few weeks.  Lent has become another portion on an already full plate filled with moving from our home and the realities of everyday life. It's another thing "to do".  I suspect this is not what it is supposed to be.  Lent should be an emptying of self to be filled with the abundance of Jesus and this should be freeing.  In Journey to the Cross by Kendal Haug and Will Walker I read, 

"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

which means you have been set free from

'performing Lent.'

Indeed, the very thing that Lent beckons us to consider

is the death of Jesus,

in whom 

all of our unfaithfulness and shame

was condemned once for all,

so that we may breathe easy in the company of God's family."

(italics mine)

"All of our unfaithfulness and shame"--sigh.  Such beautiful, freeing words meant to liberate me from

the tyranny of "more" and "doing".  I long to embrace them, turn them over in my hands and heart and have them encompass my being.  

Several weeks ago my Spiritual Director challenged me to write an Identity Statement.  An encapsulated group of words devoid of ANY action that would constitute "doing".  

"I am

loved

chosen

and complete

by

in

and through

the Triune God"

There have been countless times the past weeks that I have ruminated over these words seeking the pure, unadulterated embrace of God.

Lent is a journey designed to offer me the same.  Regardless of how well I "do" as these 40 days unfold, I am loved, chosen and complete--by, in and through the Triune God.  In fact, the ultimate in sacrifice was in Christ's "doing" for me.  It cannot be replicated.  And my meager offering of self denial is meant to remind me of His full out gift.  If I live these days perfectly or poorly, His sacrifice remains the same.  

The question is--"Do I believe this?"

Tonight I invite Jesus into the endless striving and choose to live undone in His love.

Milestones

 

 By now it seems like I should not be surprised at the passing of time and the unfolding of milestones in the lives of my children.  After all, they have not truly "just happened" overnight.  My son was birthed into this world and went through all of the passing stages of childhood.  Preschool, Public school, followed by Junior High, High school, a semester of Bible College and then University and Marriage.  Last week he graduated with a Bachelor in Agricultural Science with distinction. Perhaps it's not so much that it feels like just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital, but rather, that I was privy to all the years leading up to this day.  I have watched a babe in arms become a man through the inevitable passage of time that makes up our lives.  I know this man.  

I know who he was, 

the challenges he faced, 

the uphill roads he's had to climb, 

the beat of the drum he lived by, 

the mystery that encompassed this created being, 

the ways in which he plowed through life making mistakes and 

searching out the way meant for him.  

I know because I cried and prayed and begged for understanding SO THAT I WOULD NOT FAIL THIS INCREDIBLE HUMAN BEING! 

 

 Last week I stood beside not just a graduate with a degree, but a man of God who found his way by the grace of God.  I take no credit for who he has become.   I only know that I loved him unconditionally through the years.

He graduated with distinction and yet marks were never my focus.  My heart only desired a man marked by his character; a man willing to set himself apart and be marked by God.  This is what truly makes my spirit sing and dance and celebrate.

"There are very few men who realize what God would make of them 

if they abandoned themselves into His hands 

and let themselves be formed by His grace."  

--Ignatius

Sooooo grateful to have you as my son

Lovingly, Mom

A Chapter Ending

How does one begin to put into words 23 and a half years of living at one address?  So much life has been lived in this home.  Brian and I have shared the majority of our married life here, Cam, all but a year and a half and Ashley having been brought home from the hospital to this, her first home.

I've been mentally preparing for this transition for several years now.  The past year has been a full out tangible preparation of purging crawl spaces and closets and downsizing wherever I possibly can.  Sonya's father has performed a makeover aesthetically speaking, with paint cans, rollers and brushes, along with 101 other odd jobs in order to prepare our home for selling.

But when we bought a condo the week before Christmas this all started to become very real.   Listing our home the week after Christmas(ok so who does this during the busiest time of the year???!!!!) held this element of crazy unbelief.  I would look out my livingroom window and see the "For Sale" sign and think, "Wow...this is really happening!"  Less than two weeks later a big bold SOLD sign was added and I felt that...I still feel this, "Pinch me if this is real!!"  But it is!!!  It's real, and wildly exciting!!

Many are wondering how I'm doing leaving a home whose walls hold more than two decades of memories.  My response goes something like this, "I'm obviously ready because the anticipation of moving is crazy high! Every now and then there's this twinge of nostalgia and then it's gone."

Packed in boxes for the moving truck are countless years of journals which hold the secret and not so secret life of this home.  (And the reason I'm holding on to those is because Ashley wants to read them when I die.  It's true!)  Filling in the lines and spaces is the sacredness of living.

This  home is heaped with the vastness of moments that make up life.  Split your sides laughter has resounded off the walls.  Agony laden tears have left their invisible pools on the carpets. My humble kitchen has been one of the most satisfying sanctuaries in my home where I chop and shred and peel and bake and cook the bounteous food which has nourished this family in the dailyness of life.  The feasting celebrations of birthdays and holidays and graduations and milestones are etched in the walls of the dining room. Our living room has hosted an exotic world of family and friends and we are richer for it. Movie nights and the raucous cheering through TV sporting events are now laid to rest above the ceiling tiles of our basement family room.  Bedrooms have taken their turns nesting one child and then another and now the parents.  Everyone has enjoyed opportunity over the years to move to a newly decorated nest within their own home.  Hallways and stair cases have been shelters for mid day, late day, any-time-of-day  beautiful, open, hard...conversations. The bathrooms (don't worry I won't tell all!!) have long left behind the steam from marathon teenage showers. (I finally learned where the water water shut-off valve was:)   Our beautiful Norway Maple has canopied our back yard and deck for a smorgasboard of summer bbq's and laughter- filled parties.  The carport, although primarily the home of our modes of transportation has been privy to many slapshots and creative projects.   Our summer room (aka front porch) has been a place of quiet and rest and the home of many  conversations, neighborhood and otherwise.  Will I miss any of these holy places in our lives??  Without a doubt!!  But though the memories were lived out here, they continue to be an intimate part of who each of us has become.  For better and perhaps at times, for worse, our lives were shaped by all that has unfolded inside the brick and mortar of this home.

"Great is the force of memory,

enormously great,

my God,

a chamber vast and infinite."

--Augustine

A chapter is ending, but the book has already been published.  It's inscribed on the pages of our lives.

Embrace

Embrace.

This is my word for the coming year.  It encompasses two integral parts.

Embrace God and embrace all that He has for me in the next 365 days.

New Year's resolutions have their place and I'm sure some people give diligent thought to coming up with them as well as carrying them out.  The last number of years I have been drawn to just one word and one verse.  I had not spent any time pondering a word for 2017 but when the time came to choose, embrace came quickly and I know why.  Embracing God and life are immensely important to me and yet I find myself experiencing  varying degrees of struggle with both.

Embracing God is paramount to embracing life.   Much of life doesn't make sense and unless I am able to embrace the fullness of God, embracing life will always be a challenge. So...I desire to pull out the stops and wrap myself around my Father who is wise and good and sovereign and holy and generous and to trust and rest and believe and find comfort in the character of the triune God.  Further, I long to  move into the coming days in HIS embrace while I simultaneously embrace life....the joyous and heart wrenching, the confusion and peace, the way He gives and the way He takes away and the growing of my soul which is possible through it all.  My Spiritual Director has reminded and challenged me with these words--

"God is perfectly wise and is perfect love.  

The choices that He makes are best 

even if they don't feel like that to us in the moment.  

Can we truly and deeply trust that?"

--Ingrid Reichard

Hmmmm....I have far to travel to live with such faith.

My verse for the coming year came just as quickly as my word and in fact bears embrace within it.

"And he got up and came to his father.  

But while he was still a long way off, 

his father saw him, 

and felt compassion for him, 

and ran 

and embraced him, 

and kissed him."
(over and over again is the meaning here)

Luke 15:20

 For Christ followers these are well known words of a prodigal son who eventually comes to his senses and returns home only to find his beloved father waiting for him with open arms.  Every time I stray from my Father's best...every time I squander what He has given me....every time I abuse the inheritance He has afforded to me...every time I come to my senses and come home to Him, He is always there waiting and watching with a heart of compassion and arms ready to embrace and kiss me over and over again.  Oh such lavish, merciful love!  This is the love that surrounds me in the coming days.

I walk into this new year already in His embrace but with a heart which longs to fully embrace Him and the life He has custom designed for me.

Quiet Love

My mind has been disturbingly noisy of recent.  There are many and varied reasons why and I am doing my best to work on what is in my control.  Still, it is frustrating, disappointing, consuming and frightening at times.

And it's Christmas.  I especially dislike an unquiet mind when it's blazoned across the country that "it's the most wonderful time of the year."  I have spent far too many Christmas seasons in turmoil.

My girl is home for one glorious month.  Our family will be blessed to relax and enjoy each other throughout the holidays, and my Christmas preparations are slowing down...not speeding up. It's the perfect recipe for celebrating.  Yet my mind is racing.  That nebulous, empty, wild noise which comes far to close to the edge of mental and emotional torture.  I've been there before.  The welcome mat is packed away in some dark closet and there is no part of me that desires to ever see it again.

Last evening was dark.  Scary...opening up memories of days past.

And then God breaks through.  Often it is in the mundane that I hear His voice.  Last night it was with my hands in the dish water...."He will quiet you with His love..." were the words the Spirit whispered to the noise in my head. 

I've heard and read and recited Zephaniah 3:17 countless times over the years but this time it was those seven simple, but powerful words which touched me.  It's His love which hushes me, even if but for a moment."

Today is quieter and I'm filled with gratitude.

Prepare Him Room

Advent is upon us.  Oh how I love this season.  My library of Advent devotionals has grown over the years allowing me the opportunity to delve into pages past for comfort and hope and direction and challenge.  Beth A. Richardson wrote "The Uncluttered Heart--Making Room for God During Advent and Christmas".  Even in the title her words speak of an effort, a focus , an uncluttering of our hearts.  It's not something that will magically happen but instead requires something of me.   Invariably it requires that something in my heart be removed in order to "prepare Him room."

This Advent season is fresh and rich but it also holds an element of harshness that came completely unexpected.   I am surprised at some of the clutter in my heart.  Surprised because it's presence was somehow hidden from me.  Life has a way of "accumulating" over the years and is sometimes unknowingly shoved out of the way.  Seemingly out of nowhere I have begun to trip over these pieces of life.  It's not the path I had planned I would walk this Christmas.

The past couple of days I am being beckoned to--

"Prepare Him room
 Prepare Him room
 Let the King of glory enter in..."

It's a compelling call but one I can't ignore.  Whatever this undoing requires of me I am I am reminded that the very one I am preparing room for is Emmanuel-God-with-us.

Writing from the Heart

https://ashleyogilvie.com/about/

It's Saturday and I have a forever list that I am supposed to be working away at checking off, but I have done it again.  I made the "mistake" of going to my daughter's blog to see if she had posted anything recently.  I thought I would only be there 30 seconds because after all, she is neck deep in assignments and papers and presentation preparations so how could she possibly have a stitch of time to write???!!!!!!  But she thrives on writing.  She comes alive when she put words to her overactive mind and despite the writing she should be doing, she can't not write about her heart. 

And I can't not set aside my list and get lost in her words. 

I wish I could write as she does.  I'm in the midst of writing my Spiritual Autobiography.  I write in my journal 365 days a year, give or take a little.  I even have my own blog in which I bare my own soul now and then.  But my writing  does not hold a candle to my daughter's inscriptions.  She's a Romantic who feels everything twice over.  I expect she inherited some of this from my DNA, but the depth of her emotions are oceans; mine are lakes.  And when she writes the waters still or become tsunami's.  They capture brilliant sunrises and reveal dazzling sunsets.  Her words are a cascade of pictures and heartaches and longings and hopes and dreams and wondering and contentment and...

Which is why I wandered off the beaten track of laundry and dishes for a time.  Maybe every day should include a leisurely walk into another's landscape

Seasons of Life

We have often talked, Brian and I, about how or when this season may unfold.  It's not something which can be predicted and a good portion of it cannot be prepared for and yet it is inevitable in some form or another.  It's the season of aging parents requiring care beyond what is currently working.

Mum and Dad in "The Honeymoon Suite"

On September 13, life as we had known it seemed to fall apart.  Both of Brian's parents ended up in the same hospital on the SAME day, just at different times.  We affectionately named their room, "The Honeymoon Suite" which they occupied for two weeks.  Mum returned home to their assisted living apartment but with 24 hour care provided through CCAC.  Dad was transferred to a rehab hospital 30 minutes away and was a patient there for a month.  In the meantime, we, along with Brian's brother and sister-in-law toured Long Term Care Residences and were able to move Mum to a wonderful home almost 3 weeks ago.  Dad is scheduled to move into a retirement suite in the same village on November 16.

It takes only a handful of sentences to list in a simple fashion the events which have unfolded since that Tuesday in September.  But if you have ever entered into this life circumstance yourself, you will know that there is  an ocean of stress and heartache and challenges and concern and  important decisions which weigh on you day in and day out.  It was a whirlwind of activity which we were thrust into overnight.  It has changed everything.

Mum is 10 years with Alzheimer's now and went from her quiet "normal" with Dad as her sole caregiver to a world of confusion and depression and despondency.  It was so very painful to watch.  She could not grasp the revolving door of Personal Support Worker's  in her apartment when it had once been just her and Dad.  And each worker, whether they had been there the day prior or not, was always a stranger.  In fact, even if they only stepped out of the apartment for a brief moment, she would forget that they had just been with her.  I would try to imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning with a stranger in my home and my soul would ache.  Over and over and over again we would explain to her where Dad was and why she needed the additional care of the PSW's.  At times she hardly ate and was psychically sick from anxiety and persistently said through tears, "I just want to die."

I struggled greatly with my own questions and trying desperately to see God in her circumstances.  It had been so evident that He was a God of generous provision amidst all that had transpired at the hospital, the Intensive Program she qualified for through CCAC for 24 hour care at home, as well as a place for Dad to recover.  We had countless opportunities to give thanks to God for all that He was providing.  But Mum was tortured in her mind and it grieved my spirit greatly.  Her ministry life had been widespread and faithful  for so many years and now He was not giving her peace.  Why???

My Spiritual Director wisely guided my thoughts to another question, "What are your expectations of God, Juanita?"  She gently continued to remind me that God had not promised us an easy passageway through life, but rather a guarantee that we would have trouble in this life.  And although He encouraged us by telling us that He had overcome the world, we have not!!  We still live in a broken world.  Did I really want God to listen to my dictates in the elimination of suffering?  Where would this end?  If God relieves my mother-in-law what about the young child with cancer and what about the next and the next and the next?  If this was how God operated, eventually, it would mean that I would lose free will.  Is that what I want?

Hard questions...thought provoking...soul searching questions.

She continued to direct me to remember that we will all walk through death's valley and within that, we will each have our own particular journey.  For some, the path has intense suffering and for others it's a different path.  But we will each have our own steps to walk.  "This is your mother-in-law's path; Alzheimer's.  It's wrong for people to suffer and die but it is our reality.  He grieves and enters into the suffering.  God has an eternal perspective."

Gratefully Mum has adjusted to LTC in some delightful and comforting ways for us as family.  The staff share with us of  her participation in activities (even exercise classes and Halloween parties!!) and of her cheerful, teasing way about her.  At this point, they are the ones privy to most of the enjoyment she experiences. They love the fun-loving "Mrs. O." which we remember from years ago.  However, it's a different picture for us. We believe that our presence transports her mind back to "how it used to be" and she then struggles because she has some level of awareness of  how much she has lost.  We are a reminder of her "old life" and her new home is her "new life". Our times with her are often about trying to distract her from the very real pain of a lost memory and a new life which seems so confusing to her when we are present.  We hope that eventually her mind will be able to bridge the gap between the two but there are no guarantees. 

Dad is having his own life altering adjustment after experiencing a decline in his physical and emotional health. Although undiagnosed, I am convinced that Dad's hospitalization for physical pain was a result of emotional and physical exhaustion.  He was burnt out.  And though he is convinced Mum is in the best place for her AND for him, it's not easy after 63 years of marriage to now be living apart and adjusting to this next season of life. 

It's been hard to watch the path Dad has been walking also.  He suffered with intense pain in his first couple of weeks in hospital and lost a lot of weight.  He quickly moved from a very independent man with a measure of quiet stubbornness :) to one who is now asking for help and relying heavily on others in varying ways.  His life is vastly different today than 8 weeks ago.  Dad has always been more private about his emotions and it has been surprising and welcoming to hear him express some of the turmoil and pain of these past weeks.  We are then able to support and encourage him in all that he is experiencing.  But where Dad hasn't changed is in his unwavering trust in God.  Despite all that he and Mum have been through He has been swift to give thanks and praise to God for His provision and many blessings.  Dad's legacy of faith has remained strong and sure. 

 Dan Allender, in his book, "The Healing Path" speaks some powerful and challenging words to me--

"Suffering can move us toward God, 

or it can move us away from him

and consequently away from being human and alive.  

If we are closed to sorrow, 

we will also be closed to true joy.

If we see death...a physical illness 

as nothing more than an event 

to be resolved as quickly and painlessly as possible,

then we will miss the potential to grasp the true meaning of the event...

if we are to experience the good that God intends through our suffering,

at some point it is crucial to ask:

'What happens to me, 

deep down,

at the core of my heart,

when I face loss,

suffering,

and harm?'

...Suffering changes the human heart--

sometimes for good and often for ill.

We are faced with the challenge of learning how to wrestle with sorrow

so it can bring about the greatest good.

If we want to become more like God wants us to be,

we must consider what it means to live well in a fallen world

rather than scramble to escape the veil of sorrow."

It has been pure honor to walk with Mum and Dad on their particular paths of suffering.  Painful and overwhelming but yet a great privilege   To be invited in to journey with my in-laws in such intimate ways has and continues to be a gift.  As I spend time with my God and Mum and Dad I am being ushered into more of "what it  means to live well in a fallen world."  An  unlikely but beautiful path of healing in the midst of suffering.

Love you to the moon and back

Seems crazy that it has been almost 3 months since I wrote in here!!  That would be known as "life".

I did actually get to Vancouver to throw my arms around my girl and have the time of my life for 12 days.  I drank in the moments...the quiet, lazy hours on her bed watching episodes of "24"...the crazy, wild moments of getting matching "moon" tatoos( "i love you to the moon and back")...the miles and miles of walking to buses and sky train in an effort to get to our all of our venues...the joy of being a part of her world of favorite restaurants and shopping and breathtaking views...and the fullness of a Mama's heart when all her family is together at last .

And now I'm counting the sleeps (FIVE) until she flies home for 6 days to be a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding.  The anticipation of seeing her again occupies my mind often.  It will be short but sweet as she has a flurry of wedding fun to be a part of but regardless, I will still see her sleepy eyes every morning and be able to give wrap-around-hugs here an there. 

Oh how I love the "Arrivals" gate at the airport!!