"What shall I render to the Lord

for all of His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

Broken

Today

I am broken

I know...we are a broken people

and every day we touch the edges of our brokenness in some capacity

But today

I 

feel

broken

All of me

Body, soul, spirit

I got caught again

in the cycle 

I nursed  discontent with my limitations

and  overextended myself

I pressed in strong and "savior-like" to encourage and support

the hurting

but

didn't trust enough

in God...

the only Savior's 

all encompassing care

I failed to rest when I was tired--

there was always more to do

My ear was deaf to His invitation 

and instead listened to voices inside my head--

ones which shouted of the perceived expectations of others

But

It is a grace from God

that once again

I hear His voice of truth

and

partake of His forgiveness

and 

rest in His mercy

Kara Tippets 

a cancer fighter 

speaks these words--

"I see my biggest strength

as my weakness and my neediness

and I wake up everyday

and 

I 

need 

Jesus"

Her words grabbed my attention yesterday

for several reasons--

I don't like my weakness, my neediness!

I don't like this broken way of living that I continue to succumb to!

I long to live free!

But my weakness drives me to Jesus

and reminds me how small I am

and how desperately I need Him!

Just like Paul with his thorn in the flesh

I would rather my thorn be taken away--

yet this does not seem to be God's way

He would rather my thorn 

keep me on my knees

dependent

only on Him 

I am broken

every day

but today it seeps through all of the cracks of my being

I lift my neediness up to God

and invite Him to

quiet my soul

Adventure

Thoughts kept inside

lie quiet and safe

Speaking them aloud 

brings them

to life

Speaking them aloud

to Ingrid

my Spiritual Director

makes them 

"dangerous" 

I say this tongue in cheek

because Ingrid is 

so very gentle and gracious

but

there is something very powerful

about giving voice to things of my heart
of inviting someone into that place
to speak words of wisdom and direction

I shared with Ingrid yesterday of a realization

I came to last year

during my trip to New York City

In the midst of the richness of

our time in Winnipeg this summer

this realization became that much stronger

"I've been missing out on adventure"

This paralyzing fear of flying I have had for 20 plus years
has kept me grounded
and
"I've been missing out on adventure"

Last year that began to change
when God seemed to say--

"It's time" 

The stranglehold of fear
was gone
enough to at least step on a plane 
and so here I am
aware that I have missed out on so much adventure

Do I regret this?
Not in a crippling kind of way
I can't erase the past
That often used phrase--
"it is what it is"
resonates with me

Paul chose to forget what was in the past
and to reach for what lay ahead
to press on to the goal
for the prize
of the call of Jesus on his life
Philippians 3:13,14


That was essentially Ingrid's challenge for me--
to intentionally pray this prayer--

"What adventure would You have for me
that I would never consider?"

This is my "pressing on" prayer

This is my heartfelt invitation for Jesus
to lead me
into an adventure only He
would design


Driving away from Ingrid's home
this song began playing on the radio
It became my anthem of thanksgiving
for the beautiful ways in which
His love so purposefully comes to find me
It was my song of surrender--
the offering of my life
as praise to Him


"Multiplied"

"Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Hallelujahs be multiplied 
Need to Breathe

Welcome Fall

Welcome dear fall

you glow with the harvest of spring's planting

you let me linger a little longer

in summer's heat

yet link me to winter's edge

with a sweater on my shoulders

I feast on earth's bounty

experience the fresh breath of beginnings

indulge in the blazing colors of autumn's landscape

You are a cherished season

until I slip into the next

for all of you--

spring, summer, fall and winter

capture a beauty all your own

Today it's you

dear autumn

I welcome you

Saturate me with your goodness

as I dance with gratitude

in your splendor

Summer's Finale--Family

I cannot think of a more satisfying

last fling of summer 

than to be with my family

Restful,satisfying, rich, memorable

Side by side

with the one I love
this man I promised my love to
23 years ago
He still makes my heart beat faster:)

Looking on with love and gratitude

on this

purposeful and holy covenant of love

Enjoying our postlude farewell

to a summer of

jeweled relationship

amidst the rough stones of life

Ours is not a perfect family:)

We have made mistakes

hurt each other

stumbled through oh-so-hard-seasons

and still live with scars

But we love each other

and we are healing

Being away together was another 

open book opportunity

to write new pages

in the life of our family

Eucharisteo!

Gratitude's Melody

Four days

four days of the richest of music

each note full and joyous

an overflow of

intense 

beauty and depth 

a melody of gratitude

that I continue to sing 

over and over again

in my soul

It's been almost two weeks now

since Brian and I flew out of province

for a long overdue visit

with my dear sister and her partner

and 

a reunion of souls

with special friends

Twenty-five years have come and gone

since I had a glimpse of my sister's

day-to-day life

She's come "home" countless times

but I have not ventured her way

for many reasons

But time was erased 

as I drank in

each minute of sharing in the

music of life which

makes up her song

I cherish the memories

of our time together

************************************************************

The initial purpose of our trip

was an invitation from our long-time friends/

and former pastor and his wife

Alan and Cindy

Alan was an integral part of Brian's journey of faith

and invited him to share his story with the 

community he pastors

I never tire of hearing of my husband's

path to faith in Jesus Christ

How beautiful and fitting

that close to 10 individuals

gave their lives to Jesus

following his testimony

Brian and I thoroughly

relished our moments with our friends

There is something 

simple

and yet

deeply rich and satisfying

about our friendship

Simply...

we share a love of God

and the song that intertwines

our conversation

is a melody

which lingers long past our visit

The Spirit led me this week

to a time of reflection on gratitude

Our time away seemed a 

prelude to a focused time of thanksgiving.

Less than two weeks remain

of a summer that has once again

breezed past

In a myriad of ways 

it was not the summer I had envisioned

There was more "hard" in it than I desired

more challenge and pain 

than I was prepared for

But God met me

in the minor notes of music 

and 

the major pieces of song

These fading days of summer

afford me an opportunity

to tune my heart

to gratitude

to the One

who knows

the entire melody

An Excerpt from Eden on July 24/14

If only I could bottle this up

and take it home

This Eden-like trance of

serenity and rest

Here

the expectations are few

Here

the pressures of life virtually non-existent

Here

stress rarely surfaces

But back home...

pressures seem to mount with 

phone calls, email and text messages

Expectations

mostly from myself

loom mountainous

and

stress so often has a choke hold

on my living of life

It all feels more so these past months

I think because life has shown itself

uncertain

unstable

which has left me

insecure

threatened

A collage of physical and emotional ill health

in some I love

at times within myself

Crisis shakes normalacy

Planned and unplanned change...

Loss

in the lives of many

Situations which call upon me to confront 

one of my greatest enemies...

fear

All of this

pasted to the walls of my everyday life

and I have found myself

wanting for steadiness...

surety

My Spiritual Director would say that 

God is dismantling my earthly kingdom

one 

stone

at

a

time

I believe this

I'm even at the place where I desire it

Why?

Because I long for a rock solid foundation

a security which stablilizes me

in spite of the constant upheaval in life

The Psalms are filled with countless times where 

God is referred to as a

Rock

Refuge

Fortress

Stronghold

Habitation

our Strength

As He dismantles my earthly kingdom

He leads me to His heavenly one

I will always and only

be safe in Him

I know this

He alone can be my place of refuge

in the storms of life  Psalm 46:1

He alone never changes  Hebrews 13:9

He alone is my stronghold  Psalm 48:3

He alone is my Rock and Fortress  Psalm 31:3

He alone is my Strength  Psalm 18:1

And my only hope

of ever living life with

peace and security

is to follow the Psalmists example--

"I have set the Lord continually before me;

because He is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad,

and my glory rejoices;

my flesh will also dwell securely."

--Psalm 16:8,9

 

Moments of Eucharisteo

Eucharisteo=Thanksgiving

God's merciful protection day after day

summer

cottage living

sleeping in

when my soul is at rest

rereading "Somewhere More Holy" by Tony Woodlief

Ashley enjoying some good days this week

strength for the journey

fresh rhubarb

being reminded I am complete in Christ--Colossians 2

being inspired by others

miraculous recovery from brain surgery for my sister-in-law

the beautiful power of prayer

at rest in the mystery of God...today

flowers

"The Rest of God" by Mark Buchanan

bed sheets on the washline

supper on the deck with my hubby

yummy marinade for pork chops on bbq

rhubarb muffins

so many graces from God

anti-anxiety medication

sleeping with the windows open

celebrating Ashley's 19th birthday

lavender vanilla candle scent

taking thoughts captive to Christ--2 Corinthians 10:5

$ to buy groceries...always

laughter

new mercies each morning

my bed 

the anticipation of celebrating Cam and Sonya's 2nd anniversary next week

watching Cam care for his wife

hearing the Spirit's voice

the timely power of God's Word

In The Quiet

"When we stop the music of our life to enter solitude

we sit down right where we are at that moment,

and that's where we meet God.

We meet God in our

present delight

or our present sadness.

We meet God in the tears of our life

and the laughter of our life.

We meet God in our most unnerving questions

and in the answers we are celebrating.

No matter where we are on any given day,

when the music stops

and everything gets quiet,

we sit down right where we are

and allow ourselves to be there

with him."

--Invitation to Solitude and Silance"

Ruth Haley Barton

What a gift I have each day

as I sit at His feet

in the quiet of my home

to be with Him.

God continues to grace my days

with deeper moments of awareness

of places of
fear 

mistrust

insecurity

worry

Even the strong conviction

of my lack of genuine repentance

has been a beautiful

grace from Him

How He continues to sweep over me with

the powerful words of Isaiah 30:15

"In repentance and rest you shall be saved,

In quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

Deeper and deeper He is taking me

revealing the intertwining

of repentance

rest

quietness

and trust

And in the quietness
His challenge 

lovingly haunts me...

"...but you would have none of it."

I can see more clearly now

how my repentance

is only skin deep--

"just until I get through the crisis"

So quickly I begin to rationalize,

impulsively climbing the ladder of 

over extending myself

again

Why?

Because my identity

is tangled throughout

my giving

and compassion

and encouragement

and mercy

Because this

"messiah complex"

feeds my emptiness

Because I mistrust God's

faithful care in the lives of others

And so this is where I

sit with God right now...

in the midst of the 

messy places in my soul

Yet still He meets me here!

In the quiet
 ever so slowly
I am being transformed
by Him

 

Called to Rest

Soon...

this is where I will be...

my beloved Eden

Memories of the tranquility of cottage life

stir me

make me long for this place of respite

Yet I know that this haven of serenity

does not magically give my soul  rest

I have spent many a day with insides churning

a mind so noisy that it seems to drown out

the quiet of a rippling lake

This morning

God called me to rest

Not

10 days from now

once we've unloaded our car

into our home away from home

but

now.

Again and again

He speaks His words into my tiredness

And I am slow to take to heart

so He gently repeats Himself--

"Come to Me

and I will give you rest--

all you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke.

Wear my yoke--

for it fits perfectly--

and let me teach you;

for I am gentle and humble,

and you will find rest for your souls;

for I give you only light burdens."

Matthew 11:28-30

There is so much for me to unpack 

in those verses!!

Isaiah 30:15 continues to be a familiar theme as well--

"For thus says the Lord God,

the Holy One of Israel has said,

'In repentance and rest

you shall be saved,

In quietness and trust

is your strength."

There are a wealth of truths for me to mediate on

in just this one verse.

God knows I need to rest--

on so many levels

and getting to that place

involves

repentance

quietness

trust

He has invited 

me

to

come

to

Him

How beautiful

that the Holy One

has created this space

for me to feel my need for rest

my need for Him

  

A Grace From God

"What messes our life up most--

is the expectation

of what life 

is supposed to look like."

--Ann Voskamp

Oh yes--does this ever mess up my life!!!

Not only are my expectations unrealistic,

they are self-focused

not God-focused.

So often

it's all about me.

And no,

I am not proud of this...

but as my Spiritual Director,

my dear journeying-with-me-sister would say,

"It is a grace from God

that you have become aware of this."

Ingrid has such a 

gentle and beautiful way of leading me through 

all the ugly of my days

There's no guilt

no chiding

not even this sense from her

that there is more to "work on"

She opens up the mess of my broken ways of  living 

and sees the beauty of a God

who has made "space for you" to understand a little more

It's all about 

freedom

and 

another  

"stepping stone in the dismantling of my kingdom"

It's about 

His pace

and 

not

 mine

It's about a God who sends life my way

and not the notion that

I am the one

climbing the mountain of transformation

And this is such 

welcoming

restful

freedom producing

news 

for one who is so very tired of

not being able to

"get it together and keep it together"!

Maybe

just maybe

the abundant life

is truly possible this side of Eden...

Another 

"grace of God"

that I am drawn to believe this:)