This year...

"This year needs Advent;

needs a keeping space

Of silence and of darkness nearing down,

Someplace where all that can be still is stilled...

Where there is less of me and more of grace.

There in the waiting moments you have willed

Lies healing for an often-wounded soul,

The deep recovery of who I am

Where every whispered longing to be whole I ever breathed

is finally fulfilled."

--Jennifer Lynn Woodruff

This year

I need Advent...

a keeping space

This year

already for several weeks now

I am preparing

for this keeping space

I anticipate 

all that He is inviting me to

this Christmas season

I welcome

what I am 

here and now

growing into

Becoming Myself

This is the title for stasi eldredge's latest book--

"Becoming Myself--Embracing God's dream of you"

I delved into it Sunday evening and already

my spirit has been awakened.

I wrote on page 22...

"Oh my!  I love this."

She was quoting a friend, but this is what was said,

"What if

change is actually just Me(God) 

unveiling who you really are?"

Oh my!!!

Really??!!!

As in,

all this stripping of my graveclothes

and dismantling of my false self

and understanding 

these ways of pain in me

is not my doing...

but His??!!!!

Oh sure,

I know Christ is the one completing what He started in me

I know that really, it is the Holy Spirit growing my soul

I know this....

don't I????

I do

but I don't.

And I guess the above words

somehow change my focus...

from 

me

to 

Him.

Where it should be anyway.

But when I'm the one laden with graveclothes,

it does feel as though

it's my work,

my job

to strip away 

the mess I've made of myself.

2 Corinthians 3:18

reminds me--

"But we as Christians have no veil over our faces;

we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord.

And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us,

we become more and more

like Him."  LB

And Paul again,

in 1 Thessalonians 5:23,24

badgers my soul--

"Now may the God of peace Himself

sanctify you entirely,

and may your spirit

and soul

and body

be preserved complete,

without blame

at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Faithful is He who calls you,

and He also

will bring it to pass."

Oh my!

I love this:)

I'm Tired Lord...

Yesterday, my Spiritual Director began our time together

reading a prayer that began with...

"I'm tired, Lord."

At the time, this was not how I was feeling,

but later in the evening

and as I move through this day,

these are the words on my lips...
I'm tired Lord

I'm tired
and overwhelmed
 with the layer upon layer

of grave-clothes I wear.

It's how she described much of my experience right now,
 I'm like Lazarus

wrapped in cloth

or as I feel...

enshrouded in tightly wound layers

of 

anything but freedom.

We talked about 

guilt and compulsion and bondage

versus

freedom.

About 

my false self

and true self...

the me that God had in mind when I was being created

She spoke of the spiritual meaning

of attachment...

in which everything I do

has such high stakes attached,

whereas healthy detachment

is living life with open hands...

my worth and identity unattached 

to situations or outcomes.

The only healthy attachment is to Christ.

I desire to hear His gentle invitation

to remove my strips of grave-cloths

one at a time.

Why is it that today

it just feels like

"a host has encamped against me...

a war arisen with me."?  (Psalm 27:3)

I wonder--

Is there anything in me that is true?

Am I always walking through life with false motives?

Can I ever be attached

only to my Father

deriving my identity

solely from Him?

I fell asleep last night

meditating on Psalm 27:1-4

Verses which I have memorized in  years past

but came to life 

in my tired soul.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the defense of my life;

Whom shall I dread?

When evildoers come upon me to devour my flesh,

My adversaries and my enemies,

they stumbled and fell

Though a host encamp against me,

My heart will not fear;

Though war arise against me,

In spite of this I shall be confident.

One thing I have asked from the Lord

that I shall seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the Lord,

and to mediate in His temple."

Today

as I read further in this Psalm, 

I hold on to other verses...

"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,

And be gracious to me and answer me.

When You say,
'Seek My face,'

my heart said to You,

'Your face, O Lord, I will seek.'"

  Vs. 7,8

"Teach me Your way, O Lord;

And lead me on a level path...

Vs. 11

"I would have despaired unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong, and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the Lord."

Vs. 13,14

And so I will cry out to my God...
for I know He is ever attentive

I will seek His face
 and
seek to rest in Him,

listen to His wise, burden-free teaching,

follow His guidance as He invites me further on the journey,

wait for Him to unravel my shroud

be strong in His strength,
and

pray for courage

Maybe tomorrow I won't be as tired...

I am His Beloved

"Can we surrender the mantle of trying to be,

as someone has described us in our drivenness,

'General Manager of the Universe?'

Many of us are so accustomed to trying to be good--

doing what is right,

covering everything on our to-do-list--

that we live our lives,

even our spiritual lives,

at a frantic pace.

We cram every minute of every day with activity

and achievement,

measuring our worth by what we earn

or what good deeds we have done.

But this beautitude

'Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'

(Matthew 5:3)

says that approach is all wrong.

When we offer to God what we cannot do--

our weaknesses--

then the kingdom is ours.

God says in this beatitude,

'When you give up your illusions of control

and power

and acknowledge your absolute need of Me,

all that I have opens to you.'"
--Mary Lou Redding

"The Power of a Focused Heart"

Can it be that I am nearing this place?

Is it possible that I am giving up the fight?

Am I finally letting go of who I want to be

and 

giving thanks for who I am?

The way I have been living

dishonors my Creator.

Deeply.

Psalm 139 declares unabashedly,

the uniqueness with which 

I was created.

When I aspire to be someone else

when I think I am not enough

when I doubt the capacity for servant hood I have been given

I am telling God He made a mistake.

And it grieves Him

Because He had incredible plans for me

even before I was born (Psalm 139)

I am a work of His

planned in ages past (Ephesians 2:10)

He started something good in me

and promises to bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6)

I am His beloved.

Oh how remarkably, beautiful

and true

this is becoming for me.

And regardless of my weaknesses--

Despite my fallen ways of living--

No!

Because of these fallen, broken ways of mine--

He shines through

even brighter
(2 Corinthians 4:7)

"For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you.

He is a mighty Saviour.

He will give you victory.

He will rejoice over you in great gladness;

He will love you and not accuse you.

Is that a joyous choir I hear?

No, it is the Lord Himself

exulting over you in happy song."

--Zephaniah 3:17,18  LB

Day after Day

"For thus the Lord God,

the Holy One of Israel has said,

In repentance and rest you shall be saved,

In quietness and trust is your strength."

--Isaiah 30:15

Oh how my heart longs to live these words

from my Lord God,

the Holy One.

Day after day 

I continue to turn away from so much

the keeps me from Him

so that I may more fully

turn to my Father

Rest

a deep and abiding rest in 

the Sovereign One

This

is my salvation

Shhhh

my soul

Quiet the voices

that disturb my focus

on Jesus

And trust

Trust in the One and Only

wise 

gracious

compassionate 

God

Here

I will

find

strength

The Power of a Word

It was just one word

not new

not flamboyant 

but so life changing

for my soul to take in.

It's dismantling

the many other words

that have cloaked my spirit--

discipline

work

regimen

to-do list

schedule

must

should

have-to.

This is how I've lived my life

physical life

emotional life

mental life

spiritual life.

And yet a part of me

a large part of me

hasn't fully lived

certainly not lived with 

freedom

and

abandon.

But that's all changing.

Because if I look at all of life through the lens of

invitation...

the view is so very different.

And when I participate with God

in an ongoing conversation

we discern together

how my day will unfold.

"God...are You inviting me to take on this task?"

"God...is this an invitation to rest?"

"God...grant me endurance to live out Your invitation to
take care of my health."

"God...I don't know if You are inviting me to sacrifice
or not...
thank You for Your faithful love
regardless of my choice."

Oh the freedom this word affords!!!
I can say "no"!!
I can respond to His invitation
in many ways
and I am loved no matter what!!!


The power of this one word
invitation
is slowly opening the door to
living free.
Day after day
it is becoming more and more natural
to approach
all of life
with the guidance of
Him
and
this single
 solitary
soul-awakening
word.

Being Lazy with God

These are the only words I remember today

of the prayer prayed over me

by my Spiritual Director.

Her prayer was so gentle and beautiful

that I wish I could recall each word expressed,

but when this trio of words slipped off of her lips

I think I almost gasped, 

forgetting everything else

focused on this thought alone.

To be "lazy with God"???!!!!

Oh to be that free!

To be rid of

should's 

and 

ought's

 and 

have-to's

and 

must's...

Can I even imagine such a life?!

Imagine???!!!!

No, tonight I'm starting to live it.

I'm beginning to hear God's invitation

to live free with Him

He's beckoning me in such a 

quiet, powerful way.

And I'm saying

yes....

oh yes!!!!!

Time to move from blogging

and lounge elsewhere

with God:)

Untitled

It was a week ago this evening that my husband and I

went to an AA meeting

to celebrate a friend's

10th year of Sobriety.

Now I'm no stranger to AA since my 

hubby is a recovered alcoholic.

So over the course of our marriage 

I have been to many meetings

and always

without fail

two things happen:

I feel at home when I am there

and I return home feeling

hugely inspired.

This particular time I have had a lingering thought:

"I should be a part of of AA...

I should be at these meetings...

weekly."

Before someone wonders if I've taken up drinking,

I haven't:)

But I share the same fundamental inner soul struggles 

that recovering alcoholics do--

they just lead me to make different choices

which develop into my own set of problems.

The first step of AA is

an admission that we are powerless over alcohol

that our lives have become unmanageable.

The only change I need to make in that step is the word alcohol.

All I need to do is insert my own word 

or words.

I haven't written in here for awhile

because I haven't known what to write.

There is a sense that my life has become unmanageable

again

and that in and of itself

specifically the "again" part

I find discouraging.

And so I'm left with questions--

How has this happened...again?

Why does this continue to be my story?

What am I going to do about it?

Beginning to answer those questions has been

part of my quest this week.

A quest which has led me to the place I always run to

when life becomes unmanageable.

 God and His Word.

A beloved scripture of mine is key

and this particular translation has spoken to me.

"Come to Me

and I will give you rest--

all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke.

Wear my yoke--

for it fits perfectly--

and let me teach you;

for I am gentle and humble,

and you shall find rest for your souls;

for I give you only light burdens."

--Matthew 11:28-30  LB

I know

beyond a shadow of a doubt

that the simple answer 

is coming to Jesus.

 I am doing that

and will continue to.

But how I understand these words of Jesus

and put them into practice has always been

illusive for me.

Looking into the "how" and "why" and

"what am I going to do about it"

is now part of my search.

Coming to a place of beginning to articulate the above

has been good for me

as it moves me out of the

"I am such a loser"

into

"I am moving towards something better"

I know God has good things planned

 

Prayer

I think if we are all honest

we have at least one or two

relentless prayers

that are taking far too long to be answered

with a "yes".

The waiting stretches into one tomorrow after another.

It's a soul-kind-of-laborious waiting...

 discouraging.

But I keep praying.

Sometimes I pray boldly,

with great anticipation

for what I am convinced one day

my eyes will behold.

Sometimes I pray desperately...

"Oh God...please...I beg you..."

And sometimes

like last evening

I pray humbly

for I am aware once again

of the vast chasm between

my ways

and His ways

my thoughts

and His thoughts

Janet Thompson was reminded of this in 

Tiegreen's, "One Year Walk with God" devotional.  

It was a discussion of Isaiah 50:2

"Was my arm too short to ransom you?

Do I lack the strength to rescue you?"

"The comment was, 'If you've ever maintained hope

when problems were solvable and then given up hope

when they are not, 

you have forgotten the God of the impossible.

Your situation does not scare Him.

He is not desperately trying to figure it out.

He takes great pleasure in bursting into an impossible situation

with an answer no one had ever thought of...

He looks for faith so that when He bursts in,

He will be recognized.

It must be genuine faith, 

persistent faith,

 and bold faith."

I want to have that kind of faith

the kind the recognizes Him

when He bursts in!

"Pray in the Spirit 

at all times

and on every occasion.

Stay alert

and be persistent in your prayers."

--Ephesians 6:18 NLT 

 

"What I miss...or not so much"

It's been a week now

since we dropped our girl off at University.

It's been a good week...

a -feeling-things-out-week

a growing sense of

what I miss or don't miss

kind of week.

I don't miss...

hair in the shower

hair in the sink

hair in the laundry

you get the picture:)

I don't miss

the vast amount of drama housed in this girl's tiny frame

knowing "too much information"

untold glasses in the sink(because she uses a new one every time she takes a drink of water!!!

--the stack of dirty dishes from her bedroom

For sure there is

less laundry

less dishes to wash

less cleaning

All of which are lovely if I'm honest

But all of this does point to this new normal

my girl is gone

at least for now

But I do miss

the sound of her voice

that beautiful smile

and the swish of her gorgeous mane of auburn hair

I miss

her unique sense of humor

and the dramatic inflections in her voice

I miss giving her kisses on her head throughout the day

I miss praying with her before bed

and singing "our song" every night

(yes, still at 18)

But the season we're both in is good and right 

for both of us

She's done a lot of growing up

in one week!!!

And I am gratefully proud

 

She relied on me for a great deal of emotional support

and I was quick and ready to provide

And I don't regret this for a moment

Did I do too much for her in the practical aspects of living?

Yep!

It was just sort of the "arrangement" that unfolded

"My Mama will do it, so why should I?"

 

And so a new season has come

 a  time for her to step out

and me to step back

Two years ago I learned how to text

and now...

what a gift!

I know enough of the day to day happenings

to keep me connected

mostly contented

and always praying

I love my girl

"to the moon and back"

To Everything...A Season

"There is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to plant,

and a time to uproot what is planted."

--Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2b

I am a gardener at heart, 

not only when it comes to the soil of the earth

and the brilliant hues of flowers,

but also

and even more so,

a gardener of my children.

For 18 years I have been planting

in the life of my daughter.

My gift to Ashley:)

Deliberately, carefully, lovingly

planting within her

all that I believe she will need

to live her life to the full.

As parents we know that 

we plant in order to "uproot what is planted"

but somehow we still find ourselves asking,

"How did we get here...soooo fast?"

And while the planting gives an impression of

gentleness and nurturing,

uprooting

tends to evoke an image of...well,

a somewhat violent act.

                   

The "My Dysfunctions" journal was her request!!

This past week seems to have been a tug of war between the planting and uprooting.  One minute I was still endeavoring to plant...just one more important thought/truth, etc. And the next minute she seemed to be uprooting herself.

Frequently she has voiced a one-word reflection of her desire to be uprooted.  It's the joyous inflection in her voice and dance of her eyes and width of her smile that add to this one-word...
"Goodbyyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!"

Sometimes it made me laugh and sometimes it hurt...not a lot, but enough.

Just because there is a season for everything

doesn't make it simple

or pain free

It just makes it "normal".

On Friday we spent the morning moving her and her roomie's belongings

 

Cam and Sonya joined us in unpacking the van and 

moving everything into her room:)

So nice to have them share this with us.

I am so grateful to know that they will be

there for her to assist her in navigating

university life.

Saturday was the "uprooting"

in all it's moments of excitement, tension and energy.

 She's ready.

And truthfully,

I feel ready too.

But that doesn't mean that the process is smooth

for either of us.

It will be an adjustment for her in huge ways!!!!

I know that because I've lived the season she is entering.

And for me?

This has familiarity in some fashion because Cam uprooted two years ago.

But I was still planting in the life of Ashley then.

Now my gardening role is changing

drastically.

The coming days, weeks and months will be a time of unfolding for me.

I'm not even trying to imagine all that this means;

It is my desire that I am able to "let it be" 

more than seeking to manage it.

What I know today is--

1.  I'm tired and the quiet and rest is welcome:)

2.  She's already texted me with..."you'll be happy to know I'm still alive!!!"

And I am of course very happy about that!!!!

3.  I have a wonderful husband with whom I am anticipating

journeying together

in this empty nest season

4.  God appointed this season; therefore

I can rest in His care,

His guidance

and His sure and ever-present love.