A Work in Progress

I'm having fun...but I'm still figuring this all out...and it's time to call it a night!!
Back tomorrow!

His Presence

I love her depth and insight.  I love her authentic words filled with hope and promises and purpose.  I love her attentiveness and willingness to probe into my soul.  I love the way in which she takes a few verses from my Bible and brings them to life...so that I might have life.

Yet again, my Spiritual Director has pulled back the curtains to reveal truth and beauty in God's Word. 

It was a familiar story in the book of Matthew and although there is much in all that unfolds between Jesus and his disciples, all that you need to be aware of is that this group of men are out at sea in what the Bible refers to as a "tormenting" wind.  If that isn't terrifying enough, they think they are seeing a ghost coming towards them on the water.  Of course it is Jesus, but they do not know this until He says:


"Take courage,
      it is I;
           do not be afraid."

It's the three simple but powerful words, sandwiched in between the others, that I find so captivating.

"It is I."

Jesus.

Jesus is there.  In the whipping wind and the tossing waves.  In the dark of night and the frozen fear of the disciples.

And if Jesus is there...and He is...everything changes.

 Who else can tell me to have courage and me reach out with both hands?  Who else dare shell out the words, "do not be afraid?" 

Only Jesus.  

Now to really live as though His presence makes a difference.  I mean it's one thing for the words of God to leap off the page, but quite another to acknowledge and invite and rest in His presence throughout the course of my day.  I so desire this reality.  And if anyone can make it happen, He's the One.

So tomorrow, if the wind takes my breath away, or fear grips my heart, or if it's just a harder-than-normal part of my day which threatens to throw me off course, I sincerely hope I remember Jesus.  I hope I will stop long enough to hear Him say, "It is I." 

Because I know His presence changes everything.   

Starting Today with Grace

"Oh Father God, I invite You into my weakness and ask You to be my strength.

I acknowledge that You have won the victory--I only need to receive it.

I am reminded that I do not need a new program or method to run my life.  I need the person of Jesus Christ.

I am aware that trying harder will not put an end to my inner turmoil.   Trusting Christ alone to express Himself through me is the pathway my feet should take.

My felt need of learning to cope is better replaced by surrendering MY resources to Him.

Thinking that I must be more committed is erroneous.  Letting God do what HE wants with me is all that's required.

The issue it not my performance.  The issue is my identity--it's in Christ."

Our "Farewell to the Holiday's" Adventure: World Junior Hockey

What a fantastic way for our family to end the holidays!  My hubby was given 4 tickets to the World Junior Quarter Finals in Buffalo for Sunday Jan 2.  Our excitement was increased dramatically when we learned that Canada was going to be playing against Switzerland.  Brian started e-mailing people for Canada Jerseys so we could be part of the sea of red and white.  Three out of the four of us ended up sporting Canadian attire.

It may have been only a 2 1/2 hour game, but we knew it was going to an all day affair for us with traveling time.  Sunday morning found us preparing lunches and gathering passports, American $, boots, coats, hats and mitts.  Except Cam of course.  Remember, he's the guy who eats farmer's corn and half eaten pitas from the side of the road.  We did manage to convince him to wear a winter coat, reminding him that we were going to park a distance from the HSBC Arena and that weather was forecast as windy, cold and snow flurries.   But take along mitts??? " What for???  I've got pockets."  I told him that pockets wouldn't help him if he had to push the car out of the ditch.  But Mr. Debater indicated that in such a situation, his mother would be in the car and he could borrow my mitts!!!  (Mentioning all of this will become important in this adventure later on)

10:30 a.m. and we are out the door and on our way.  A brief stop before the border gave us time to eat our prepared lunches in the car.  Then on to join the lengthy lines of vehicles filled with excited Canadians waiting to cross the border.  It was a 45 minute lesson in patience for Ashley who does not like to wait. Personally I thought it was awesome!
We arrived well in advance of the 3:30 game start, and were able to park on a street for free.  Much better than the $60 price gouging lots we were warned of.

  Because my procrastinating daughter still had an unfinished homework assignment, we stayed in the car for a time while she laboriously sought to complete it.  The car engine was off, but music still playing(because heaven forbid that she would have to work in silence!!)  Eventually, the chill was becoming too much for me, and Brian turned on the ignition.

Nothing
.
He tried again.

Nothing.

Oh my...not good.  So what does one do when your car doesn't start and Canada is warming up for the big game?  YOU WORRY ABOUT THE CAR LATER AND GO TO THE GAME!!!!

The game was not the thunderously loud riot we had expected, but still, tons of fun for all of us.  The first period was mostly a nail biter until Canada tied it up.  As the goals slowly increased, we relaxed a little more and cheered for all we were worth each time the puck found its way past the Swiss goalie.  What a feeling to be in an arena filled with Canadians!!!  It was such a unified roaring-to-our-feet celebration with each goal.  I just loved it!!!  Final score? (For those of you who don't watch hockey....do you people really exist???!!!!) 4-1 for Canada!!!!!!!!!  Woo-hoo!!!

 Thanks to my brother for this Jersey!!!!!!

 Now for the trek back to our dead car.  Of course we are all hoping it will miraculously start and yes, some of us prayed for this.  But why end the adventure with the hockey game?

The car continued to quietly protest the turning of the key.

Now, there are two tangents I must go on to explain this ongoing saga.  Remember my boy without mitts?  The one who is now standing outside in the cold and wind with his father opening up the hood of the car?  Yep, that boy.  I opened my door and called to him, "Cam, do you want to borrow my mitts?"

"Sure", came the response with a grin attached.  Need I say more!!!

Shortly thereafter, a nice young Canadian fan arrived to pick up his vehicle and helped to give us a boost.   Thanks so much!!!

The other tangent I must mention is that apparently it was MY fault that the car wouldn't start.  You see, I prayed that the car would start OR that God would provide someone to help us.  But this, I discovered, makes God think.  Because I gave Him two options, He now has to weigh them out and make a decision.  I should have just kept it simple with, "Please make the car start."

Ashley's response to the 2 nameless people who blamed me, was, "I can't believe you're arguing about God...I think He does whatever the heck it is that He wants to."  Ha,ha

Okay let's get back to that warm, humming car, and make our way back across the border.  It was probably closer to 30 minutes this time, of waiting to enter our "home and native land".  Meanwhile, the discussion revolved around whether we were going to stop for supper at Swiss Chalet and risk the car dying again, or go through a drive through.  We opted to stop, and enjoyed a delicious dinner as a family, with a server who actually enjoyed her job!!  (Unlike the border personnel who clearly dislike what they do)

And the car started!!!!!!!!  "Thanks God" :)

Destination...home.  Arrival...9:35 pm.  An absolutely fun-filled, adventure laden, memory-making day, and a perfect way to bid farewell to the holiday

 Can't wait for the really big game tonight!!!!!!!!!!!


 Now, for a return to what I'm calling, "The 6 R's"

Return to routines
Reduce food consumption
Reinstate exercise
Reintroduce flossing (yes, I took a holiday from that too!)
Recall memory-filled moments of Christmas
Remember... this new year is a gift

Welcome New Year...Welcome Grace

A new year is on the horizon.  Hours from now, in comfy homes and bustling restaurants, in quiet get togethers and rowdy parties, we will welcome in this blank slate of 2011.

Some will have already jotted down their resolutions for the new year; others continue to ponder what it is they hope to put feet to in the coming days and months.

I am welcoming grace.

Grace has never been my closest friend.  I've always been about no-nonsense rules, long lists and higher-than-I expectations.  My self-made or perceived laws tend to govern my daily living and quite frankly, leave me tired, disappointed and sparsely contented.  My desire to put to death this tug-of-war within is not something new, but how I am seeking to approach it is.  Instead of using phrases such as "have to" and "should" and "must", I am allowing even my words to be seasoned with grace.  That's why I am welcoming grace into my life this year.  I'm flinging open the door of my spirit and bidding her come.

I prefer not to call this a resolution.  A resolution, to me, is a little on the harsh side and leaves no room for failure, which is precisely what I am clamoring to get away from.  There's very little grace in a New Year's resolution.  One either meets the challenge or falls off the band wagon.  Failure.

So I am welcoming grace.

I desire to walk more closely with my Father and less competitively with others.

I long to rest more deeply in Christ and jump through fewer hoops of performance-laden living.


I plan to hide his Word of truth in my heart and have this drown out the false voices in my head.


I  aim to practice patience and kindness on myself and leave my self condemning attitudes by the wayside.

I yearn to experience the contentment of belonging to Him regardless of who else approves or doesn't approve of me.

I'm welcoming grace.

Those words, "welcoming grace", are so freeing for me.  They have this beautiful ring tone of eternity in them.  In my welcoming her, I can be assured she will stay.   Even when I fail... and I will, grace will still be there.  I may choose to not practice her presence, but God's lavish gift remains.  He is proficient at continually showering me with His grace.  Alleluia!

Let the calender turn its page, and a new year enter in.

Welcome grace.   

The Never Ending Story

Store decorations are coming down, the baking supply is dwindling, and I have waited in the customer service line(a short one) with a return.  All signs that Christmas is over.

But treasured family times and memories are on short recall.

 My dear daughter who got up at 7 a.m. Christmas morning to bake Jesus' birthday cake.  She was resting on the couch as it baked in the oven and the rest of us slept!

 Cam set to put yummy pork chops on the BBQ for our Christmas dinner.

 Ashley modeling her Aunt Tania's crocheted gift of hat, scarf and fingerless mitts.

 My kids...who are actually getting along this Christmas!!!  Harmony in the home is a lovely gift.

Cam's very first baking with yeast endeavour.  They were mouthwatering amazing!

It is the norm for me to often experience somewhat of a letdown once the big day has come and gone.  But this year has been different. This year I am more aware of that which continues on.  The One who is at the center of the season, is still at the center of my life.  The mind boggling story of perfect Love come to earth is not just a story for Christmas.  It is the Never Ending Story, and I'm wrapped up in this reality.  The story is not over; Jesus has not disappeared with the rest of Christmas.  He continues to pen His story in my life and to write the pages of His story throughout this broken world.  And with a new year just around the corner, I am reveling in this timeless gift.  I need this never ending gift.

So to all of you who thought it was all over, it's not!!!

Merry Christmas...forever.

Coming "Home" for Christmas

"God calls us to come home for Christmas.  
God calls us to come back from all those places where we have settled for less than the fullness of life promised to us in Christ.
God calls us back from all the ambitions and possessions we have pursued, thinking they would satisfy us.
God calls us to let go of any bitterness and resistance to forgive that block the light of love from warming us...
God calls us to come home and to rest, to be embraced by one who loves us as we are.
God offers us a place where we are fully known and also fully accepted."
--Mary Lou Redding
"While We Wait"

May you come "home" for Christmas to the One who waits for you.

Merry Christmas,
Juanita

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree--What a story you are telling this year...."

Last evening we "buried" our Christmas tree.  No, we are not bah humbugging the season, but our tree seemed to be.  We noticed shortly after decorating that a good number of needles were falling to the floor.  As the days passed, a daily carpeting was visible and I began to wonder if our tree was going to make it through to Christmas Day.  Several days ago, I noticed ornaments clumping together.  They were sliding down the branches into one another.  Many of the branches were in fact turning under as the needles effortlessly fell to the carpet.  The thought of purchasing another tree and redecorating did not appeal to me, but neither did the scene that was unfolding and knowing that this tree had no chance of surviving until the 25th.

So I called the Nursery and inquired as to whether they had heard other complaints of ultra dry tree.  "Yes, a few."  I explained the demise of our tree and was told a Fraser Fir (1 of the last remaining 7 trees at the Nursery) would be held just for us.  By now I was anxious to be rid of the corpse in my living room and anticipating a lush, fresh centerpiece.

Returning the brittle-branched tree was a feat in itself.  Wrapping it in a tarp helped prevent our van from succumbing to a green layer of prickles.  Upon arrival at the Nursery we were directed to the outdoor area where one lone Fraser Fir lay frozen against a wall.  Shall I say, one very tall Fraser Fir.  The tag read 12-14 feet.  Our ceiling is 8.  After sawing off 3-4 feet and a mountain of branches, we were set to go.

Removing Mr. Prickly from the back of the van resulted in the gentleman(Eric) assisting us to ask a question, "Did you put sugar in the water?"

"Yes"

"That's the worst thing for a tree...clogs up the pores."  He could tell instantly because of the black stump.

Did you know that?  We certainly didn't.  We've heard of many people who add sugar to their tree water.

So now, not only do we have a dead tree, but it appears that it was our own doing.  However, Eric, was in a very giving spirit, and insisted we take the Fraser Fir.  He could not be sure that it's fate did not also involve other elements.

Driving away with our new gem, I whispered my shock explaining to my hubby that I had noticed the price tag on the tree...$299.99!!!!!!!!!!  Eric GAVE us a $300 tree!!!!!  Unbelievable!

Three tree stands later, Sher is standing tall and gorgeous in our living room.  Yes, I named her "Sher" after the Nursery that so generously blessed us.  I say "three tree stands later", because our tree stand and one given to us by an acquaintance would not hold the weight of Sher.  Last night we went to bed as the "Leaning tower of Pisa" was anchored to the window frame.  This morning, the same Nursery had ONE LAST TREE STAND...a heavy duty steel base, and half price to boot.

Tonight, I am in awe as I gaze at what I believe is an extravagant gift from God.  We don't need Sher nor deserve her beauty.  We could have still had a wonderful Christmas without her.  But she has been given to us, and we are gratefully enjoying the unique way she has come to grace our home.

Don't expect to see Sher out on our boulevard the day after New Year's.  We plan to enjoy her well into January.

My Boy is Home!!!!!!!!!

Brian and I just got off the phone with Cam.  He's home from the Philippines!!!!!!!  It was sooooooo good to hear his voice!!!

It was a long trip home, with additional stopovers due to medical emergancies, delays, etc. But he's home.

He will still be in residence this week, debriefing the past 4 months as well as planning for the Expedition Party on Thursday evening.  It will be a night of pictures and stories and God's hand print on lives.  I can't wait.  My boy is home!!

On Friday he moves home, home!!  And I told him that my schedule is free that day, so I am able to come and pick him up at his beck and call. 

There will no doubt be challenges in learning to live together as a family again, but I believe his absence has done something inside of each one of us.  We are ALL anticipating our togetherness.   

My boy is home!!!

"Merciful Father, thank You for your protection, guidance and faithfulness to Cam."

Fully Present

This is my second year reading through Beth A. Richardson's Advent Devotional, "The Uncluttered Heart".  I love how the encouragement and challenges and comforts are fresh.  God's truth is always  in season regardless of having heard it before.  And His intimate ways are so obvious as He speaks to me each new day.

Today was timely, once again.  Allow me to share some of it with you.

"Being fully present in my body brings me into this moment--now.  Look!  I am seeing sunlight(or faces or Christmas lights).  Listen!  I am hearing music(or angry voices or laughter or silence).  Smell!  I am in the bakery (or the baby needs changing or the candles are lit).  Taste!  I am eating oatmeal(or coffee or something sweet).  Feel!  I am sitting in a chair(or I am hurting or I am tired).

Being fully present in my body allows me to turn to God more easily, staying open to God's leading in the next moment and the next and the next.  I am here, God.  What would you have me to do?  I am here, God.  Help me walk in peace.  I am here, God.  Give me wisdom and strength to face the next challenge.

Walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace."

That which resonated with me, was the call to be fully present, to enter into the realities of my life.  There was this sense of freedom in hearing "permission" to just be as I am.


The past couple of weeks have not found me perpetually singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  I am struggling emotionally again.  I hate that word...again.  I entered into the Christmas season with excitement and joy and anticipation.  But a certain level of this Christmas spirit has been overshadowed by the darker side that seems to never totally be gone from my life.  I have to be honest,  I'm disappointed and frustrated.  It's not the way I was planning for the month of December to unfold.  It's a challenge to enjoy all that I am "supposed" to enjoy, when I feel anxious, overwhelmed and fatigued.

But today, I felt a sense of freedom as I allowed myself to be fully present in my body, in the moment.   My eyes could focus on a flickering candle, a beautifully lit Christmas tree, and the gently falling snow outside my window.  My ears heard the swish of traffic on the wet streets, the heat pumping out of the vent beside me, even the sound of my pen as I wrote these thoughts.  My nose enjoyed the amazing aroma of the new scent of "McIntosh Cider" coming from my potpourri burner.  Sitting in my chair I felt its comfort and warmth, surrounding my tired body.   

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that regardless of all that I will experience, I still have the privilege of being fully present with all of who I am.  The Christ who came over 2000 years ago, beckons me to His side, as I am.  He will lead and provide and walk with me through each and every moment.

By His grace, I can walk gently, peacefully, in the way of Christ's peace.

"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree"

I decorated our Christmas tree tonight.  The one that comes to within an inch of the ceiling.  It's ginormous, and we love it!!  Usually we look for one around 6 feet, but the nursery only had  7-8 foot Balsam fir, and I certainly was not going home "tree-less"!!!   The scent of Balsam draws me to inhale deeper.  It's difficult, but I patiently wait a couple of days for the branches to relax before hauling out all the decorations.

And so, in a quiet house, with Christmas music cheering me on, I began the yearly event.  It is always a nostalgic affair, and at times bittersweet.  Memories often come flooding back of times past.  I carefully place the ornament displaying my mother's picture in the center of the tree, remembering those seasons of deep grief.  I am able to smile and move on and not be catapulted into the sadness. 

I love how the majority of the ornaments remind me of the giver. 

Hand-made decorations made by the small hands of my children many years ago. 

The "five gold rings" ornament given to celebrate my husband's 5 years of sobriety.  That was 18 years ago!! 

A beautiful Betsie Goodman ball of a sleeping baby, given when Cam was born.  It tugs at my heart as I hang it on the tree, feeling the thousands of miles which separate us at present.

Oh, and the hand painted ball which traveled all the way from the Czech Republic, one of many treasured ornaments from a long-time friend.   

Hope are the words on one decoration.  It was what I so desparately needed for some very long, dark, pain-filled years. 

Speaking of hope, my Toronto Maple Leaf ball is sitting quietly beside, but in front of Brian's Boston Bruin Ball.  I wonder how long it will take him to notice my subtle hint.  I wonder how long I will have to hope before my Leaf's get their game together :) 

It was a gentle, happy-sad walk down memory lane tonight.  I suppose it's a reminder that my decorated tree is full of the bitter and the sweet, sort of like life.  And that's okay, because it's what makes living rich and full and wonderfully authentic.

Time to dim the lights, settle in with a warm blanket and enjoy.