Never Mine to Hold

Traditionally Lent is known for its call to give up something.  

It has just been the past few years that I have even observed this season on the liturgical calender. 

 I feel very "young" in this spiritual journey of Lent and continue to grow in my learning of it.  

Even as we began Lent several weeks ago, I did not have a sense of what I was to give up.  

I did not want it to be devoid of meaning and so waited for God to reveal to me His ask.  

It would have been much easier for me to just choose a food like chocolate or baking.  

After all, this is measurable, has a simplistic nature to it and also has an end in sight. 

 But when God set before me worry I knew this was big...transformative... if I chose to let it be.  

For sure this was not simple,was challenging to measure and held no completion date.  

Yet I knew this was from God.  

He knows my tendency to revert to ruminating over much that I have no control over.  

And true to form there has been no shortage of circumstances and happenings 

with which to practice this call for Lent.

 A steady stream of events have occurred the past weeks culminating in a 

"can't get closer to my heart than this" worry.  

On Friday afternoon my daughter had an anaphylactic reaction to something she ate.  

I administered the epipen and drove her to the hospital a block from our home.  

(I can get there faster than calling an ambulance!!)  

She was cared for with speed, efficiency and care and was back in our home by dinner time.  

I could list with ease the many faithful ways God cared for her, 

complete with Cam and Sonya skipping an end of the day class and 

coming to see Ashley and support us.

But it was traumatic for my girl and my mother's heart.  

Even though this is the second allergic reaction I have witnessed, it still undoes me.  

Not in the moment.  

In the moment I am calm and clear headed, 

I suspect because I have to be!!!  

It's terribly frightening for Ashley--I can't give in to the same fear.

But when it's "over" and the meds kick in and her body calms down, and my own adrenaline is depleted 

then slowly the reality of what has transpired begins to sink in. 

And I go through my own internal reaction.  

It didn't help that processing this emergency came within a day and a half of her leaving 

on an 8 hour drive with friends to spend March Break. 

Nothing in me wanted to "give her up".  

To let her go outside our door let alone into another province.

To relinquish her care into...

God's

Somehow I think I am the "be all and end all"!!

I'm just not sure how God would do giving the epipen!!!!

But there have been many other reminders before Friday afternoon

that seemed to scream in my ear

"SHE DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU!!!!!"

And I know that.

I know she belongs to Him.

And when I really get quiet and still with my God

there is an overriding peace that comes from

knowing His all encompassing care

But it's hard to stay in that place

of surrender

and trust.

Audrey Assad sings a very telling song entitled

"Everything is Yours."

"If everything is Yours, everything is Yours

I'm letting it go

It was never mine to hold

Never mine"

It's what I am continually reminded of these past days--

she has never been mine to hold.

I know that my journey through this Lenten season 

is not going to have me "arriving"

at the end of this worry thing.

It is going to continue to need to be a practice of mine

But it is my hope and prayer

that each day I walk more fully

in His resurrection power

in His promise of new life

even on this post-Eden planet

of emergency rooms

beloved daughters

and 

letting them go.