One Day At A Time

An excerpt from my journal this morning:

"Father, I need You so much. I feel betrayed by my body and mind. The fight to stay positive...strong...seems never ending, and tires me in and of itself. Sometimes I just want to collapse under the pressure and just let me 'be'. Let me be empty, let me complain, let me be angry and curse, let me rant, let me cry...gosh, my body won't even allow me to cry. The sobbing is holed up somewhere; God knows where! Let me quit...just for a little while. That's what I do every night when my head hits the pillow. I quit. No more struggle, no more fighting, no more trying; I am done for the day. I've made it through. Blessed sleep gives me the much desired gift of quitting."

As I continued my time with God, I read the invocation to the Lent devotional I have embarked on. It reads like this: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14. So much for quitting!!!!!! This verse sort of flies in the face of what I want to do--cave under the pressure. But it does allow me to just "be". Waiting for God has a "being" element. There is nothing I can do to make God hurry up and do whatever it is I think He should be doing. He has His own pace. And in a weird, mysterious sort of way, I find this restful; at least for today.

The "doing" part about being strong and filling my heart with courage is what I call soul work.. It involves immersing myself in God...His character...and meditating on His life-giving Words. It's a choice. I wish it were more simple than that. But walking with God is not about sitting back and being spoon-fed. This relationship I committed myself to 32 years ago is not for the faint of heart.
It calls me to wake up every day and choose to persist, endure, press on. Or not. Some days I forge ahead with bold passion. Other days, like today, I'm trudging...slowly, yes, but still deliberate.

That sometimes-obnoxious-cliche'sh-simply-spoken-phrase "one day at a time", is how I'm living today. It's a "have-to". It's all I can manage.

The closing verse in my devotional was timed perfect for me..."The Lord is the stronghold of my life..." Psalm 27:1

He is my stronghold.

A life-giving reminder of grace in this place.