Something Like

 "I saw...in the middle of the fire,

something like gleaming amber.

And in the middle of it was

something like four living creatures...

In the middle of the living creatures there was

something like torches moving to and fro.

As I looked beside the living creatures, I saw...

something like a wheel within a wheel.

Over the heads of the living creatures there was

something like a dome, shining crystal...

and above the dome there was 

something like a throne."

Ezekiel 1:4-26

O my God

You are

something like the highest mountain

a grandeur of breathtaking proportions

Powerful One

You are

something like the vast ocean

an expanse I cannot measure

Creative One

You are

something like a radiant sunrise

painting brush strokes of beauty

Wise One

You are

something like the changing seasons

knowing  our souls need all manner of weather

Merciful One

You are

like a refreshing rain in an endless drought

allowing us to drink in Your tenderness

Loving One

You are

like the warmth and majesty of a roaring campfire

wrapping heat around shivering bodies

inviting us near

yet with reverence and awe

O my God

I worship You

The Crucible

"Crucible:  

A place or set of circumstances

where people or things

are subjected to forces that test them

and often make them change."

Encarta World English Dictionary (North American Edition)

This is where I have been these past weeks.

In the Crucible.

I can't say it has been enjoyable by any stretch

but it has been oh soooooo good for my soul.

I have come to realize that I often take up residence in the Crucible.

I allow myself to get into circumstances

namely caregiving

which tests me severely

and leads me into unhealthy living.

But I never change.

I continue to repeat the same scenario.

This time is different.

Thankfully.

I have been walking a path of soulful examination--

discovering more of why I do what I do

how I get "caught" in this trap

of over extending my limits

and what is the way to

a healthier way of living.

Ruth Haley Barton in her book

"Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership"

says this:

"...it is important for us to embrace spiritual transformation

as a process that is full of mystery...

God is the one who initiates and guides the process

and brings it to fruition.

The soul-full leader is appropriately humbled

by this realization and also relieved to not have to bear

the heavy weight of responsibility for changing herself or others.

The soul-full leader is faithful to the one thing he can do--

create the conditions that set us up for an encounter with God

in the places where we need it most."

I am encountering God in the places where I need Him most

It's a freeing place to be

 

 

The Blessings of Rain--A Prayer

I am continuing to be a part of Rachel Hackenberg"s Friday Prayer Writings. 

Today she has mentioned that a chilly spring rain is saturating Pennsylvania .  She asks her fellow prayer writers, "How is the weather where you are?" 

I smile because we have had a mixture of precipitation these past 24 hours--sleet, ice pellets, freezing rain and rain.  Most everything this morning is still covered in ice including many a car!!  I am aware as well, that there is a danger in this freezing rain.  Our street is blocked due to a large limb covering the entire two lanes of traffic.  A police car sits outside my house as there are live power lines down because of this. Elsewhere similar situations exist.

But I am being challenged more and more to have my heart awakened to the blessings of God even amidst danger, struggle, turmoil.

Rachel's verse to prompt our prayer speaks of the blessings of rain--

"I will send down the showers in their season;

they shall be showers of blessing.

The trees of the field shall yield their fruit;

and the earth shall yield its increase.

They shall be secure in their soil;

and they shall know that I am the LORD."

--Ezekiel 34:26b-27

Lord of the weather

I acknowledge the supremacy of Your power

in the world around me

Grateful I am

for protection through the night

here in my small corner of this planet

It is often in times like these

that I am reminded 

of Your Lordship

Not that You

drown us in frozen rain

icing trees

and downing power lines

No...

I don't believe that is Your way

But You are God

And I am aware of my smallness

A very wise posture for me

 

 

Feast of Hope

A room transformed.

Brown classroom tables covered with

 linens, china, silverplate

dancing candle flames and bright spring blooms

And food...

a smorgasbord of salads, meats, breads and stews

Oh, and some chocolate too:)

It was our last class in the Theology of Suffering Course.

We spent our time together feasting

and sharing symbols of hope

and our individual Prose of Hope.

We ate with the silverware that was my mother's..

 my symbol of hope.

I expressed the longevity of the journey

to move from a place of only mourning her death

to being able to celebrate her life

It seemed only fitting to feast

with her silverware.

And my Prose of Hope?

Never would I have thought

in those first weeks

that I could ever arrive at a place called hope

My soul has seemed stuck

for a long time

I'm free now

What a gift God has given me through the teachings

of this professor

and the shared community of those who journeyed

this course with me

Prose of Hope

God of quiet mystery

You hold me fast in Your Sovereign grip

Suffering's harsh winds once threatened to unmoor me...

the dismantling of my soul trailing my footsteps

This fighting quest--to reconcile God-forsakenness with

Emmanuel "God-with-us" proved futile--

until now--

The healing of the breach is not for today

Today I live and breathe

suspended

between the holy truth of who You are

and the inescapable reality of my broken, post-Eden dwelling

Strange though it sounds, there is a restful calm within this tension

a laying down of arms

a moving away from the battle zone

Though my soul lives unmended

I am at peace

I am free to invite others to journey suffering's mysterious way

Together we will learn what it means to walk this earth in the shadow of You--

my God of quiet mystery

"For now we see in a mirror dimly,

but then face to face;

now I know in part, but then I shall know fully

just as I also have been fully known."

1 Corinthians 13:12

Day 40 He is Risen!!!

"And he said to them, 

'Do not be amazed;

you are looking for Jesus the Nazarene,

who has been crucified.

He has risen;

He is not here;

behold, 

here is the place where they laid Him.'"

--Mark 16:6

He has risen!

And this changes everything...

my past

my present

my future

all gloriously

redeemed

made new

and clothed in hope

Hallelujah

He has risen!

   

Day 39

"The Son of Man goes as it is written of him,

but woe to that one by whom the Son of Man is betrayed!

It would have been better for that one

not to have been born."

Matthew 26:24

I find this day

uncomfortable

an eerie strangeness lingers

I feel myself just wanting to 

skip over 

Holy Saturday

and on to

Resurrection morning!

There is an emptiness to this day

as though He is not here

He is--

but symbolically

I seek to think as though

He's not

And to have actually lived through

that Holy Saturday

so many years ago

must have been

terribly lonely

and confusing

and frightening 

The disciples

the women

His mother

they would have been devoid

of the hope I have

that Sunday is coming!

 They would have had no reason to

make it to tomorrow's sunrise 

their heart's broken in sorrow

today

 

Day 38

 "The people stood by,

watching:

but the leaders scoffed at Jesus, saying,

'He saved others.

Let him save himself

if he is the Messiah of God,

the chosen one!'"

Luke 23:35

"If He is the Messiah of God..."

I am like them at times

the leaders 

scoffing at Jesus

I have been privy to His miraculous works

felt the touch of His gentle healing

known of gifts of new life He has given

Yet often it seems

He takes a back seat 

watches from a distance

acts so very

"unMessiah-like"

while

I

and others

wait for suffering's reprieve

We are caught

 in the present

overcome by life's onslought

desperate that the Father

"remove this cup"

and faint of heart when it comes to

"not what I will, but what You will." 

And so

when I cry

"I believe...help my unbelief!!!"

it comes from the deepest place in me--

 surrender in human frailty

Accept my offering of weakness

it pales 

in the face of Yours

 

 

Day 36

"They went to a place called Gethsemane;

and Jesus said to his disciples,

'Sit here while I pray.'

He took with him Peter and James and John,

and began to be distressed and agitated.

And he said to them,

I am deeply grieved,

even to death;

remain here and keep awake.'"

Mark 14:32-34

Jesus

I would like to think

that You would have asked me to come

and sit with you in anguished prayer

I would like to think

I would have rushed to your side

knelt beside you

prostrated my own body

on the cool earth

overcome with agony

with You

for You

I would like to think that 

my words would have been few if any

that my arms wrapped around You

would have said

what no words can 

I would like to think

that I would have stayed with You

through that long, dark horror-filled night

that I would have been willing

to just "be"

with You my Saviour Friend 

while You 

gave Yourself 

for me

I would like to think...

 

Day 35

 "When some were speaking about the temple,

how it was adorned with beautiful stones and gifts

dedicated to God,

Jesus said,

'As for these things that you see,

the days will come when not one stone

will be left upon another;

all will be thrown down."

Luke 21:5-6

You my God

are full of surprises

I take time for rest

with a timetable and plan for 

renewal

But You 

dismantle my ways

and pull me into You

to study

and pray

and listen

and wait.

I am still waiting--

for renewal,

new life

The surprise is that

"this is okay".

This speaking into my soul

that You are doing--

This active waiting that I am doing--

it's okay

I am where You want me to be

I want to stay

with You

Day 26

 "Will anyone rob God?

Yet you are robbing me!

But you say,

'How are we robbing you?'

In your tithes and offerings!

Bring the full tithe into the storehouse,

and thus put me to the test;

see if I will not open the windows of heaven for you

and pour down for you an overflowing blessing,"

Malachi 3:8-10 (adapted from NRSV)

The gavel has come down and I am guilty

My words and actions don't line up

I say--

"I trust You God"

"You are my faithful Promise Keeper"

"You are a Fortress, Shelter, Deliverer"

"You are Sovereign, Wise and Good"

Yet I fail to leave my loved ones

in Your capable hands

I hold on, and fret and think I am somehow

responsible for their care

And now I am 

depleted

empty

weary

That You would open Your arms to me

in spite of my sin

is so overwhelmingly beautiful

It was never Your gavel that announced my guilt

It was mine

I wholly welcome  

Your gracious forgivenss

Can we begin again?

This will be my last blog post until
Monday March 26
God has called me to a
Sabbath Rest
from all things computer related

Day 25

 "Now I remind you,

brothers and sisters,

of the good news that I proclaimed

and you received,

in which you also stand

and through which

you continue to be saved."

1 Corinthians 15:1,2 (Adapted)

May I rest

quiet in Your presence

these coming days

Shhh

my daughter 

let me drape you with

stillness

teach you to

just "be"

love you 

within your limits

out of my

limitlessness

Hush

May I rest

quiet in Your presence

even now