Hand Held Memories

Today marks 42 years since my Mother was so quickly taken from my life.  It strikes me that regardless of the time that has passed, her place in my life, though not a physical presence, remains sacred.  Perhaps it is because I have virtually no memories of our mother/daughter relationship and must rely solely on pictures and stories shared, that she holds such a cherished place in my heart.  Pictures give me glimpses of her personality.. her loving touch has she cradles me as a baby...her head thrown back in laughter...her gentle, warm smile.  And this picture I love.  It is enlarged and framed here in my home.  She had written at the top of the photograph..."Fishing 1969"  I am sitting next to my mother, perhaps a little squeamish with the whole fish thing, but she is right there alongside of me, helping... smiling.  My sister Chris seems much braver with her fish, which would be an accurate picture of our personalities.  It was the following year that she died.


This past February her older sister, my aunt died.   Aunt Edna was a very special woman and was someone who helped to "connect"me with my Mother.  She shared her memories and was a special support and encouragement as I grieved my mother's death as a grown adult.   I discovered a few weeks ago, that some of the tangible memories of my Mom that she had been given, her daughter, was now giving  to my brother, sister and I to choose from.  I chose this purse.  It finally made it into my hands a couple of days ago, and oh, the emotions that surfaced.  To be touching again, something else that was once my mother's was beautiful.  I opened it and inhaled deeply searching for a remnant of her scent.  And though it was only the aroma of a purse....it was her purse.  Her hands touched it, carried it, filled it with needed items.  And now it is my hands.  Such a timely gift for this day of remembrance.

Today marks both sorrow and joy.  This afternoon Ashley and I will join Sonya, her Mom and sister and go dress shopping for the wedding!!  What fun we will share together...trying dresses on...parading around for each other...laughing, talking, sharing a meal out together and building our relationships.  There is invariably a  sadness in me that my Mother is unable to be a part of my son getting married, meeting my future daughter-in-law, or able to watch my own daughter be bridesmaid for the first time.  But I know she would celebrate with us and would want me to fully enjoy these motherhood blessings that she never had the opportunity to.

"So I will remember you today Mom, with love and peace, and yes...a quiet ache for you.  But I will also celebrate the gifts that my mothering heart is able to enjoy.  Perhaps you will even be "joining" us in our laughter and fun later this afternoon.  
 Missing you and always loving you,
Your daughter, 
Juanita"

A Symbol of His Love

I am quite "needy" these days.  It's not something I'm proud of, or happy about, but I decided to call it what it is.  Why pretend that all is in order in my soul, when truthfully it's not?

I shared in another post recently about all the changes in our family.  And yes, I'm not big on change, but there is so very much that is good and joyous and exciting about what is unfolding.  And I genuinely acknowledge how blessed I am in the midst of this season in my life.

But I have had to be nakedly honest with myself and God about this place in my soul that is struggling.  And quite honestly, it has taken me completely by surprise.  I was filled to the full with joy with Cam and Sonya's engagement.  This, itself, was not even a surprise....we knew what was being planned.  Yet when the news became public it seemed so surreal.  I suppose I feel as though there is a part of my soul that hasn't caught up with reality.  The launching process that began in September is going way over the speed limit and my soul is careening around these crazy curves and having to climb steep hills.  I don't want to turn back the hands of time...not at all!!!  The anticipation of the wedding plans that we are just getting into, is fun and exciting beyond words.  But somehow, in between those two worlds this Mama is sad and afraid and lonely and confused and...

Needy.

I feel like I am losing my son.

Please hear me on this.  Cam has done NOTHING wrong in any way, shape or form for these feelings to have surfaced.  It's all me.  (And it's all normal, I am starting to hear as well)  A wealth of insecurities have arisen sparking questions and thoughts that have very little truth in them.

I wonder if Cam needs me anymore?.


His life has been changing so much the past 8 months and maybe the closeness we once shared is not important to him anymore.


He's too busy for me.


Who am I in his life?


I really, really miss him.

You see what I mean?   Most of those statements have "NEEDY" written all over them.  Now there are ounces of truth here and there.  Cam has been crazy busy....he has had a truckload of changes since September.  The decisions he has made and some of the pressures have been insurmountable for him and I soooooo get that!  And there is nothing wrong with missing my son.   But that is about the extent of truth in those statements.

I literally have times where I am pining away longing for his affirmation and just wanting some time alone with my son.

The other night as I tossed and turned with these churning thoughts, God very clearly broke in and turned my attention to Him.  He's been doing this a lot lately.  It was as though He said, "I'm here.  I will spend time with you.  I will give you all the affirmation you need.  Remember that My Son loves you perfectly."  

And then the scripture started flowing.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love.  Therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
Jeremiah 31:3


"For the Father Himself loves you." John 16:27


"And may the Lord direct your heart into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ." 2 Thess. 3:5  (My verse for 2012)

"...abide in My love."  John 15:9

Such a beautiful covering of love it was that God placed over me as I drifted off to sleep.

The next day I went in search of a symbol that would remind me of Who I am to turn to in this season of change and upheaval in my soul.  I chose this ring.

Why?  Because the unending circle is first and foremost a reminder of God's everlasting love...that first verse He brought to my mind the night before.  Secondly, the leaves signify Christ as the Vine and myself as one of the branches.  Oh how I need to be always attached to Him...to abide with Him...stay... remain... in His presence.

As much as I dislike feeling needy, I know that Christ welcomes my neediness with open, loving, merciful arms.  He loves that I need Him so desperately.  He longs to fill this part in my Mama's soul that is feeling empty right  now.

And I am so comforted and secure when I rest in who He is and the sufficiency of His love for me.

Now if only I can remember to breathe:)

Living Just a Little

You know those people who live out of their comfort zone on a regular basis...
who are always saying, "come on...live a little"...
 who enjoy taking risks,
 love letting their hair down(so to speak)
 and who just seem to relish in the unpredictability of life???

Well I'm not one of those people!!!

I am not only grounded...I'm virtually cemented in routine and order and writing within the lines.

Except for today.

Today held one of those rare moments where I just sort of put that all aside and stepped out of "me" and did something I don't think I've ever done.

Now before you pass out from holding your breath, wondering what this incredible death defying act I put myself into was, remember this is Juanita talking. This was a "Juanita-size-live-a-little".

Some minor background information....on Saturday I was out looking for mother-of-the-groom attire.  I don't know colors or Sonya's thoughts as of yet, I was merely having fun and desiring to see what is out there in terms of style and color and price.  I perused a handful of ladies stores just taking it all in.  Today however, I went to a rather high-end fashion boutique.  I've been to this place a handful of times over the past 21 years.  In fact, it's where I purchased my wedding dress.  (It's quite a bit more upscale now...trust me)

Anyway, I haven't walked through the doors for several years,but today, just like in past visits, I immediately remember why.  It's sooooooo out of my league!  This thought always hits me the moment I step foot inside, but I always feel like I must take the obligatory 60 second walk-around before quietly exiting. 

But today I stayed.

Why?  I have no idea!!!  It just sort of...happened.

A sales clerk approached me and asked me what I was looking for, and I actually told her!!!  Usually I say..."Oh...I'm fine thanks...just looking."  But no, today I started to play my little charade of being genuinely interested.  She escorted me up this grand staircase to the area where all of the "mother of the bride/groom" dresses were.  Gorgeous, rich, lavish attire.  Initially she led me to a lovely silk two-piece.  It was at this moment that she inquired if I had a price range in mind.  I calmly replied that we hadn't discussed that yet.  When she told me the dress I was looking at was $875 I just smiled.  Immediately I knew that was NOT in my price range!!!  She moved on over to a beautiful 3 piece chiffon in cream...I loved it...all $675 worth!!!!
As she moved on to show me another dress, I explained to her that I really wanted something with a skirt/jacket as I needed to have something to clip my insulin pump to.  Did I really need to give her that information???!!!

She proceeded to explain all about custom ordering and fitting and altering a dress to a skirt and the time frame required for all of this.  I listened intently while she explained the most chosen colors these days...black and navy with navy being "the new black".  Who knew??!!!

She asked some more questions and I proceeded to thank her and make my way to the exit when she asked if I would like her business card.  By then, I truly felt like I was past the point of no return.  I mean what am I going to say, "Actually, there is no way on this planet that I will be back to custom order ANYTHING...in fact...do you know that the jeans I'm wearing are from a second hand store??!!!!

So I said, "Sure."  And she proceeded to write out the hours she worked and her day off so that when I returned with the bride and her Mom and bridesmaids, she would be able to service us.  Wait 'til I tell Sonya :)

I walked out to my vehicle smiling.  I still smile...every time I look at my desk and see her business card lying there.  It was like I had played an adult's version of pretend.  No harm.  Just some simple fun enjoying a tour of a fashion world that I don't live in.

It felt good to just live a little.

Choosing How to Pray

We are winding down in the reading of our study book, "He Loves Me!" by Wayne Jacobsen.  The women who make up our small group will gather in my home this Thursday to share the perusing their hearts have done as we have come to the last two of  three chapters.  The chapter I read this morning grabbed the places in my heart where so much is unsettled.

The author was offering me/us a powerful lesson Jesus taught His disciples about prayer.  Do you remember this prayer?

"What shall I say?  'Father, save me from this hour?'"

I gravitate towards this kind of prayer.  These are the words, in one form or another that I often send up to heaven, either on my own behalf or someone else's.  Do we not just naturally long to be saved from THIS hour???? And you can fill in what your THIS is. 

Wayne continues his teaching.

"His disciples understood that prayer well enough, but Jesus wanted them to learn a better way.  Even when it was his life at stake, Jesus was tuned to a better frequency.  'No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.'  What he wanted personally wasn't in the picture.  He was focused elsewhere--on the purpose that transcended his personal happiness.

Then he prayed the prayer he wanted them to hear:  'Father, glorify your name.' (John 12:27)

In this brief exchange you learn everything you will need to know about prayer and what it means to follow God in this life.  For in every situation you'll ever encounter, you will be offered two options in prayer:  'Father, save me,' or 'Father, glorify Your name!'  One will lead you to frustration and disillusionment, the other to the greatest wonders in God's heart."

After reading this chapter, I looked at my prayer list and noticed how often I ask my Father to save me or someone else from THIS HOUR.  And then I did something radical.  I began to pray the other prayer as I brought my friends and family to God's throne room.   

"Father, glorify Your name!"

This is not an easy way to pray.  It leaves God wide open to weave His higher ways into the confusing, heartbreaking, taxing situations of those I love...of me.

The truth is that I need this prayer for my own life.  As I said earlier, there are places in my heart where so much is unsettled.  And I suppose I have been trying to figure a way out of the confusion and struggle and sadness, wanting God to save me from THIS HOUR.   But this is not God's way!!!  Instead, He calls me to choose to pray beyond the "escape route prayer" and to surrender to that which will glorify the Father. 

 "Father, glorify Your name!"

 

 

Wonderful, Merciful Saviour

 Wonderful, merciful Saviour
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would've thought that a Lamb could
Rescue the souls of men
Oh, You rescue the souls of men


Counselor, Comforter, Keeper
Spirit we long to embrace
You offer hope when our hearts have
Hopelessly lost our way
Oh, we've hopelessly lost the way


You are the One that we praise
You are the One we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for


Almighty, infinite Father
Faithfully loving Your own
Here in our weakness You find us
Falling before Your throne
Oh, we're falling before Your throne


--Selah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQzrqmcwg8o

Timeless

Oh there is so much that is changing in my life...the life of our family right now.

Cam is getting married and Ashley just landed her first job as a hostess at a nearby restaurant.  She begins tonight at 5:00 with frayed nerves fully intact!!

And Mama here is recognizing that her psyche is still playing catch- up and her soul is doing major flip flops. 

Change.  I don't believe change can ever be neutral, but it is often bittersweet. 

The excitement is palpable in our home at times.  I could not be happier for Cam or more grateful for the woman of God that he has been blessed with.  I admire and marvel the quiet, God-honoring relationship they have grown together with Him as their foundation.  I relish answering the phone with, "Mother of the groom speaking." :) I feel rich standing with our arms around each other...my future daughter-in-law and I.  This is a beautiful season of my life and I am loving it.

But truthfully, I am still not accustomed to even having had my son leave home and head off to university, let alone this next journey of life.  I look at my firstborn and remember that delivery room where we welcomed a lungs-filled-with-life-breath son.  His entrance into our lives has changed us forever.  But he is a man now and I am caught between the then and the now not always knowing who I am in the middle of all of this. 

The next four suppers/evenings, Ashley will be gone to work and Brian and I home alone.  Trust me...we have NO problem being alone:)  We will enjoy this additional time of cultivating our relationship and of course talking freely about this season we are finding ourselves in. 

Still, it will be different, quieter... another change.  Not good or bad, but not neutral either.  Bittersweet is the word I continue to return to.  I can already hear my girl when she gets her first paycheck..."I love my job!!!" :) And by then the jitters will be gone and she will know the ropes and be spouting confidence.  Another step towards independence and increasing responsibility will be hers and those are all very good things.  She even wants me to purchase a purse calender so she can keep track of her work schedule.  I've been trying to persuade her to use a calender for YEARS!

And I take another small step back as her life expands with this new pathway.

Change.

"Selah" sings a song entitled "Timeless".  I have been listening to it the past few weeks, and today it just seemed to become my heart's melody.  Despite the emotional ride I am on...there is One who never changes.  He is Timeless.  He has been my security, the calming Presence, the One who keeps me grounded. 

"Timeless"

Time, it's changing me
It's hard to see who I am
Touched, I'm touched by many things
So many things I don't understand

But seasons pass and I discover 
Above all this there's another
Helping me to hold on to what 
is timesless

So the autumn can color me gold
And the winter can dress me 
in snow
But it's You I see,
the timeless part of me
In the springtime I'm young
once again
In the summer I dance on
the wind
But it's You I see,
the timeless part of me

Change, whether it's good or bad
You know I'm glad You're in
control
Oh Lord, if I don't understand
I know Your hand will shield my soul

Seasons pass and I discover
Above all else there's another
Helping me to hold on to what is timeless.
--Selah

"Going to the Chapel and They're Gonna Get Married!!!"

Cam and Sonya

Engaged:  Sunday March 25, 2012

Wedding:  Saturday July 14, 2012

"Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe."  1 Timothy 4:12

"This is my beloved and this is my friend."  Song of Solomon 5:16

With our deepest love, joy, support and blessings on your life together....Dad and Mom

Word of God Speak

Last Sunday we ended our service singing "Word of God Speak" by Mercy Me.  I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it years ago and always I am transported to holy ground.
 http://youtu.be/JTY-UKgLlXs

The sacred power of God's Word is equally quieting my soul and awakening it.  I can't pinpoint any one reason, as He seems to have orchestrated various people and events to draw me to the life-giving power of His Word.  I am both calmed and challenged by the voice of God.

This week I began a journey through the Bible guided by the book by Dr. Larry Crabb, entitled, "66 Love Letters--A Conversation With God that Invites You Into His Story".  Dr. Crabb essentially writes his own summary of each of the 66 books of the Bible.  And although His words are deeply moving in and of themselves, I know that the actual reading of each of the biblical books is paramount to a fuller understanding.  I have chosen the Message translation to keep me awake through some of the less enticing trails of God and His people.   ( "Just be'in honest God."  )

I am probably almost halfway through Genesis and I hear God calling me to trust.

I would rather not compare myself to Abram/Abraham in some of his failures in faith, and yet at other times in His life when He is a faith-giant, I know I would fall short.  I "marvel" at his inconsistency.  The same man of whom God asks to pack up his entire family and move...and says "Yes God", is the same man who later lies about his wife being his sister to save his own neck.  Come to think of it, he seems to have issues with lying about his wife and the whole sister thing.  He just can't seem to trust God to protect Him when push comes to shove.  Pages later I watch as he lays it all on the altar.  Literally.  His lifeblood...an entire generation promised by God, and He is fully prepared to sacrifice it all.

One day He trusts God and the next day he waffles.

Just like me.

There is a heap of life to trust God with right now for me.  And that doesn't mean its all burdensome.  Not at all.  But it does all grab my soul at every place imaginable and I can either worry or lament or control or question or...trust.

Trust.

God is calling me to trust.  In the words of Larry Crabb, God says, "I am worthy of your trust no matter what happens in your life.  I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion.  You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."

And so I live in that tension.

"Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see 
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak. 




 

Sunday Sunrise

"No longer will you have the sun for light by day,
Nor for brightness will the moon give you light;
But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light,
And your God for your glory.
Your sun will set no more,
Neither will your moon wane,
For you will have the Lord for an everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning will be finished.
Then all your people will be righteous;
They will possess the land forever,
The branch of My planting,
The work of My hands,
That I may be glorified.
The smallest one will become a clan,
And the least one a mighty nation.
I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time."
--Isaiah 60:19-22

Saturday Sunrise...Somewhere

"O Lord, our Lord,
How majestic is Thy name in all the earth..."
--Psalms 8:1

Friday Sunrise

 

For the Lord God is a sun and shield:

The Lord gives grace and glory;

No good thing does He withhold from those

who walk uprightly.

--Psalms 84:11