I shared in another post recently about all the changes in our family. And yes, I'm not big on change, but there is so very much that is good and joyous and exciting about what is unfolding. And I genuinely acknowledge how blessed I am in the midst of this season in my life.
But I have had to be nakedly honest with myself and God about this place in my soul that is struggling. And quite honestly, it has taken me completely by surprise. I was filled to the full with joy with Cam and Sonya's engagement. This, itself, was not even a surprise....we knew what was being planned. Yet when the news became public it seemed so surreal. I suppose I feel as though there is a part of my soul that hasn't caught up with reality. The launching process that began in September is going way over the speed limit and my soul is careening around these crazy curves and having to climb steep hills. I don't want to turn back the hands of time...not at all!!! The anticipation of the wedding plans that we are just getting into, is fun and exciting beyond words. But somehow, in between those two worlds this Mama is sad and afraid and lonely and confused and...
Needy.
I feel like I am losing my son.
Please hear me on this. Cam has done NOTHING wrong in any way, shape or form for these feelings to have surfaced. It's all me. (And it's all normal, I am starting to hear as well) A wealth of insecurities have arisen sparking questions and thoughts that have very little truth in them.
I wonder if Cam needs me anymore?.
His life has been changing so much the past 8 months and maybe the closeness we once shared is not important to him anymore.
He's too busy for me.
Who am I in his life?
I really, really miss him.
You see what I mean? Most of those statements have "NEEDY" written all over them. Now there are ounces of truth here and there. Cam has been crazy busy....he has had a truckload of changes since September. The decisions he has made and some of the pressures have been insurmountable for him and I soooooo get that! And there is nothing wrong with missing my son. But that is about the extent of truth in those statements.
I literally have times where I am pining away longing for his affirmation and just wanting some time alone with my son.
The other night as I tossed and turned with these churning thoughts, God very clearly broke in and turned my attention to Him. He's been doing this a lot lately. It was as though He said, "I'm here. I will spend time with you. I will give you all the affirmation you need. Remember that My Son loves you perfectly."
And then the scripture started flowing.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
Jeremiah 31:3
"For the Father Himself loves you." John 16:27
"And may the Lord direct your heart into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ." 2 Thess. 3:5 (My verse for 2012)
"...abide in My love." John 15:9
Such a beautiful covering of love it was that God placed over me as I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I went in search of a symbol that would remind me of Who I am to turn to in this season of change and upheaval in my soul. I chose this ring.
Why? Because the unending circle is first and foremost a reminder of God's everlasting love...that first verse He brought to my mind the night before. Secondly, the leaves signify Christ as the Vine and myself as one of the branches. Oh how I need to be always attached to Him...to abide with Him...stay... remain... in His presence.
As much as I dislike feeling needy, I know that Christ welcomes my neediness with open, loving, merciful arms. He loves that I need Him so desperately. He longs to fill this part in my Mama's soul that is feeling empty right now.
And I am so comforted and secure when I rest in who He is and the sufficiency of His love for me.
Now if only I can remember to breathe:)
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