Hand Held Memories

Today marks 42 years since my Mother was so quickly taken from my life.  It strikes me that regardless of the time that has passed, her place in my life, though not a physical presence, remains sacred.  Perhaps it is because I have virtually no memories of our mother/daughter relationship and must rely solely on pictures and stories shared, that she holds such a cherished place in my heart.  Pictures give me glimpses of her personality.. her loving touch has she cradles me as a baby...her head thrown back in laughter...her gentle, warm smile.  And this picture I love.  It is enlarged and framed here in my home.  She had written at the top of the photograph..."Fishing 1969"  I am sitting next to my mother, perhaps a little squeamish with the whole fish thing, but she is right there alongside of me, helping... smiling.  My sister Chris seems much braver with her fish, which would be an accurate picture of our personalities.  It was the following year that she died.


This past February her older sister, my aunt died.   Aunt Edna was a very special woman and was someone who helped to "connect"me with my Mother.  She shared her memories and was a special support and encouragement as I grieved my mother's death as a grown adult.   I discovered a few weeks ago, that some of the tangible memories of my Mom that she had been given, her daughter, was now giving  to my brother, sister and I to choose from.  I chose this purse.  It finally made it into my hands a couple of days ago, and oh, the emotions that surfaced.  To be touching again, something else that was once my mother's was beautiful.  I opened it and inhaled deeply searching for a remnant of her scent.  And though it was only the aroma of a purse....it was her purse.  Her hands touched it, carried it, filled it with needed items.  And now it is my hands.  Such a timely gift for this day of remembrance.

Today marks both sorrow and joy.  This afternoon Ashley and I will join Sonya, her Mom and sister and go dress shopping for the wedding!!  What fun we will share together...trying dresses on...parading around for each other...laughing, talking, sharing a meal out together and building our relationships.  There is invariably a  sadness in me that my Mother is unable to be a part of my son getting married, meeting my future daughter-in-law, or able to watch my own daughter be bridesmaid for the first time.  But I know she would celebrate with us and would want me to fully enjoy these motherhood blessings that she never had the opportunity to.

"So I will remember you today Mom, with love and peace, and yes...a quiet ache for you.  But I will also celebrate the gifts that my mothering heart is able to enjoy.  Perhaps you will even be "joining" us in our laughter and fun later this afternoon.  
 Missing you and always loving you,
Your daughter, 
Juanita"