The Miles Between Us

Written Monday July 16 2018

I thought it would be routine this time around.  It's just shy of three years since she moved cross country and I felt SURE we were mastering this "together", then "apart" seesaw.  But this time has felt new for me again.  The week before she arrived I fought this overwhelming fear of our goodbye.  Yes I know it's absurd!  The cart-before-the-horse-scenario-but like I said--I was fighting it. 

We both share the same love of the anticipation.  We know the time will seem fleeting and so we rather enjoy the count down of sleeps and excitement which precedes the homecoming.  In the past there has often been this inner frenzy to then suck the marrow of life out of every moment.  I was more at peace this time, allowing the moments to unfold as they did.  I think it helped that I had spent five gloriously selfish days alone with my girl in May and so I was more free to share her with her besties. 

There are some given, shared factors to this" together" and "apart" dance which we live.

1.  It will never be long enough.  Whether it's three weeks or ten days, we will always want "just one more day."

2.  The everyday stresses of life are always blown out of proportion.  Because our time is limited it feels so out of place to have something go wrong.  Even hormones, computer glitches and line-ups.

3.  The length of homecoming hugs and farewell hugs are the same.  Even the depth of emotion is equal.  Yet they are polar opposites without words to describe.

4.  We always overthink everything.  Always.  Everything.  We over analyze, overthink, over-feel, and talk about it all in one gloriously long 10 day run-on sentence.  It's exhausting and freeing and crazy and us.

**Her plane landed safely in her other home city six hours ago.  She was sad to leave and excited to return.  I've laundered the sheets and tidied her room and though I will have other guests before Christmas, it really is awaiting her next homecoming.

Thursday October 4, 2018

Tomorrow marks the start of Thanksgiving Weekend.  I'm eager to spend time with Cam and Sonya and Brian's family.  We haven't seen Cam and Sonya for a few weeks and so I am missing our face to face conversations and hugs.  I love just having them in the room, listening to them interact with others.  Though this is the third Thanksgiving Ashley won't be home it almost feels like the first.  Why is it that this year is upping the ante on missing my girl???  One half of my heart says "she should be home".  And the other half is still fully convinced that "she shouldn't be"! 

A part of me wonders if the landing of her first "big girl job" this past spring is settling into my psyche.  Because SHE is settling in more and more to a home across the country.  Another factor may be that about a year ago she starting talking more and more about returning "home".  And though I wasn't getting my hopes up, it was something I listened to her talk about often.  Until about four months ago when everything changed.  Quite honestly, I'm celebrating the "everything changed" nature of her life.  There is so much good which has unfolded for her.   Except that now I think I've returned to a stronger reality of this ongoing "together" and "apart" dance. 

So Thanksgiving is almost here and we will be in the part of the dance that is "apart."  And yes, I'm sad.  Sad that we can't be together as a family...sad that she and I can't be together and just lounge on the sofa and talk...face to face. 

But this is our reality.  This is our "now."  It might not be our "always" but is is our "now."

I will miss her this weekend.  I will miss a full-on-hug that squishes us both.  I will miss her perfectly prepared bedroom being messy in less than 30 minutes.  I will miss her using the counter as the drop zone for her keys and purse and phone. I will miss her offering to get her own breakfast but being not -so-secretly-delighted that her Mama wants to.  I will miss her lounging in bed with her hair up in a pony asking for just "five more minutes" til she crawls out from the covers and I get another hug. I will just plain miss her.

She will miss me too...she will miss family and everyone being together.  She really misses family, especially at "family" times.  We will text and talk on the phone and hopefully Skype because we are blessed by this part of technology.  I will move through the weekend one day at a time, enjoying moments, and missing ones that aren't being shared.  And then before I know it, Thanksgiving will be a memory and I will have come through still intact, soon to begin the Christmas homecoming countdown.

Because this is how I walk the miles between us.

Dear Fall

Welcome dear fall

You glow with the harvest of spring’s planting

You let me linger a little longer in summer’s heat

yet link me to winter’s edge

with a sweater on my shoulders

I feast on earth’s bounty

experience the fresh breath of beginnings

indulge in the blazing colors of autumn’s landscape

You are a cherished season

until I slip into the next

For all of you,

spring, summer, fall and winter

capture a beauty all your own

Today it’s you

dear autumn

I welcome you.

Saturate me with your goodness

as I dance with gratitude

in your splendor.

August 31/14

A Glimpse of God

From July 29, 1998

"I caught a glimpse of God this evening.
Watched enthralled
as He created a sunset in all of its glory and splendor.
Mountains of white cottony clouds
parted,
as if on cue,
making way for brilliant rays of sun.
Colors, light and textures seemingly working together
in this captivating drama unfolding before my eyes.
When I was sure its beauty had reached a climax,
the scene altered yet again to reveal a script of
near endless glory.
'There is no God!!??'
Such irony...
I had front row seating in His audience tonight."

Never Wasted

From an old journal--February 8, 1997

Her big brown eyes beckon me
Her sweet tiny voice pleads with me,
"Mommy read...book...lap."
My to-do list is endless
I don't have time for this, I think.
But how can I refuse her?
And so we sit down on the couch,
her petite frame nestled into my lap
and we read...

Daily I hear another voice,
gently, persistently, calling me...
"Child of Mine...read...
read My Book...
Come sit with Me for awhile."
My to-do list is still incomplete,
but how can I refuse Him;
He's my Father.
And so I pick up His book,
sit at His feet
and read
of the One who loves me, cares for me
and spurs me on through the dailyness
of my life.
It's time never wasted.

Holy Matrimony

Holy Matrimony.  It's what comes to mind as my son and daughter-in-law celebrate their 6th wedding anniversary.

Funk & Wagnall's Standard College Dictionary defines Holy various ways --"completely devoted to the service of God...designated or set apart for religious worship or observance..."

Jack Wellman explains Matrimony in these words--"The word itself is from the Old French word “matremoine” which comes directly from the Latin word “matrimonium” and means “wedlock” or “marriage.” It has the idea of being locked together on a permanent basis..."

When I think of Cam and Sonya I overwhelmingly think of two people "locked together" and within that wedlock, springs forth a wholly setting themselves apart for the worship of God. This is not a Mama boasting, it's simply what I see.

I watch how they love each other, care for, and serve one another.  I watch how they intertwine so many part of their lives.  I observe their careful respect for the other and the ways in which they live out honor.  I am captivated not only by their oneness and the giving of themselves to each other in this oneness but also by their individuality and how they call forth the strength and creativity of the other...and bless it.  Such richness.  And I suppose if this was where Holy Matrimony was contained; within the union of this man and woman, then this in itself would be a testimony.  But their wedlock is indeed holy as I watch them drench others by their oneness.  I marvel at the ways in which they partner to worship God.  Every part of their lives is an act of worship.  And if it means taking in someone in crisis until the right care is available, they open their arms in welcome.  If it means getting involved in a messy situation, they pull up their sleeves and walk in.  If it means setting aside and  hosting a weekend in their home to read the Torah, they send out invitations.

It was almost seven years ago that they met and I knew very early on that their relationship would pull out all the stops on uniqueness.  I've watched them grow and learn not only about themselves as a couple but about what it means to live a life of worship as a couple.  It's breathtakingly beautiful.  Truly.

And so today, on their their sixth wedding anniversary, I pray a blessing of these two loves of mine--

Dearest Cam and Sonya

May your deep love for one another 

grow ever deeper in ways you can't imagine

May you continue to take great care in welcoming Jesus

to shelter your union

May He be your constant Guide

in your life of worship

And may the beauty of this Holy Matrimony He designed

be a brilliant light in a dark world.

Amen

Joyous Blessings,

Love, Mom

She's 23 Today...

She's my sand-on-the-beach-ocean
cross-country-adventurer
happy-place-mountain-hiker-girl

she's my brave-beyond-words
and
crafter of beautiful words

my pick-yourself-up-off-the-floor-and-keep-pressing-on-
never-give-up-
stronger-than-you-know-
warrior-girl

she's my pizza lover
bed-is-my-friend
glass-of-wine-and-good-book
Grey's-watcher
music-lover
never-stop-thinking
self aware
heart aware
sometimes-too-aware
girl

my all grown up
auburn hair beauty
23 today
but forever
and always
my sweet pea
baby girl.

Love you to the moon and back!
Mama

Seasons

Sporadic and with lengthy pauses in between has seemed the nature of blogging for me these past months.  Yet the outpouring of "life" has never ceased.  Why, after all these years of living on our post-Eden planet do I have this expectation that a calm could actually permeate the spilling out of life???   I was a teenager when Randy Stonehill was belting out the words, "Stop the world I wanna get off."  His words seem prophetic today.

I am well in body and spirit, generally speaking and gratefully expressing, yet many around me are not and as one who has a tendency to carry burdens, I too often find myself weighed down.  The "Drafts" section of my brain is over flowing with words and laments and unfolding dramas but also with breathtaking pictures and joys and hope.  My thoughts however; feel scattered, jumbled and unable to compose something cohesive.  There's too much.  It's too diverse.  Blessings and curses.  Beautiful and horrifying.  What words can capture it all?  Where would I begin?

Shall I highlight the January escape my hubby and I took to Costa Rica...

its warmth and the spirit-strengthening crash of the ocean waves...
the times I spent in the sand while wave after pounding wave
moved me
and
let me laugh like a care-free little girl...

the wonder of waking each morning to "another day in Paradise",  

massages by the ocean and 

endless amounts of rest and togetherness?

Do I list the snail pace progress of my inspiring friend 

9 months post concussion...

the one whose life came crashing down around her 

when her head hit the floor...

the one who counts her blessings and 

has a new gratitude for rain, fog and clouds 

because then her head doesn't hurt so much?

Do I share the joy of baking cookies 

in my daughter's cross-the-country kitchen this past May

 or divulge the heartbreak of her flowing tears 

as we sat on the sandy beach? 

 Can I show you the dancing of my heart 

and the deepest of "eucharisteo", 

this giving of overwhelming thanks 

because after so many years the mental and emotional roller-coaster of health
she's endured

has finally, 

sigh, 

finally, 

stopped

for her...
we pray.

Do I detail my husband's two week tour of the Holy Land...

how he tried to walk on water

but couldn't:)

How the city of Petra rocked his world

and the Mount of the Beatitudes enabled him 

to see Jesus...

how he will never read the Bible the same way again

because he was there

where Jesus

walked.

Do I inform you of the bittersweet changes in my faith community...

how my beloved pastor and friend "retired"

in a manner of speaking,

and how our wonderfully gifted Associate pastor

stepped into her own size of Senior Pastor shoes?

Shall I post of the ways this bitter and sweet collide over and over

again in my psyche...

how I am embracing the new and

missing the former

simultaneously?

Would you like to peak into Sonya's month long stay in Ecuador
being an "unofficial" wedding planner for her sister
and Cam's 3 bachelor weeks at home where he refinished
a curb-side desk for his beloved wife?
Or shall I highlight their shared time in the mountains of Ecuador,
when they eventually reunited,
adventuring with family and witnessing the "forever's" of
newly married couple?

Do you have the stomach to hear of the endless suffering path
of my dear warrior friend who has now been told--
Stage Four --Incurable?
Do you have time to listen to me recount our endless prayers
for pain relief,
for healing,
for a miracle?
Do you know something of the daily running into the power of God's
silence...
the mystifying mystery of
Sovereignty...
where all you have to hold out to Him is
open,
trembling hands...
of trust
that even in
this
He is still
good.

I could share with you the delights of time spent with my
walking partner and friend...
the way we greet each other with gratitude
for the haven of our friendship
and then walk and talk through our life struggles
on the trails behind our condo.
I could recount the painful realities of her life
caring for a husband
four years post stroke,
three years post autoimmune disease,
2 years post cancer.
I know...
enough already!
Yet she soldiers on...

There's more.
More people
more stories
more delights
more struggles
more pain...

I wrote all of this while lounging on a massive King size bed...
I know
there is only one size of a King bed!!
My husband and I were in the same luxury hotel
we spent the first two nights of our honeymoon
almost 27 years ago.
That we were blessed to return
  for an all expense paid two nights compliments of a
financial institution,
oh my!!!
I came crazy grateful for such a gift and
welcoming a rest.
My world seemed to slow...
at least enough for me to
"get of"f and
catch my breath.

Now back home I revisit my words
and notice
 in the writing of these thoughts
what they all have in common...
a theme that they collectively share...

Seasons...
the same seasons the writer of Ecclesiastes spoke of
in times past.
That life unspools in seasons of
"every activity"
is nothing new.

"For everything there is a season,
a time for ever activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This collage of life I have been a part of is a
 web of
seasons.
It will always be this way while on planet earth.
But I'm reminded that it's God who ordains the seasons
in His sovereignty.
And I will move through them more smoothly
when I remember this.

The Interweaving that is Mother's Day

It's been soooo long since I have posted and I very much miss putting words on a page.  Even in this moment, as much as I desire to share my thoughts, the generous amount of time that this would require is not available today.  But my longtime and dear friend and pastor Ruth Anne, has written so beautifully about the vast amount of interweaving that is Mother's Day.  Her words aptly describe the ways in which the bitter and the sweet, the fullness and the emptiness, the celebration and the sadness are interwoven throughout this set-apart day.

I feel such interweaving in my own life.

I am a motherless daughter, a step-daughter a Mama and a Mama-in-law.
Within my spirit I carry a great deal:
...a longing for my long-missed mother,
...a gratitude for a devoted stepmom,
...a "grace of God" healing for all that has unfolded in my life
...and a deep and full joy in being a Mama and Mama-in-law.
 It all intertwines.

How beautiful that someone has printed words which echo my own heart.

For all the Moms

The Joy of Lent

It was my Spiritual Director who introduced me to the Joy of Lent.  After I had shared with her my Lenten challenge to give up worry and fear and take on trust, she expressed her desire that I would still be able to enjoy Lent given the weightiness of what I had taken on.  I went home that afternoon wondering what it could mean to en"joy" this season of what I felt was to be a time of sombre reflection.  The following day she explained it as being able to  experience joy in Christ's sacrificial love for me.

It's not that I haven't been aware of my need for my Savior these past weeks, because I have.  But yesterday I failed overwhelmingly in my battle to give up worry and fear.  The previous two weeks I had gratefully been receiving some victory in this battle.  It had required much discipline on my part but it was exciting and hope-filled for me!  Friday morning it was as though I had neglected to put on my armor at the start of the day.  And as the day unfolded I became more and more entangled in worry and fear as various situations transpired.  It wasn't until evening that it hit me like a ton of bricks, "I haven't released any of this to God!!  What happened???"  How did I move through an entire day without  remembering that, "God's Got This!"?????

My journal entry this morning reads--

"I am ashamed and remorseful and disappointed in myself.  But now, this is the "Joy of Lent"-- to shed my sin in exchange for His garment of righteousness.  To leave behind the sin which so easily entangles me (worry and fear) and run with endurance the race set before me. (Hebrews 12:1)

It's the next verse which caught me--"We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.  (verse 2)  NLT

My journal continues--

"When I keep my eyes on Jesus, he is the one who initiates my faith and perfects it.  This is not my doing!!!  Oh how beautiful this is to me.  Thank you Jesus for this vital truth I often miss.  Too many times I think the measure of my faith is up to me when in fact, WHO I keep my eyes fixed on is what lies under my control.  But faith--this is Jesus' doing.

I would so much rather have reveled in the "Joy of Lent" through some other means.  I'm not sure this is fully possible.  Is it not in the despair and shame of sin that the beauty of the cross and the burden of Christ's sacrifice is experienced?  It's when my spirit is humbled and sin is forgiven that I experience anew this Joy!! 

I take this Joy with me on this Lenten path.

Lent--"God's Got This"

"A 

ruthless giving up of 

fear and worry

and a

relentless discipline

of taking on

trust"

There's no end to the variety of things I could give up for Lent and I have toyed with some of these things. But this past Sabbath when I began to seriously think about this aspect of Lent I was in a place of being overwhelmed again with the heavy "burdens" of some that I love.  I think I use the word burden to cover up the reality of worry as well as the heavy weight I carry that I MUST in some way relieve the pain.  And yes, God has called us to not only love and pray for those under trial as well as tangibly care.  This isn't hard for me to do.  There seems to be this river of compassion which is always flowing within but so often it floods me in ways which are are not healthy for me.

And so, while it may sound and seem simplistic or perhaps even impossible to give up something which comes to me quite naturally, I can attest that this will not be as easy as giving up chocolate!  Worry and fear are a part of my life and though God and I have been pushing back against this for countless years, it's still my default in the dailyness of life. 

I don't want it to be this way.  I waste so much energy worrying over things I have no control over and being afraid of  that which should not imprison me.  I so deeply desire to be constantly laying on Jesus my worries and fears instead of marinating myself in them.  I feel like this pattern has got to stop!  Jesus wants it to stop!  He longs for me to live in freedom and trust even more than I do!  It would be beautiful if I could default to trust, wouldn't it??  Oh my!!

Some of you may feel it's impossible to slay these ugly dragons.  For sure heaven is the place where shalom will perfectly blanket me, but if Jesus is really who He says He is, then He is able to change me, to grow me, to mold me more and more into His image.  I believe this.  And my part is laid out for me.  I use the words ruthless, relentless, discipline for a reason.  Because it's what it will require of me.  I'm weary enough of the drag-me-down way that worry and fear deplete me, that my motivation to do some serious battle is high.  

A friend of mine who is now with Jesus had a beautiful mantra throughout her cancer journey.  Despite the way in which her story was unfolding she would say with confidence--"God's got this".  The banner at the back of the church on the evening of her Celebration of Life shouted--"God's got this!"  And in her husband's closing words at the service he claimed--"God's got this".

I think of her mantra often, but I don't consistently live it.  I know that those words were not easy for her or her family to speak.  But believing "God's got this" and still experiencing a breathless agony of sadness are not the same.   So though I long to live with open hands to this God whom I worship, I will continue to honor the emotions He created me with which include sorrow.

It's time to step into enemy territory with the Trinity by my side.  It's time to "ruthlessly give up fear and worry and relentlessly discipline myself to take on trust".  

This year I am grateful to share this Lenten journey with a dear friend.   I feel  honored to take up this battle alongside of her. 

Together we will seek to ruthlessly give up worry and fear.
Together we will relentlessly discipline ourselves to take on trust. 
Together we will fight to believe that God's got this.

Amen...so be it! 

"Trust" 2018

"We know how much God loves us,

and we have put our trust in his love."

--1 John 4:16

The last number of years I have moved away from making resolutions for the upcoming year and towards finding a word that I believe God would desire that I emulate in the coming days.

The latter part of 2017 seemed full of crisis and suffering in the lives of some that I love.  I struggled to make sense of much that was unfolding.  My spirit was filled with empty answers to all of the "why's".  In the latter days of this past year the Spirit of God called me to a new place; a place of trust.  I have never been able to dwell in this place for very long.  I am so quickly driven off course by the ever changing circumstances of life.  I don't like this about myself.  I long for a deeper abiding faith; one which is not tossed around by what I or others are faced with.

When I read the above verse just days ago I knew immediately that trust was my word for the coming year and that this verse encapsulated the basis of such trust.  I paused to ask the question the verse was begging--"Do I trust His love?"  This truly is the crux of the matter for me.  Do I know how much God loves me and do I then trust in this love?  Because if I am unsure of His love, if there is any question in my mind of the vastness of His love, I will then find my trust weakened to this degree. 

I know the answer to the question.

I only trust His love to the degree that I can humanly measure it.  In other words, when God acts in a way that I feel is unloving, my trust disintegrates and I begin to doubt and question and fight against Him.  It's completely unfair to God. God is not the problem here but rather this god I worship called "control" is.  When life feels out of control, mine or otherwise, I move towards fear and away from trust.  I grasp to regain this pseudo control I think I have.

The last few months have found my spirit tired of the yoyo trust/fear cycle.  It's exhausting, discouraging and such a waste of my energy.  My heart's desire is to move into the coming year growing in trust.  And growing this deeper trust will only come through having His love be the bedrock of my faith.  If I truly believe that God loves me like crazy, that He is not holding out on me, then I will be free to trust Him and rest in His ways despite the hard that might unfold.

Last winter I spent every other Wednesday with a group of women, pouring over the scriptures together.  One line has remained engraved on my mind and was later creatively drawn on wood by my niece.  "Think well enough of Jesus to trust Him", challenges Dallas Willard.  These words hang in my hallway as a constant reminder of the growing that lies ahead of me.

The hard of the last few months will carry over into this new year. I am already feeling the heaviness. The life circumstances my friends are facing did not magically disappear as the calendar page turned.  What lies ahead for me personally is unknown.  But God still is.  He is my only place of stability, my only constant.  He will guide me into deeper places of trust as I invite Him into the coming days.