Who Am I?

Even as I sit to write in this moment, I find my mind as empty as the page before me.  Or perhaps it's that there is sooooo much that is swirling around that I can't quite slow it all down to put it into words.

A friend and fellow blogger was writing the other day about her silent pages over the past months, and her desire to change that has sort of tweaked my desire. 

It's not that my life is boring or devoid of anything exciting.  At least to me it's not that way!  On the contrary, these past months have been overflowing with change and wonder and joy.  One can't quite move a daughter to the other side of the country without life taking on a new face.  And maybe this is part of it.  Late spring and the entire summer seemed like a surreal kind of race to the finish line--the all encompassing move.  I never could get a grasp of the new reality that was ahead of me.  It seemed an impossibility for me to pursue a new way of living without my girl nearby.  But she's been gone now almost a month and reality is slowly sinking in yet not in the way I would have expected.  Her being gone and me being here seems so right and good.  Not that I don't miss her, because I do, but I know she's supposed to be where she is.  She has fallen in love with her new home, forged strong friendships already, and is living life with a sense of freedom and happiness and delight that she never has before.  She's thriving, and I have never seen her thrive!!!  I am over the top grateful for God's gracious favor to her.  How could I want her back here when "there" is so beautiful for her soul???!!!!

So where does that leave me?  I'm not totally sure...ha,ha.  It seems a contradiction to say that I am content with my life here and yet am not exactly sure of who I am at this point in time.  It's interesting how empty nesting has taken on a more succinct flavor with a few thousand miles between us.  Even though she hasn't lived at home for 2 years, she has lived in close proximity which mean a continued reliance on me in varying forms.  That option no longer exists.  I can't just run to bring her home for an appointment, or the night, or whatever.  The tangible nature of our relationship is close to nil and this gives to me a sense of freedom that is new and  yes, welcoming.  My mothering role has changed again and though I am not rebelling against this, I'm just not sure what it all means.  This morning I sat quietly with God asking Him this very question..."Who am I?"  And once all of the "noise" of my thoughts stilled I could hear Him say simply and clearly..."You are a daughter of God."  In Christian circles this is supposed to be a no brain er, but I find it's far too easy to attach titles and roles to ourselves and thus squelch our true, and only identity.  But this morning, that all seemed stripped away and I was "only" --"a daughter of God".  And I felt peace and contentment and a safety in these gentle words from Him.

It's all I need for today.

Only Him...

It's so not what I expected...not even close!

Four months ago when her acceptance came through to a university across the country I couldn't grasp the thought of letting her go.  And as the time sped by I was sure I would be close to the fetal position physically and emotionally by now. 

For twenty years I have poured my soul into this daughter of mine.  I have nurtured her and encouraged her and cheered her on.  I have given so much of myself to this uniquely and masterfully created human being.  My heart, I'm sure has scars from bearing the pain and heartache she has shared with me over the years.  I have walked alongside of her and loved her...to the moon and back and quite honestly miss her almost as soon as she walks out the door.  No part of me ever imagined living time zones apart!

And yet, my pouring into her was so that ultimately she could grow "away" from me.  Away from "needing" me to walk through life.  Away from needing me beyond what was healthy.  Away into a life of her own and into dreams and adventures and a place in life crafted just for her.

And now, with our goodbyes so close at hand, I am struck with amazement that I have a measure of calm and a spirit of excitement for all that lies ahead for her.  It's so not what I expected!!!  How could I possibly respond to a farewell that is so enormous with peace???!!!!

Only, if my heart is held and prepared by the One who knows me through and through.  

Only if I am seeking and pressing into the One who nurtures and encourages and cheers me on.  

Only if I and resting in "the God of angel armies who is always by my side".  

Only if I continue to run to Him who bids me, "Come to Me...."  for all that I need.

Only if I truly believe that "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

Only if I am convinced that my girl is safe within His strong arms.

Only this gracious, merciful God could possibly saturate me with His "peace beyond understanding" 

so that I can move through these last days with strength and grace.

"What shall I render to the LORD

for all of His benefits to me?"

Psalm 116:12 

Trust...Enjoy...

"Come to Me.
Come to Me with all of your hopes and dreams and fears for this next season of life.  Lay it all at My feet and leave it there.  Trust that My good is good for you also.  Trust in My transforming power for Ashley's life and your life.  Be at rest even now as this present season draws to a close.  Enjoy these full days of living in the in between.  I am still here.
Give robust thanks for the past two years.  It was My gift to both of you that you would live in close proximity.  Keep enjoying it!  Stretch out open hands to Me and trust My perfect giving to you and taking from you.  Breathe deeply of now.  Trust fully for then.  "Your times are in My hands."  Psalm 31:15
Come to Me.  Rest.  Trust.  Enjoy.  I am here.

Come to Me

"Come to Me.
Come to Me with the instability of your life.  It is always changing.  It was never my design for it to remain unchanged.  Rather, I have ordained a 'time for everything'--seasons.  Some of these seasons you will enjoy to the full and never wish for them to end.  Some you will struggle through and question...face insecurities and pain.  This is why your eyes need to be fixed on Me. I am your sure foundation.  You need to feast on My word daily and meditate on it throughout the hours.  I do not give you all the answers you would like to have, but I do give you what you need.  Trust that what you don't know is safely kept by Me for divine reasons--that which you could not understand.  Remember, I am God and you are not.
I love You with an everlasting love.
You are safe in Me and with Me."

Grace for Today

I remember those early days of her life, waking in the night to feed her.  She would invariably fall asleep and I would go about the task of trying to wake my Sweet Pea.  I would tickle her feet for starters but often resorted to undressing her down to her diaper.  The lack of warmth would soon find her eyes opening ready to drink a little more.  She was completely dependent on me.  I relished in the gift I had been given of nurturing and caring and loving this brand new person.

These are days of remembering.  My Sweet Pea turned 20 on Monday.  She's become a beautiful, young, increasingly independent young woman.  So much so that in less than two months, we will fly her across the country to begin her 3rd year in a new university.  And though the future is completely unknown, I have no expectations of her returning "home" to live.  I expect that she will make her own life and home in this new part of our country.  A big part of me even believes that she needs this.

It's been a long time since I was her sole nurturer.  It's been gradual, her growing independence and my letting go.  She hasn't even lived at home for the past two years.  And yet this gigantic move is another letting go, another opening of my arms to bless her and yes, to grow in excitement with her for this fresh horizon.

Did you hear that?  I AM growing in excitement with her.  She can hardly wait to get on that plane!!!  I have never seen her more confident and calm about a decision; and this one is life-changing!!  I am so very happy for her and the generous ways God is bringing this all to fruition.  But this doesn't mean there isn't a place of mourning in my heart.  This is my baby girl!!!   I shared with a friend recently of my roller-coaster emotions and she responded with the most beautiful, gentle, godly wisdom.

"Ah yes...Letting go...One moment we are training and preparing our children for all their lives, then we realize that we forgot to prepare our own hearts for this moment!  The best I can tell you is, the circumstances will change, but she will always be your little girl and you will always be her mama and you will never stop relating to each other in that way.  In a sense, it is somewhat like my cancer journey...I cannot see what lies ahead, nor do I have the grace now for what lies in future days, but God does give me the grace for today and this is the day in which I need and want to live.  I will ask God to give you today's grace and to enable you to live fully in each day He gives you, trusting that He will give you the grace for those days that lie ahead exactly when you need it."

Sigh.

I love her words for so many reasons.  First, they are heartfelt in that all three of her children live across the country.  She's seasoned in this.  Second, her cancer journey makes her words so powerful...this was no glib response.  And third, she has pointed me to God--El Shaddai--the All Sufficient One who pours forth nourishment--who provides moment by moment daily need.

Ecclesiastes speaks of "a time for everything".  I suppose my love for this passage stems from the ways in which I feel life's seasons so deeply.  Solomon's words allow me the freedom to speak of that which my heart is experiencing. 

God's grace for today.

God's grace for all the tomorrows.

A restful place.

A Dismantling

 "Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; boast about them!  Through them you are learning to depend more on Me, so that My Power may dwell in you."
Sarah Young  2 Cor. 12:0
 
My capacity for doing life seems to be decreasing more and more all the time.

For years now I have lamented my seeming inability to keep up with the Martha's of this world.  Having my plate full, my schedule brimming over and my days stretched would catapult me into a weeping, exhausted mess.  I know this; I seek to live with this in mind; I even accept it to a large degree, but only on the outside.  Within, I see it as my glaring weakness and I probably come close to despising this part of me more than I realize.  The LAST thing I would do is to BOAST about my limitations!!

Yet even within such limitations, I cling so tightly to what AM able to DO.  And though I know and long to have my identity solely in Christ, I live with it being firmly embedded in my "doing".  Which is why, I believe, that my capacity to fulfill some of these roles is waning.  I believe that God is slowly stripping away those things which I have always used to define me.  My spiritual director would call this "a dismantling of my earthly kingdom."  

It's a gentle and harsh dismantling.

I'm slowly being left emptier, yet fuller simultaneously.

Confusion is prevalent but so is clarity.

It's a snail-paced learning of dependence on Christ; of drawing my strength from Him; of being intertwined with Him.

Each time I come to this "place" it feels so discouragingly familiar.  God knows how often I have hit this wall!!  Yet my spiritual director reminds me that though it may feel the same, it's not.  It's a deeper layer each time,  "the issue is more finessed and the healing is deeper."  Her encouragement to "embrace the process--it is God's faithfulness to us", allows me the freedom to move forward at His pace.

And so here I stay and rest and listen.

Wheelchairs and Pride

When we first discovered we had the opportunity to fly to Nashville several months ago, I was thrilled with the prospect of some time away together in the land of country music...which I love!  Because this was half business for Brian, I would have some time to be part of a 5 hour tour of some of the highlights of this city of country.  As time moved on, the reality of how much I would be able to do, began stirring in the background of my mind.  My back pain and sciatica, of which I am understanding more of, is "complex" according to my physiotherapist.  The first time I saw my osteopath she said I should book an appt. each week for 3 weeks and then I could move to every other week, and farther and farther apart.  That was the end of January and I am still going weekly.  

I am not going to be able to do all that I had thought I could a few months ago.

Last week my hubby had one of his staff finalize our travel arrangements, which included booking a porter and wheelchair at both airports.  

And everything within me fought this feeling of dependency and embarrassment and onslaught on my pride.

A wheelchair???!!!  Really???!!!  

After all, I CAN walk.  I can walk around my home and go out and "run" errands and even do light housework now.  But the reality is, whether I'm standing or walking, I'm in pain and the longer I do either, the more intense it gets.  So to think that I can actually stand in a long line, or walk through an airport is out of the question.  I know it is!!  But a wheelchair???!!!!

And so I did what I always do when faced with difficult circumstances.  I go to God.  And when I sit with Him and listen for His voice, I hear HIS perspective, which believe it or not, does NOT revolve around me!!!  

This trip is not just about me.  I have my husband to think about, and if I end up in worse shape than I'm already in, because I pridefully choose to walk through an airport, I not only wreck my time away, but his also!  This is a mini adventure we have together, why would I choose to jeopardize that?

Yesterday I saw a gentleman in a wheelchair and though I was driving, I had a long enough glance to notice that he had a host of physical disabilities.  Immediately I was stopped short in my thoughts--"Juanita, you've got nothing on this man...suck it up and get in the wheelchair."

Today I spent some time in James 4.  James speaks to the point not just about pride, but our arrogance...our boasting of how WE think we should be able to go about our lives.  

"But He gives a greater grace...God is opposed to the proud

but gives grace to the humble" vs. 6

"Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil

and he will flee from  you."  vs. 7

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands you sinners, and 

purify your hearts you doubleminded..."  vs. 8

"Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord,

and He will exalt you..." vs. 11

"...you are just a vapor..." vs. 14

"...you ought to say, 'If the Lord will,

we shall live and also do this or that..." vs. 15

"....you boast in your arrogance;

all such boasting is evil."  vs. 16

God's Word is so very powerful...so convicting...so transforming.

I'm at peace now.  It's truly a grace from God that I am able to put away my pride and walk, or shall I say, sit in a wheelchair in humility.  

But that's who God is.  He "gives grace to the humble".  The beginning of that verse says, "...He gives a greater grace ."  Isn't that like our God:  so very generous.

Two weeks from tomorrow we fly to Nashville.  I expect there will be moments of awkwardness and probably experiences I can't even "anticipate" as I place myself in a wheelchair.  I'm quite sure God has much He wants to share with me:)  

I pray for a humble heart to hear His words.

A God-Size Adventure

Wednesday September 10, 2014 was a memorable day for me.  

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that took place in that 24 hour period 

and yet I knew it was momentous.  

I had no idea how life was going to unfold 

but I believed that one day God would make it clear to me.  

The time frame for what I was waiting for was completely unknown 

and yet I was convinced that eventually the mystery would be revealed.

It was the day I began to pray these words--

"What adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

It has been over 7 months since my heart and lips first spoke these life-changing words. 

Such a prayer had come after a realization that I had been missing out on adventure because of fear.  

My Spiritual Director had challenged me to pray this specific prayer for adventure.  

And she "warned" me--
 God would answer!

Over the past months circumstances have arisen in which I at times wondered, 

"Could this be the adventure God has for me?"
And just as quickly, it was gone.

Not long after I began this prayer, God seemed to nudge me into adding one more request--

"Give me the courage to say 'yes' to Your adventure"

God knows me so well!!!

It's one thing to ask God for adventure,

but quite another to hold out open hands

for 

whatever

He 

gives

me.

And then a little over a month ago the phone call came--
"Mom...I don't know what I'm doing in my program...
it's not what I'm looking for..
I'm thinking of transferring to Simon Fraser in BC"

Two thoughts hit me almost simultaneously --

"My girl's adventure is going to become my adventure"
and
"She'll never move back home"

It's been a whirlwind of activity since then with applications being filled out and sent
and acceptances received and celebrated.

"God...what adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

NEVER
would I have considered sending my Ashley to the West Coast!
NEVER
would I have planned for an adventure of such magnitude!

But God
in His perfect wisdom
and perfect guidance,
 perfect love
and perfect goodness
has planned it all.

Looking back over the months
I see
the countless ways He has so carefully prepared my heart
to say "yes" to such an adventure
The overriding sense of peace I have amidst something so life altering
can only be because of Him.

I know I haven't grasped the enormity of all of this--
but the present moment is enough
God is here with me in the present
And He's also ahead of me
preparing the future
I'll join Him when I arrive

Choosing Contentment

Choosing contentment seems to be one of those reoccurring themes in life.  At least for me anyway.  Yesterday I transplanted a too-small-for-the pot-plant and it just seemed to give me and my living room a boost  Today I pasted my blog design with hues of green.  They speak of fresh and newness and the creeping arrival of spring.  These simple tweaks don't change the landscape of daily life but they do make my spirit smile a little. 

An air of discontent began its slow decent several days ago.  The realization that the snail's pace of recovery I am experiencing is not going to allow for gardening this spring is sinking in.  Thankfully, I decided months ago to downsize my planting of flowers.  I expect I will be able to sit on my porch and fill a few containers with soil and and blooms, but anything beyond that is out of the question.  And so before I get too far down this road of discontent, I'm stopping myself, or rather the Spirit is stopping me and pointing me back towards a restful acceptance of life as it has come to me.

Tonight I will spend a good portion of the evening reading and praying and hearing God remind me that He is trustworthy and kind and that all that He has brought into my life-- or allowed in my life, is in His safekeeping.  I will place open hands and heart before Him, giving Him my desires and frustrations and disappointment, knowing that He is good.

And I will rest in His Presence and enjoy the comfort and care He provides for each season of life.

Oh the Blood

Right here...right now

 "Imagine Jesus has said he would join you for an hour this day.

Where would you most like Christ to be with you?

What would you like to be able to do?

How might Christ's presence change something you do today?

Go ahead and make that change.

Christ is with you."

--John Indermark

"Gospeled Lives:  Encounters with Jesus

Christ be with me

  right here...right now...

with me 

in my disappointment, my loneliness, my confusion, my longing...

To sit with me in my livingroom

and be the Presence

that covers all of the emotions of this moment...

To hold me and comfort me...

To be my rest in every way imaginable.