Wheelchairs and Pride

When we first discovered we had the opportunity to fly to Nashville several months ago, I was thrilled with the prospect of some time away together in the land of country music...which I love!  Because this was half business for Brian, I would have some time to be part of a 5 hour tour of some of the highlights of this city of country.  As time moved on, the reality of how much I would be able to do, began stirring in the background of my mind.  My back pain and sciatica, of which I am understanding more of, is "complex" according to my physiotherapist.  The first time I saw my osteopath she said I should book an appt. each week for 3 weeks and then I could move to every other week, and farther and farther apart.  That was the end of January and I am still going weekly.  

I am not going to be able to do all that I had thought I could a few months ago.

Last week my hubby had one of his staff finalize our travel arrangements, which included booking a porter and wheelchair at both airports.  

And everything within me fought this feeling of dependency and embarrassment and onslaught on my pride.

A wheelchair???!!!  Really???!!!  

After all, I CAN walk.  I can walk around my home and go out and "run" errands and even do light housework now.  But the reality is, whether I'm standing or walking, I'm in pain and the longer I do either, the more intense it gets.  So to think that I can actually stand in a long line, or walk through an airport is out of the question.  I know it is!!  But a wheelchair???!!!!

And so I did what I always do when faced with difficult circumstances.  I go to God.  And when I sit with Him and listen for His voice, I hear HIS perspective, which believe it or not, does NOT revolve around me!!!  

This trip is not just about me.  I have my husband to think about, and if I end up in worse shape than I'm already in, because I pridefully choose to walk through an airport, I not only wreck my time away, but his also!  This is a mini adventure we have together, why would I choose to jeopardize that?

Yesterday I saw a gentleman in a wheelchair and though I was driving, I had a long enough glance to notice that he had a host of physical disabilities.  Immediately I was stopped short in my thoughts--"Juanita, you've got nothing on this man...suck it up and get in the wheelchair."

Today I spent some time in James 4.  James speaks to the point not just about pride, but our arrogance...our boasting of how WE think we should be able to go about our lives.  

"But He gives a greater grace...God is opposed to the proud

but gives grace to the humble" vs. 6

"Submit therefore to God.  Resist the devil

and he will flee from  you."  vs. 7

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands you sinners, and 

purify your hearts you doubleminded..."  vs. 8

"Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord,

and He will exalt you..." vs. 11

"...you are just a vapor..." vs. 14

"...you ought to say, 'If the Lord will,

we shall live and also do this or that..." vs. 15

"....you boast in your arrogance;

all such boasting is evil."  vs. 16

God's Word is so very powerful...so convicting...so transforming.

I'm at peace now.  It's truly a grace from God that I am able to put away my pride and walk, or shall I say, sit in a wheelchair in humility.  

But that's who God is.  He "gives grace to the humble".  The beginning of that verse says, "...He gives a greater grace ."  Isn't that like our God:  so very generous.

Two weeks from tomorrow we fly to Nashville.  I expect there will be moments of awkwardness and probably experiences I can't even "anticipate" as I place myself in a wheelchair.  I'm quite sure God has much He wants to share with me:)  

I pray for a humble heart to hear His words.

A God-Size Adventure

Wednesday September 10, 2014 was a memorable day for me.  

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that took place in that 24 hour period 

and yet I knew it was momentous.  

I had no idea how life was going to unfold 

but I believed that one day God would make it clear to me.  

The time frame for what I was waiting for was completely unknown 

and yet I was convinced that eventually the mystery would be revealed.

It was the day I began to pray these words--

"What adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

It has been over 7 months since my heart and lips first spoke these life-changing words. 

Such a prayer had come after a realization that I had been missing out on adventure because of fear.  

My Spiritual Director had challenged me to pray this specific prayer for adventure.  

And she "warned" me--
 God would answer!

Over the past months circumstances have arisen in which I at times wondered, 

"Could this be the adventure God has for me?"
And just as quickly, it was gone.

Not long after I began this prayer, God seemed to nudge me into adding one more request--

"Give me the courage to say 'yes' to Your adventure"

God knows me so well!!!

It's one thing to ask God for adventure,

but quite another to hold out open hands

for 

whatever

He 

gives

me.

And then a little over a month ago the phone call came--
"Mom...I don't know what I'm doing in my program...
it's not what I'm looking for..
I'm thinking of transferring to Simon Fraser in BC"

Two thoughts hit me almost simultaneously --

"My girl's adventure is going to become my adventure"
and
"She'll never move back home"

It's been a whirlwind of activity since then with applications being filled out and sent
and acceptances received and celebrated.

"God...what adventure would You have for me that I would never consider?"

NEVER
would I have considered sending my Ashley to the West Coast!
NEVER
would I have planned for an adventure of such magnitude!

But God
in His perfect wisdom
and perfect guidance,
 perfect love
and perfect goodness
has planned it all.

Looking back over the months
I see
the countless ways He has so carefully prepared my heart
to say "yes" to such an adventure
The overriding sense of peace I have amidst something so life altering
can only be because of Him.

I know I haven't grasped the enormity of all of this--
but the present moment is enough
God is here with me in the present
And He's also ahead of me
preparing the future
I'll join Him when I arrive

Choosing Contentment

Choosing contentment seems to be one of those reoccurring themes in life.  At least for me anyway.  Yesterday I transplanted a too-small-for-the pot-plant and it just seemed to give me and my living room a boost  Today I pasted my blog design with hues of green.  They speak of fresh and newness and the creeping arrival of spring.  These simple tweaks don't change the landscape of daily life but they do make my spirit smile a little. 

An air of discontent began its slow decent several days ago.  The realization that the snail's pace of recovery I am experiencing is not going to allow for gardening this spring is sinking in.  Thankfully, I decided months ago to downsize my planting of flowers.  I expect I will be able to sit on my porch and fill a few containers with soil and and blooms, but anything beyond that is out of the question.  And so before I get too far down this road of discontent, I'm stopping myself, or rather the Spirit is stopping me and pointing me back towards a restful acceptance of life as it has come to me.

Tonight I will spend a good portion of the evening reading and praying and hearing God remind me that He is trustworthy and kind and that all that He has brought into my life-- or allowed in my life, is in His safekeeping.  I will place open hands and heart before Him, giving Him my desires and frustrations and disappointment, knowing that He is good.

And I will rest in His Presence and enjoy the comfort and care He provides for each season of life.

Oh the Blood

Right here...right now

 "Imagine Jesus has said he would join you for an hour this day.

Where would you most like Christ to be with you?

What would you like to be able to do?

How might Christ's presence change something you do today?

Go ahead and make that change.

Christ is with you."

--John Indermark

"Gospeled Lives:  Encounters with Jesus

Christ be with me

  right here...right now...

with me 

in my disappointment, my loneliness, my confusion, my longing...

To sit with me in my livingroom

and be the Presence

that covers all of the emotions of this moment...

To hold me and comfort me...

To be my rest in every way imaginable.

 

Lent

"Lent is a time of returning to God.

It is a time to confess how we keep looking for

joy,

peace, and

satisfaction

in many people and things surrounding us,

without really finding what we desire.

Only God can give us what we want...

Lent is a time of refocusing,

of reentering the place of truth,

of reclaiming our true identity."

--Henri J. M. Nouwen

"Sabbatical Journey:  The Diary of His Final Year"

Lent this year is like none other

Beautiful, intimate, purposeful,

painful, lonely, shameful

It's as though I am laid bare,

my inner being lies

naked

before the eyes of God.

He has exposed so much

yet I feel safe with Him.

Everyone

and

everything else

leaves me empty

of what I truly need

He alone meets my need

I know this

God help me live it!

 

Asking The Right Questions

I've been revisiting a rich book--

mining it's pages reveals 

new nuggets of

truth

hope

encouragement

challenge

"Being Well When We're Ill"

(Wholeness and Hope In Spite of Infirmity)

by Marva J. Dawn

was a book I read as I was 

recovering from the years of depression's darkness

Gratefully I'm not in that place again,

but life is full of so many pathways of pain

and in each one there is the often- asked -question

Why?

I'm in my fifth week now of fairly significant sciatica

Recovery feels so slow...

doesn't it always???

I could rant a list of how this has affected me--

my routine

sleep

abilities, etc.
and just coping with the pain in general

And I could ask that very simple, but nagging question, 

why?

But I haven't.

Not because I'm super spiritual

or strong...

Truly I am very much aware of my brokenness,

how  weak I am

The reason I haven't asked the question

is solely God's grace in my life

He has brought me to a place where I am 

finally

beginning to trust Him...

to believe that the gift of life I receive 

every 

day

is from Him

regardless of how that may look

This is where Marva's words of faith and trust come in.

"A first step toward finding

intellectual, emotional and spiritual well-being

in spite of the absurdity of our...circumstances

is to change the questions from 

'Why?' to

'What?' and 'Where?',

and to ask these with an

open-minded commitment to look for answers.

More completely, the new questions are,

'What is God doing in the midst of this?'

and

'Where do I catch glimpses of the Trinity's grace?'"

Both of these questions move the focus from

me

to

Him

The beauty of theses questions

is that they can be answered!!!

I'm not suspended in time

holding out for some nebulous answer to "why"

which will never come

Instead,

I am living out the answers to these other questions

in the strength and grace and provision

of God

 I can see sooooo much of what God is doing

and catching glimpses of the Trinity's grace

requires little effort

Asking the right questions

changes everything

My prayer--
for strength and grace
to continue living out the answers

Receiving Life

Many of you know that I am an

ultra organizer and planner.

I'm also not the most flexible person

although I have grown in this area  over the years--

out of necessity.

My time with Ingrid, my Spiritual Director last week

was wonderfully enlightening--

freeing actually.

Truthfully, I'm embarrassed to express

the fullness of what I have learned

as it reveals 

the deception within my own soul

But I will turn my back on pride and divulge anyway--

another area I'm growing in (denouncing pride that is)

I was sharing with Ingrid my word for 2015--

Courage,

and how the blank pages of the coming year

unnerve me and I need the courage

to trust God's ways.

She responded with simplicity but it so moved me!

Life, she said, can be looked at in one of two ways--

1.  I'm moving through time

2.  I'm just here and life comes to me--I in turn receive it and respond to it.

Trust God to bring life!

She went on to remind me that "making life" is an illusion.

Very little of it unfolds as I have planned.

For sure I need to prepare and plan my days, but just as much,

I must hold all things loosely.

All is tentative. 

If my plans are changed,  this then

is the life God is giving me.

I suppose on the surface I am aware that my plans are often 

interrupted,

detoured,

or quashed,

but I don't receive and respond with grace--

at least not as often I should.

At times I am 

frustrated

annoyed

angry

disillusioned

James would say I am arrogant--

"Come now, you who say,

'Today or tomorrow, we shall go to such and such a city,

and spend a year there

and engage in business

and make a profit.

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.

You are JUST a vapor

that appears for a little while

and then vanishes away.

Instead, you ought to say,

'If the LORD WILLS,

we shall live and also do this or that.'

But as it is,

YOU BOAST IN YOUR ARROGANCE,

ALL SUCH BOASTING IS EVIL.'"

--James 4:14-16

Ouch.

As much as such a rebuke "smarts",

I welcome it as 

a grace from God.

Because it's "freeing" me.

It's also timely.

The "life" that has come to me in the past week

has completely disrupted my days.

Much on "my agenda" has either been

scaled way back,

wholly disrupted,

or been stroked off my list.

I have no idea how long this "life"

will stay with me.

And yet surprisingly,

I'm receiving it

and responding to it

as God's gift to me.

Yes...a gift.

It doesn't mean I understand the "why" 

or that I'm enjoying it,

but I am trusting 

that He is wise and good

 and yes,

trustworthy.
And I am looking for Him
in the midst of my
"now"
for whatever He is purposing to reveal.
 

I only ask for grace

to glorify Him

through this "life"

that I'm receiving.

A New Year...

Word for 2015

Courage

Verse for 2015

"...I am not alone, 

because the Father is with Me.

These things I have spoken to you,

that in Me

you may have peace.

In the world you have tribulation,

but take courage;

I have overcome the world."

--John 16:32b,33  

Unprepared

"...we are most prepared for Christ,

for Christmas, when we confess 

we are mostly not prepared.

Rest here.

There is only room in us

when we are done with us."

--Ann Voskamp

"The Greatest Gift"

I started early

planned wisely

so sure that this year I would arrive at today

and have my soul

prepared

I see now the arrogance

that somehow 

this is all dependent on my doing

that with time set aside

and a heart desiring to be awakened

somehow

I would be ready for my Lord

But now

with clearer vision

I 

see

Him

This holy God

emptying His glory

for my vain attempts

at 

holding on to "my glory"

My efforts are as filthy rags

my preparations so lacking

I come to the manger

aware of my emptiness

longing for Him

to fill my own womb-space

with

Himself

El Shaddai

I rest in You

I worship You

 

Glory

"And the Word became flesh

and dwelt among us

and we beheld His glory,

glory as of the only begotten

from the Father

full of grace and truth."

--John 1:14

Not distant and unapproachable

but tiny fingers... toes

and that baby-fresh scent

No longer housed in a tabernacle

out of reach

but indwelling the babe

the God-man

and 

yes,

now indwelling me!

You bid me shed and surrender

the glory I horde for myself

that I may 

be blinded

by Yours

Continue Your emptying of me

that there might be a filling

to overflowing

 of Your grace and truth